Alien Chronicles: Expendable Ensign

Another episode from my unpublished book/TV series Alien Chronicles

FSC Leif Ericson
42 officers, 450 crewmen, 150 scientists

Dramatis Personae

Captain Horton - Commanding officer. Although he graduated 186th in his class at the Academy (out of 282), he is smart enough not to beam down to unknown and/or hostile planets. Species: Human.

Lt (SG) Kermad d'Frok - Logistics Officer. Kermad is an Anurian, an amphibious race of creatures from the 3rd planet (Anura) of the Rana system, which is located in the Henson star cluster. Three and a half feet tall and frog-like in appearance, the best way to briefly describe Kermad's (or other Anurians') appearance is to imagine what Kermit the frog would look like if he used anabolic steroids.

Lt (SG) Mackarae - Chief of Computer Operations. Known as "Mack" to his fellow officers, he is a Madran, a dog-like race from a planet in the Txakurra system. He stands about 4 3/4 feet tall, making him the second shortest being on the ship - the shortest being d'Frok.

Lt (JG) Kainen Keijo - Head of the Science Department. From Aldeberan, resembling a tolkienesque elf, except with blueish-grey skin. Androgynous in appearance, Keijo may be either male, female, both, or neither. Due to Captain Horton's policy regarding transgendered crewman, Keijo has been seen using both men's and ladies' bathrooms (so that cannot be used to ascertain Keijo's gender).

Robert "Bob" Rosenkrantz and Raymond "Ray" Guildenstern - two of the ship's security personel.

Ensign Dukane - appliance repairman and expendable crewman



Captains Log: We are in orbit around Montego VI. The Federation has sent us to investigate the lose of communications from a research station on the planet.

CAPTAIN: Any response from the planet?

COMMUNICATIONS: No sir.

CAPTAIN: Hmmm. Mr. D'Frok.

D'FROK: Yes sir?

CAPTAIN: I want you to lead an away team down to the Montego station to investigate. Take Lt. Mackarae, Lt Keijo, and... Yeoman, who is next on the expendable Ensign list?

YEOMAN: [looking at her computer tablet] Next up is Ensign Dukane.

CAPTAIN: What's his specialty?

YEOMAN: Appliance repair.

CAPTAIN: Seriously?

D'FROK: I'll need a couple of security officers.

YEOMAN: Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern are available

D'FROK: They'll do

CAPTAIN: Just remember to keep them safe. We need to avoid issues with the Security Force Union - they are worse than the teamsters.

D'FROK: Aye, sir

d'Frok turns and exits the bridge.

Scene: Hallway

Ships personnel are moving purposefully in the corridors.

VOICE: May I have your attention please, this is the Captain. The following people report to transporter room 4: Mackarae, Keijo, Guildenstern, Rosenkrantz, and Dukane.

Scene: Transporter Room 4

d'Frok enters and looks around

D'FROK: Is everyone here?

MACKARAE: Dukane is missing.

d'Frok walks over to the side and pushes the button next to the intercom speaker.

DFROK: Ensign Dukane, report.

d'Frok waits a few moments, and gets no reply. He pushes another button.

D'FROK: Computer, locate Ensign Dukane.

VOICE: Ensign Dukane is in his quarters, hiding under his bed.

d'Frok turns, shaking his head.

D'FROK: [To the security officers] You two go get him.

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz exit the room.

D'FROK: Great Bird of the Galaxy, we don't have time for this. We only have an hour each episode.

MACKARAE: That only gives us 43 minutes after you factor in commercials, and opening and closing credits

KEIJO: 42 point 857 minutes

d'Frok and Mackarae give him (or her, or it) a questioning look.

KEIJO: Approximately.

D'FROK: The point is, we don't have time for this.

Scene: Hallway

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz walk up to a door, open it, and step inside. Moments later they re-emerge, dragging Dukane between them by the arms.

Scene: Transporter Room 4

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz enter, still dragging Dukane.

DUKANE: No, no. I don't want to die.

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz step onto the transporter and drop Dukane unto the floor. d'Frok, Mackarae, and Keijo then also step onto the transporter.

D'FROK: Mr. O'Reilly, beam us down.

The transporter begins humming.

Lt Mackarae looks down at Dukane, who is still laying on the floor, crying.

MACKARAE: You are such a wuss.

A bright light, and the crew fades away

Scene: On the planet, the main control room of the research station

Humming, then the crew materializes in the middle of the room.

The team begins to look around, except for Dukane who remains laying on the floor. d'Frok stand over him and scowls.

D'FROK: Stand up you wuss.

 Dukane stands up, slowly

D'FROK: What is wrong with you?

DUKANE: [Sobbing] I don't want to die.

D'FROK: Your not going to die

DUKANE: The Expendable Ensign always dies.

MACKARAE: Not always. According to the Alien Chronicles fan page, there have been 64 expendable ensigns since the first episode, but only 37 have died. So your odds of living are better than 50/50

KEIJO: 57 point 8125 percent

Mackarae turns towards Keijo

MACKARAE: Approximately?

KEIJO: Exactly

D'FROK: The point is, Dukane, is you might live.

MACKARAE: And you might become a re-occuring character.

DUKANE: Really?

MACKARAE: Sure! That's what happened to O'Reilly. He even got promoted to Lieutenant.

DUKANE: That would be awesome.

D'FROK: Now, be awesome and go check out that dark, unlit hallway.

Dukane walks over to the hallway, then stops suddenly at the doorway and falls to the floor. There is what appears to be a harpoon in his chest.

D'FROK: What the @#$%?

MACKARAE: Holy %$#@!!

Laser fire comes from the hallway. The surviving crewmen hide behind furniture. The security officers begin firing laser into the hallway. Return fire comes back from the hallway.

D'FROK: We haven't been down here for two minutes, and he's already dead?

MACKARAE: That must be a new record.

D'FROK: So much for becoming a re-occurring character

KEIJO: What was that in his chest?

MACKARAE: It looked like a harpoon.

D'FROK: A Harpoon?

MACKARAE: Yeah.

d'Frok cautiously peeks over the counter

D'FROK: Wait a minute. That's not right.

d'Frok stands up amidst the laser blasts, making the T gesture with his hands.

D'FROK: Time out! Every one, time out!

The laser blasts abruptly stop.

D'FROK: You in the hallway, come in here for a moment.

Shadows move in the hallway, emerging into the room as two Predators.

KEIJO: They're Predators!

D'FROK: I thought so. I think you guys are lost. This is Alien Chronicles, you guys are on the wrong set.

The predators turn and look at each other, then back towards d'Frok.

MACKARAE: They're not even in the right Studio. Predator is 20th Century Fox, and that's on the other side of town.

One of the predator makes a gurgling sound.

D'FROK: That's OK, everyone makes mistakes now and then.

More gurgling.

D'FROK: Don't worry, I'll drive you there.

Even more gurgling.

D'FROK: It's no problem, I just need to tell my Captain where I'm going. My car is parked behind the building, its the Blue Honda Accord. I'll met you out there in a few minutes.

Predators exit through the door.

MACKARAE: You drive a Honda?

D'FROK: It gets great mileage.

d'Frok takes communicator from his belt.

D'FROK: d'Frok to Captain Horton.

VOICE: Horton hear.

D'FROK: Captain, I found out what happened to the scientists. There is a pair of Predators down here.

VOICE: Predators??

D'FROK: Yeah. They got the wrong set.

VOICE: They got the wrong studio. Predator is 20th Century Fox.

D'FROK: Yeah, I know. I'm going to drive them over there.

VOICE: Very thoughtful of you. Hey, since your going to be over in that part of town, stop and get tacos, enough for the whole crew.

D'FROK: Will do. Oh, by the way: Dukane died.

VOICE: So quickly?

D'FROK: Yeah, not even two minutes before we beamed down.

VOICE: That might be a new record.

Scene: Hallway

Ships personnel are moving purposefully in the corridors.

VOICE: May I have your attention please, this is the Captain. The official time for Ensign Dukane was 1 minute 51 seconds before being killed. Congratulations Lt. Chandra, winner of this week's expendable ensign pool.