Military Security

When the supervisor arrived on the scene, he found five people (three civilians and two military, one of with was a Brigadier General) laying face down on the ground. Nearby, with an M-16 readied in his hands, was Airman First Class Brumble, standing over the quintet of detainees in a pose that resembled a modern Samurai, If Samurai came from western Montana. Staff Sergeant Ballard knew it was going to be an interesting day.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Sir, may I see your

authority to enter,

access badge, or

military ID card?

Security, as you might have guessed, is taken very seriously in the military. Security training begins on the first day of basic training (and continues until the day you leave the military).

In the Air Force (my Alma Mater), we took turns standing watch as "dorm guards." It was a two hour shift, and what you mostly did was stand by the door, and guarded it. If someone came to the door, the dorm guard had to determine if that person could come in. Other Airmen in your dorm, and your Sergeants, can be allowed in on personal recognition. Others, such as the officers, are on the admittance list, and can be allowed into the dorm (after showing ID). Others must have a pass from the CQ (and ID), otherwise they don't come in.

And you also do "fire watch" every half hour by walking around the dorm and making sure nothing (or nobody) is on fire.

Training continues while you are in technical school, and when you get to your first duty assignment you get trained again.

Repeatedly.

And because of the nature of my equipment (secured and classified communication devices), I along with the other members of my repair shop to which I was assigned were expected to maintain a higher level of security than, say, the chow hall cooks.

The facility in which I worked was, due to the nature of some of the equipment we repaired and maintained, a secured compound. The area was surrounded by a high fence (topped with concertina wire) with a gate secured by a solid combination lock. The building (our shop) was made of cinderblock, windows covered with bars, and a thick wooden door, also secured by a combination lock

We were secure.

And as a secured area, we would periodically and randomly be checked by security people to confirm that we were complying with all security regulations and procedures. A routine procedure, they (security people) would stop by (unannounced) and check on us - sort of like the (Monty Python version of) the Spanish Inquisition.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

(Monty Python fans will know what that means)

So what happened was this:
I was busy with about 4 dozen PRC-68 portable radios, trying to a) do a routine maintenance inspection, b) repair non-functioning PRC-68s, and c) instruct two airmen just out of tech school on the PRC-68s.

And that's when the SP Sergeant arrived for his routine security check.

He check the perimeter, the files, etc. Then decided to go around and ask a few random questions, just to see if we were all up to date on security procedures. And he decided to start with me.

I didn't mind the checks, but could he not see how busy I was?

The SP Sergeant came over, and asked me a few "what if" questions in order to test my knowledge of security procedures.

This (roughly) is the dialog that transpired:

SP: Scenario - You find a hole in the fence. What do you do?

ME: Post a man to guard the hole, then contact the SPs to report a possible intrusion.

SP: And what's number would call?

ME: Nine. One. One.

Duh!

SP: Do you know the actual number for the SP squadron?

No, I don't. That's why we have "nine one one".

ME: No, but we have the number attached to all the phones in this building, plus it is on the list of emergency numbers on the wall.

I notice at this point that the shop chief (MSgt Garrett), has emerged from the office and is listening.

SP: Suppose you look out the window and saw an intruder hacking at the cables on the antennae tower with an ax, what would you do?

The intruder must have come through the hole in the fence.

Remember Primitive Pete

from the safety film that

your shop teacher showed

on the first day of class?

ME: Go get a hacksaw from the tool cabinet.

The look on the SP's face was priceless.

So was MSgt Garrett's

SP: Why a hacksaw?

ME: Because he's using the wrong tool. He'd be all day if he tries to cut through those cables with and ax. And probable ruin the ax in the process.

The Sergeant was stunned into silence.

Behind him, I could see Master Sergeant Garrett showing signs of what might be a stroke.

ME: The proper tool for the proper job.

After a few moments, I gave another answer (the correct one). But for some reason, the security person didn't want to ask me any more questions.

MSgt Garrett did.

GARRETT: Why the hell do you do say @#$% like that?

Because I can?

So I started to tell a story at the start of this blog.

So what happened was this: Three VIPs (two men and a women) from Washington D.C. were visiting our base on official business. While they were there, Brigadier General Hoffman (the Vice Commander of the base) took them on a tour of the base. And they had to have been important VIPs for the General to have conducted the tour himself. No tour of the base would truly be complete without visiting what was referred to as the C-5 area, a collection of facilities and buildings, the centerpiece of which was the ginormous repair hanger. By "ginormous", I mean humongous. You could easily lay out a regulation (NFL) football field inside. And seating for the spectators. The reason for the ginormousness of the hanger is that it was where they maintained and repaired the ginormous C-5 Galaxy transport. The C-5 area was also a secured area, meaning it had its own perimeter fence, detection equipment, and there was always a force of security policeman monitoring security. The reason for this security is that in adition to the C-5 Galaxy, the hanger was also used to maintain and repair the B-52. No not the cocktail. The B-52 Stratofortress. Nuclear Bombers. Needless to say, security was tight. The C-5 area was classified as a yellow zone. General Hoffman, for reasons only know to him, decided to enter the C-5 area (a Yellow Zone) without going through the established entry point. Not good. As the General escorted the VIPs into the C-5 area, they were observed by Airman 1st Class Brumble, a member of the Security Police Squadron and part of the detail assigned to guard the perimeter of the C-5 area at the time Hoffman decided to bypass the entry point. Fresh out of training (more or less), Brumble was on it (like a Rottweiler on a T-bone steak). "Intruders, halt!"

Before I go further , I'll need to explain yellow and red zones.

And while I'm at it, I should explain about SP training.

SPs, or Security Police (now called Air Force Security Forces) are the Air Force equivalent of MPs and were responsible for the security of Air Force bases and equipment. The SP school is on Lackland AFB, which is where SP students learn all about security, law enforcement, weapons, tactics, etc. Part of that training is learning how to guard things, and the SP students learn how to do this by going out and guarding dead planes.

Dead planes?

Yes, Dead Planes.

The SP school has a training area which is a mock-up of a tarmac (more or less), simulating where planes are parked which need to be guarded. The planes, however are not the B-2, F-15, and other current aircraft, but rather an assortment of planes from the 1960s (and older) in which the engines, electronics, and everything else of value has been removed, leaving only the outer shell of an aircraft that makes it's final contribution to the defense of our country by pretending to be a real plane, guarded by a student pretending to be a real SP.

Each plane is "parked" in a separate bay. Around each plane there are two circles: an outer yellow circle and an inner red circle. These represent the "Yellow Zones" and "Red Zones" which indicate the level of security, and the appropriate response by the SP (or, in this case, the student). The appropriate responses are:

Yellow Zone:
Give warning, and order the intruder to the ground.

Red Zone:
Shoot. The intruder will fall to the ground on this own.

And they will shoot. Anyone.

Regardless of the rank or status of the person violating security, if security is violated, the SP will "jack-up" the offender. Properly trained, a SP will order Jesus himself to lay face down on the ground if he appeared out of nowhere, and happened to be standing in a Yellow Zone.

Heaven help us if the Prince of Peace appeared in a Red Zone.

And this was before 9-11. I can just imagine how much more intense SP training has become since.

Famous former Air Force SP:
Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris

So, where was I? Oh, yes. General Hoffman's unauthorized crossing into the C-5 area. "Intruders, halt!" All five members of the touring group turned towards the voice, and found themselves facing the business end of Brumble's M-16. "Lay face down on the ground, now!" The three VIPs (along with the Captain) complied with Brumble's request. The General took a moment longer. "Do you have any idea who I am?" Hoffman growled. "Sir, lay down on the ground!" Hoffman was an idiot, but not an complete idiot. Complete idiots don't become Brigadier Generals. Faced with Brumble's fully loaded assault rifle, the General had no other choice that to acquiescently accede to Brumble's demands. Brumble contacted his supervisor (SSgt Ballard) using his radio (which was a PRC-68!), and appraised him on the situation. Within minutes Ballard arrived on the scene and found five people (three civilians and two military, one of with was a Brigadier General) laying face down on the ground. Nearby, with an M-16 readied in his hands, was Airman First Class Brumble, standing over the quintet of detainees in a pose that resembled a modern Samurai. Staff Sergeant Ballard knew it was going to be an interesting day Ballard ordered Ballard to stand down and return to duty, then informed the former hostages that they may return to an upright position. The General was irate. Ballard diplomatically herded the tourists towards the entry gate, processed them in, issued them visitor badges, and assigned them an escort - which as you probably guessed was not Brumble. It was an interesting day. Shift change came, and Ballard and his crew were relived by the next crew. Ballard had intended to write up a report regarding the incident, but never had the opportunity as he was informed as he returned to the SP building that the Colonel Davenport (the SP commander) wanted to see him immediately. And Ballard knew why. Brigadier General Hoffman had called the Colonel, demanding that disciplinary action be taken against Brumble. The Colonel, however was as of yet unaware of the facts of the incident (or even that there had even been an incident) but assured the General that he would make investigating the situation a top priority. When dealing with Generals, you usually have to make thing "top priority." Ballard reported to the commander's office, and explained the "incident." Brumble was also called in, same reason. Armed with the facts (as opposed to the rantings of an irate Brigadier General), Col. Davenport was able to proceed in an orderly, logical manner. The Colonel called the General back the following morning, and informed him: That he (the General) had violated perimeter security. The SP (A1C Brumble) had done his job correctly, as he had been trained to do. Not only was the Colonel not going to take disciplinary action against Brumble, he was going to personally write up a Letter of Commendation to be placed in his file. And the next time the General decided to breach a secured perimeter, he had best be prepared to lay down in the dirt again. Ballard told me later that Colonel Kellerman showed up for the shift briefing, and personally handed Brumble a copy of his Letter of Commendation.

As a collateral duty, I was a security police augmentee. That's the Air Force's equivalent of the Police Reserves. In the event of an emergency (or, more often, when the base went on alert, or was engaged in an execise) I would often get a call to report to the SP squadron. After checking in, I would report to the armory where I would be issued:

• Helmet
• Flak Jacket
• Web Belt
• M16A1 Assault Rifle
• 80 rounds of 5.56×45mm NATO (4 clips with 20 rounds each)

After being issued the equipment, I would return to the "squad room" and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Sometimes we would actually go out and guard something, or otherwise assist the SPs. Usually though, after we were activated, checked in, and issued gear, whoever activated us would forget that we were activated, and we would sit in the "squad room" until the alert/exercise was terminated, at which time we would return the gear and get dismissed.

During one of the alert exercises in which I was activated as a Security Policeman (and actually posted) I was posted to gate 17B. Like many of the gates, this one was normally unguarded, closed, and secured by a combination lock. Ironically, this was a gate I was more than familiar with as it lead to the base's Air Traffic Control Tower. Being a Radio Repair Technician, I used this gate frequently as there are a plethora of radios and related equipment in the tower.

I even knew the combination to the lock on the gate.

I knew most of the people who would come through the gate. In theory, I was suppose to check their badges as the came in, but as I knew them (and knew they were authorized to be in there) there really wasn't much point to that. I just waved everyone through.

Except TSgt McMinn - my supervisor.

McMinn rode up in the pick-up truck (Ford Ranger), parked, exited the truck and came over to the gate. It wasn't until her had opened the gate and crossed into the secured area that I informed him that he was not wearing his access badge.

And we were technically in a yellow zone

"Mac" where is you access badge?"

He glanced down, and realized it was not pinned to his shirt.

It was (no doubt) in the truck, clipped to the visor.

"Mac" I informed him "you do realize that I am required to jack you up and wait for the sergeant of the guard to come and clear you."

He gave me that you wouldn't dare look.

And yes, I would.

"Doug" he informed me "you do realize this exercise will end, after which you will have to returned to your regular duties."

I hesitated for a moment.

"I have got a lot of extra duties back at the shop that need to be done."

I tried to stand firm, but...

"O.K." I relented "Go get you badge"

"The better part of valor is discretion, in the which better part I have sav'd my life." ~ Henry The Fourth, Part 1, Act 5, scene 4

Family Night: Movies

Coming soon:
ZombieLand™ the Movie
Isn't that awesome?

Early one morning, Macky Rae (my youngest dog) was surfing the web while I was starting to drink a cup of coffee.

"Dad, check this out: They are going to make a ZombieLand™ movie. Isn't that awesome?"

In case you didn't know, ZombieLand™ is Macky Rae's (my youngest dog's) favorite computer game.

"It is going to be called ZombieLand™ the Movie. Isn't that awesome?"

Honestly, until I have had my morning coffee, nothing is awesome.

Movie Night

Me and my dogs enjoy movies. Some we enjoy more than others. Some less than others. And some we do not enjoy.

Periodically, we have what we call "movie night" in which they lay on pillows, eat snacks, watch movies, and have a good time. It's become a familiar ritual that usually begins by on of the dogs saying "I'm bored" and another one saying "Let's go rent some movies."

To prepare for movie night, we must first do an inventory of the kitchen in order to create a "snack list" and then walk down to the Zip-E-Mart to purchases required items that we are out of, or very low on.

Typical "snack list" includes: chip, dip, microwavable popcorn, beef jerky, more jerky, and a 2 liter soda.

Candy (you may note) is not on the list, as candy is something that isn't good for dogs.

Once we have our snack list finalized, we take a short (½ mi) walk down to the Zip-E-Mart, although we rarely make it there without making one stop, as there is no way to go directly to the Zip-E-Mart without passing Papa Lorenzo's Ristorante Italiano. It's also impossible to walk past Papa Lorenzo's Ristorante Italiano without one of the dogs suggesting in some way that we stop in. Typical comments include:

Since we are in the neighborhood, we should at least stop in and say "hi."

I hear Mrs. Lorenzo has not been feeling well. We should be polite and ask how she is doing.

And my personal favorite:

MACKY: We have not had cheezy bread in month.

ME: We had some last week.

MACKY: That is months in dog-years.

After a mid-afternoon lunch at Lorenzo's (pasta and cheezy bread), we walk across the street to the Zip-E-Mart where we purchase the items on our "snack list."

And some of you are asking "Do you really take your dogs into the Zip-E-Mart?"

Yes, I do.

We only had a problem once: Shortly after we moved into the neighborhood (before everyone knew us) the assistant manager told us that "pets are not allowed in the store."

My dogs gave him "the stare," then Freedom (my oldest dog) turned to me and said "Dad, you are going to have to wait outside while we shop."

After purchasing our snacks, we proceed outside to the Redbox® in order to peruse the selections. We open one of the bags of beef jerky and begin snacking as we examine the redbox selections.

Snacking is an important part of movie selection. At least that's what the dogs tell me.

---

It is sometimes difficult to get all three dogs to agree on just one movie, as they have different tastes.

• Freedom likes historically based dramas.

• Sarah prefers "chick flicks," musicals, and Disney animations.

• Macky Rae likes science fiction, (he is a big fan of Star Trek & Star Wars), superheroes, fantasy, monster movies - especially "1950s Era Black and White Giant Insect Films" and (thanks to Aunt Amy) Zombie Flicks.

Usually, I just let each dog selected a movie - and movie night becomes a triple feature.

One movie that all three dogs enjoyed was Braveheart. Freedom enjoyed the historical aspects, Sarah liked the love interest aspect, And Macky Rae liked all the fight scenes. "Scotland" according to Macky Rae "kicks butt!"

One they all agreed to dislike was Shakespeare. As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, I try to expose my dogs to the Humanities, and once I rented Macbeth. Freedom (my oldest dog) fell asleep during act I. Sarah (my female) was appalled by the fashion, and went into the other room during act III. Macky Rae (my youngest) watched the whole thing, and when it was over he asked me "What language were they speaking?" "English" I told him. "That was English?"

Dog Trivia: In The Two Gentlemen of Verona, one of characters is a dog by name of "Crab," the only dog-part in any Shakespearean play.

---

Although we sometimes utilize the redbox, sometimes it is filled with movies that we have already seen (or one we don't want to see).

It is rare that all three dogs find a movie or movies in the Redbox that they like - often the redbox is filled with movies we already have seen, or do not want to see - so movie night usually requires a short trip to the public library. This is where we can check out DVDs from their collection of less-than-current movies.

And some of you are asking "Your dogs are allowed in the library?"

Unlike some peoples two-legged children, my kids do not talk loudly, make sound effects while playing there games on the library computers, or curse while they are in the library.

There was a time when we were expected to behave in the library - I will no doubt cover that subject in a future blog.

Macky Rae was still a puppy the first time we went to the library to select movies. They have a fairly good children's section, and as a pup he enjoyed checking out a variety of cartoons, children's videos, and other juvenile entertainment.



Mrs. McCready

One particular afternoon, they all browsed the DVDs, selecting the movie the wanted to see. Except for Macky, who was having trouble deciding. He pondered a plethora of animated cartoons, children's videos, and juvenile entertainment, but none of them seemed to spark his interest. After several minutes, he stopped and went over to speak with Mrs. McCready, the librarian.

          "Do you have any "dog" movies?"

Mrs. McCready walked over to the children's DVD section with him, and showed him a variety of "dog" movies. He was delighted that there were, indeed, numerous "dog" movies from which to choose. Mrs. McCready pointed out a variety of films, many of them made by Disney. Some of the films she recommended were: Benji, Lady & The Tramp, Old Yeller, The Shaggy Dog, Lassie, Turner & Hooch, Marley & Me, and Where the Red Fern Grows.

The movie he selected was Old Yeller.

For those who have never seen this film, it is about a boy (Travis Coates) who has been left to take care of his family ranch with his mother and younger brother while his father goes off on a cattle drive in the 1860s in Texas. When a yellow mongrel comes for an uninvited stay with the family, Travis reluctantly takes in the dog.

Warning: Spoiler Alert

Towards the end of the film, the dog is bite by a rabid wolf while defending the family and becomes infected, and young Travis is forced to shoot the dog.

Macky Rae screamed.

For you and me, this is what is commonly referred to as an "unhappy ending," a theatrical concept that dates back 3000 years to the days of Greek dramas. To a small dog not yet one year old, this is like Freddy Krueger suddenly showing up at the end of the film.

Macky Rae screamed.

He also had what we commonly refer to as "an accident" on the carpet.

He began to cry. I picked him up, and held him on my lap as he trembled. He wanted to know why the boy shot the dog. I tried to explain to him that the dog had gotten rabies from the wolf, but he was too agitated to fully comprehend what I was telling him.

MACKY: What rabbits? I did not see any rabbits!

ME: Not rabbits, rabies.

MACKY: And even if he did have a rabbit, that was not a very good reason to shoot him, especially after he saved the family from the bad wolf!

FREEDOM: That was kind of messed up.

MACKY: I thought Disney movies were suppose to be nice.

ME: They are.

SARAH: What about Bambi?

ME: What was wrong with Bambi?

SARAH: Hunters killed Bambi's mother, remember?

MACKY: Was there rabbits in the movie?

SARAH: Hmmm... Now that I think about it, I believe there was a rabbit.

MACKY: I bet they shooted Bambi's mother because she got rabbits.

SARAH: No, they shot Bambi's mother because she was venison. They were going to make stew.

FREEDOM: I like venison. Mister Lorenzo should make a venison pizza.

SARAH: Oh! That would be so awesome!

MACKY: Then why didn't the hunters shot the rabbit too?

SARAH: Because nobody likes hare in their stew.

Macky was somewhat traumatized by the ordeal. He had trouble sleeping, and I was forced to take him to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night in order to purchase a nightlight.

Admittedly, he picked out an awesome nightlight.

Despite the nightlight, he continued to have bad dreams for almost two weeks, and usually wound up sleeping in my bed.

For some time afterwards, I carefully checked his movie selections (especially those "evil" Disney films) to insure that they did not contain anything inappropriate for a young dog.

Shortly after the "Old Yeller incident" I came home one afternoon and noticed someone had been digging in the flowerbed next to the porch. I noticed something sticking out of the ground, something that had no doubt been recently buried. Upon investigation, and a bit of excavation I discovered it was a stuffed bunny, one of Macky Rae's toys.

Naturally, I was curious as to why a stuffed animal had been buried underneath the rosebush. So, after removing the bunny from the ground, and brushing as much of the dirt from the bunny, I went inside.

As I opened the door, I was barraged by a rush of small brown dogs. As usual, they were overjoyed to see me. They usually are after I have been gone, even if it was just to go to the mailbox and I had only been gone for two minutes.

(If I could just find a woman who felt like this.)

"Macky" I started to ask, holding up the bunny. "I found this buried in the flower bed..."

Macky Rae screamed.

"Please, Dad" he pleaded. "I thought it was a bunny. I didn't know I had rabbits. Please don't shoot me!"

Bureau of Holiday Affairs: Halloween

The Bureau of Holiday Affairs consists

of me and my three dogs. If you read my

blog, you already knew this.)

The Bureau of Holiday Affairs was forced to hold an emergency meeting last Friday. The reason for this is while riding the bus through Kennewick, WA we saw a Halloween store opening.

In August!

Poor Macky Rae freaked. Seeing the Halloween store made him thing it was October (instead of August) and he thought he had missed his birthday.


Do we really need to purchase our costumes three month in advance? Seriously??? When we (me and my dogs) formed the Bureau of Holiday Affairs, we thought that Christmas was the only holiday we needed to curtail.

We were wrong.

The Bureau has enacted regulations limiting the Halloween season to the month of October. Until 12:01a.m. of October 1st, all persons and or businesses are prohibited from:

• Selling Halloween costumes and related paraphernalia.
• exception will be allowed for persons purchasing costumes in order to attend a theme-party requiring costumage, as well as costumes purchased for dramatic purposes (such as plays)
• Playing or performing Halloween songs.
• Displaying Halloween decorations.
• Having sales on bulk candy.
• exceptions will be allowed for bulk Reeses to be put on sale. The Director enjoys Reeses.
• Displaying or selling any Halloweenesqe items.

We have drafted a letter to the offending store explaining the new regulations and requiring them to cease operating as a Halloween store until the Halloween season begins (October 1st).

We are also planning to go to the store and bark at them if the don't stop. 

So be advised of this new holiday regulation, and please wait until October before selecting your holiday attire.

Your help appreciated.

If anyone sees other violations of the holiday season limits, please contact the enforcement division (my dogs) either in person, or by email (knockitoff@hohoho.gov)

Remember, the Bureau of Holiday Affairs is on the job!

Previous Bureau of Holiday Affairs blog entries:

Bureau od Holiday Affairs

Bureau of Holiday Affairs (Part 2)