Warning: This blog entry contains material that would be considered offensive to narrow minded Christian fanatics (NMCFs).
If you fall into this category, please do not read any further.
I am an educated person. "Educated" can mean one of two things: having gone to school (and possibly having earned a degree in something) or having read a lot of books. I qualify on either definition.Still here? Good!
I went to Tumbleweed Tech, a two-year community college in southeastern Washington, graduating with a degree in social science. Most colleges (such as my alma mater) offer fairly straight-forward courses, but some (liberal arts colleges usually) offer a variety of unusual courses. These include, but are not limited to:
- Philosophy and Star Trek
- The Joy of Garbage
- Daytime Serials: Family & Social Roles
- Zombies in Popular Media - my friend Amy would like this one.
- Myth & Science Fiction: Star Wars, The Matrix, and Lord of the Rings
- Maple Syrup: The Real Thing
- Underwater Basket Weaving - yes, there really is such a class out there.
There are a variety of Bible-based courses offered by many colleges and universities. In addition to the theological courses (such as The Bible as Religion), there are more secular classes offered such as The Bible as Literature, The Bible as History, The Bible as Geography, The Bible as Social Science, etc.
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| "Adam. Pull my finger." |
Wait, you may be thinking, comedy?
There is no humor in the Bible!
Religion is not funny!
Actually, it is.
And there is humor in the Bible,
if you know where, and how, to look.
Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it. ~ Pope John Paul II |
The fact that the aren't trying to be funny makes them funnier.
A few years ago, I used to listen to the Comedy Channel on the radio while I was walking home from work. Actually, it was the United Christian Radio Telecast Network (or something along those lines), but I referred to it as the "Comedy Channel," due to it's oft comedic presentation. Assorted guest appeared on the assorted shows, and as I said they weren't trying to be funny, which just made it funnier. Various guest on various programs very seriously presented some of the most ridiculous presentations.
It's kind of like what Jeff Foxworthy says about southerners. Not all Christians are funny(dumb), but we can't keep the funny(dumb) ones of the television. Or the radio.Highlight of some of these shows include:
- One gentleman stated that the current theory regarding the formation of the solar system was wrong. His reasoning is that it conflicted with something he learned in his High School science class.
- It's a pity all those scientists who contributed to the theory didn't go to the same High School as he did. It would have saved them all that time they wasted constructing their theory. Not to mention the time wasted at those universities who failed to set them straight on that missing piece of information.
- Another gentleman stated that a piece of petrified wood, (allegedly) found by an archaeological expedition to Mt Ararat (in Turkey, the alleged resting place for Noah's Ark) was carbon dated to the year 2348BC, the year of the flood (according to biblical calculations).
- Why was this funny? Because in a previous appearance, he denounce carbon dating as inaccurate after it was used to carbon date fossils older that 6000 years (the biblically calculated age of the world). Apparently, carbon dating is only accurate when used to support "biblical" fact.
- And another gentleman went on about Satan's elaborate plan to destroy America. By the time he was finished, one could easily believe that the Devil either had a corporate office in New York City, or a command bunker in the Midwest. Or both.
- And yet another gentleman spent an hour explaining how "aliens" (from outer space, not Mexico) were actually "demons", part of a fiendish plot by demons to deceive mankind.
- Sadly, he failed to explain the rational for the anal-probing.
- And my personal favorite: Mr. "God hates Gay Pride Day." This gentleman (with a southern twang so pronounce that you could almost see his all white outfit) explained that God has been expressing his displeasure with the homosexual community by citing various natural disasters (acts of God) that occurred on Gay Pride Day. These included:
- An Earthquake in Guatemala,
- Avalanche in Turkey (took out the entire village),
- Typhoon in Malaysia,
- Volcanic eruption in Polynesia, and
- Flooding in the Midwest.
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| Lucifer CEO of Evil, Inc. |
I listened to these show with amusement, until one evening I realized two things:
2. There were people listening who were believing what they heard.
Suddenly, it was no longer funny. In fact, it was a bit scary.
And they (Christians) don't have to be on the radio to be funny (or stupid). I have meet, face to face, many Christians who have said some of the most funny (and/or stupid) things.
Personal favorite:
The good Christians (there have been several) who have the correct answer involving theological issues, Biblical interpretations, etc. They have no formal religious education (other than Sunday school) but they are certain they (and they alone) have the correct truth. The reason they are absolutely certain that they are 100% right is that they "prayed to the Holy Spirit for guidance" and, thusly, they had the truth revealed to them. The Holy Spirit wouldn't lead them astray.
Holy, moly! It was that simple? Nobody thought of that sooner?? It took 2000 years for someone to figure out "pray to the Holy Spirit for guidance???" Wow! Think of how much suffering, schisms, and holy wars we could have avoided.
So many Christians are funny. And stupid. Sadly, you can't fix stupid - even with duct tape.
But I digress.
Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. ~ Mark Twain |
Wait, you may be thinking, comedy?
There is no humor in the Bible! Religion is not funny!
Actually, it is.
And there is humor in the Bible, if you know where, and how, to look.
Biblical scholars will tell you that there are no jokes in the Bible. But if you read between the lines (or between the verses, if you will) there are a few humorous moments to ponder. For example, consider the comedic value of a young Jewish girl who has to tell her fiance that she is pregnant. Or of his reaction to the explanation.
The Gospel according to St. Matthew says that "...Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily." But I think that St. Matthew may have put a spin on the real story, and this verse (describing his reaction) was the result of some good PR.
Supposing your fiancée came to you and told you she was pregnant. How would you feel? But wait! It can't be yours, because you haven't had sex yet. Now, how would you feel? And it gets better. She tells you it was the Almighty who got her pregnant. You would probably say something like I am sure Joseph said:
Mary, what kind of a fool do you think I am?
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| Joseph Davidson, Carpenter. |
How do I know Joseph used profanity? He was a carpenter. Nazareth local 777. And you know how they cuss. Profanity is required to advance from journeyman to full union member.
Actually, it's not. A friend of mine, a Teamster, told me that there is no profanity requirement, but he could see how one would think that.
Faced with this news, Joseph ended the engagement. And I think he did what most of us might do - he got loaded. He went to Saul's Wine Shop (corner of Main and First, across from Moshe's Kosher Deli) and had a few drinks. Quite a few. Eventually, the owner (Saul Weinberg) told Joseph to "go home and sleep it off". So Joseph left, wandered up Main street, then down Fourth avenue until he reached his apartment, went in, and went to sleep out.
Now God had a plan, and Joseph breaking up with Mary was not part of it. So to get Joseph back on the same page, God sent a messenger - the angel of the Lord!
St. Matthew tells that "while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name Jesus: for he shall save his people from their sins.
Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife."
Joseph got told!
So Joseph has an issue: He has been told (by the angel of the Lord) to take Mary as his wife. But after what he said to Mary, this will not be an easy thing to do. He will have to do some major ass-kissing. If he was smart, he would bring gifts - flowers (at the vary least) and candy. And maybe jewelry.
Mary, by the way, had an easier time telling her parents. Mary was the good child, (unlike her younger sister Anne who, at 15, already had a juvenile record), and they knew she was telling the truth. She never lied (unlike Anne). Mary was their pride and joy. Mary always got straight A's in school, was on the honor roll, was elected prom queen, was the lead in the school play, high SAT scores, etc. - Mary was the perfect child. So when Mary told them the news, it made sense. After all, who else but their Mary would the Lord choose to give birth to the promised Messiah?The scene: The home of Mrs and Mrs Rabinowitz (Mary's parents).
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| Hiram Rabinowitz (Mary's Father) |
Naomi: Good Afternoon, Joseph. What a surprise.
Joseph: Good afternoon, Mrs. Rabinowitz
Naomi: Please, come in.
[Joseph Enters]
Naomi: Look who's here, Hiram. It's Joseph.
Joseph: Good Afternoon, Mr Rabinowitz.
[Hiram's attention is focused on the T.V.]
Hiram: Uh-huh.
Naomi: Joseph, what brings you here?
Joseph: I was wondering if Mary was here.
Naomi: She is, but she is very upset with you...
Joseph: Yes, ma'am.
Naomi: ...but I will see if she... Oh, her she is.
[Enter Mary]
Joseph: Hey, Mary.
[Mary glares at Joseph]
Naomi: We'll just leave and give you two some prvacy. I'm sure you have a lot to talk about. Come along, dear.
Hiram: I'm watching the game.
Naomi: Hiram!
Hiram: All right, all right.
[Naomi and Hiram leave]
Joseph: So, Mary... I brought you some flowers. Roses, your favorite.
[Mary continues to glare at Joseph]
Joseph: So... I was thinking last night, and, well... if you are going to have the Lord's baby, well... It's O.K. with me.
Mary: Really?
Joseph: Yeah.
Mary: You came up with this on your own?
Joseph: Yes... Well, not exactly. You see after I got home last night, I was visit by the angel of the Lord.
Mary: Angel of the Lord?
Joseph: Yeah. He told me to "fear not to take you as my wife, for that which is conceived in you is of the Holy Spirit." So we can go ahead with the wedding.
Mary: Angel... of the Lord.
Joseph: Yeah.
Mary: Joseph, what kind of fool do you think I am?
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| Mary Rabinowitz |
Assumably, Joseph and Mary kiss and make up, and the wedding is back on. However, because of Mary's condition, the wedding date needs to be moved up.
Joseph will now need to inform his family of the changes, and so our last dialog takes place at the home of Jacob and Deborah Davidson:
[Enter: Joseph and Mary]
Joseph: Hello? Anyone home?
[Enter Deborah]
Deborah: Joseph!
Joseph: Hi, mom.
Deborah: What a pleasant surprise. And Mary dear, how good to see you.
[Deborah hugs Mary. Enter: Jacob]
Deborah: Honey, look who it is.
Joseph: Hey Dad.
Jacob: Son. [Turns towards Mary] Mary, you are looking good today.
Mary: Thank-you, Mr Davidson.
Jacob: Oh, none of the Mr Davidson nonsense. Call me "Dad." You two will me married soon enough.
Joseph: Yeah, uh, that's what we needed to talk to you about. We need to move up wedding date.
Jacob: Why's that?
Joseph: Mary's pregnant.
Jacob: Oy vey!
Deborah: Joseph! For shame! We raised you better than that!
Joseph: Huh? Oh, no. It's not like that. It's not my baby...
Jacob: Oy vey!
Joseph:...it's the Lord's
Jacob: Which lord?
Joseph The Lord.
Jacob: You mean God?
Joseph: Yeah
[Jacob and Deborah glance at each other in disbelief.]
Joseph: I know how it sounds. I didn't believe it myself at first. But an angel of the Lord came to me in a vision and set me straight.
Jacob: An angel of the Lord?
Joseph: Right. He told us to name the baby "Jesus" and he would save us from our sins. Can you believe it? The promised Messiah, and I am going to be his stepfather.
Jacob: An angel of the Lord?
Joseph: Yeah.
Jacob: Son, what kind of a fool do you think I am?
Later, after the happy couple left, Deborah and Jacob contemplated the "good" news.
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| Jacob Davidson |
Deborah: Can you believe it? Our Joseph, raising the promised Messiah?
Jacob: Oy, vey! The boy got a goldfish for his bar-mitzvah, and it died the very next day.
Deborah: He was only 13. He's older now, and a bit more responsible.
Jacob: If he is going to raise our Messiah, may heaven help us, Debbie. Heaven help us!
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Much of the clip art used on this
page is courtesy of Phillip Martin.
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