My dogs on Bathing, Eating, and Religion

I hate baths!

My dogs hate baths - positive proof that they are not Labradors.

Freedom, my oldest dog, is stoic when it comes to bath time. He doesn't like it, but he doesn't complain. He accepts being bathed, and then moves on with his life.

Sarah (my female) complains. She has that "I don't like this" expression on her face, and afterwards climbs up on a chair and pouts, staring at me with that "how could you do this to me" look until she is dry, then goes on with her life.

Macky Rae (my youngest) argues. His little dog brain comes up with so many excuses why he doesn't need to take a bath, highlights (and my response) include:

I don't want it in the house,
I don't want it with a mouse,
I do not, do not, want a bath,
I do not want one, Sam I Am.

• I do not need a bath
  (Yes, you do.)
• I had a bath last year
  (He used this the first time when he was three months old)
• Other dogs in the neighborhood do not have to take baths
  (they would if they lived here
  or you are not "other" dogs)
• I  am suppose to smell like a dog
  (not that much like a dog)
• I am not stinky yet
  (Yes, you are)
• Maybe I want to be stinky
  (well, maybe I don't want you to be stinky)

Macky will back into the corner and tremble in fear (or maybe it's just the Chihuahua in him). He begs, he pleads, but eventually he runs out of excuses (or I run out of patience) and into the bath he goes. His little body goes limp, and just as he hits the water I hear him softly say"oh, crap" as he knows, once again, Dad has defeated him.

He is washed, shampooed, rinsed, (repeat), removed from the tub, dried, and combed. After which, he runs around like a crazed dog, rolling around where ever he can to restore some scent, as if to say "ha, ha, Dad, I am going to get stinky again!"

But the reason I tell this story is so I can tell you this one:

The Patron Saint of Dogs

 

St Roche

As a good parent/dog owner, I do my best to see to it that the dogs are well cared for. The are well fed, and clean (see above). They are vaccinated, routinely treated with flea and tick medication (there ain't no bugs on me). Anything to keep my dogs healthy and safe. And this includes their spiritual well being.

A friend of mine, a teamster as well as being Catholic, wears a St Christopher medal. He hasn't been to mass in years, and his so far behind in his confessions that he will require half a day to get caught up (and another half day for the Hail Marys). Despite this (or because of this), he wears a St Christopher medal - just to be safe.

So I got to thinking, maybe I could get something like that for my dogs. 



I began to wonder if there is a Patron Saint of dogs. I ask my friend if he knew if there was a dog-saint. He said he didn't know, but said there probably was, as there was a saint for everything else.

So I did a brief Google search, and found St Roche, Patron Saint of bachelors, diseased cattle, falsely accused people, invalids, cholera, epidemics, knee problems, plague, skin diseases, surgeons, tile-makers, gravediggers, second-hand dealers, pilgrims, apothecaries,

and dogs!

MACKY: I thought St Bernard was the Patron Saint of Dogs. SARAH: You thought wrong. MACKY: Then what is Bernard the patron Saint of? SARAH: Brandy!!! Actually, I thought it was Remy Martin. SARAH: No, Dad. Remy Martin is the Patron Saint of Cognac. I stand corrected. But we digress...

While investigating St. Roche and other saints, I learned that my friend was indeed correct. Nothing against the Catholic Church, but there appears to be a Patron Saint for just about anything, and some of it is a bit bizarre. Here are a few examples:

• St Barbara Patron Saint of Firework
  And the drunk idiots that injure themselves every year?
  St Barbara is also the Patron of bomb disposal. In fact she is the Patron Saint of just about everything that explodes, and those who work in those areas.
• St Basilissa Patron Saint of breast feeding.
  There is also St Giles, but why they would make a man a breast feeding saint is beyond me. But then, two of the three Patron Saints of pregnant women are men, so go figure.

And speaking of pregnancy:
Margret of Antioch is the Patron Saint of women giving birth, but St Anne is the Patron Saint of women in labor. Isn't this the same thing?

• St Bibiana Patron Saint of Hangovers
  Hair of the dog?
• St Brendan the Navigator Patron Saint of Whales
  Catholic Whales. Who knew?
• St Cyril of Alexandria Patron Saint of Bathrooms
  Protection against filthy bathrooms?
• St Dominic Savio Patron Saint of Juvenile Delinquents 
  And which Patron Saint protects you from juvenile delinquents?
• St Drogo Patron Saint of Unattractive People
  I know a few people who might need his patronage. Drogo is also the Patron Saint of coffee shops. And ugly people at coffee shops.
• St Dymphna Patron Saint of Insanity.
  There coming to take me away, ha ha...
• St Edmund of East Anglia Patron Saint of Wolves.
  If wolves can be Catholic, so can my dogs!
• St Fiacre Patron Saint of Sexually Transmitted Disease  
  He is also the Patron Saint of hemorrhoid sufferers. Same general area, I guess.

Temptation.

And speaking of sex:
St Angela of Foligno, St Catherine of Siena, St Margaret of Cortona, St Mary of Edessa, St Mary of Egypt, St Mary Magdalene, St Mary Magdalen of Pazzi, and St Pelagia of Antioch are all Patron Saints of sexual temptation. 

• St Genesius of Rome Patron Saint of Comedians
  No joking!
• St Gertrude of Nivelles Patron Saint of the fear of mice (suriphobia) She is also the Patron Saint of cats, so we are not too fond of her at our house.
• St Hubert of Liege Patron Saint of mad dogs (and dog bites)
  As we are all updated on our shots, we are not to concerned about rabies. Other "dog-bite" saints are Vitus, Walburga, and Ubald. 
• St Isidore of Seville Patron Saint of the Internet, Computer Users, Technicians, and Programmers
  How does a man who died in 636AD get put in charge of computers?
• St John Francis Regis Patron Saint of illegitimate children
  Many of which may also revere St Dominic Savio (above)
• St Monica Patron Saint of Alcoholics
  Reformed alcoholics revere St Martin of Tours


St Vitus	St Hubert

So, confirming that there was, indeed, a Dog Saint (actually, there are a few) the next step would be to find medallions. Not knowing of any stores that sold Catholic medal, I searched online, not sure if I would find it.

I did.

There were numerous vendors of Catholic paraphernalia, and even medals of a lesser known saint such as Roche were readily available. Prices ranged from as little as $3 to as much as $500 for one made of 14K gold. Sterling silver ran around $75. As pretty as they no doubt would look on my dogs. I elected to buy the $3 medals.

I, myself, do not wear (or even own) any gold jewelry. I see no reason that my dogs should wear it. I love my dogs, but seriously.

Besides, my dogs are not slaves of fashion. They would be just as happy with the $3 medals as they would with the $500 gold ones. And I would be less upset should one of them loose the $3 medal as I would if they lost a $500.

And quite frankly, I just don't have $1500 to spend on gold jewelry for dogs.

In fact, I just don't have $1500.

So I asked the dogs what they thought of the idea of getting St Roche medals. Sarah, being female, liked the idea of jewelry, and Freedom and Macky Rae referred to it as "dog-bling." But they were a bit confused as to it's exact purpose. I explained it was for protection.

FREEDOM: So it works like a flea collar?

More of a "spiritual" flea collar. St Roche protects dogs from harm, such as getting hit by cars when crossing the street.

MACKY: I do not want to get ranned over by a car!

So figuring it wouldn't hurt, they agreed.

FREEDOM: Do we have to be Catholic to work?

ME: I don't think so.

SARAH: Maybe we should become Catholic, just to be sure.

MACKY: How do we be Catholic?

I explained what I new about Catholicism, and the dogs listened patiently up until I got to baptism.

MACKY: What's baptism?

ME: It's when they immerse you in water, symbolic of having your sins washed away.

Macky eyed me suspiciously.

MACKY: Dad, is this a trick to get us to take a bath?

Shall we say grace?

As a dog owner, I am careful about what my dogs eat, and don't eat - chocolate, grapes, raisins, (chocolate covered raisins), etc. I try not to feed them too much garbage. I want them to stay as healthy as possible.

Surprisingly, there are some meats
that my dogs will not eat. I got a
package of Buddig™ pressed ham
slices (because it is very cheap).
It got three paws down by the
canine review committee. They
refused to eat it. They were hungry
(they ate my food).

So I wonder about Buddig™ lunch
meat. Seriously, if a dog won't eat
a "meat" product...

They like meat (perhaps their favorite flavor) and hot dogs fall into that category.  I usually get them Oscar Mayer because they have no fillers or by-products (no unneeded crap), but one day I went and the store was out. And I had to bring them some back, because I told them I would. So I looked around and saw Hebrew National - kosher! Kosher hot dogs have to be clean in order to be kosher. So I bought them and take them home to my dogs.

Well, they noticed the switch right away. Macky immediately said "Those are not Mister Oscar hot dogs!" I explained that the store was out of "Mister Oscar" and that these were just as good, explaining to them that they were kosher.

MACKY: What does that mean?

SARAH: It means the answer to a higher power.  

Sarah must have seen the commercial.

ME: That's right. There motto is "no ifs, ands, or buts."

MACKY: That's good because I do not want to eat any butts.

Neither do I

Freedom, my oldest (and wisest) dog asked "Do we need to be Jewish to eat them?"

A good question.

"No" I explained. "Anyone can eat them. Kosher just means they are approved by Jewish rabbis"

Me and my dogs can't become
Jewish. We like bacon!!!

"How do you become Jewish?" Macky asked.

Another good question.

I gave him a brief explanation of Judaism, and we were fine up until I got to the circumcision part. Macky asked what that was (another good question) and I explained it to him. He was horrified (as was Freedom). It was too much like neutering, which is something male dogs do not like to think about.

"Dad" Macky said "I think I would rather be Catholic and take a bath."

I can't blame him.

Mister Francis

So I ordered the St Roche medals (the $3 ones), got a money order for the full amount ($9 plus shipping and handling), and sent it to the seller. It would, according to the seller, arrive in 3-5 working days. This, however, was not soon enough for my dogs, especially Macky Rae who was afraid of being "ranned over" before they arrived.

To alleviate Macky's angst, I went shopping and returned with a statuette of St Francis of Assisi.

SARAH: What is that?

ME: A statue of St Francis of Assisi.

MACKY: Who?

ME: St Francis of Assisi. Its to protect you.

FREEDOM: I thought we were getting St Roche medals?

ME: You are. This is to protest you until they arrive.

SARAH: St Francis will protect us?

ME: Yes. He is the Patron Saint of animals.

MACKY: Does that include us? We are animals!

ME: Yes it does.

MACKY: Cool. So I will not get ranned over crossing the street.

I should have just told them it was a statue of St Roche, as I doubt they would have known the difference. I would have, except it said St Francis on the base. Actually, it said San Francisco, Freedom noticed it immediately.

FREEDOM: Why does it say San Francisco on the bottom?

MACKY: Is that where Mister Francis lives?

ME: No. San Francisco is how you say St Francis in Spanish.

SARAH: St Francis was Spanish?

ME: No, he was Italian.

MACKY: So why does he have a Spanish name?

ME: Because I bought the statue in a Hispanic shop.


St Francis
of Assisi

MACKY: Will it work in English, or do we need to learn Spanish?

FREEDOM: Maybe it will only work for Hispanics.

SARAH: We are Hispanic.

MACKY: We are?

SARAH: Yes. We are part Chihuahua.

I guess that counts

ME: It will work, guys. I promise.

Freedom and Sarah seemed to like it, but Macky was eyeing me suspiciously.

ME: What's wrong?

MACKY: Why is he wearing a bathrobe?

ME: It's called a monk's habit.

MACKY: I guess that means Mister Francis doesn't like stinky dogs either.

Oh, there ain't no bugs on me
Oh, there ain't no bugs on me
There might be bugs on some of you mugs
Oh, there ain't no bugs on me

G.I stories: Home on leave.

Some years ago, while having coffee at one of my favorite coffee shops, I was passed by two Air Force recruiters. Unable to resist, I asked them if they were "Patrolling for victims." The Buck Sergeant seemed ready for trouble, but the older Staff Sergeant gave me a mischievous grin. Turning to the Buck, he said "I think he is one of us."

I stood up, and introduced myself by name and former unit (1923comm group, Kelly AFB), and shook hands. The Buck was less tense, now that he realized my "hostility" was actually humor.

I have actually suggested to many of my younger friends and acquaintances that they should at least talk to recruiters. Summarizing my arguments, if you don't know what you want to do  (yet) as an adult, 4 years in the military wont kill you...

Oh, wait, it might.

But 4 years, you get trained in something you might enjoy doing as a civilian, paid (this is good) and serve your country. And many of them took me up on the advice, and some even joined up. One is in for life!

One such person was John Mallory, a young man who worked with me for a while at the mall food court. When his wife became pregnant, he realized that they (he and the wife) would need MORE money. I suggested the military option, and he not only took me up on it, he joined the Air Force - my alma mater.



This is not John. I don't know
who it is. But he is wearing his
Air Force Dress Blues.

He returned on leave some months after he departed for basic training, and like all good GI home on leave for the first time he went around in his Dress Blues. He came by the mall, and I was informed when I came in for my shift that I had just missed John by 5 minutes.

But, I was told, he was probably still out in the food court, because he and the wife had bought fish and chips at our store, so they were probably still out there eating.

We went to the counter and scanned the dining area. It was unfortunately, the Christmas season and between the crowd of people and the plastic plants, my co-workers were unable to locate John.

After filling my coffee cup, and taking a mouthful, I walked up to the counter and hollered

"Airman Mallory! On your feet!"

 Automatically, Airman Mallory popped up (like a prairie dog), looked around to see who yelled, and spotted me. I motioned for him to come over, and (obediently) he came.

After I took another sip of my coffee, I turned to my co-workers and said "You two were obviously never in the military."

The Family Meeting (Dogs Say the Darnedest Things, Part 3)

At our family meeting, discussing fire safety with my three dogs:

ME: What should you do if you woke up and smelled smoke?

MACKY: Call 911.

ME: Very good.

SARAH: I'd call you on your cell phone first, then call 911.

ME: Why would you call my cell phone?

SARAH: To tell you the house was on fire.

ME: Why not just bark and tell me?

SARAH: You might not hear me from outside.

ME: What are you doing outside?

SARAH: Calling you.

ME: Why aren't you inside?

SARAH: Because the house is on fire!

FREEDOM: How are you going to make a call from outside?

SARAH: I'll take Dad's cell phone with me.

FREEDOM: You are going to use Dad's phone to call Dad's phone?

SARAH: That's right.

FREEDOM: That won't work.

MACKY: Yeah!

SARAH: What do you know? You're stupid. I bet you don't even know the number for 911.

MACKY: I do too!

SARAH: Then what is it?

MACKY: It is... It is... I am not telling you!

SARAH: That's because you don't know.

MACKY: I do too!

SARAH: Do not!

MACKY: Do too!

SARAH: Do not!

MACKY: Do too!

ME: Stop fighting you two. The correct answer is to call 911.

MACKY: Told you.

SARAH: You're still stupid.

ME: So where do we meet up?

MACKY: At the refrigerator.

FREEDOM: No we don't. We meet up outside, by the mailbox.

ME: Why would we meet by the refrigerator?

MACKY: To save our food!

ME: But the house is on fire.

SARAH: Yeah, stupid.

MACKY: But if we do not save our food, it will burn up and we will starve.

FREEDOM: No we wouldn't. The food isn't going to burn up, it will just get cooked.

MACKY: It will?

FREEDOM: Yeah. It will be flame broiled, just like a barbecue.

MACKY: That would be cool! I like barbecue.

SARAH: You guys are stupid.