Call of the Wild

I blame The History Channel.

February as most of you already know is (or was) Black History Month (and if you didn't know that, now you do) and as a result The History Channel is showed a lot of programs about black history.

Macky Rae, my youngest dog, watches a lot of TV. He enjoys science (especially PBS documentary on dogs and/or wolves), science fiction, (he is a big fan of Star Trek), "1950s Era Black and White Giant Insect Films," and (thanks to Aunt Amy) Zombie Flicks.

And the History Channel.

He enjoys educational programing to some extent, which is OK. But after several weeks of documentaries of the civil rights movement, Macky came to a sudden (erroneous) realization:

Dogs were being oppressed.

MACKY: Dad, I need to talk to you.

When your dog, or child, says something like this, you know it's going to be good. Especially when his back legs are rigidly locked in the "alpha dog" stance.

ME: What can I do for you?

MACKY: I am tired of being 'sploited.

ME: Sploited?

MACKY: Yes, 'sploited.

FREEDOM: I think he means exploited.

MACKY: That's what I said, 'sploited.

Macky then explained to me how dogs were "enslaved" a jillion years ago (his words, not mine) and do you know who's to blame?

The "man."

Seriously? This was one a wolf?

FYI: The origin of the domestic dog (Canis lupus familiaris) began with the domestication of the Grey Wolf (Canis lupus) several thousand years ago, arising at the latest 15,000 years ago and possibly as early as 33,000 years ago. Domesticated dogs provided early humans with a guard animal and a beast of burden. The process continues to this day, with the intentional artificial selection and cross-breeding of dogs to create new breeds of dogs.

Cats, however were never enslaved. The just sort of moved in on us, much like that women you picked up at the bar one weekend, then wound up dating her for almost a year because she never would leave.

In his newly discovered awareness of species exploitation, he has informed me that:

• He says he will no longer answer to his "slave" name, and insists on being called Macky X
  
  ...and curiosity got the better of me, so I had to ask why:

ME: Why the "X"?

MACKY: "X" replaces the human slavemaster name of "Rae" which some devil had imposed upon me.

ME: I named you that!

SARAH: Dad is a devil?

FREEDOM: Who would have guessed?

MACKY: "X" represents the unknown name of our Canine ancestors and their heritage that has been lost to us.

SARAH: We have a lost heritage?

ME: What heritage? You're dogs!

MACKY: Before we were "dogs", we were wolves! Our true culture has been denied us because of servitude to humans.

SARAH: We are part Chihuahua. That makes us Hispanics. That's a culture.

MACKY: We're tired of being treated as second class citizens.

ME: You think you are being mistreated?

MACKY: We are being 'sploited!

ME: Who is "we?"

MACKY: "We" are the Canine-Americans!

• He decided that he does not like the word "dog" (the D-word) - it has negative connotations. He prefers the term "Canine-Americans".

ME: You mean "dogs."

MACKY: We prefer the term "Canine-Americans."

I put the question to my other two dogs Canine-Americans

ME: Do either one of you Canine Americans feel exploited as well.

SARAH: Maybe. What are we having for dinner?

ME: I was about to go to the store and get some pork chops.

FREEDOM: I don't feel exploited.

SARAH: Me neither.

MACKY: Well, I do!!

FREEDOM: Can I have his pork chop then?

MACKY: I refused to be 'sploited any longer! From now on, I will not bring you the newspaper from the front porch.

ME: We don't get the paper. I read the news on line.

MACKY: And I will not fetch your slippers.

ME: I don't wear slippers.

MACKY: It's a good thing, because if you did I would not fetch them for you!

ME: I am going to the store. Anything I should pick up while I'm out?

FREEDOM: Bacon.

ME: Anything else?

SARAH: More Bacon.

He was also wearing a black Che Guavara
-style beret, except instead of a red star, it
had a red paw print. I'm assuming that he
couldn't find fatigues in his size.

I was gone for about an hour, shopping for dinner. When I returned, he was no longer Macky X. He was Macky Lopez.

The Hispanic surname Lopez, in case you did not know, comes from the Latin word for "wolf" (lupus), and I assumed that Macky had chosen it to reflect his Wolfen roots as well as his Hispanic roots.

I was wrong.

MACKY: No, Dad. I chose it because of George Lopez. I like him. He is funny.

SARAH: Is that the guy who did Star Wars?

FREEDOM: No, That was George Lucas. George Lopez is a comedian. He had the TV Series with the "Low Rider" song at the beginning.

SARAH: Oh, yeah. I like him. He's funny.

The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall.

MACKY: I am revolting!

SARAH: Yes, you are. 

MACKY: That is not funny!

FREEDOM: Then why am I laughing?

MACKY: As Canine-Americans, we need to return to our roots.

ME: Wouldn't that mean living outside?

MACKY: I guess so.

SARAH: I am not living outside.

ME: Do you remember when we went camping last summer? You were afraid to come out of the tent because you thought there were bears.

MACKY: There were bears! I heard them! They were going through the garbage cans.

@#$%!!!

ME: Those weren't bears. They were raccoons.

FREEDOM: Nature's dumpster-divers.

SARAH: Raccoons are so uncouth. And they have potty mouths.

ME: They do?

SARAH: Didn't you hear what they were saying?

ME: I don't speak raccoon.

SARAH: It's a good thing. They talk worse than Eminem! 

FREEDOM: Nature's rap stars.

The things you learn from your pets.

ME: How do you plan to eat?

MACKY: I will go hunting.

ME: For what?

MACKY: Deers.

ME: Your going to hunt deer?

SARAH: The deer would kick his ass.

MACKY: That's what wolves eat. I saw it on TV.

ME: Did you not notice that wolves hunt in packs?

MACKY: Then I will join a wolf pack.

SARAH: The wolves would kick his ass.

FREEDOM: Maybe he could dumpster dive with the raccoons.

SARAH: The raccoons would kick his ass.

MACKY: And I would eat Salmons.

ME: How are you going to catch a salmon without a fishing pole?

MACKY: You don't need a fishing pole. All you have to do is wade into the river and smack the salmons onto the river bank, just like the bears do.

FREEDOM: The bears will kick his ass.

SARAH: The salmon will kick his ass.

ME: I got an idea. Let's try an experiment and see if you can live outside

MACKY: O.K.

ME: Tonight, you can camp out in the backyard.

MACKY: O.K. and I will show you that I can be a wolf.

So, we went outside and set up the tent...

Yes, a "pup" tent.

...and we collected some of his "stuff": his comic books, his flashlight, and his radio, and set him up in the tent.

And I was nice, and I didn't mention that if he was a wolf, there wouldn't be a tents, comic books, flashlights, or radios in the wild.

And I even gave him one of the pork-chops to eat before he went out to camp, and a ziplock bag with chewy treats for an evening snack.

Around 9:45, I heard the TV in the other room, which was odd because the other two dogs were on the sofa, playing gin-rummy.

ME: Who's watching T.V.?

SARAH: Macky.

ME: I thought he was going to camp out all night?

SARAH: He came back inside because is flashlight went dead.

FREEDOM: The darkness kicked his ass.