Warning: This blog entry contains a light hearted discussion of nudity, a subject that many people find offensive. If you are offended by nudity, discussions of nudity, guns, or free speech, you may not want to continue reading.
However, if you like nudity, or at least discussions of nudity, or just want to find out what bizarre and off the wall things I have to say, then by all means continue reading.
The other day, there was a knock at my door. It was around 8:45am. It was early (for me anyhow), but I was up...
Of course I was up. I get up between 6 and 6:30 every morning. When you have three small dogs with tiny bladders, you don't get to sleep in.... and I had drank a cup of coffee so I was awake and ready to deal with whoever had decided to pay me a visit. I went to the door, and opened it, and discovered it was my friend it was my friend Ali Bulsara.
Ali and his brother, Farrokh, are the owners of "The House of Kebabs" which is about a half block from the Zip-E-Mart.ALI: Peace upon you, Mr. Doug.
ME: Peace to you too. What do I owe the privilege of your visit?
MACKY: Who's at the door?
SARAH: I smell kebabs.
FREEDOM: Me, too.
MACKY: Is Ali here?ALI: I have come in regards to you Facebook post.
DOUG: Which one
ALI: The Walk Nude for Your Country post.
DOUG: Oh...
The Facebook post to which Ali referred was this:
Walk Nude for Your CountryThe President has asked that we unite for a common cause.
Since the Islamic people cannot stand nudity, they consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife. On the 11th of this month, all women should leave their house naked and walk around in order to help locate hidden terrorists.
Men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you. God bless America.
Underneath the post I added the following:
I will be providing free coffee and other beverages at my place to women participating in this event.
ALI: I have come to help.
ME: Help?
ALI: Yes. Your post said that Muslims would be offended. I am Muslim so I have come her to join you and to be offended.
ME: Wait a minute. You are not a Muslim. You and your brother are Coptic Christians. You invited me to services several times.
ALI: Yes, this is true. But I can pretend. When the women come her for refreshments, I will act as if I am offended. That way, they will believe that what they are doing is helping the country.
ME: Ali, that post was meant to be a joke.
ALI: Doing our patriotic duty is no joking matter. We must hurry and set up. The woman will start walking very soon.
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So we set up a folding table in front of my place, and brought out the coffee pot, coffee, cups, creamers, sugars, spoons, etc.
Ali thought that we did not have enough creamer, so I gave Macky Rae my debit card and sent him (and his little red wagon) to the grocery store to buy more creamer, as well as two dozen assorted donuts.We brewed up some coffee (and some decaf, just in case) then sat down in the lawn chairs and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally, we realized that nobody was coming. It was starting to get dark, Ali and I had drank most of the coffee (and ate half the donuts), and the dogs were finishing off the last of the kebabs. We packed up the lawn chairs, table, coffee, and condiments, after which Ali went home.And waited.
And quite frankly, I was a bit disappointed.Women are not appreciative of what this country has given them, and they have not, as a whole (in my opinion) done there part to uphold the principles for which this country, and our Constitution, stand for. Women only comprise 14.5% of the military force while enjoying 100% of the rights and privileges of living in this country (and I bet you women would scream if you were only given 14.5% of the rights and privileges). All that was asked was to simply take a walk around the block to help identify potential terrorist. Was that so hard?
But I digress.
There was a news article that I read about celebrities getting their Cloud accounts hacked, allowing miscreants access to their private pictures...
What were these people thinking? Miscreants keep hacking major companies and stealing credit cards information! Why would anyone put there private picks online?
People never cease to amaze me.
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 Oops... I did it again.  |
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I am a supporter of the 2nd Amendment,
but anyone who forgets her panties should not be allowed have a gun. |
Forgot to wear underwear?Nobody forgets to wear underwear. You might chose not to wear underwear, but you do not forget.
Even if you did forget your panties, you would not get very far wearing a short short skirt. As soon as you walked outside, the temperature differential would register on your.. well, you know - down there.
And this works with both genders. Once I chose not to wear underwear (because I forgot to do laundry the day before). It was a cold autumnal morning, and as I stepped outside, I realized that I had forgot to re-zip my Levis.And she's not the only celebrity who has been caught au naturel by paparazzi. You know what I think? It done on purpose for publicity.
An inconvenient truth: Sex sells.
STARLET: Hello?
AGENT: Tiffany, Baby. It's you agent.
STARLET: Hey Al.
AGENT: I got some goon news for you: You are being considered for the lead role in The ZombieLand™ movie.
STARLET: Awesome.
AGENT: The bad news is that they are also considering Courtney Cute.
STARLET: Courtney? I hate that bitch!
AGENT: I know you do baby. So if we are going to get you this part, we're going to have to work on getting you some publicity. Are you with me?
STARLET: Sure. What do you want me to do?
AGENT: I want you to show up at The Nightclub.
STARLET: OK.
AGENT: I want you to wear your short, short skirt.
STARLET: The silky black one?
AGENT: That's the one. And I want you to forget to wear your panties.
STARLET: What for?
AGENT: Publicity. I'll alert the paparazzi and they will be waiting with there cameras, so when you get out of the car flash them your hoohoo.
STARLET: No way! They take pictures of it, and publish it online.
AGENT: That's the point. The publicity this will generate will guarantee you the part.
STARLET: I don't know...
AGENT: Tiffany, you want the part, don't you?
STARLET: Yeah
AGENT: Then this is what you got to do
STARLET: OK, if you think it will help.
AGENT: Trust me.
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| The Swedish Bikini Team |
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In spite of what feminist and politically correct say, sexy is an excellent selling tool. And if you don't believe this, let me give you a good example:
I give you The Swedish Bikini Team - A group of scantily-clad gorgeous blonde babes featured in a series of Old Milwaukee beer spots in the early 1990s.According to their TV commercials, when males vacationing in the mountains, on the beach, or in the water became bored and thirsty, the Swedish Bikini Team miraculously arrived to rescue them from their doldrums by providing Old Milwaukee Beer and the companionship of beautiful bikini-clad beer bimbos.
Thanks to this ad, numerous males began to drink this second-rate beer, and much to there surprise, the bikini team did not appear.
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| Optical Illusion |
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| Theodore J. Barnes |
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| Bullet |
Now that I talked about nudity, I need to talk about guns. Since the name of this blog entry is Guns and nudity (part 4), if I don't talk about guns I would only be able to call this blog entry and Nudity (part 4), which wouldn't make as much sense.
I've mentioned my Uncle Theo, a few times.
Uncle Theo lives out in the country on a farm that has been in the family since the 1800s.
Before that, it belonged to Coyotes.
Late one evening awhile back (around 11:30), Uncle Theo heard (or thought he heard) a prowler on the property.
Actually, it was his dog, Bullet, that heard the prowler first.
Since there had been a rash of thefts on farms in the area, so Uncle Theo was naturally concerned.
As was Bullet, who was hiding under the bed.Uncle Theo called the Sheriff's office, and was informed by the dispatcher (Ernestine) that there were no deputies immediately available and so it would be at least an hour before they could respond.
My Uncle was naturally annoyed, and decided to take matters into his own hands.
He called back 5 minutes later to inform the dispatcher (Ernestine) that there was no longer a need to hurry a deputy out to his farm, as he had just shot the prowler and it didn't look like he was going anywhere anytime soon.
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| (Ernestine) |
Naturally, the deputies arrived in a matter of minutes.
All of them.
As did the Sherriff.
And they were puzzled when they did not find a body on Uncle Theo's property.
"Theo" the Sheriff said, "I was told by Ernestine that you said you had just shot someone"
"And I was told by Ernestine that there were no available deputies"
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The former governor of California.
But then, if I looked like that, I'd walk
around naked too.
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Arnold would make a good
NRA president. |
Loyal readers of this blog are aware that Macky Rae (my youngest dog enjoys science fiction (he is a big fan of Star Trek), "1950s Era Black and White Giant Insect Films," and Zombie Flicks. One of his favorite movies is The Terminator (and the sequals) - we've seen them numerous time, almost as often as Star Wars.
In Terminator 2, there is a scene where the T-800 (Arnold) arrives from the future and proudly strolls across the desert, au natural.
The star of The Terminator (and sequels) was Arnold Schwarzenegger, the actor and former Mr. Universe and Mr. Olympia who served as governor of California from November 17, 2003 to January 3, 2011.
Now when I watch this, I think "There goes the governor of California."If this was anyone else, as soon as he (or she) announced that he (or she) was running for office, the pictures would surface, ending a promising political career. For most people, anything incriminating (such as a nude photo) would more or less prohibit any political aspirations.
This is why there are no former playmates in congress.
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Ms. Staller continued to make
hardcore pornographic films
while a member of parliament.
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At least not in this countries.The picture to the right is of a woman by the name Ilona Staller who was during the late 80s/early 90s was a member of the Italian Parliament.
She is also know by her stage name, Cicciolina.In addition to politics, The honorable Ms. Staller does porn.
Speaking of celebrities and guns:The man pictures on the right is Charlton Heston, an actor who appeared in 100 films over the course of 60 years. He is best known for his roles in The Ten Commandments (1956); Ben-Hur, for which he won the Academy Award for Best Actor (1959), El Cid (1961), and Planet of the Apes (1968). He also is well known for his roles in the films The Greatest Show on Earth (1952), Touch of Evil (1958), and The Agony and the Ecstasy (1965). The starring roles gave the actor a grave, authoritative persona and embodied responsibility, individualism and masculinity; he rejected scripts that did not emphasize those virtues. His media image as a spokesman for Judeo-Christian moral values enabled his political voice.
Amongst his political activisms was the NRA. Heston was the president (a largely ceremonial position) and spokesman of the NRA from 1998 until he resigned in 2003. At the 2000 NRA convention, he raised a rifle over his head and declared that a potential Al Gore administration would take away his Second Amendment rights "from my cold, dead hands". In announcing his resignation in 2003, he again raised a rifle over his head, repeating the five famous words of his 2000 speech. He was an honorary life member.
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Sarah, my female dog, was
named after Ms. Palin. |
The fact that Heston was remembered as being Moses no doubt helped with his advocacy of the NRA. One thought of the 2nd Amendment as being from the Ten Commandments instead of the Bill of Rights.
You know who would make a good NRA president? Sarah Palin.
She would have made a great Vice-President in 2008, and I bet she doesn't forget her panties.
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Or Ted Nugent. He'd make a great president,
either of the NRA or the USA.
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| I love coffee, I love tea I love the java jive and it loves me Coffee and tea and the java and me A cup, a cup, a cup, a cup, a cup. |
Those of you who know me are aware that I have suffer from a long term chemical dependency most of my adult life, the result of my time in the Air Force.
I am a coffee junkie.
I spend a bit of time at coffee houses in my area, and it was while visiting that I experience a story that I call:
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| Dirt Devil |
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| Dust Devil |
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| Real Devil |
Dancing with the Devils
Ever heard of a dust devil?
No not a Dirt Devil (that's a vacuum cleaner).
Dust Devils are a fairly common phenomena in the desert and arid regions (such as where I live). It is a strong, well-formed, and relatively long-lived whirlwind, ranging from small (half a meter wide and a few meters tall) to large (more than 10 meters wide and more than 1000 meters tall), they are cause by hot surface air rising in a swirling motion, usually taking a fair amount of dust with it (thus the name Dust Devil). The resemble miniature tornadoes, except they have never been known to wreak havoc in motorhome parks.
And they don't need to be out in a field in order to form. They can easily form in a parking lot, although you might not notice them unless there is enough dust in the parking lot to be swirled about.
Or trash.
If nobody's cleaned up the lot in a while, a devil might form and pick up discarded plastic bags, old receipt, candy wrappers, and other debris as it dances across the pavement.
I call these Trash Devils.
They are comparable to tornadoes in that both are a weather phenomenon of a vertically oriented rotating column of air. Most tornadoes are associated with a larger parent circulation, the mesocyclone on the back of a supercell thunderstorm, while dust devils form as a swirling updraft under sunny conditions during fair weather, rarely coming close to the intensity of a tornado.
They are not actually real devils.
They do have a sense of humor
So it happened one day that I was sitting at my coffee shop, drinking coffee and reading a magazine and watching people as they walk in and out of the coffee shop, or just walked past. One of them was a young woman, mid twenties, wearing a short foofy gossamer pixie-style skirt, who walked in to the coffee shop. She was inside for maybe 5 minutes, just long enough to order two coffees. She emerged with her coffees and headed out into the parking lot towards (one would assume) her car.That's when I heard a voice.
"Hey Doug, look up."
What was weird was that there was nobody else out on the café patio, but the voice seem to be close. I knew it wasn't the "voice in my head," and I knew it wasn't God.The reason I knew it wasn't God is because of what I have read about God. If he ever spoke to you, there would be no doubt in your mind that it was indeed God.
That, and when God speaks, there is usually a bush burning nearby.
So I looked up, but all I saw was the young woman with the foofy skirt walking away between the rows of parked cars (presumably to her own), holding on to two cups of coffee (one in each hand)
"Watch this" the voice said.
At that moment, I heard a slight rustling sound, and out of the corner of my eye I saw the dirt (and a bit of rubbish) beginning to swirl and rise, and form itself into a dust devil. It came across the parking lot, and went down between the rows of cars toward the young woman as she was walking away. The dust devil slipped up behind her, lifted up her skirt, and
the young woman "forgot" to wear panties!
The young woman quickly pushed her skirt back down (which was difficult with both hands holding a cup of coffee) and hurried toward her car.
I heard a laugh (har! har! har!) as the dust devil disappeared across the parking lot.
Apparently, Dust Devils have a sense of humor.
STARLET: Hello?
AGENT: Tiffany, Baby. It's you agent.
STARLET: Hey Al.
AGENT: I got bad news. You didn't get the part in the The ZombieLand™ movie. They gave it to Courtney.
STARLET: I hate that bitch!
AGENT: I know you do.
STARLET: What happened? I did what you suggested. I wore my short short mini skirt, and I didn't wear panties, and I let the paparazzi that pictures of my hoohoo.
AGENT: And you did good.
STARLET: Then why didn't I the part.
AGENT: Courtney "accidentally" leaked a video of her having sex with her boyfriend. It went viral.
STARLET: That bitch! I so hate her!
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