Zen and the Art of BS

Do you remember research papers?

Most of us had to do at least one in high school English. And if you went to college, you had to do several more, usually. Outlines, 3 by 5 cards, notes, several books and/or other sources, headnotes, footnotes, bibliographies. We were told this was something that we needed to know.

They also told us that about algebra, and we know they lied about that.

The best research paper I ever did earned a 94% (which was an A-). 12 1/2 pages, a two page outline, 4 dozen index cards, footnotes, and a bibliography of about 2 dozen books that never existed.

I cheated.

The class was Communication English, a 3 credit class taught by a hippie/biker wannabe. You had to do four research papers to pass the class, and you were limited to a short list of topics, specifically: the subjects mentioned by Billy Joel in his song "We didn't start the fire." If you don't remember the song, or never heard it, here is the youtube video (if you want to hear it)



On one of my papers, I could not find enough info on the topic I had selected - this was before the internet, Google, and Wikipedia - so I expanded by research paper to cover three topics from the list (all three 20th century dictators) and entitled the paper "Totalitarianism in the 20th century." When the papers were returned, Mr Hippy Biker made a comment to the effect that my paper was on a topic /not/ on the list (and I assume down graded it for said reason). I responded that it was, if he had read the paper.

Which he didn't. I realized from his comment that he was one of those teachers who delegated the task of grading papers to his student aide. This is not an uncommon practice in the academical world, especially at the big universities, but it was one that irked me. Considering how much I had to pay per quarter, I would have like it if the teacher bothered to read my work - after all he was being paid to teach me, in theory anyhow.

But I realized at this point that he didn't care enough to read the papers, which gave me an idea.

The last paper was do shortly before the end of the term, when I was busy finishing this and that for my other classes, and preparing for finals. Not wanting to waste valuable time on a research paper that would not be read by Biker Dude, I invented one.

Paraphrasing an Encyclopedia article, I created a twelve and a half page paper, complete with footnotes and a bibliography of about two dozen books that were never published (by publishing houses that never existed).

And this is the funny part: It was the only paper for which I received an A.

It must have impressed the student aide who read and graded it.

And people wonder why I don't have respect for the academians of this world.

Actually I do, provided they are not idiots.

To these teachers, and many more who

did actually teach me something,

Thank you very much.

There were a few instructors I respected:
Mr Ownsby, my advisor/instructor for police science classes. A former Law enforcement turned instructor, his strories were not only entertaining, they usually wound up being the lectures on the subject of the day :-)

Dr Freidrick, A PhD in History that could actually teach in such a way that made history interesting (even to people not interested in history). The most important thing I learned from his classes was that, for the most part, much of what I learned about history in the public schools was either partially true, or completely wrong.

Randy Hubbs, Music instructor. I heard him on the radio recently, he now is a realator. In some ways this saddened me, but I hope he is successful in his new career. Mr Hubbs had such an enthusiasm for Jazz and music that it radiated in his lectures, and if you weren't careful, you got infected. To this day I am still a fan of the many forms of Jazz, RB, and Blues - as is my oldest dog.

My dog, in case you are wondering, did not take Mr Hubbs class.

Some years ago, I was working as a cook at a BBQ restaurant. There was a CD player, and many of us would bring in our own CDs - and the range of music that was played ranged from Butt Rock to Pop to& Country to Mexican, depending on who was playing a CD at the time. One evening, I left my CD case at work, but the next day the kitchen manager told me he had secured it in the office. He went on to tell me that, out of curiousity he went through my collection and noticed that I had a Best of Robert Johnson CD Robert Johnson, for those who didn't take Mr Hubbs class, was a old (old) school blues performer (c 1930s), who according to rumors sold his soul to the devil in order to acquire his superb talent. It turns out that the kitchen manager had also taken Mr Hubbs class as well, and was a Blues fan. He told me that he borrowed the CD and played it during lunch. I would have loved to have been there, just to see the expression on the faces of the Butt Metal fans as they were forced to listen to the twangy voice of an old (old) school blues performer.

I "cheated" a bit in school. I had a short story I wrote in Middle School for an English assignment, It got a B- the first time I turned it in. I re-used it several times in Middle School and High School (and once in college) and it recevied several different grades, although I never changed it from it's original draft.

But the classical cheat was in Consumer Economics class. Actually, there were two:

In previous blog entries, I have mentioned my friend Keith (the Redneck). We knew each other since pre-school, and for 12 years we had numerous classes together.One of the classses we were in together (in High School) was a class called Consumer Economics, which was required for graduation. The aim of the class was to teach us the basics of consumerism: opening a checking and/or savings account, balancing a checkbook, shopping, buying a car (or other vehicle), advertising, consumer fraud, etc, etc.

One of the assignment we had in the class was to go to an auto dealership, and collect some specific information about a car (as if we were actually going to but it) and write a report on it. We were to team up in groups of two, and naturally me and Keith paired up. The teacher, Mrs Hanson, arranged for us to be excused from our next class, so we had two hours (off campus) in which to do the assignment.

Now, maybe we intended to actually go to a dealership, but when the time came, we made it about 7/10th of a mile to the bowling alley/arcade, and played pool the entire time. Which meant, in theory, we were not going to be able to do the report.

In theory. In actuality, I did it

The following day, I had another excused absence from school. At the time, I was also taking a Shakepearean English class (I mentioned this in a previous blog entry). The Seattle repertoire was in town, performing Taming of the Shrew, and those of us in Shakepearean English classes were invited for a free performance at another High School. Those of us in Shakepeare class got tickets, a bus ride across town, and an excused absence from classes. This meant I would miss Consumer Econ that day, but before I boarded the bus for Shakespeare, I went into the classroom and left the completed report on the teacher's desk, along with a note explaining where I was and why I didn't turn it in during class - although she probably already knew where and why.

I had intended to inform Keith what I had done, but I was unable to find him before I had to board the bus and go, and when I got back, I spaced it off and forgot to mention it to Keith, so as far as he knew, we didn't do the assignment.

That Friday, at the start of class, Mrs. Hanson handed back the (graded) reports, which shouldn't have included ours, but did.

"Doug and Keith received an A" she said as she placed the paper on my desk. She always announced A papers when she returned them, in theory to encourage everyone to strive for excellence.

The look on Keith's face was priceless. He reached over and grabbed to paper off the desk and examined it in disbelief. In the hallway after class, he asked me "How the &%$# did we get an A? We didn't go to a car dealership, we skipped and shot pool. How the &%$# did we write a report, let alone get a &%$#ing A?"

"The Sunday paper" I explained.

Every Sunday one of the local auto dealerships ran a full page ad showing some of the cars available on their lot, including a "pick of the week" which gave detailed information on the vehicle - which happen to be most of what I needed for A- grade report. The rest of what I needed I invented.
"You'd have know that" I told him "if you ever read the paper"

"I read the paper" he told me.

"I meant besides the sports section and the comics."



Another assignment we had in that class was an oral report. At the start of the semester, Mrs Hanson had a list of consumer economics related topics, along with when each report was to be given. Keith and I paired up (as usual) and selected "going to a grocery site and reporting on in-store advertising," and the only reason we selected that topic was because it was the last one due, towards the end of the semester, so we would have plenty of time to actually do it.

Like that was going to happen.

We put it off and put it off (and put it off) until the day came when our report (which we didn't do) was due. As the class started, Mrs. Hanson in her Mary Poppins voice announced that "Doug and Keith have a report today" After a few brief announcements, she seated her self in the back of the room to listen to the reports. There were two other students who had a report due that day. They actually did the work, and gave a very interesting presentation. After they finished (and the students stopped applauding) Mrs Hanson announced "And now Doug and Keith"

Keith had that "this is going to be ungood" look on his face...

(he was good at that)

..but the look on his face when I stood up and walked up to the front of the class was priceless. He remained in his seat, and upon noticing that Keith was not going up with me, the teacher asked "Keith, are you not going to join Doug?" which was followed by several of our classmates calling "Yeah, Keith. Get up there"

Keith got up, walked to the front of the class, sat down in Mrs Hansons chair, and stared at me in disbelief.

I proceeded to give a seven and a half minute presentation on advertising techniques used in grocery stores. It was well presented, quite informative, and Keith and I received an A.

Keith facial expression was now a look of "WTF?"

I concluded my presentation with a Q and A session, and then Mrs Hanson praised us for an excellent report

After class, Keith was in awe of what had just happened.

"Doug, I was prepared for the 30 seconds of embarressment when we would have had to admit that we didn't do the work. Then you stood up and walked to the front of the class, I was like WTF is he doing? But when you made me go up there with you, I was planning to beat your @$$ after class. But when you actually gave our report... I was seriously planning to beat your @$$ for this"

" Did you really think I would march all the way to the front of the class, just to admit that we hadn't done or homework?"

"The thought crossed my mind. So when did you do the work?"

"I didn't. I found some of the information in the text book, and some I got from Mrs Hanson's lectures - you should pay attention more often, the are quite educational."

"So why didn't you tell me what you were up to /before/ class?"

" And ruin the surprise?"

Family Game Night

I mentioned once that me and my dogs do family night things. I talked about movie night once, and I mentioned playing Bingo. We have "family night" every so often. No set day, it's just when we decide to do it, we do it.

One of their favorite is Family Game Night where (as you probably already guessed) we play games. Like Family Movie Night, this requires a trip to the local Zip-E-Mart to acquire snacks: chips, sodas, beef jerky, etc.

My dogs got interested in games after seeing the "Dogs Playing Poker" painting, and decided that they wanted to play poker too. After teaching them the basics, we attempted to play a game, but found that lacking opposable thumbs it was difficult to hold the cards. We were forced to abandon poker (and any other card) game as a form of recreation, but did find a few games that they could play and enjoy, which led to our having Family Game Nights.

My dogs like to play games. Regular readers of this blog are fully aware of Macky Rae's obsession with Zombies and an online game called ZombieLand™. And Sarah and Freedom regularly play gin rummy, although they use Rummikub tiles instead of playing cards.

One of the games they all three enjoy is dominos, although we play a simpler version because the dogs do not have the best math skills, and are a bit confused on the concept of "multiples of five."

Macky Rae especially likes the game, and has learned to SLAP dominos on the table - much like you do when playing in the county jail. I suspect he learned this from one of our neighbors, who I suspect has spent a bit of time in the county jail on several occasions.

I taught the dogs how to play called Chinese Pig. Lacking hands, dice throwing was a bit problematic. Initially, they would throw the dice by picking them up (one at a time) in their mouths and dropping them onto the table. This was a bit slow, and the dice were quickly covered in dog spit (which was not fun when it was my turn to throw). But the main issue was , during a close game, Macky Rae got excited and accidently swallowed one of the dice - leaving the outcome of the game unresolved.

Eventually, the di passed. After a couple of days, Macky Rae came inside and proudly announced that he had "number two-ed a four." This meant that he had won the game we had started (and failed to finish) a few days before.

In order to resolve the spitty dice problem and prevent future dice consumption, I went online and ordered some pop-o-matic dice poppers.

Six? Chinese Pig only needs three dice!

We also play Farkle, which requires six dice. 

You probably remember the Pop-O-Matic thingies that came with Sorry, Trouble, Headache, or any of those games you played as a kid. They were designed so you (as a kid) didn't lose the dice.

Or accidently eat them.

The dogs enjoy these, as all they need to do is press down on the bubble with their paw and pop the dice. And I don't have to handle spitty dice.

They are fond of board games as well. Macky likes checkers, and Freedom is learning Chess. Sarah is fond of Parcheesi.

On of the board games my dogs like is monopoly, although they have their own rules. I will get to that in a moment. They got interested in Monopoly because of the Micky D's contest - game-piece collecting is very popular with my dogs, and we were visiting McDonalds daily while the monopoly game was going on, collecting game pieces, and sticking them onto the game board. We didn't win anything significant, the most valuable prize we won was free fries (super sized), but the dogs thought this was awesome - free fries!!!

We had a problem the first time, before we ever started playing.

No, nobody ate the dice

The first problem encountered was game pieces. There was an argument over who got to be "the dog."

Actually, it was a fight.

I tried making them take turns, each one being "the dog" on a different day. This didn't work, because the other two were mad at the one who was "the dog."

And this eventually started a fight.

So I told them nobody was going to be "the dog" and they had to choose another token.

And this made them made at me.

Freedom got the shoe, Sarah used the thimble, and Macky Rae had the Race Car - and insisted on making "vroom-vroom" noises ever time he moved his piece.

Finally, I had to go online and buy more dogs tokens. I found some on eBay, and bought enough for everyone. We then went to the hobby store and each of the dog picked a color to paint there dogs.

The dog piece is the most popular monopoly playing piece, not only with dogs but with people as well - according to a recent survey. The car was second. Monopoly has retired a few tokens, the most recent is the Iron. And they added some, the most recent addition to the line-up is the cat - which is not popular at our house.

I mentioned "dog" rules: I came home one afternoon and found the dogs engaged in a game of monopoly, which was fine until I noticed a few irregularities. The first thing I noticed was that someone had taken a sharpie and changed Free Parking to Free Barking. Similarly, Jail was crossed out, and replaced with The Pound. I also noticed hotels on the Railroad spaces, and like a fool I asked.

ME: Why is there a hotel on the Reading Railroad

MACKY: That is not a hotel, it is a train depot.

ME: And the house on Electric Company?

MACKY RAE: It's a power station

Scrabble is also popular with my dogs, especially with Macky Rae who slaps the tiles down when he plays his letters. We make allowances for spelling - after all, they are dogs. Freedom and Sarah are fairly good at spelling, mostly. Macky Rae has issues with the [C] and the [K], and words like [K][A][R] and [K][A][N][D][L][E] are frequent.

There are dog rules as well. For example: the [Q] is assumed to have a [U] (in fact, a "u" was added with the sharpie) so [Q][E][E][N] for "queen" is valid.

Q is a rather odd letter. Maybe we should do a survey or something, and maybe retire the Q from out alphabet and replace it with a more usefull letter

Another "dog" rule is double points for "dog" words: Bark, Woof, Canine, Fetch, Treat, etc. "Cat" and other feline-words are prohibited.

As I have mentioned, we have a fourth member of our pack: Reba, who now 6 month old. Reba is learning to be a dog, mainly by following the example of the other dogs. She enjoys playing games, although being a pup she has not mastered various concepts yet, but she does faily well at some of the simpler games.

We were teaching her dominoes last night (and Macky was teaching her to slap them on the table). This was going well, until she got excited during a game and ate the 4:2 domino...

Chinese Pig is played similar to regular pig, but with three dice. "Oriental" Dice are preferable, but regular dice can be used.
 

Asian dice are traditionally printed with

the 1 and the 4 in red.

Each turn, a player throws the dice, and scores for each [1] or [4] he throws. After each throw he may bank his points (and end his turn), or continue throwing for more points. A player must score at least one [1] or [4] each throw. If he fails to throw a [1] or a [4] he has "pigged" and loses his points for that turn. (Points earned on and banked on previous turns are kept).

First throw immunity: If a player fails to throw a [1] or a [4] on his first throw, he may continue to rethrow the dice until a [1] or [4] appears, after which if he fails to throw a [1] or [4] he is pigged and losses his points.

The first player to reach 100 points wins the game