Folson Dog Pound Blues

Like any good parent, I try to expose my children to the Humanities. For those of you who don't remember, Humanities are those subjects that were the first to get ended when the school board decided to make budget cuts: Art, Theater, Music, etc. - you know the "fun" classes.

They never cut funding for the evil classes such as English and Math. Admittedly, I do use English quite a bit, but Math, not so much. And despite what Mr Rumplemeyer told us in High School, I have not found much use for Algebra in my adult life - it was all a lie, (no doubt part of the International Algebraic Conspiracy).

The problem is my children are 4 legged of the canine variety, which does not mean they should not be culturally enlightened. I try to culturize them, but this is difficult as museums and theaters usually have a "no pets" policy, despite my insistence that they are well-mannered, and genuinely wish to have there horizons broadened.

And then, when I hear a screaming 6 year old in the museum, I am amazed that my kids are not allowed inside, despite the fact that they are so much better behave, do not throw tantrums when they don't get what they want, and actually want to have their horizons broadened.

Lacking opposable thumbs, the dogs cannot fully participate in some of the humanities, such as painting (although I have heard of some dogs who have overcome this limitation. Sadly, none have demonstrated any real talent in that media).

I myself am artistic, and am often working on a sketch of something or someone. I tried to get the dogs into graphic art, but lacking opposable thumbs they didn't do so well. Macky Rae ate the pencils.

My dog's interest in graphic arts is passive, observers as oppose to participants. Their favorite painting is Dog's Playing Poker. There are a few masterpieces they like, but Dog's is their favorite.

They also have a passive interest in theatrical arts. We don't go to theaters (those "no dog rules") so we rent DVDs. Freedom likes "classics," Sarah likes musicals, and Macky Rae enjoys Sci-Fi and "1950s Era Black and White Giant Insect Films."

Out, damned spot! Out, I say!

We did rent Shakespeare once (MacBeth). Didn't go over to well. Freedom (my oldest) fell asleep during act I. Sarah (my female) was appalled by the fashion, and went into the other room during act III. Macky Rae watched the whole thing, and when it was over he asked me "What language were they speaking?"

Sarah developed an interest in Victorian-era children's literature. Some of her favorites are Lewis Carroll, Robert Louis Stevenson, Andrew Lang, and Beatrix Potter. I ask if she liked Kipling, and she said "I don't know. I've never kippled."

My dogs also enjoy music. My youngest dog, Macky Rae, has taken an interest in music. He likes to sing in the mornings, sort of a "I am happy to still be alive" song that we all should perhaps sing, but he is really taken with  songwriting. And (surprisingly) some of his work is actually really good.

For your review, I present his most recent creation:

Folsom Dog Pound Blues
(Sung to the tune of
Folsom Prison Blues)

I hear the buses runnin',

They going past the park.
They start out in the morning
And run 'til after dark.
But I'm in Folsom Dog Pound,
That's where I have to stay.
Them buses keep a runnin'
Many miles away.

When I was just a puppy

My mama said to me

"Always be a good dog.

Try never to be mean."

But then I bit the mailman,

Just to hear him yell.

Now I'm in the dog pound,

And my life is hell.

They don't have doggie biscuits
Or any tasty treats.
Just nasty tasting kibble,
And icky tasting meat.
You don't get any goodies,
When you're in the pound.
There ain't no commissary
For the Evil Hound.

Other dogs are playin',

Running in the grass,

Chasing plastic frisbees,

And catching rubber balls.

I know I had it comin',

I know I can't be free.

But other dogs are playin',

And that's what tortures me.

If they freed me from this kennel,

If the park was mine,

We'd all be barbecuing

And having a good time.
Far from Folsom Dog Pound,
That's where I want to play.

And everyone is welcome,

Except for stupid cats.



Excert from: The Alien Chronicles

The following is an excerpt from a book that may never finish, or get published. The main character is an alien named Kermad d'Frok, a Lieutenant (SG) in the Federation Navy, currently serving as the Cheif Supply Officer on the exploration cruiser Leif Ericson.



Henson Star Cluster

Kermad is an Anurian, an amphibious race of creatures from the 3rd planet (Anura) of the Rana system,  which is located in the Henson star cluster. Three and a half feet tall and frog-like in appearance, the best way to briefly describe Kermad's (or other Anurians') appearance is to imagine what Kermit the frog would look like if he used anabolic steroids.


FSC Leif Ericson
42 officers, 450 crewmen, 150 scientists

The ship is currently at Starbase 42, preparing to undergo a "five year mission" to explore uncharted space.

The scene: The wardroom on the Ericson.


Kermad enters the room, carrying his personal access device (P.A.D.), and seats himself at one of the tables. There are three other officer already sitting at the table, two humans and a light brown fuzzy alien that resembles a bipedal Pomeranian. The most senior is Lt.Cmdr. Sojan Yossarian, the ship's executive officer. Next to him, across from d'Frok, is Dr. Heidi Graffe, the Chief Medical Officer.

The other officer, the non-human, is Lt (SG) Mackarae, the Chief of Computer Operations. Known as "Mack" to his fellow officers, he was a Madran, a dog-like race from a planet in the Txakurra system. When not seated, stood about 4 3/4 feet tall, making him the second shortest being on the ship, the shortest being d'Frok.

The steward approaches.

"The usual, Mr d'Frok?" the steward asked.

"Yes" d'Frok responded, then added "Make it a double"

The steward nodded, and left.

"Had a hard day?" asked Mack while eating a plate of what appeared to be kibble covered with gravy.

" I have just spent the last 8 hours inventorying and re-inventorying the cargo holds" d'Frok said. "I have no clue what about a quarter of the stuff that was loaded onto this ship, but I am reasonably certain that it is not anything required for usage on a star cruiser. "

"You have to realize" the Executive Officer said "that this is an exploration mission. In addition to regular crewmen, we have about 150 scientist from a variety of fields, and their needs will differ from..."

"Weed whackers!"  d'Frok exclaimed.

"Excuse me?" Yossarian asked.

"Weed whackers" d'Frok repeated. "Cargo hold 35-J contains 144 weed whackers, along with an assortment of farming tools, seeds, and a dozen small vehicles that I believe to be riding lawnmowers."

Yossarian remained silent, unsure how to respond.

"Seriously" d'Frok continued "our ongoing mission: to seek out new life, new civilizations. and to boldly landscape their lawns?"

"OK" Yossarian finally said. "That was no doubt a mistake"

"You think?" d'Frok said sarcastically.

"It was no doubt intended to be delivered to an agricultural colony and got loaded on board in error. Contact the starbase Supply Officer and see how the issue can be rectified."

"Somewhere" Mack commented "there is an Ag-station trying to figure out why they were sent hyperdrive coils."

Dr. Graffe laughed at Mack's comment. d'Frok turned towards her, looking at her unamused.

"You find all this funny?" he asked.

He pressed on his P.A.D. and, after bringing up the desired document, held it up for her to read.

"Medical hold 8" d'Frok announced.

After reading for a moment. her face displayed concern.

"These are veterinary supplies!" she exclaimed.

"Apparently" d'Frok said "if the strange new worlds are inhabited by hostile races, Starfleet expects us to spay and neuter them."

"What means neuter" Mack asked.

d'Frok quickly explained it to him. Mack's facial features showed alarm. Being a canine life form, the concept of neutering seemed to effect him more than normal. d'Frok could not be certain due to his fur, but he believed that the blood had drained from Mack's face.

A Jowshwe,
with a twist of lime

At that moment the steward returned with d'Frok's drink, a Jowshwee. The Jowshwee was brackish green liquor that smelled reminiscent of stagnant water. d'Frok preferred his straight up, with a twist of lime.  He swallowed half the drink in a single gulp.

"You got mail" the steward said, setting a comm-card next to his drink. "From your homeworld."

d'Frok picked it up, and inserted the comm-card into his personal access device, and examined the screen.

"From your family?" Mack asked.

"No, from the Anurian Revenue Service"

"Uh-oh, tax time" Graffe commented.

d'Frok read the message, then his face suddenly showed surprise.

"Great Bird of the Galaxy!" d'Frok exclaimed. "Check this out: The sum of $11,038 has been deposited to your account."

He downed the rest of his drink, and called for another.

"Is that your refund?" the Doctor asked

"Refund?" d'Frok asked. "Refund from what?"

"From your income taxes"

"Anura does not have taxes."

"So how does your government pay it's expenditures?" Graffe inquired. "Where does it get the money?"

"Investment portfolios" d'Frok stated. "Stocks, bonds, commodities, precious metals, etc."

"So what is the $11, 038?"

"That's my dividend" d'Frok said. "My government had a very profitable year."

The Doctor looked confused.

"If I follow this correctly" she said, "if your government makes money, everyone get a check?"

"Of course. As citizens of Anura, we are all entitled to a share of the profits. Doesn't your government issue dividends?"

"No" the Doctor said. "In fact, every year we are required to pay a percentage of our income to the government."

"Seriously?" d'Frok exclaimed. "You mean your government doesn't make profit?" he asked.

"No." the Doctor answered

"In fact" Yossarian added "our government is currently running a 16 trillion dollar deficit."

d'Frok looked startled.

"Sixteen trillion?" he asked.

Yossarian and Graffe both nodded.

"Seriously?" d'Frok asked. "And you re-elect these weasels???"

My Dogs and the Holidays.

Who doesn't love a party? It appears to be a universal concept, as every culture has some kind of holiday in which everyone can celebrate, with food and drink.

With humans, alcohol seems to be the most common reoccurring factor in holidays and celebrations. In fact some sociologist believe that alcohol (beer) may have been the reason Homo Sapiens (people) gave up their nomadic lifestyle, settled down, developed agriculture and (eventually) civilization: The needed to brew beer!

Alcohol lead to partying, holidays, festivities, and celebrations. Most everyone enjoys celebrating the holidays. Like everyone else, so do my my dogs. But the significance of the holidays, however, is a bit different from a dog's perspective as the importance of any particular holiday is usually dependant one one key factor: food. Thus, some holidays they like more than others, the primary consideration for them is what kind of meal, if any, will be provided.

The following is a list of holidays,

and their significance to my dogs:

Memorial Day
Independence Day
Labor Day

These three holidays are lumped together, as in my dogs mind they are essentially the same - time to barbecue! And if there is anything the dogs love, it is barbecue. 

I did explain Independence Day to my youngest dog, Macky Rae. He understood patriotism, he just didn't understand the need to blow things up with fireworks in order to celebrate. Quite frankly (now that he mentioned it) neither do I.

Halloween

Not quite appreciated by the dogs, as begging for candy that I would not allow them to eat did not seem like much fun.  

Last October, they did decide to dress up for the day, but couldn't decide on what to dress up as. So I asked them if they wanted to be funny or scary. They decided on scary. Then I asked them what was the scariest thing they could think of. After a few moments, Macky Rae said "Animal Control Officers." 

Thanksgiving

Two words: Unlimited Turkey.

Need I explain further? Eat until you can eat no more, then take a nap on the floor in the middle of the living room. This is a dog-fantasy come true.

Come to think about it, that's why I like the holiday myself. 

Christmas

The dogs are somewhat confused as to why we bring a tree into the house (especially since they aren't allowed to pee on it), but they enjoy eating treats out of a sock on Christmas morning.

New Years Eve

We stayed up last New Years, eating dog treats and watching Time Square on TV, and when midnight came, I blew a horn and said "Happy New Years!" The dogs watched at me as I sang Auld Lang Syne (They didn't know the words, so they couldn't sing along). When I finished, Freedom, (my oldest dog) ask "Now what?"  

Sarah, my female, snorted and walked off, mumbling "I can't believe I stayed up for this."

Grounddog Day

My dogs like spring, as it means winter is over. They do not like winter, or (more specifically) they do not like the cold. Groundhog Day is the first holiday that acknowledges the coming of spring. As we do not know any groundhogs, or even know if there are even any groundhogs west of the Mississippi River, we have modified the holiday to Grounddog Day. 

We get up early, eat a hearty breakfast, then with reverent pomp go outside to observe our shadows. Having seen them, and determining that spring will arrive in six weeks, we go back inside to eat dog treats. 

We are fortunate each year in that we always see our shadows. Macky Rae asked me this year how long until spring if we do not see our shadow. This was never covered in grade-school when we learned about Groundhog Day, so I had to improvise and I told him "A month and a half." This satisfied Macky, but Sarah did the math. 

"A month and a half is the same as six weeks" she observed. I told her that was true, and she then asked "Then why do we do this every year?"

Mardi Gras

This is sort of a dog-related holiday, if you think about it. In New Orleans if you show your puppies, you get beads. But nobody will give beads just to see my puppies, so my dogs don't observe the day.

Valentines Day

Not popular with my dogs, mainly because the primary treat on this day is chocolate, which dogs can't have.

St. Patrick's Day

Another unpopular holiday with the dogs, as it is mainly about celebrating the life of an Irishman by drinking beer (which dogs can't have). They were not amused by my attempt one year to get them into the spirit by dyeing there kibble green. Nor did they appreciate getting pinched for not wearing green. Sarah's exact words were "Do it again, Dad, and you will lose that hand!"

First Day of Spring - March 21st

As I explained (Grounddog Day, above) My dogs dislike winter/ the cold. Therefore, the first day of spring is a joyous event, celebrated by dancing and enjoying dog treats. They also celebrate:

• The second day of spring (celebrated by dancing and enjoying dog treats)
• The third day of spring (dancing and dog treats)
• The fourth day of spring (dancing and dog treats)

They don't celebrate the fifth day of spring. I ask why, and Sarah said "It would be redundant."

April Fools Day

Macky Rae likes the web surfing, and is always looking up new and interesting websites. Last April 1st I played a joke on Macky Rae and told him the entire internet was down in order to perform routine cleaning and maintenance. He didn't believe me, so I told him it was all over the internet news and he should log on and look it up if he didn't believe me. Macky Rae logged on to several news sites, searching for the article about the internet outage, until after about a hour he finally got the joke. He gave me a dirty look and said "That was not funny, Dad!"

Easter

The dogs enjoy Easter. Granted, with those excellent dog noses, the Easter egg hunt takes less than a minute to find all the hidden eggs, but we do enjoy the traditional ham dinner.  

One year, as a joke, I served bunny (fried rabbit). Macky's exact words were "Dad, that is wrong on so many levels."

Cinco de Mayo

The dogs do celebrate this holiday. It is a Mexican holiday, and being part Chihuahua they feel obligated to celebrate to observe this day. But if it wasn't for our walk down to the taco truck for lunch I think their interest would wane.
 

I ask Macky Rae if he even knew what the holiday was about, and he told me he believed it had something to do with the invention of tacos, burritos, and enchiladas.

He may be right.

The Dog Days of Summer

 

Me and my dogs celebrate the Dog Says of summer. Although it's origin actually has nothing to do with real dogs, they (my dogs) feel obligated to observe the days, usually by eating assorted dog treats.

According to my youngest dog, Macky Rae (who spends a lot of time on the web), The phrase dog days refers to the sultry days of summer, the dog days of summer are most commonly experienced in the months of July and August, which typically observe the warmest summer temperatures. The Romans referred to the dog days as diēs caniculārēs and associated the hot weather with the star Sirius, brightest star in the constellation Canis Major (Big Dog). The Dog Days ran from July 24th through August 24th, and in many cultures today this period is still said to be the time of the Dog Days. The term "Dog Days" was used earlier by the Greeks.

The dog days also have additional significance as St Roch's Feast (Patron St of Dogs), National Dog Day, and Macky Rae's birthday all occur during the Dog Days.

Other holidays they enjoy,

(and a few they don't):

St Roch, Patron Saint of Dogs

Feast of St Roch Day - Aug 17

Saint Roch is the patron saint of dogs. We celebrated by eating dog treats.

National Dog Day - Aug 26

We celebrated by eating dog treats.

National Cat Day - October 29th

We do not celebrate this day for obvious reasons, but we still eat dog treats.

Feast of St. Francis of Assissi Day - Oct 4

St. Francis of Assissi is the patron saint of animals, a group to which my dogs belong. Celebrated by eating dog treats.

St Gertrude of Nivelles Day  - March 17th

Patron Saint of Cats. Not celebrated, obvious reasons, dog treats anyhow.

National Bacon Day - Saturday before Labor Day

My dogs like bacon. A lot. We celebrate National Bacon Day by eating bacon, and bacon flavored dog treats.  

Other food holidays my dogs like are:

• National Pizza Day (Feb 9)
• National Crown Roast of Pork Day (Mar 9)
• National Pig in a Blanket Day (Apr 24)
• National Eat What You Want (May 17)
• National Ham Day (June 26)
• National Hamburger Day (July 28)
• National Cheeseburger Day (Sept 18)
• National Food Day (Oct 25)
• National Cook For Your Pets Day (Nov 1)
• National Sandwich Day (Nov 3) - they prefer ham sandwiches or BLTs.
• National Pizza with the Works Day (Nov 12)
• National Fast Food Day (Nov 16) - they prefer Jack in the Box
• National Hamburger Day (Dec 21) - there are apparently two Hamburger Days

Birthdays...

The dogs enjoy celebrating birthdays. But because birthday cake (sugar) is not really good for dogs (and chocolate is a definite no), we celebrate by getting a birthday Spam - the dogs prefer the bacon-flavored one.

...and Unbirthdays

Recently, Macky Rae came up to me one morning and said "Dad, you know what today is? It is my unbirthday!"

I assume he got that from watching Alice in Wonderland.

"We should celebrate it" he suggested.

Later, I found a old, empty Spam can, and gave it to him.

"What is this? he asked.

"It's an unSpam for your unbirthday."

He did not find that very amusing. After re-examined the can and snorting, he said "It is not even the bacon flavored one."



 

Big Ass Lizards - and where they went.

Macky Rae, my youngest dog, has become fascinated with dinosaurs. But who can blame him? I doubt that there is a single child under the age of nine that is not fascinated with dinosaurs. Lizards are cool. Big-ass lizards are beyond cool - they are awesome! They even fascinate me and I am almost...  Well, let's just say I am way over the age of nine.

Macky has done a lot of reading about dinos, and watches everything he can find on the educational channels regarding them. He has learned that they first appeared during the Triassic period, approximately 230 million years ago (give or take a few days), and were the dominant terrestrial vertebrates for 135 million years (give or take a few days), from the beginning of the Jurassic (about 201 million years ago, give or take a few days) until the end of the Cretaceous (66 million years ago, give or take a few days), when the Cretaceous–Paleogene extinction event led to the extinction of most dinosaur groups at the close of the Mesozoic Era.

There are several hypotheses (hypothesii?) and theories as to the demise of the dinosaurs, such as environmental and/or climatic changes, passing comets, disease, etc. But the most accepted theory is a meteor impact. Scientists are even looking for the meteor (or its remains) - which amazes me, because I have a hard time finding my reading glasses five minutes after I set them down. In my own living room. I can just imagine looking for something lost 66 million years ago (give or take a few days) - especially on a world-wide scale.

Macky has a problem understanding the reasons for dino extinction. He doesn't understand a lot of science (but neither do most Americans). His knowledge of science comes primarily from TV, the Discovery Channel and other educational programming, but he is doing rather well considering he is only 2 1/2, as well as being a dog.

There is some science he grasp, and some that he doesn't - like why the light comes on when you open the refrigerator. I tried to explain it to him, but then I realized that I don't understand it all myself, so I told him it was the refrigerator gnome. He then asked where the gnome lived. Kids, always with the questions. But I digress.

Macky's main issue with the meteor theory is that it is too complicated, and he may be right. Quite frankly (according to my dog) the theory does not hold water. In February of this year, Russia was hit by a meteor. If you missed that in the news, there are numerous videos on YouTube that are available for viewing. Macky argues that the meteor did not cause the Russians to become extinct, and as far as I know he is right. I don't know for sure, because I personally have not checked to see if the Russians are still there, but I would think that if the did become extinct there would have been something mentioned on the news (and there hasn't been). So if a meteor strike didn't extinct the Russians, why would it cause dinosaurs to become extinct?

But then where did they go?

Macky came up to me the other day and said: "Dad, I know what happen to the dinosaurs. Someone stole them."

William of Ockham,  an English Franciscan friar and scholastic philosopher, stated in the 14th century that among competing hypotheses, the one that makes the fewest assumptions should be selected. In other words: keep it simple. I think Sherlock Holmes also said something along these lines as well. Macky's "hypotheses" is much simpler than the meteor theory, makes fewer assumptions, follows a more reasonable line of logic, and can be easily understood - even by a nine year old child (or small dog).

And it makes sense if you don't over think it. Consider: you get up in the morning, walk outside and your cars is missing. What happened to it? Meteor impact? Environmental and/or climatic changes? Passing comet? Disease? No, someone stole it! And that's what Macky thinks happen to the dinosaurs.

And the next question (logically) is who? Humans (homo sapiens) have only been around less than a million years. Hominids, our ape-like ancestors/relatives, have only been around about 2 1/2 million years. Dinosaurs disappeared 66 million years ago. So it wasn't us (or our relatives). 

But if it wasn't us, who was it?

"So then, who stole them?" I asked Macky

"Aliens!" he told me.

I should point out now that in addition to dinosaurs, Macky is also fascinated with science fiction, especially Star Trek.

"Aliens?" I asked.

"Yeah, Dad. Aliens. They came in their starships and took them!"

The following is speculation based on information provided to me by Macky Rae, based on his Dinosaur/Alien hypothesis:

66 million years ago (give or take a few days) an alien civilization who had developed space travel and were busy exploring the galaxy came to our solar system, found our planet, and discovered it was full of big-ass lizards.
No doubt the aliens were fascinated by them (but who can blame them?) A few were probably tranquilized and loaded into giant interstellar transports, not unlike the way King Kong was transported from Skull Island to New York. 

So the specimens are eventually placed in a zoo on the homeworld, where thousands (millions) of aliens come to see them. The aliens become fascinated with them (but who can blame them?) Many of them want one of there own, which is understandable.

 I, myself, wouldn't mind a T-Rex chained up in my front yard. It would be a great way to discourage salesmen, bill collectors, and Jehovah Witnesses. Macky Rae wants a triceratops.

So eventually a whole new industry would develop on the homeword: Dino-pets! Soon the demand would increase as aliens, jealous of their neighbors pet, would want them as well. Soon demand would threaten the dinosaur population on Earth. Protective measures would be implemented, perhaps the Earth would be declared a protective game reserve. But pirates would continue to defy the blockade, and soon the "exotic pet" trade would cause the dinosaur population on Earth to disappear.

Not extinct, but poached!

This, of course, would leave a large opening in the ecosystem, which would allow a new, emerging class of vertebrates called mammals to expand and later dominate the planet, eventually resulting in the rise of man (and his best friend, the dog).

Macky Rae believes that when we eventually develop space travel ourselves, and finally meet aliens, we will be able to see the dinosaurs again - in the Galactic Zoological Garden on the alien homeworld. Unless those aliens are extinct. It has been 66 million years (give or take a few days).