Folson Dog Pound Blues

Like any good parent, I try to expose my children to the Humanities. For those of you who don't remember, Humanities are those subjects that were the first to get ended when the school board decided to make budget cuts: Art, Theater, Music, etc. - you know the "fun" classes.

They never cut funding for the evil classes such as English and Math. Admittedly, I do use English quite a bit, but Math, not so much. And despite what Mr Rumplemeyer told us in High School, I have not found much use for Algebra in my adult life - it was all a lie, (no doubt part of the International Algebraic Conspiracy).

The problem is my children are 4 legged of the canine variety, which does not mean they should not be culturally enlightened. I try to culturize them, but this is difficult as museums and theaters usually have a "no pets" policy, despite my insistence that they are well-mannered, and genuinely wish to have there horizons broadened.

And then, when I hear a screaming 6 year old in the museum, I am amazed that my kids are not allowed inside, despite the fact that they are so much better behave, do not throw tantrums when they don't get what they want, and actually want to have their horizons broadened.

Lacking opposable thumbs, the dogs cannot fully participate in some of the humanities, such as painting (although I have heard of some dogs who have overcome this limitation. Sadly, none have demonstrated any real talent in that media).

I myself am artistic, and am often working on a sketch of something or someone. I tried to get the dogs into graphic art, but lacking opposable thumbs they didn't do so well. Macky Rae ate the pencils.

My dog's interest in graphic arts is passive, observers as oppose to participants. Their favorite painting is Dog's Playing Poker. There are a few masterpieces they like, but Dog's is their favorite.

They also have a passive interest in theatrical arts. We don't go to theaters (those "no dog rules") so we rent DVDs. Freedom likes "classics," Sarah likes musicals, and Macky Rae enjoys Sci-Fi and "1950s Era Black and White Giant Insect Films."

Out, damned spot! Out, I say!

We did rent Shakespeare once (MacBeth). Didn't go over to well. Freedom (my oldest) fell asleep during act I. Sarah (my female) was appalled by the fashion, and went into the other room during act III. Macky Rae watched the whole thing, and when it was over he asked me "What language were they speaking?"

Sarah developed an interest in Victorian-era children's literature. Some of her favorites are Lewis Carroll, Robert Louis Stevenson, Andrew Lang, and Beatrix Potter. I ask if she liked Kipling, and she said "I don't know. I've never kippled."

My dogs also enjoy music. My youngest dog, Macky Rae, has taken an interest in music. He likes to sing in the mornings, sort of a "I am happy to still be alive" song that we all should perhaps sing, but he is really taken with  songwriting. And (surprisingly) some of his work is actually really good.

For your review, I present his most recent creation:

Folsom Dog Pound Blues
(Sung to the tune of
Folsom Prison Blues)

I hear the buses runnin',

They going past the park.
They start out in the morning
And run 'til after dark.
But I'm in Folsom Dog Pound,
That's where I have to stay.
Them buses keep a runnin'
Many miles away.

When I was just a puppy

My mama said to me

"Always be a good dog.

Try never to be mean."

But then I bit the mailman,

Just to hear him yell.

Now I'm in the dog pound,

And my life is hell.

They don't have doggie biscuits
Or any tasty treats.
Just nasty tasting kibble,
And icky tasting meat.
You don't get any goodies,
When you're in the pound.
There ain't no commissary
For the Evil Hound.

Other dogs are playin',

Running in the grass,

Chasing plastic frisbees,

And catching rubber balls.

I know I had it comin',

I know I can't be free.

But other dogs are playin',

And that's what tortures me.

If they freed me from this kennel,

If the park was mine,

We'd all be barbecuing

And having a good time.
Far from Folsom Dog Pound,
That's where I want to play.

And everyone is welcome,

Except for stupid cats.