TVLand (reruns)

Upon entering the room, I notice Macky Rae (my youngest dog) watching T.V. He appears enthralled in the television program.

ME: What are you watching?

MACKY: It's a detective show. It is kind of like the Agnes Crusty Mysteries that Sarah likes.

ME: I didn't know you liked mysteries.

MACKY: This one is OK. It has monsters in it.

Silence as we watch the program.

ME: They have a dog.

MACKY: Yeah.

ME: Is it a Mastiff?

MACKY: No, he is a Great Dane.

Silence as we watch the program.

ME: Shouldn't those kids be in school?

MACKY: Dad, hush. They are coming to the good part.

VOICE 1: Let's see who the swamp monster really is

VOICE 2: Jinkies! It's Mr Johnson the gardener.

MACKY: Wow. I did not see that coming. I wonder why he did it?

VOICE 3: Zoinks! Why did he do it?

VOICE 1: The Hotel was built over pirate treasure. If he scared everyone away, he would be able to dig it up for himself.

JOHNSON: And I would have got away with it, if it weren't for these meddling kids.

MACKY: He would have, too.

SHERIFF: Well, he will have 5 to 7 years in the state pen to think about his actions.

MACKY: That was cool!

ME: I think I will go make dinner.

MACKY: Hey, Dad. There is another episode coming on. Do you want to watch it with me?

Macky Rae likes TVLand.

All the shows on TVLand are reruns, but Macky is only 3 years old so he hasn't seen them before.

They aren't reruns if you haven't seen them before.

He also thinks TVLand is a real place. He wants to "visit" some of his favorite shows, but so far has been unable to find where TVLand is on GoogleMaps.

Here are a few of the programs on TVLand (and other networks), and what my dogs opined about them:

The Andy Griffith Show. Andy Taylor is the widowed sheriff of the fictional small community of Mayberry, North Carolina. His life is complicated by an inept, but well-meaning deputy, Barney Fife, a spinster aunt and housekeeper, Aunt Bee, and a precocious young son, Opie (Ron Howard). Local ne'er-do-wells, bumbling pals, and temperamental girlfriends further complicate his life.

MACKY: Dad, was Sheriff Taylor one of those southern redneck peckerwood lawmen?

ME: I don't think so. He seemed like a fairly upstanding type.

MACKY: Then why are there no black people in Mayberry?

FREEDOM: Or Hispanics?

SARAH: Sheriff Taylor is a racist!

Gilligan's Island. For those who has never seen (or heard) of Gilligan's Island: The two-man crew of the charter boat S. S. Minnow and five passengers on a "three-hour tour" from Honolulu run into a tropical storm and become shipwrecked on an uncharted island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

My dogs had some questions about the show:

• Freedom: If the professor could rig up a power generator using coconut shells and palm leaves, why couldn't he patch the hole in the boat? Or at least fix the transmitter?
• Sarah: Why did the Howells take so much luggage on a "three hour tour"?
• Macky Rae: What happened to Wilson?

The Brady Bunch. Mike Brady, a widowed architect with three sons, marries Carol who has three daughters Included in the blended family are Mike's live-in housekeeper, Alice, and the boys' dog, Tiger.

Tiger appeared in many of the early episodes. The original dog used was run over by an automobile and died of his injuries before the fourth episode, but a replacement look-alike was found. "Tiger" appeared in about half the episodes in the first season and about half a dozen episodes in the second season, when he was quietly written out of the series - seemingly vanishing without an explanation. Tiger appeared in a total of 10 episodes.

My dogs think he gotten taken to the pound.

Fluffy was the cat owned by Carol and the girls. Fluffy only appeared in "The Honeymoon" episode from Season One, and was never seen again.

My dogs did not like the cat.

My dogs are currently developing a updated version of The Brady Bunch which they plan to submit to several networks. In their reboot, Mike Brady has the dogs and Carol has three cats. There is also a pet goldfish named Tiger, but it will get written out during the first season.

Speaking of TV dogs 

Seriously?
He fell in the well again?

That's like the third or fourth time.
I think maybe Timmy is retarded.

I know, huh? Lassie should just

leave his stupid ass in the well.

Lassie: One program my dogs do like to watch is Lassie, an American television series that follows the adventures of a female Collie dog named Lassie and her companions, human and animal. The show was televised from September 12, 1954, to March 24, 1973. The fourth longest-running U.S. prime time television series after The Simpsons, Gunsmoke, and Law & Order, the show ran 19 seasons.

Interesting Fact: Lassie was portrayed by six dogs, the last five being descended from the first. Although Lassie was a female in the TV show, the dogs who played her were all males.

Frasier. My dogs and I like to watch Frasier. A spin-off from Cheers, it features Frasier Crane (Kelsey Grammer) as a radio talk show host in Seattle. Although I enjoyed the show for its comedic value, my dogs did not find the show as funny as I did. Of the cast of characters, their favorite was Martin's dog, Eddie.

FYI: "Eddie" was actually played by two dog's during the 11 years the show ran. The first "Eddie" was played by Moose, and then by his son Edzo after the 8th season.

My dogs were rather disappointed that "Eddie" was not given his own show after the series ended.

Macky Rae walks through the living room, wearing a bandanna and walking on three legs. Naturally, I am curious. ME: What's wrong? MACKY: Nothing. ME: Why are you limping? MACKY: I am playing cowboy. ME: What does limping have to do with being a cowboy? MACKY: I am looking for the man who shot my paw.

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear. From out of the past come the thundering hoof-beats of the great horse Silver. The Lone Ranger rides again!

The Westerns

The Lone Ranger. One of the most popular of the westerns is the lone ranger. Originally a radio show, it was modified in the 1950s to television (and later full length movies).


The Lone Ranger is so named because the character is the last survivor of a group of Texas Rangers, rather than because he works alone (as he is usually accompanied by Tonto).

BTW: "Tonto", in Spanish, means "stupid."

One wonders if Tonto was aware of this.

The back story of the Lone Ranger is a posse of six members of the Texas Ranger Division pursuing "Butch" Cavendish and his outlaws is ambushed. Later, an Indian named Tonto stumbles onto the scene and discovers one ranger is still alive, though barely. He nurses the man, whom the radio show eventually established as being named John Reid, back to health. John Reid fashions a black domino mask, using material from his brother's vest, to conceal his identity. To aid in the deception, Tonto digs a sixth grave and places at its head a cross with John's name so that Cavendish and his gang would believe that all of the Rangers had been killed.

The Lone Ranger, and Tonto, then go forth to right wrongs, defend those in need, and (in the words of Macky Rae) majorly kicking bad-guy butt!

Departing on his white stallion, Silver, the Lone Ranger would shout, "Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!" As they galloped off, someone would ask, "Who was that masked man, anyway?"

These catchphrases, his trademark silver bullets, and the theme music from the William Tell Overture have become tropes of popular culture.

Tonto usually referred to the Lone Ranger as "Kemosabe." Many have speculated what "Kemosabe" actually meant, and where it came from. Some speculate it is from the Spanish phrase "Quien sabe" or "quien no sabe," meaning "who knows?" or "he who does not know". Other theorize it is from giimoozaabi, an Ojibwe and Potawatomi word that probably meant "scout", it is sometimes translated as "trusty scout" or "faithful friend".

Some have suggested it means "the south end of a horse that is facing north," Tonto's revenge for being called "stupid" by the Lone Ranger.

Whatever it's meaning or origin, it's use has become so widespread that it was entered into Webster's New Millennium Dictionary in 2002.

Kemosabe?

Bonanza was a TV western series that ran from 1959 to 1973. Lasting 14 seasons and 430 episodes, it ranks as the second longest running western series (behind Gunsmoke), and within the top 10 longest running, live-action American series. The show centers on the Cartwright family, who live in the area of Virginia City, Nevada, bordering Lake Tahoe.

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SARAH: Dad, were the Cartwright boy's gay?

ME: Not that I know.

FREEDOM: I don't think you could have "gay" cowboys in the 50s and 60s.

SARAH: They why didn't any of them have girlfriends?

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Hop Sing
Ben Cartwright's
illegitimate son?

A standard practice with most westerns was to introduce some romance but avoid matrimony. Few media cowboys had on-screen wives. Any time one of the Cartwrights seriously courted a woman, she died from a malady, was abruptly slain, or left with someone else.

And this wasn't just restricted to Bonanza. In just about any other western, if one of the main characters became serious, something was going to happen to her.

• She would turn out to be evil (and get run out of town)
• She would die of a horrific disease
• She would be trampled by stampeding cattle. Or worse, stampeding sheep!

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SARAH: I know why they didn't have girlfriends. They were stinky.

ME: Why would you think that?

SARAH: Because they are wearing the same clothes in every episode.

FREEDOM: Hop Sing must be the only Chinaman in a 1960s western who doesn't do laundry.

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From the fourth season on, the Cartwrights and nearly every other recurring character on the show wore the same clothing in almost every episode. The reason for this is twofold: it made duplication of wardrobe easier for stunt doubles and it cut the cost of refilming action shots (such as riding clips in-between scenes), as previously shot stock footage could be reused.

This practice was used in other westerns as well, which makes it look like cowboys never changed clothes.

Gunsmoke is an American radio and television Western drama series that take place in and around Dodge City, Kansas, during the settlement of the American West. The central character is lawman Marshal Matt Dillon, played by William Conrad on radio and James Arness on television.

The radio version ran from 1952 to 1961, and John Dunning writes that among radio drama enthusiasts "Gunsmoke is routinely placed among the best shows of any kind and any time." The television version ran for 20 seasons from 1955 to 1975, and was the United States' longest-running prime time, live-action drama with 635 episodes. In 2010, Law & Order tied this record of 20 seasons (but only 456 episodes).

As the show progressed, numerous characters came and went as contracts ended and actors went on to other roles, although some remained for most of the series, most notably James Arness and Milburn Stone who portrayed their Gunsmoke characters for 20 consecutive years.

Kelsey Grammer also portrayed the character Frasier Crane for 20 years, but over two half-hour sitcoms (Cheers and Frasier).

One of the characters was Miss Kitty. Miss Kitty was... well, a "professional."

Kitty's profession was hinted at, but never explicit; in a 1953 interview with TIME, MacDonnell declared, "Kitty is just someone Matt has to visit every once in a while. We never say it, but Kitty is a prostitute, plain and simple." The television show first portrayed Kitty as a saloon employee (dance-hall girl/prostitute) then later as the owner of the Long Branch Saloon.

In the series, there was a bit of sexual tension between the Marshal Dillon and Miss Kitty. My theory is that Miss Kitty wanted to hook up with him, but was afraid that if she did, she would be trampled by stampeding cattle.

Or worse, stampeding sheep!

MACKY: Dad, was Marshall Dillon one of those redneck peckerwood lawmen?

ME: I don't think so. He seemed like a fairly upstanding type.

MACKY: Then why are there no black people in Dodge City?

FREEDOM: Or Hispanics?

SARAH: Marshall Dillon is a racist!

Guns and Nudity

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Warning: This blog entry contains a light hearted discussion of nudity, a subject that many people find offensive. If you are offended by nudity, discussions of nudity, or waffles, you may not want to continue reading.
However, if you like nudity, or at least discussions of nudity, or just want to find out what bizarre and off the wall things I have to say, then by all means continue reading.
And if you are hoping for some naughty pictures, this is as racy as it is going to get.

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In the town in which I live, it is perfectly legal to walk down the main road (or any other road for that matter) armed to the teeth and - as long as the weaponry is within the range of acceptability (i.e. no military-grade weapons) and nothing is concealed (unless a concealed weapons permit is issued) - no law enforcement officer, governmental official, or other may impede your orderly perambulation down the municipal thoroughfare.

But if you were to walk down the same road with your Johnson (or Johnsonette) exposed, you will be stopped, and probably arrested for indecent exposure (or lewd conduct).

And you will wind up on the registered sex offender list.

Now the question I have is this: How many people are injured or killed each year in this country by firearms? According to the CDC: 31,672.

How many people where injured or killed by a Johnson?

The CDC website has no data on that. Presumably, there were none.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.       ~U.S.Constitution, Second Amendment

Thanks to the Second Amendment of the Constitution, the right to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed, which means you are within you rights to walk down the road with a .357 on your hip, a 9mm in your shoulder holster, and a .30-06 across your back while holding a 12 gauge shotgun in your hand along with enough ammo to hold of a battalion of Al-Qaeda terrorists.

The police may stop you (and one would hope they would) but as long as you are not wanted for anything, after chatting with the policemen (plural - if you are armed, there will be more than one officer stopping you) you are free to continue on down the road.

Unless you are naked at the time, then you are going to jail.

Nudity, it seems, has little protection under the law

[Gen 2:25] And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

In addition to us, the Naked Mole Rat
was created furless. Genesis also does
not explain this.

For reasons that are not explained in Genesis (or anywhere else in the Bible), God created us naked. And not just naked, but buck naked. Mammals, which our information tells us were the last group of animals the Lord created, all received fur - except for us. All we got was some hair, predominantly on our heads and on our.. well, you know - down there.

And then women go and shave off what little fur the Lord did give them.. well, you know, down there.

I could probably do an entire blog entry on why women do things.

I could do an entire blog on why women do things.

But I digress.

[Gen 3:6-7] she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked;

You ever had this happen to you? You are sitting in your living room, eating a piece of fruit, and suddenly realize that your not wearing any clothes?

[Gen 3:7] and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

I asked this in a previous blog entry: Where did the sewing kits come from?

[Gen 3:10-11] And Adam said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And God said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

"Eve, we shouldn't have eaten the fruit."

[Gen 3:21] Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

And from this point on, anyone naked in public was subject to arrest.

Did you know there was a streaker in the bible?

The "streaker" is an unidentified figure mentioned briefly in the Gospel of Mark, immediately after the arrest of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and the fleeing of all his disciples:

And there followed him a certain young man, having a linen cloth cast about his naked body; and the young men laid hold on him: And he left the linen cloth, and fled from them naked. [Mark 14:51-52]

Although the young man is unidentified, many biblical scholars speculate that the streaker was none other than St. Mark himself, as the parallel accounts in the other canonical Gospels make no mention of this incident.

Lady Godiva was an 11th-century Anglo-Saxon noblewoman who, according to legend rode naked through the streets of Coventry in order to gain a remission of the oppressive taxation imposed by her husband on his tenants. She is one of the earliest historical "nude" protesters.

Many of you (women) no doubt recognize the name Godiva as the manufacturer of premium chocolates. I'm not sure how Lady Godiva became associated with chocolate, as (historically) she would never have tasted chocolate. The company website provided no information on the origin of the name.

The name sort of implies a connection (of which I am unaware) between chocolate and nudity. Maybe it is something like the forbidden fruit: you are sitting in your living room, eating a piece of Godiva Chocolate, and suddenly realize that your not wearing any clothes.

If one of you chocolate-loving women could enlighten me on this, it would be much appreciated. And possible the subject of a future blog entry.

The name "Peeping Tom" for a voyeur (FYI) originates from this legend.The Earl of Coventry ordered everyone to stay indoors while Godiva made her ride, but a man named Tom peeked and watched her ride. In some versions of the legend he was struck blind.

Perhaps Lady G wasn't all that. 

You may have noticed that I
am mostly discussing nudity.

That is because nudity is

more fun to discuss!

In modern times, numerous protesters have taken to the streets in the all together to protest a variety of issues.

And nothing gets peoples attention better than nudity.

In Chicago, shortly after the first troops were deployed to the Gulf, a group of ladies decided to protest the war. This is not unusual, as there were many people who decided to protest the war. What was unusual was what they were wearing (or not wearing, depending on your perspective.)

The were only wearing body paint.

So the police arrived, but not for the reasons you would think. The members of Chicago PD only came to warn the protesters to (please) keep the protest on the sidewalks, as protesting in the street was interfering with the orderly flow of traffic - we can probably safely assume that the protesters were protesting during rush hour as to maximize there message.

Paint, apparently, at least in the Windy City, is considered clothing as it pertains to the laws governing nudity and lewd behaviour.

And I suppose that if Lady Godiva had been there, the Chi-Town constables would have only reminded her to clean-up after her horse.

While doing research for this blog entry,
I learned that there is an actual airline that
caters to nudists.

Speaking of Chicago, did you know that the unofficial streaking record is 1852 miles. That's right, miles.

What does this got to do with Chicago?

Because 1852 miles the distance (in air miles) from Chicago to San Francisco.

Let me explain:

Back in 1980, Abigail Fitch a resident of San Francisco received notice from her great uncle's lawyers that he had died and, being his sole living relative, could she come to Chicago in order to settle his estate. As the request came with air fare, Abigail agreed.

At the very least, a free trip to the Windy City.

She knew her great uncle was well-off, but not how much. She was expecting a settlement of maybe a few thousand dollars, but when she met with the lawyers she was informed that the settlement was for a few million dollars. $19 million, more or less, which in 1980 was quite a bit of  money.

 It still is today.

I've heard two versions of the story regarding her return to "the City by the Bay." One is that she chartered the 1st class section of a commercial flight, the other is she chartered a private jet. But in both versions of the story, Abigail boarded the plane and promptly removed her clothing, and flew to San Francisco au naturel, being served champagne and macadamia nuts by a steward names Eric who probably still tells the story to this day. 

As soon they landed, Abigail put her clothes back on and disembarked.

And my guess is that she hired a taxi, drove to her place of employment, and tendered her resignation.

Which brings us to California:

In 1983, Sheila MacPherson, a resident of Santa Mira CA, was sunbathing in her back yard when police arrived and issued her a citation. Whereas sunbathing was legal, Sheila was doing it in the altogether, which was altogether a violation of the cities nudity ordinance.

One of the neighbors must have called, no doubt. There is always one...

But instead of paying the fine, she decided to fight it in court.

Despite being caught sans vêtements, Sheila pled "not guilty" to the charge against her.

Her lawyer then requested that the court dismiss charges against Ms MacPherson, claiming that she could not have violated the ordinance. He pointed out that the ordinance didn't specifically prohibit being naked in public, it prohibited "the public display of genitalia."

Same thing right?

Not exactly.

Sheila's lawyer brought in evidence, a medical book or something (Grey's Anatomy?) which explained in medical terms (accompanied by illustrations) that a woman's genitals are internal, not external, and therefore it would have been physiologically impossible for Ms. MacPherson to have violated the city's ordinance.

The judge agreed, and the charges against her were dropped.

If I ever get arrested, this is the lawyer I want to represent me.

One might assume that the ordinance was rewritten at the next city-council meeting. If not sooner.

What is Mrs Emerson

doing in her back yard?

     I think she's going to

sunbathe herself.

OMG! She's taking

off her bathing suit!

She's naked!

I better go tell Dad.

He'll want to see this!

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Guns and Nudity will be continued in a future blog entry.

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