Beer, brewing, and health benefits.

In a previous blog entry entitled Barbecuing, Beer, and the Fourth of July, I mentioned a theory that beer may have been the catalyst that cause nomadic man to settle down and become civilized.

In brief, the theory goes that the cradles of civilization were abundant in food, and mankind would not need to settle and develop agriculture. Unless he wanted to brew beer. Then he would need to settle down, grow grain, etc.

New York Times: How Beer Gave Us Civilization.
History.com: Did Beer Spur the Rise of Agriculture and Politics?

I have another theory that goes along with the above beer theory: When ever a group of people migrated into a new area to settle, one of them eventually looked around and asked "I wonder what I can used to make booze out of?"

This theory would explains making Tequila out of cactus juice.

FYI: You will never find a worm in the bottle of Tequila. Only certain mescals are ever sold con gusano (with worm), and that only began as a marketing gimmick in the 1940s. Tequila (a form of mescal) is regulated by the Mexican government: it may only be made with blue agave (the cactus), can be produced only in limited regions, and cant have any "worms."

"From man’s sweat and God’s love, beer came into the world." ~ Saint Arnulf of Metz (c. 582 – 640)

Ever heard of St Arnulf? He was a 7th century Frankish bishop of Metz and advisor to the Merovingian court of Austrasia, who retired to the Abbey of Remiremont. He was canonized (made a saint) after his death, and eventually was made "The Patron Saint of Brewers." He is also one of my ancestors.

For real. Unlike the fictional relatives I blog about, this one actually existed.

In his sermons, Arnulf told the parishioners to drink more beer. The reasons was not so much spiritual as hygiene. At the time, the water supply was often contaminated, carrying germs and other icky stuff that caused illness. Beer, on the other hard, killed the germs through the brewing process, making it healthier to drink than water - a fact noted by Arnulf (amongst others).

The only problem I have with the beer mug
story is this: What kind of tavern runs out
of beer?

Legend of the Beer Mug

Arnulf eventually retired to a monastery, and died in 640. The citizens of Metz requested, and were granted, permission to return his body to Metz. According to the legend, it was a hot day and the people assigned to return the body decided to stop at a roadside tavern for a pint of beer.

But when they ordered, they were informed there was only enough beer left for one mug, so the party was forced to share the beer. Yet, miraculously, the mug never ran dry, and all had enough to drink.

The miracle was attributed to Arnulf, who in life advocated beer drinking, and as a result he was eventually designated the Patron Saint of Brewers.

One of them, anyhow.

Other "Beer Saints" include:

• St. Abdon: Patron saint of barrel-makers or coopers
• St. Adrian of Nicomedia: Patron saint of brewers and middle England’s brewers guild
• St. Amand: Patron saint of bar staff, bartenders & beer merchants
• St. Arnold of Soissons: Patron saint of brewers, hop-pickers
• St. Arnou of Oudenaarde: Patron saint of beer & Belgian brewers
• St. Augustine of Hippo: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Barbara: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Bartholomew: Patron saint of mead drinkers
• St. Boniface: Patron saint of brewers, German brewers & innkeepers
• St. Brigid: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Columbanus of Ghent: Patron saint of Belgium & brewers
• St. Cuthbert: Patron saint of maltsters
• St. Dorothy of Caesarea: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Florian: Patron saint of brewers, coopers & barrel-makers
• St. Hildegard of Bingen: Patron saint of hop-growers
• St. Lawrence of Rome: Patron saint of brewers & malsters
• St. Luke the Apostle: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Martin of Tours: Patron saint of innkeepers & tavern-keepers
• St. Matthew: Patron saint of publicans
• St. Medard of Noyon: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Nicholas: Patron saint of brewers (and yes, it’s that Saint Nick)
• St. Patrick: Patron saint of Ireland
• St. Theodotus: Patron saint of innkeepers
• St. Urban of Langres: Patron saint of coopers
• St. Veronus of Lambeek: Patron saint of Lambeek & Belgian brewers
• St. Wenceslas of Bohemia: Patron saint of Bohemia & Czech brewers

And that's just for beer. I haven't began on wine yet.

The Buffalo Theory

Scientists and other smart people in the medical profession have for sometime been aware of many other benefits of moderate beer consumption.

Note well, I said moderate.

These include:

• Reduced risk heart disease, and reduces chance of heart attack by 31%
• Stronger bones
• Healthier kidneys, and reduces risk of kidney stones.
• Source of fiber
• Source of B vitamins
• Low blood pressure
• Reduced risk of cancer
• Prevention of blood clots
• Reduced risk of diabetes
• And it makes you smarter!

Smarter?

Empirical research has shown that the brain speeds up after drinking beer. Known as the "Buffalo Theory," it was first presented to the scientific community on an episode of Cheers.

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

      
 In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
      
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.      

My dogs were horrified to learn that

cats were worshipped in ancient Egypt.

I was able to appease them by telling
them about Anubis, the jackal-headed
god of the afterlife.

A page from an ancient
Egyptian Cocktail Guide. 

Ever heard of tetracycline? It is a commonly used antibiotic used in medicine to treat a broad variety of infections. It was only discovered about 75 years ago...

Or so it was thought.

Archaeologist, analyzing a clay pot that was used to hold beer detected traces of tetracycline.

There are a plethora of papyrus documents from the age of the Pharaohs, and one of them contained a recipe for Egyptian beer.

So the Archaeologist decided to brew up a batch of Pharaonic beer, using equipment and paraphernalia from the time period, brewed some beer and tested it.

And got buzzed!

So they brewed up another batch, and this time instead of drinking it they analyzed it. And guess what they found?

Tetracycline!

It was not an apple that kept the doctor away in ancient Egypt, it was barley pop!



Macky Rae's Egyptian art

I brewed up a batch of beer once, back when I was in the Air Force.

Well, technically it wasn't beer, it was mead. It's a brewed beverage like beer, except instead of grain, it is made from fermented honey water.

When I was in the Air Force, I found a recipe in a paperback bartending guide. It was a relatively simple recipe, and I decided I wanted to try it. I don't know why I did. It may have been the honey aspect. I like honey. Even today, I prefer it in my coffee.

It was probably a way for me to rebel against the strict regime of military life.

I mean, it wasn't as if  couldn't go across the street to the base exchange and pick up a case. There was a mini-fridge in the room, and between me and the roommate there was usually more beer in it than food.

The problem was that at the time, I was billeted in the dormitory, and one of the rules was no cooking. So I was forced to enlist the aid of one of my fellow servicemen, A1C Gary Barkley, who (being married) lived off-base. His wife was out of town, visiting her people, which was a good thing because she would have freaked if she saw what we did to her kitchen.

We cleaned it all up before she returned, so it was all good.

We assembled the ingredients in a big-ass pot and cooked it as per the instructions. The concoction was brackish but we were not done just (so maybe it would look better). There was a lot of debris in the mixture, and the instructions said to strain out the debris.

Except we didn't have a strainer.

Improvise! Adapt! Overcome!

So we had to improvise, and we strained the concoction into the 1 quart Gatorade jars I had saved up (which were glass back in the 1980s) through a pair of pantyhose we borrowed generously donated by the lovely Mrs. Barkley (without her knowledge).

Before you say anything, it was a new (clean) pair.

And before you say anything, I bought her a new pair to replace the one we borrowed (although we never told her what we had done). We couldn't have the lovely Mrs Barkley smelling of home brew.

Gary kept a jar for himself, and I took the other 11 back to my room, and were stored underneath the sink.

A few days afterwards, the First Sergeant did his monthly dorm check. There are many words that would apply to SMSgt Sullivan, one of which was "thorough" and the brackish liquids stored under the sink did not escape his attention.

Another applicable word was "intelligent." Although he did not know what the brackish liquid was, he knew it wasn't Gatorade.

One afternoon, while I was at the CQ on routine business (unrelated to brewing), the First Sergeant stepped out of his office and (politely and casually) asked to speak with me for a moment.

Asking (FYI) is not the same in the military as it is in civilian life. Although he "asked," by virtue of the fact that he had more stripes on his sleeve than I did meant the "request" was not an option.

"I did room inspections the other day, and I noticed several jars of something under your sink. I was curious as to what it was."

As I said, he knew it wasn't Gatorade.

"Honey mead" I answered, and from his facial expression I realized that I was going to have to explain further.

I told him (briefly) about going to A1C Barkley's apartment and cooking the brackish liquid. I left out the part about the pantyhose

"You're bootlegging?" he asked, more of a comment than a question.

"Well, not in the traditional sense of the word, but I suppose that is a fairly close description. Technically I am just fermenting." I said, then asked "Is it against the regulations?"

He thought for a moment, the said "I don't know, but I don't think so. Alcohol is allowed in the room, and I would think this this fit that category. As long as you are not cooking it in your room, I don't see any violation."

I assured him that I was not cooking in the room.

"It will be ready in a few weeks" I informed him. "If you would like to come up and sample some..."

"That's OK" he said.

He turned and started re-entered his office. I turned, and was about to exit the CQ when the First Shirt called out to me.

"By the way, Airman Barnes. I am aware of the coffee pot that you have hidden in your foot locker."

 

 

Home brewed Honey Mead

This is not the recipe I used, but I couldn't find that one:

• 1 Gallon of Spring Water (do not get refrigerated)
• 3-4 pounds of pure unprocessed honey
• 1 balloon to stretch over the mouth of the spring water jug
• 1 package of Fleishmann’s Yeast (or any wine making yeast)
• 1 Tea Bag
• 1 Orange
• 25 Raisins



Another mead recipe:
Basic Mead (Epicurious.com)
and
12 Mead Recipes (Leeners.com)

Start by taking a pot and sanitizing it with some bleach water. (1 cap mixed with a gallon of water) Then sanitize a knife and a cutting board.

Pour off half of the water into the pot. Add the honey, raisins and tea bag to the jug, cut the orange into 8-10 pieces and add that with the yeast too.

The next step is to shake the jug vigorously, the more the better, 5 min would be ideal. This will aerate the mixture giving the yeast plenty of oxygen.

In about 3-5 hours you should start to see things happening.

In 3-5 weeks the balloon will be limp as most of the fermentation will be complete.  At this time if you choose to taste the wine you will notice the alcohol but a harsh flavor.  Place the jug somewhere for two to three months, any time after that you can drink it.

Optional Equipment & Steps:

1. Replace the plastic jug with a glass gallon jug and a vapor lock
2. Zest the orange add that to the must, remove the zested peel and add the orange insides.
3. After the first three weeks (when the balloon is limp) transfer to a second container without orange, tea bag or raisins.
4. Add 1-2 cloves for some spice. 

Guns and Nudity (part 2)

---

Warning: This blog entry contains a light hearted discussion of nudity, a subject that many people find offensive. If you are offended by nudity, discussions of nudity, guns, or free speech, you may not want to continue reading.

However, if you like nudity, or at least discussions of nudity, or just want to find out what bizarre and off the wall things I have to say, then by all means continue reading.

---

In Guns and Nudity (Part 1)  I stated that I was mostly discussing nudity because nudity was more fun to discuss.

This may, or may not be true. After doing a bit of statistical research, however, I have discovered that guns may be more popular than nudity.

According to the data, the National Rifle Association (NRA) has a membership of 5,000,000. In contrast, the American Association for Nude Recreation (AANR) only has 50,000 members.

This means there is a 100:1 gun to naked ratio!

Simple Mathematics?

Now this ratio is somewhat off, because it does not take into account NRA members who are also card-carrying nudists (although I'm not sure you can really have card carrying nudists - where would they keep their wallets?). However, using some basic math... 

OK, maybe not so basic.

Using some advanced mathematics, we can make a reasonable estimate of how many nudist/gun nuts are out there.

Nation wide, we estimate about 786.

Kind of a scary thought, huh? What this means is (statistically) if you live in a city of half a million, an the average you would have 7861 gun enthusiasts and 78 nudist (one of which was packing a gun).

One of the advantages
of being a nudist gun-
enthusiast is that you
never have to bother
about getting a permit
to carry a concealed
weapon.

Now the numbers I came up with are estimates, based on a branch of mathematics called "statistics". Statistic is a fuzzy science, as the numbers can easily manipulated by omitting data that would give results contrary to the desires of the statistician.

The "wrong" hands

I have always wondered: Is Obama
deliberately lying to us, or does he
actually believe the crap he is saying? 

In the wrong hands, statistics can be used for sinister purposes, such as misleading millions of Americans into believing absolute untruths.  

Consider: Statistics from the White House indicate that the Affordable Care Act is not only popular, but working better than was originally expected.

Another indicator of the popularity of guns versus nudity is magazine subscriptions.

According to data from the Alliance for Audited Media, the most popular gun magazine is The American Rifleman #33 on the top 100 magazines (based on circulation) with 1.93 million readers. Playboy, the most popular nudity magazine (and the only one on the top 100 list) was #59 with 1.26 million readers (Although some may not be "readers" in the traditional sense).

And it gets worse:

#52, with 1.4 million readers, is Golf Magazine - which means more people would rather Golf than look at nudity.

And over 2,000,000 read TV Guide (#28) - which means more people would rather sit at home and watch TV than shhot guns or look at nudity.

Although many of the TV watchers are probable naked, or partially naked. I bet there are more nude TV watchers than nude gun shooters. 

And #18 is The Oprah Magazine.

Draw your own conclusion from this.

Now, this might not be conclusive evidence as to the popularity of puns as opposed to the popularity of nudity, but it does tend to indicate that people would rather look at guns than look at nudity.

However, this may not be entirely accurate as it only considers printed media and does not take into account electronic media.

I bet when Hugh Hefner dies,
nobody is going to say "He
has gone to a better place."

In 1995, Playboy's circulation was around 5 million. Now, twenty years later, it has declined by 75% and the reason for this is the World Wide Web. Because of the preponderance of porn on the Internet, many Playboy readers have declined to renew their subscriptions.

Why pay for it, when you can get it free.

In a previous blog entry entitled Where Are the Aliens? I hypothesized that online porn (specifically icky porn) was the reason we have not been contacted by the extraterrestrials.

Now it appears that it has adversely effected Hugh Hefner's empire.

Poor Mr. Hefner. After all he has dome for humanity.

Yeah, right. Poor Hef is just suffering, isn't he?

Actually, do you know what the most popular nudity magazine is?

You mean it's not Playboy?

If you stretch the definition a bit (OK, a lot) the most popular nudity magazine, # 8 of the top 100 magazines with just over 4 million readers, is National Geographic.

And if you don't believe NatGeo is a nudity magazine, you were never a pre-pubescent male.

Before we could get ahold of Playboy or Penthouse (or worse), there was NatGeo. Unless you where your dad hid his stash in the garage, you rarely saw a Playboy.

National Geographic was available in the library.

Seriously. Does nobody in Liechtenstein

ever get naked?

NatGeo was (and still is) noted for its photography, and as kids we (pre-pubescent males) looked forward to articles (and photos) about third-world countries in which the natives wore nothing, or at least nest to nothing. As kids, we waited eagerly for the next issue to arrive. Sometimes our waiting would be rewarded with another well researched photo-essay on a third world African, South American, or Indonesia country.

Usually it was something non-sexual, such as Dolphins of the Caribbean, Skiing in Liechtenstein, and Exploring the Solar System.

Unlike Playboy it was not a sure thing.

Oh, well. There is always next month.

And back issues.