The Bureau of Holiday Affairs (Part 1)

When I was a kid, the Christmas season did not begin until after Thanksgiving.


"I love a parade"

As kids we would watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (after which grandmother usually had dinner ready and we would all go in to eat). We delighted watching the parade, enjoying the variety of floats, marching band, and assorted giant cartoon character balloons. And the last float, signaling the end of the parade, was Santa Claus, heralding the beginning of the Christmas season.

Now days, we are lucky if they wait until after Halloween.

The Christmas season is becoming like a cancerous growth, expanding and trying to devour everything in it's path. We need to stop it, before it spreads any further.

I am not trying to be grinchy.

Don't get me wrong. I like Christmas as much as the next person. But there needs to be some limits before it gets out of hand, if it hasn't already.

Freedom and I stayed up one night, discussing the fact that the stores were already dragging out Christmas stuff, and Halloween wasn't over. No Thanksgiving displays. It is as if we go straight from Halloween to Christmas. My dogs were concerned that they might just decide to do away with Thanksgiving.

And let me assure you that my dogs do enjoy Thanksgiving. Any holiday with copious amounts of food is tops in their book.

They decided that something must be done, soon, before Thanksgiving becomes history.

Before it get out of hand!

I figured that our web address would
be www.doha.gov, but the dogs like
www.hohoho.gov so I got outvoted.

What we came up with is what we decided to call the Bureau of Holiday Affairs. Although we officially cover all holidays, we are primarily concerned with Christmastime, as that is the one that most needs to be placed under control.

The dogs decided that I should be the Director of the Bureau, because I took political science and law classes in college. My staff, so far is just my three little dogs:

• Freedom is the Deputy Director of the Bureau
• Sarah originally wanted to be the Bureau Princess, but after I explained that the U.S.Government does not have "princesses," she decided on Executive Secretary for Public Affairs, hoping that she will be invited to be the Grand Marshall of some of the holiday parades (or at least get to ride on one of the floats - she has been practicing her parade wave in the mirror).
• Macky Rae is the Associate Deputy Director (with the understanding that if Sarah gets to ride on a parade float, he does too). He is also our webmaster.

Freedom thinks we should be an independent governmental agency, but Sarah wants us to be under the Department of Health and Human Services. Macky thinks we should be part of the Postal Service.

He wasn't exactly clear as to why he thought this was a good idea.

But some of the "good ideas" we came up with are explained in this blog entry (below):

 

Defining the Holiday Season

Start of the Season:

I think the traditional "day after Thanksgiving" is an acceptable start date, although this would not work for Canadians (their Thanksgiving is in October) or other countries (who don't have Thanksgiving). So for the sake of compatibility with our Cannuck neighbors (and others), we should recognize December 1st as the start of the Season (although in the United States, it shall be lawful to begin the day after Thanksgiving - but no sooner!)

Merchants (and everyone else) will be prohibited from

• Playing Christmas Music
• Putting up Seasonal Displays
• Having Christmas Sales

until after the start of the Holiday Season. Anyone violating this rule will be subject to severe penalties, such as being

boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

(FYI - That's a direct "Scrooge" quote from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol)

End of the Season:
My first thought was that the season should end New Years Day,  but there are those who also celebrate Epiphany/Three kings Day (January 6th). So what we decided was that the holiday season will officially end on January 15th. After this date

• All Seasonal music must stop.
• All decorations must be taken down. Including Christmas lights, and not just turned off, but taken down!!! If you are too lazy to take down Christmas lights from around your house, don't put them up.

Similar penalties apply for violations.

The Snowman Exception

Snow is an integral part of the holiday season. Because it is unlikely that mother nature will cooperate with us and remain within our guidelines, we may expect snow before, and after, our defined season. An exception to the start and end dates are Snowmen (or if you prefer, snowpeople). Therefore, snowmen may be constructed whenever there is sufficient snow on the ground, and may remain after the holiday season (weather permitting).

In other words, you can keep your snowman after the 15th, until warmer winds melt him away.

This only applies to real snowmen. Artificial and plastic inflatable snowmen must be removed by the 15th.

This exception also applies to other snow constructs (snow forts, snow art, etc).

However, a few snowman guidelines:

• Holiday specific apparel and accessories (e.g. "Santa" hats) will need to be removed after the 15th.
• Snowmen may not have "equipment" - the carrot goes on the face! 
• Snowwomen may have breasts, but they are required in good taste.
• Likewise snow sculptures must also be in "good taste."
• The number of snowmen is limited to the number of real persons living at the residence.

 

Music

---

MACKY: Dad, I have a question about Santa.

ME: What's that?

MACKY: Is it true that "he sees you when you're sleeping?"

ME: That's right.

MACKY:  And "He knows when you're awake?"

ME: And "he knows if you've been bad or good."

FREEDOM: So be good!

SARAH: Oh, for goodness sake!  You guys are stupid.

MACKY: Dad, don't you find that a little creepy?

ME: I hadn't thought about it before.

FREEDOM: Maybe Santa should be working for the Department of Homeland Security.

SARAH: Yeah, then maybe it wouldn't have taken them 10 years to find Bin Laden. 

---

You know that Christmas has shifted into full gear by the sudden deluge of holiday music that emanates from virtually ever merchant and office.

No other season comes near the level of musical intensity as does the yuletide season.

• Nobody goes out Easter carolling
• Store do not play Halloween music none stop in order to sell more fun-sized candy.
• I've yet to see a display of Patriotic Albums at Wal*Mart (or anywhere else) on the 4th of July, or any other patriotic holiday and I know there are enough patriotic songs to make several albums, because I marched to them when I was in the Air Force!

So, as to not overwhelm the population with an overload of carols, we (the Bureau) impose the following rules regarding Holiday music:

1. Stores and businesses that play Christmas songs must post a  warning sign (clearly noticeable) at all entrances indicating that they are playing Christmas music. That way, people who do not wish to hear them are forewarned and do not accidental walk into a store and get blasted with carols.

2. Holiday tunes may not be played consecutively. After playing a Christmas song, two non-Christmas song must be played before another Christmas song is played.

An exception to this would be music stores. Because they are selling music, they will be allowed to play music on a one for one ratio - in other words after playing a Christmas song, they are only required to play one non-Christmas song before playing another Christmas song.

But this is only for actual music stores. Businesses that are trying to sell CDs as a sideline (such as Starbucks) will not be allowed this exception.

In fact, I think they should be put on a four to one ratio!

The bureau is currently drafting a legal definition of what is, and what is not, a music store.

"I'm Dreaming of a
White Christmas"

3. A particular Christmas song may only be played once in a three hour period, and this includes variation by other artists.

In other words, if you play Bing Crosby's White Christmas, you can't play White Christmas again for three hours, even if it only Dean Martin's version. (Sorry Dino, rules are rules.)

4. Christmas music may not exceed 35 decibels (retail stores) or 25 decibels (business office).

For our purposes, Holiday music will be divided into three groups:





On December 26th, "Santa is not

coming to town," he is resting

and making plans for his annual

vacation with Mrs Claus.

• Santa Songs - Songs about Santa Claus and other secular aspects of Christmas, such as Santa Claus is Coming to Town and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
• Religious Songs - Song's of a more religious nature, such as Silent Night and Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
• Winter Songs - these are the songs primarily about the wintertime, snow, cold, etc. such as Jingle Bells and Winter Wonderland.

No Holiday music may be played before the start of the Season. 



Santa Songs and Religious Song may only be played until Christmas. The reason for this is that playing song like Santa Claus is Coming to Town after Christmas does not make sense.

Some exceptions will be made: Because Three kings Day in January 6th, songs such as We Three Kings and other songs about the wise men may be played until then.

Gaspar, Balthazar, and Melchior

"Baby, it's cold outside"

One of my favorite seasonal songs is
Baby, It's Cold Outside. It's a duet, with
the woman insisting that she needs to
go home, and the man trying to get her
to stay the night, using the bad weather
as an excuse.

I like this song.

Winter Songs may be played up until the 15th.



These rules will not apply to radio stations (and other media), as these are governed by the FCC. So, if one of the local stations decides to broadcast Holiday music 24/7, for the most part we are OK with that.

Actually, we are not OK with it, but as the FCC governs  media, we will half to deal with it.

We are considering a letter to the head of the FCC, to see if we can get him to get onboard with us regarding holiday music control.

However, local merchants will be prohibited from playing these stations unless they (the stations) conform to our music guidelines (above).

We are currently drafting a letter to the FCC advising them of our ruling.

Two or three seasons ago, I attempted to find refuge from the constant barrage of yuletide tunes by driving to the other side of town, all the way to Goldberg's Kosher Deli. You'd think one would be safe at a Jewish deli, right? Wrong! As I entered the deli, anticipating a pastrami on rye, I was greeted by the symphonic sounds of Silent Night (performed by the Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir).  Besides, as Rueben will explain, the only Holiday song that they have for Hanukkah is the Dreidel Song. ME: Reuben! What's with the music? REUBEN: What's wrong with the music? ME: It's Christmas music! REUBEN: So? It is Christmas time. ME: But you're Jewish! REUBEN: So was Jesus. (Good point) REUBEN: I need to please my gentile customers. ME: You didn't play them last year. REUBEN: My Golda wasn't married to a gentile last year.

Bell Ringers:
Another herald of the holiday season are the Bell Ringers, usually collecting donations from the Salvation Army (or some other group).

I realize it is for charity, and they want to go out while people (theoretically) have the spirit of giving in their hearts. But lets face it, Bell Ringers are annoying.

Therefore the following rules apply to all Bell Ringers:

• Only six (6) dings per minute.
• Bell Ringers must remain at least 25 feet away from all store entrances and exits.
• Bell Ringers may not block the flow of pedestrian traffic on sidewalks
• Bell Ringers must stay out of the street and/or parking lots.
• Stay away from the corners of busy intersections.
• Bell Ringers may not come any nearer than 100 feet from an outdoor cafe/coffee shop.
• Bell Ringers may not come any nearer than 250 feet from my outdoor coffee shop.

And if music is played in conjunction with collecting, refer to our music rules (above).

Ringtones: We are not going to prohibit holiday ringtones, or place any restrictions on them. Feel free to select your favorite Christmas song. Just remember: when you are out in public set your phone to vibrate.

Carolling: 
There is something about the holiday season that makes some people gather together and venture out into the cold (and the snow) in order to spread good cheer throughout the neighborhood by standing out on the lawn and singing Christmas Carols.

Which is nice, except that they are (more or less) the same carols that we are inundated with all day, thanks to the local merchants.

I am not going to impose any rules on Carollers and Carolling, freedom of speech and expression, freedom of assembly, and all that. I am going to "suggest" a few "guidelines":

1. Limit the carols to a maximum of two song for each house visited.
2. If you just visited the house next door, you can't sing those song again.
3. All members of the carolling party should know how to sing.
4. No carolling after 9:30pm.
5. If you carol at my house, please do not act surprise when I douse everyone with a pitcher of water.

 Bah Humbug I had a rather unusual carolling experience last Christmas. I was sitting at home, reading a magazine when someone knocked on me door. It was around 8:30-8:45 or so, before 9:30 - as a rule, I don't welcome visitors later than that. There are very few reasons I will accept for knocking after 9:30pm: You are there to tell me the building is on fire, and that we (me and my dogs) need to evacuate for reasons of safety. You are there to tell me I won the lottery - but only if it is more than $50,000. Anything less than that can wait until the morning. And by "morning" I mean after 9am, and after I have had my coffee. You are female, attractive, and planning to spend the night. You are female, less than attractive, and holding a bottle of Irish whiskey (and planning to stay the night). But as I said, 8:30/8:45, someone was knocking at the door. Actually, it was not so much knocking, it was more of a tapping...                                                                            ... a tapping, As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. " 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door; Only this, and nothing more." So I got up to see who was tapping. I open the door, and at first I didn't see anyone, but then I looked down and saw my three dogs, which surprised me because I  thought they were asleep in the bedroom. I was also surprised because they were (for lack of a better word) "decorated." Decorated, as in Sarah had ribbon wound around her neck, Freedom looked like he had rolled in tinsel, and Macky Rae was wrapped up in Christmas lights and plugged into an outside outlet. ME: What, may I ask, are you doing? A logical question when your dogs appear at the front door donned in gay apparel.   "Here we come a waffling..." MACKY: We are waffling! FREEDOM: He means wassailing. MACKY: That is what I said. ME: You're wassailing? MACKY: Yeah! Want to hear us waffle? ME: Yeah, sure. The dogs then proceeded to (for lack of a better word) serenade me with their rendition of a Christmas carol, and it wasn't all that bad - even with Macky Rae singing off key. We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, And a Happy New Year! Good tidings we bring for you and your kin; We wish you a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Now bring us some figgy pudding, Now bring us some figgy pudding, Now bring us some figgy pudding, And a cup of good cheer! At this point,  I noticed some of the neighbors starting to peek out their windows, so I figured I'd better get the dogs inside before police were called. We were already on the neighborhood "naughty list" as a result of a recent incident involving one of my dogs and a neighbor's cat. So I unplugged Macky from the outlet, and herded them back into the house. I sat back down, intending to finish my magazine when I notice all three dogs where staring me. Figgy pudding is desert containing figs that dates back to 16th century England. If you are interested, there is a recipe on the wikibooks website.  ME: What's wrong? SARAH: We are waiting for the figgy pudding. ME: Figgy pudding? SARAH: Yeah. You're suppose to bring us some. FREEDOM: It's part of the song. MACKY: And we won't go until we get some! ME: I don't even know what it is. SARAH: It's a Christmas dessert. MACKY: And we won't go until we get some! ME: I don't have any. The dogs suddenly looked distressed. They had selected a song that (they thought) would result in a treat, but had failed to consider the possibility that I didn't have the required figgy pudding. Their plan had gone awry. ME: I got some beef jerky. The dogs confabulated for a moment, then decided that beef jerky would be an acceptable substitute for figgy pudding. Another crisis resolved..

Nothing says holidays like a cheese log. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

And speaking of Christmas desserts: Fruitcake!

Who in their right mind wants to
eat something that looks like this?

Fruit cake is easily the most despised dessert in the existence of baking. It's dense, overly sweet, and surprisingly heavy for its size. Sure, some people like this seasonal baked good, but we question there sanity.

• We loath the fluorescent candied fruit pieces, which resemble something that might be radioactive.
• We abhor fruit cake's pockmarked and diseased appearance. Does anyone believe this is festive and appetizing?

Fruit cake is called "cake" but this is misleading. No self-respecting cake would ever be this dense. A door stop is a better descriptor -- and what we think most people use this seasonal baked good for.

Why is it so bad?? Our best guess is because it's aged. That's right, fruit cake is aged. Aging is a great idea for wine, but clearly a terrible one when it comes to cake. Aged cakes are usually referred to as stale.

As a culture, we need to get together, confabulate, and come to the realization that normal people do not like fruitcake.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~Johnny Carson

To be continued next week, when we cover the more visual manifestations of the yule tide season.

Sarah Lin
Executive Secretary
for Public Affairs
Bureau of Holiday Affair

As the Bureau's Executive Secretary for Public Affairs, Sarah wishes to remind everyone that she is available to serve as Grand Marshall of anyone's holiday parade (or at least ride on the float).

She has been practicing her parade wave in the mirror.

Inquiries may be emailed to dog.princess@hohoho.gov