The Bureau of Holiday Affairs (Part 1)

When I was a kid, the Christmas season did not begin until after Thanksgiving.


"I love a parade"

As kids we would watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (after which grandmother usually had dinner ready and we would all go in to eat). We delighted watching the parade, enjoying the variety of floats, marching band, and assorted giant cartoon character balloons. And the last float, signaling the end of the parade, was Santa Claus, heralding the beginning of the Christmas season.

Now days, we are lucky if they wait until after Halloween.

The Christmas season is becoming like a cancerous growth, expanding and trying to devour everything in it's path. We need to stop it, before it spreads any further.

I am not trying to be grinchy.

Don't get me wrong. I like Christmas as much as the next person. But there needs to be some limits before it gets out of hand, if it hasn't already.

Freedom and I stayed up one night, discussing the fact that the stores were already dragging out Christmas stuff, and Halloween wasn't over. No Thanksgiving displays. It is as if we go straight from Halloween to Christmas. My dogs were concerned that they might just decide to do away with Thanksgiving.

And let me assure you that my dogs do enjoy Thanksgiving. Any holiday with copious amounts of food is tops in their book.

They decided that something must be done, soon, before Thanksgiving becomes history.

Before it get out of hand!

I figured that our web address would
be www.doha.gov, but the dogs like
www.hohoho.gov so I got outvoted.

What we came up with is what we decided to call the Bureau of Holiday Affairs. Although we officially cover all holidays, we are primarily concerned with Christmastime, as that is the one that most needs to be placed under control.

The dogs decided that I should be the Director of the Bureau, because I took political science and law classes in college. My staff, so far is just my three little dogs:

• Freedom is the Deputy Director of the Bureau
• Sarah originally wanted to be the Bureau Princess, but after I explained that the U.S.Government does not have "princesses," she decided on Executive Secretary for Public Affairs, hoping that she will be invited to be the Grand Marshall of some of the holiday parades (or at least get to ride on one of the floats - she has been practicing her parade wave in the mirror).
• Macky Rae is the Associate Deputy Director (with the understanding that if Sarah gets to ride on a parade float, he does too). He is also our webmaster.

Freedom thinks we should be an independent governmental agency, but Sarah wants us to be under the Department of Health and Human Services. Macky thinks we should be part of the Postal Service.

He wasn't exactly clear as to why he thought this was a good idea.

But some of the "good ideas" we came up with are explained in this blog entry (below):

 

Defining the Holiday Season

Start of the Season:

I think the traditional "day after Thanksgiving" is an acceptable start date, although this would not work for Canadians (their Thanksgiving is in October) or other countries (who don't have Thanksgiving). So for the sake of compatibility with our Cannuck neighbors (and others), we should recognize December 1st as the start of the Season (although in the United States, it shall be lawful to begin the day after Thanksgiving - but no sooner!)

Merchants (and everyone else) will be prohibited from

• Playing Christmas Music
• Putting up Seasonal Displays
• Having Christmas Sales

until after the start of the Holiday Season. Anyone violating this rule will be subject to severe penalties, such as being

boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart.

(FYI - That's a direct "Scrooge" quote from Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol)

End of the Season:
My first thought was that the season should end New Years Day,  but there are those who also celebrate Epiphany/Three kings Day (January 6th). So what we decided was that the holiday season will officially end on January 15th. After this date

• All Seasonal music must stop.
• All decorations must be taken down. Including Christmas lights, and not just turned off, but taken down!!! If you are too lazy to take down Christmas lights from around your house, don't put them up.

Similar penalties apply for violations.

The Snowman Exception

Snow is an integral part of the holiday season. Because it is unlikely that mother nature will cooperate with us and remain within our guidelines, we may expect snow before, and after, our defined season. An exception to the start and end dates are Snowmen (or if you prefer, snowpeople). Therefore, snowmen may be constructed whenever there is sufficient snow on the ground, and may remain after the holiday season (weather permitting).

In other words, you can keep your snowman after the 15th, until warmer winds melt him away.

This only applies to real snowmen. Artificial and plastic inflatable snowmen must be removed by the 15th.

This exception also applies to other snow constructs (snow forts, snow art, etc).

However, a few snowman guidelines:

• Holiday specific apparel and accessories (e.g. "Santa" hats) will need to be removed after the 15th.
• Snowmen may not have "equipment" - the carrot goes on the face! 
• Snowwomen may have breasts, but they are required in good taste.
• Likewise snow sculptures must also be in "good taste."
• The number of snowmen is limited to the number of real persons living at the residence.

 

Music

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MACKY: Dad, I have a question about Santa.

ME: What's that?

MACKY: Is it true that "he sees you when you're sleeping?"

ME: That's right.

MACKY:  And "He knows when you're awake?"

ME: And "he knows if you've been bad or good."

FREEDOM: So be good!

SARAH: Oh, for goodness sake!  You guys are stupid.

MACKY: Dad, don't you find that a little creepy?

ME: I hadn't thought about it before.

FREEDOM: Maybe Santa should be working for the Department of Homeland Security.

SARAH: Yeah, then maybe it wouldn't have taken them 10 years to find Bin Laden. 

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You know that Christmas has shifted into full gear by the sudden deluge of holiday music that emanates from virtually ever merchant and office.

No other season comes near the level of musical intensity as does the yuletide season.

• Nobody goes out Easter carolling
• Store do not play Halloween music none stop in order to sell more fun-sized candy.
• I've yet to see a display of Patriotic Albums at Wal*Mart (or anywhere else) on the 4th of July, or any other patriotic holiday and I know there are enough patriotic songs to make several albums, because I marched to them when I was in the Air Force!

So, as to not overwhelm the population with an overload of carols, we (the Bureau) impose the following rules regarding Holiday music:

1. Stores and businesses that play Christmas songs must post a  warning sign (clearly noticeable) at all entrances indicating that they are playing Christmas music. That way, people who do not wish to hear them are forewarned and do not accidental walk into a store and get blasted with carols.

2. Holiday tunes may not be played consecutively. After playing a Christmas song, two non-Christmas song must be played before another Christmas song is played.

An exception to this would be music stores. Because they are selling music, they will be allowed to play music on a one for one ratio - in other words after playing a Christmas song, they are only required to play one non-Christmas song before playing another Christmas song.

But this is only for actual music stores. Businesses that are trying to sell CDs as a sideline (such as Starbucks) will not be allowed this exception.

In fact, I think they should be put on a four to one ratio!

The bureau is currently drafting a legal definition of what is, and what is not, a music store.

"I'm Dreaming of a
White Christmas"

3. A particular Christmas song may only be played once in a three hour period, and this includes variation by other artists.

In other words, if you play Bing Crosby's White Christmas, you can't play White Christmas again for three hours, even if it only Dean Martin's version. (Sorry Dino, rules are rules.)

4. Christmas music may not exceed 35 decibels (retail stores) or 25 decibels (business office).

For our purposes, Holiday music will be divided into three groups:





On December 26th, "Santa is not

coming to town," he is resting

and making plans for his annual

vacation with Mrs Claus.

• Santa Songs - Songs about Santa Claus and other secular aspects of Christmas, such as Santa Claus is Coming to Town and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer.
• Religious Songs - Song's of a more religious nature, such as Silent Night and Oh Little Town of Bethlehem
• Winter Songs - these are the songs primarily about the wintertime, snow, cold, etc. such as Jingle Bells and Winter Wonderland.

No Holiday music may be played before the start of the Season. 



Santa Songs and Religious Song may only be played until Christmas. The reason for this is that playing song like Santa Claus is Coming to Town after Christmas does not make sense.

Some exceptions will be made: Because Three kings Day in January 6th, songs such as We Three Kings and other songs about the wise men may be played until then.

Gaspar, Balthazar, and Melchior

"Baby, it's cold outside"

One of my favorite seasonal songs is
Baby, It's Cold Outside. It's a duet, with
the woman insisting that she needs to
go home, and the man trying to get her
to stay the night, using the bad weather
as an excuse.

I like this song.

Winter Songs may be played up until the 15th.



These rules will not apply to radio stations (and other media), as these are governed by the FCC. So, if one of the local stations decides to broadcast Holiday music 24/7, for the most part we are OK with that.

Actually, we are not OK with it, but as the FCC governs  media, we will half to deal with it.

We are considering a letter to the head of the FCC, to see if we can get him to get onboard with us regarding holiday music control.

However, local merchants will be prohibited from playing these stations unless they (the stations) conform to our music guidelines (above).

We are currently drafting a letter to the FCC advising them of our ruling.

Two or three seasons ago, I attempted to find refuge from the constant barrage of yuletide tunes by driving to the other side of town, all the way to Goldberg's Kosher Deli. You'd think one would be safe at a Jewish deli, right? Wrong! As I entered the deli, anticipating a pastrami on rye, I was greeted by the symphonic sounds of Silent Night (performed by the Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir).  Besides, as Rueben will explain, the only Holiday song that they have for Hanukkah is the Dreidel Song. ME: Reuben! What's with the music? REUBEN: What's wrong with the music? ME: It's Christmas music! REUBEN: So? It is Christmas time. ME: But you're Jewish! REUBEN: So was Jesus. (Good point) REUBEN: I need to please my gentile customers. ME: You didn't play them last year. REUBEN: My Golda wasn't married to a gentile last year.

Bell Ringers:
Another herald of the holiday season are the Bell Ringers, usually collecting donations from the Salvation Army (or some other group).

I realize it is for charity, and they want to go out while people (theoretically) have the spirit of giving in their hearts. But lets face it, Bell Ringers are annoying.

Therefore the following rules apply to all Bell Ringers:

• Only six (6) dings per minute.
• Bell Ringers must remain at least 25 feet away from all store entrances and exits.
• Bell Ringers may not block the flow of pedestrian traffic on sidewalks
• Bell Ringers must stay out of the street and/or parking lots.
• Stay away from the corners of busy intersections.
• Bell Ringers may not come any nearer than 100 feet from an outdoor cafe/coffee shop.
• Bell Ringers may not come any nearer than 250 feet from my outdoor coffee shop.

And if music is played in conjunction with collecting, refer to our music rules (above).

Ringtones: We are not going to prohibit holiday ringtones, or place any restrictions on them. Feel free to select your favorite Christmas song. Just remember: when you are out in public set your phone to vibrate.

Carolling: 
There is something about the holiday season that makes some people gather together and venture out into the cold (and the snow) in order to spread good cheer throughout the neighborhood by standing out on the lawn and singing Christmas Carols.

Which is nice, except that they are (more or less) the same carols that we are inundated with all day, thanks to the local merchants.

I am not going to impose any rules on Carollers and Carolling, freedom of speech and expression, freedom of assembly, and all that. I am going to "suggest" a few "guidelines":

1. Limit the carols to a maximum of two song for each house visited.
2. If you just visited the house next door, you can't sing those song again.
3. All members of the carolling party should know how to sing.
4. No carolling after 9:30pm.
5. If you carol at my house, please do not act surprise when I douse everyone with a pitcher of water.

 Bah Humbug I had a rather unusual carolling experience last Christmas. I was sitting at home, reading a magazine when someone knocked on me door. It was around 8:30-8:45 or so, before 9:30 - as a rule, I don't welcome visitors later than that. There are very few reasons I will accept for knocking after 9:30pm: You are there to tell me the building is on fire, and that we (me and my dogs) need to evacuate for reasons of safety. You are there to tell me I won the lottery - but only if it is more than $50,000. Anything less than that can wait until the morning. And by "morning" I mean after 9am, and after I have had my coffee. You are female, attractive, and planning to spend the night. You are female, less than attractive, and holding a bottle of Irish whiskey (and planning to stay the night). But as I said, 8:30/8:45, someone was knocking at the door. Actually, it was not so much knocking, it was more of a tapping...                                                                            ... a tapping, As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. " 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door; Only this, and nothing more." So I got up to see who was tapping. I open the door, and at first I didn't see anyone, but then I looked down and saw my three dogs, which surprised me because I  thought they were asleep in the bedroom. I was also surprised because they were (for lack of a better word) "decorated." Decorated, as in Sarah had ribbon wound around her neck, Freedom looked like he had rolled in tinsel, and Macky Rae was wrapped up in Christmas lights and plugged into an outside outlet. ME: What, may I ask, are you doing? A logical question when your dogs appear at the front door donned in gay apparel.   "Here we come a waffling..." MACKY: We are waffling! FREEDOM: He means wassailing. MACKY: That is what I said. ME: You're wassailing? MACKY: Yeah! Want to hear us waffle? ME: Yeah, sure. The dogs then proceeded to (for lack of a better word) serenade me with their rendition of a Christmas carol, and it wasn't all that bad - even with Macky Rae singing off key. We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, And a Happy New Year! Good tidings we bring for you and your kin; We wish you a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Now bring us some figgy pudding, Now bring us some figgy pudding, Now bring us some figgy pudding, And a cup of good cheer! At this point,  I noticed some of the neighbors starting to peek out their windows, so I figured I'd better get the dogs inside before police were called. We were already on the neighborhood "naughty list" as a result of a recent incident involving one of my dogs and a neighbor's cat. So I unplugged Macky from the outlet, and herded them back into the house. I sat back down, intending to finish my magazine when I notice all three dogs where staring me. Figgy pudding is desert containing figs that dates back to 16th century England. If you are interested, there is a recipe on the wikibooks website.  ME: What's wrong? SARAH: We are waiting for the figgy pudding. ME: Figgy pudding? SARAH: Yeah. You're suppose to bring us some. FREEDOM: It's part of the song. MACKY: And we won't go until we get some! ME: I don't even know what it is. SARAH: It's a Christmas dessert. MACKY: And we won't go until we get some! ME: I don't have any. The dogs suddenly looked distressed. They had selected a song that (they thought) would result in a treat, but had failed to consider the possibility that I didn't have the required figgy pudding. Their plan had gone awry. ME: I got some beef jerky. The dogs confabulated for a moment, then decided that beef jerky would be an acceptable substitute for figgy pudding. Another crisis resolved..

Nothing says holidays like a cheese log. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

And speaking of Christmas desserts: Fruitcake!

Who in their right mind wants to
eat something that looks like this?

Fruit cake is easily the most despised dessert in the existence of baking. It's dense, overly sweet, and surprisingly heavy for its size. Sure, some people like this seasonal baked good, but we question there sanity.

• We loath the fluorescent candied fruit pieces, which resemble something that might be radioactive.
• We abhor fruit cake's pockmarked and diseased appearance. Does anyone believe this is festive and appetizing?

Fruit cake is called "cake" but this is misleading. No self-respecting cake would ever be this dense. A door stop is a better descriptor -- and what we think most people use this seasonal baked good for.

Why is it so bad?? Our best guess is because it's aged. That's right, fruit cake is aged. Aging is a great idea for wine, but clearly a terrible one when it comes to cake. Aged cakes are usually referred to as stale.

As a culture, we need to get together, confabulate, and come to the realization that normal people do not like fruitcake.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~Johnny Carson

To be continued next week, when we cover the more visual manifestations of the yule tide season.

Sarah Lin
Executive Secretary
for Public Affairs
Bureau of Holiday Affair

As the Bureau's Executive Secretary for Public Affairs, Sarah wishes to remind everyone that she is available to serve as Grand Marshall of anyone's holiday parade (or at least ride on the float).

She has been practicing her parade wave in the mirror.

Inquiries may be emailed to dog.princess@hohoho.gov

Geneology (part 2): Samuel "Chet" Barnes (1828-1903)

This entry is being published a day late. The reason is that I often make notes (in a notebook), and then organize them into a comprehensible story, and then post them to the blog. The problem is that I still have two of Sarah's pups, and without thinking I left the notebook on my chair when I left to go shopping, and when I returned, the pups had destroyed my manuscript.

That's right, my dogs ate my homework.

Samuel "Chet" Barnes (1828-1903)

Our family name was anglicized

from a Gaelic name that roughly

translates as "My, there are a lot

of black sheep in our family."

Like most families, mine has a few skeletons in the closet. Perhaps it's just the fact that our family history goes back a few hundred years, but it seems to me that there are (were) a higher proportion of derelicts in our family than other families. Or maybe it's just that one is more aware of what goes on in one's own family than  one does about others.

A lot of the information I have comes from oral traditions (that is, the stories told by the older members of the family at gatherings about family members that have shuffled off their mortal coils).

I have a cousin who got interested in genealogy and traced our family back several generations. If you have illusions of having descended from illustrious ancestry, genealogy is probably something you don't want to look into. Horse thieves and other ne'er-do-wells are more likely to appear than princes and potentates. And that's more or less what my cousin discovered.

One of  the family's "black sheep" in the 19th century was Samuel "Chet" Barnes. There was little about "Chet" that was remarkable, including his academical record. He graduated last in his graduating class, ranking below a fellow classmate who died of cholera a month before graduation. He scored poorly on his SATs, and the only college that would admit him was the Hoboken Community College (and even then they required an "endowment" from his father.) He studied bookkeeping, graduating in 1846 with a 2.9 GPA.

Which meant that if you were to ask "Chet" an accounting question, there was only a 72% chance that he knew the right answer.

After graduation "Chet" was hired by the accounting firm of Dewar, Jore, and MacMinn (they owed the family a few favors) and thus found himself gainfully employed. This lasted about two years, until "the problem" was discovered.

During the middle of the 19th century, many Americans were discovering a new card game that was becoming popular in the United States. The games was called Poker. Many gentlemen were becoming adherents of the game, amongst them was "Chet" - which wasn't "the problem." Nor was "the problem" that "Chet" played at every opportunity.

"The problem" was that he wasn't good at it.

In fact, he "wasn't good at it" to the rate of $76.92 per week, which wouldn't has been that much of a problem, except "Chet" only earned $72 per month. He began to accumulate a substantial debt (numerous IOUs to various gamblers and gangsters), and by the time the family discovered "Chet's" compulsion, he had been at it for over two years and had accumulated a debt of over $10,000 - which was a substantial amount in 1850.

Hell, it's a substantial amount these days.

In order to continue playing, "Chet" had signed markers, and several of them had come due (with interest) and several unsavory gentlemen wanted their money, and they wanted it immediately. Or they wanted "Chet" so they could extract a pound or two of flesh.

So, the family held a family meeting, and decided the best thing to do was to get "Chet" out of the country, preferably as far away as possible, preferably to somewhere in which Poker was unknown.

The family had contributed a substantial amount of money to the the 1848 campaign of Zachary Taylor, and so decided to cash in a chip (pun intended). A telegraph was sent to the President requesting a meeting, and a reply was received indicating the he (Taylor) was grateful for the campaign contribution and would be willing to meet with family members at the White House to discuss a possible remedy to the "Chet" dilemma. So a delegation of the family members boarded a train and arrived in Washington D.C. on July 10th, 1850.

However, Taylor died July 9th.

However, Millard Fillmore, Taylor's Vice-President who succeeded him as President was also aware of the family's campaign contributions (and was also grateful), and so met with the family delegation on July 12th. Fillmore was sympathetic to the family's situation, having a "black sheep" cousin himself. Fillmore referred the matter to then Secretary of State John Clayton, who it turned out had several "black sheep" family members. Clayton arranged an appointment for "Chet" to work at the American Consulate in Shanghai, China.

The family was most grateful.

On September 2nd, 1850, "Chet" boarded (some say forcefully) the M.S.Spitz, a somewhat aging Clipper ship bound for Shanghai via Rio de Janeiro, Cape Town, Bombay, Singapore, and Manilla. The ship averaged about 6 knots (about 7 mph).

Yes, "Chet" was placed on a slow boat to China.

"Chet" arrived in Shanghai February 10th, 1851. After meeting (briefly) with the Consul General (Clayton Middleton III) he has turned over to the consul's executive assistant, who assigned "Chet" the job of "cultural liaison," which meant going to meeting and other events at the other international consulates.

The ones that the Consul General didn't want to go to himself.

One such event was the 40th wedding anniversary of Sir Commodore James R. L. Chatham-Smythe (British Naval Liaison) and his lovely wife Elizabeth, held at their residence that overlooked Taihi Lake. It was here that "Chet" met General Jiang, Military attache from the Imperial Chinese Army to the British Delegation in Shanghai. Jiang was talking with George Baldwin (British Banking) regarding the "new American game of Poker" that was becoming popular in Shanghai (and elsewhere in the Orient).

"Chet" quickly introduced himself, and soon he and General Jiang were involved in a lengthy conversation on the merits of poker. Jiang told "Chet" that he, along with a few other Chinese potentates, had a weekly "friendly" poker game. He explained it was a "small stakes" game, and perhaps "Chet" would like to join them.

"Chet" accepted.

The game was held the following Thursday in a private room upstairs above Madame Wang's Tea House (and Gift Shop). Because Jiang was the only member of the potentate poker group that spoke English, "Chet" arrived with Mister Wu, his translator and personal assistant/valet. Other members of the potentate poker group were:

• Chen Weising, Deputy Minister of Agriculture,
• Fu Zhouzhang, Lieutenant Governor of Pungchow Province,
• Xing Yinhang, president of the First National Bank of the Orient,
• and Zhang Chengshì, Mayor of Shanghai.

Tea was served, and "Chet" was issued $1000 worth of poker chips. "Small stakes" has a different meaning to wealthy oriental autocrats than it does to a low level member of the embassy staff, and "Chet" soon found himself involved in a game of poker that was  higher staked than he originally thought, and the first $1000 was lost in about 45 minutes.

I mentioned "Chet' wasn't good at playing poker?

He "wasn't good" at the rate of of $13 per minute,  and he soon found himself down $2500.

His salary at the consulate was $115 per month. 

You can see where this was not good. 

The climax of the game came towards the end of the evening when a particular pot grew, and grew. The potentates were betting, and raising, in a rapid flurry of Chinese

Ah min! Ah jie! Ah zhong! Ah mao! Ah gou!

"Chet" was dealt four cards to a straight, so he stayed in, matching bets and raises despite the odds of drawing to an inside straight are 47 to 1.

As I said, "Chet" was not good at Poker. 

 Finally, bets were equalized. The pot had reached almost $5000 ($800 of it put in by our "hero"). Cards were drawn and "Chet" asked for one. Betting started up again

Ah tiao! Ah le! Ah lan! Ah duo! Ah huli!

"Chet" picked up his card and looked at it. Of course, it was not the carded he needed. 

Oh, @#$%!!! he thought.

Except he didn't didn't just think it. He said it. Out loud. 

The room suddenly became completely quite. "Chet" looked up and found five pairs of   eyes staring at him. At first he didn't understand what was going on, then he realized what he had said. Then a cold chill ran down his spine.

Oh, @#$%!!! he though. I have just insulted the potentates! I have just created an international incident.

Suddenly, all five of the Chinese dignitaries began talking at once, very fast. "Chet" was certain the worst had indeed occurred. But then Fu Zhouzhang (Lieutenant Governor of Pungchow Province) began to push the pile of chips towards "Chet."

Mr Wu ("Chet's" translator and personal assistant) leaned forward and examined his hand.

"Well played, honorable sir." Wu said. "Your one million dollar bluff was excellently played."

The Supreme Being vs The Supreme Court

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Warning: Although this blog entry is not one of the Bible as Comedy series, it does contains material that might be considered offensive to narrow minded Christian fanatics (NMCFs). If you are a NMCF you might want to skip this and maybe go to a  non-offensive website.

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Still here? Good!

My Uncle Theo was, for many years, a member of his local school board. Back in the 1980s, one of the controversies was images of the 10 commandments being displayed in public schools. The Supreme Court ruled that it violated separation of church and state and thus they needed to be removed.



Uncle Theo was a good God-fearing christian. The only thing he feared more that God was my Aunt Claire. So when the chairman of the school board announced that all that the 10 commandments were to be removed, he objected.

THEO: Who's bright idea was that?

CHAIRMAN: The Supreme Court.

THEO: So why do we need to take them down?

CHAIRMAN: They might be considered offensive.

THEO: To who? Everyone in this town is Methodists.

Agnes Dalrymple,
recording secretary for
the school board.

AGNES DALRYMPLE : Not everyone. The Cohens are Jewish.

THEO: Jews are where the 10 commandments came from! Seriously, who are we offending? There aren't any Buddhist in our town.

CHAIRMAN: It don't matter. The commandments must come down.

THEO: That's ridiculous. Next thing you know they will be telling us no praying in the class rooms.

JASPER WOODWICK: Well, actually...

THEO: Don't say it!

CHAIRMAN: Next item on the agenda: Theft has increased in the high-school. Any suggestions on a remedy?

THEO: Maybe we could put up signs in the hallways that say Thou shall not steal?

The Ten Commandments, also known as the Decalogue, are a set of biblical principles relating to ethics and worship, which play a fundamental role in Judaism and Christianity. They include instructions to worship only God and to keep the sabbath, and prohibitions against idolatry, blasphemy, murder, theft, dishonesty, and adultery. Different groups follow slightly different traditions for interpreting and numbering them. According to the story in Exodus, God inscribed them on two stone tablets, which he gave to Moses on Mount Sinai.

Moses was, according to the Bible a religious leader, lawgiver, and prophet (the most important prophet in Judaism), to whom the authorship of the Torah is traditionally attributed. He is also an important prophet in Christianity and Islam, as well as a number of other faiths.

According to the Book of Exodus, Moses was born in a time when his people, the Children of Israel, were increasing in numbers and the Egyptian Pharaoh was worried that they might help Egypt's enemies. Moses' Hebrew mother, Jochebed, hid him when the Pharaoh ordered all newborn Hebrew boys to be killed, and the child was adopted as a foundling by the Egyptian royal family. After killing an Egyptian slavemaster, Moses fled across the Red Sea to Midian, where he encountered the God of Israel in the form of a "burning bush".

God sent Moses back to Egypt to request the release of the Israelites. After the Ten Plagues, Moses led the Exodus of the Israelites out of Egypt and across the Red Sea, after which they based themselves at Mount Sinai, where Moses received the Ten Commandments. After 40 years of wandering in the desert, Moses died within sight of the Promised Land.

SARAH: 40 years? ME: That's what the Bible says. SARAH: That's ridiculous! Macky Rae, how far is it from Cairo to Jerusalem? MACKY RAE: How should I know? SARAH: Look it up on Google. MACKY RAE: 265 miles. SARAH: See? Seriously, Dad. They could have driven there in less than 5 hours. FREEDOM: They didn't have cars back then. They had to walk. SARAH: Forty years to walk 265 miles? FREEDOM: Maybe they stopped for lunch. MACKY RAE: Or for a potty break. SARAH: For 40 years? FREEDOM: That is one long potty break. According to our calculations, the Israelites average 6.625 miles a year. SARAH: You know what I think? I think he got lost. Guys are always getting lost and messing stuff up. ME: That's not true. SARAH: It is too. Just like our vacation last year. ME: What was wrong with our vacation? I thought you liked the beach. SARAH: We were suppose to be going to Yellowstone Park so Macky could see the bears! MACKY RAE: I didn't see any bears at the beach. SARAH: The reason we went to the beach is the same reason Moses took 40 years to reach the promised land: men will not stop and ask for directions!

Moses did many amazing things such as:

• Talked to God
• Brought 10 plagues down on the Pharaoh
• Freed the Israelites from slavery
• Parted the Red Sea
• And unparted it on the Egyptian army which, according to Macky Rae, is the most awesomest part of the movie
• Received the Ten Commandments from God
• Led "God's Chosen People" to the Promised Land (Although Sarah doesn't think this is as amazing as everyone else does)

---

MACKY: And he turned water into wine!

FREEDOM: That was Jesus

MACKY: Oh, yeah. But I bet he could have if he wanted too.

---

But Moses never went up
against the Supreme Court.

Moses did many amazing, miraculous things,
but he never went up against the Supreme Court.

There are many people who believe the ten commandments are the basis for our laws and legal system, but this is incorrect. They will tell you this, citing the fact that all our founding fathers were all Christians, but this proves nothing except the saying that even if a million people say something, it is still wrong.

OK, smartie. Where did our legal system come from?

If you may recall, we were originally British colonists, and therefore used the British legal system. When we revolted, we used the existing (British) legal system, with a few modifications.

Yeah? So they based their legal system on the ten commandments. After all, the British were Christians as well. 

Not originally. If you remember from history class, Britain was invaded in the 5th century by Angles, Saxons, and a variety of other pagans who brought there legal system with them from Germany. Thus, the foundations of our legal system are not biblically based, but rather based on the legal system of heathens!



Taken as a whole (and derived from a religious text) the ten commandments are unconstitutional (the violate separation of church and state). But how would each commandment stand by themselves? If each of them, one by one on their own merits, where reviewed by the nine honorable justices of the Supreme Court?

Congress shall make no law
respecting an establishment
of religion, or prohibiting the
free exercise thereof; or
abridging the freedom of speech,
or of the press; or the right of the
people peaceably to assemble, and
to petition the Government for a
redress of grievances.
- 1st Amendment, U.S. Constitution

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion (Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof).


2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion (see above). 


3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion (partially) and Freedom of Speech (kind of). Although profanity is considered free speech, you can't yell @#$%!!! in a crowded theater.


4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion. Blue laws were once common in the United States. The Supreme Court have held blue laws as constitutional numerous times due to secular reason even though the origin of the blue laws were for religious purposes. But strictly for religious reasons, it would be held unconstitutional.


5. Honour thy father and thy mother - upheld (I think). This one is iffy, but if such a law was passed, I can't think of a constitution ground for it being overturned, except (maybe) freedom of speech.


6. Thou shalt not kill - upheld


7. Thou shalt not commit adultery - upheld. Adultery is a criminal offense in 23 states.


8. Thou shalt not steal - upheld


9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour - upheld. Perjury ("false witnessing" in a court of law) is illegal in all jurisdictions within the United States.


10. Thou shalt not covet - upheld. Conspiracy to deprive your neighbor's house, wife, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour's is a crime.

As a whole, in addition to being unconstitutional on religious grounds, the ten commandments would have no legal standing as neither God nor Moses are/were elected officials.

In fact, neither could hold political office in the United States as neither are citizens of this country.

Joshua Ben Joseph

vs

The National Bible Publishing Company

Ever noticed the copyright notice in the front of the Bible? Unless yours is a King James version, there will be a notice like

Copyright © 2013 National Bible Publishing Co (all rights reserved)

followed by a warning that explains what happens if you violate the copyright. But how can someone copyright the Bible? They can't. What is copyrighted is the translation.


Other countries have similar laws,
and most countries worldwide adhere
to the Berne Convention regarding
intellectual property rights.

In the United States, books and other material are automatically copyrighted when they are created, giving the creator exclusive rights to the work for his entire life, plus 70 years, after which it becomes "public domain" and can be freely copied without anyone having to pay royalties (such as with the King James version).

Key words: "life, plus 70 years."

See where I am going with this?

Christianity has become a very popular religion in the past 2000 years. In the United States, over 85% of the population claims to believe in Christianity (although you sometimes wonder considering the overall behavior of Americans). Worldwide, over 2 billion people adhere to one form of Christianity or another, all of them unified in the belief that Jesus is the living, breathing Son of God.

Now do you see where I'm going with this?

If the Son of God is still alive, then his rights to the Bible are still valid. In other words, the Bible is not public domain.

God has blessed us with an abundance of many things in this country, and one of them is lawyers. All it would take is one lawyer to file a claim in court, suing the The National Bible Publishing Company (et al.) on behalf of the Savior over back royalties, and the next think you know we have a major law suit.

Don't think it would work?

Keep in mind that (usually) a case is not decided by the judge, but a jury of people who are (usually) neither judges, lawyers, or members of the legal profession. If a lawyer were to file such a lawsuit in the bible belt, it wouldn't be that hard to find 12 people who believe that the Son of God is alive and well, and entitled to back royalties.

In fact, in the bible belt, it would hard to find 12 that didn't.

Most of the clipart courtesy of  Phillip Martin.