As Christmas went into full gear, Macky Rae (my youngest dog) got all excited with anticipation, not only for the eventual arrival of St Nick on Christmas Eve, but the arrival of Christmas specials.
Last Christmas, Macky was practically glued to the television, watching all the Christmas cartoons, stop-animations, and variety show. In the afternoons, when he wasn't going through the TV Guide to determine what was being shown that evening, he was wandering around the house singing songs he learned from the previous evening's specials.
He could even do the Peanuts dance.
This year, however, was not as joyous as last year.
MACKY: I am not happy.
ME: What's wrong? I thought you were watching Christmas specials.
MACKY: I was, but they were the same ones I watched last year.
ME: They are, huh?
MACKY: Yeah. Same stupid Rudolph, same stupid Frosty, same stupid Drummer boy.
ME: No new ones?
MACKY: Nope.
ME: Must be the economy.
Macky logs onto his computer
ME: Going to play your ZombieLand™ game?
MACKY: No. I am going to Hulu.com and see if I can find some of the Christmas specials you watched as a kid
I didn't have the heart to tell him.
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Email your application to:
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The
Bureau of Holiday Affairs will probably be unable to get Macky new Christmas specials, but we will deal with some of the
visual manifestations of the holidays:
Lights and Decorations.
As if the the torrent of carols wasn't enough, we are overwhelmed by an assortment of lights, wreaths, trees, and other decorations. A virtual cacophony of colors that, up until now, has gone unchecked.
Outdoor Residential Decorations
I once had a neighbor who was either overflowing with Christmas spirit, or just had a lot of time on his hands. Maybe both. Every year, the front of his house was transformed into what could best be described as collision of holiday themes. It appeared that he had purchased every holiday lawn decoration available at Home Depot.
Well, not every available decoration, but that was probably only because he ran out of room in his yard.
Let me give you a description: The center piece, in the middle of the yard, was Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus in a manger, illuminated by two mini outdoor floodlights. To the right, near the fence that separated their yard with the Ferguson's, were three Wise Men and a camel. To the left, two shepherds and a sheep. And a plastic snowman.
I remember shepherds in the Bible, and Wise Men, but I don't remember any snowmen.
On the garage, just above the basketball hoop, was the Star of Bethlehem.
On the rooftop was Santa and four tiny reindeer.
Yes, only four. I guess that was all the room that was available. The other four may have been in the back yard, grazing or something. I didn't look to see.
Then there was the lights. Multi-colored lights were strung up everywhere! Around the windows, along the edge of the roof, in the shrubbery, on both sides of the walkway leading to the front door, around the front door - everywhere that there could be lights, there were.
The luminescence was of such intensity that it actually washed out the street lamp!
Although this is more of an extreme example, it shows the extremes that some holiday fanatics will go to, and demonstrates that there is, indeed, a need for Bureau guidelines.
To those that want to decorate their house and/or yard, the Bureau offers the following advice: Moderation.
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Themes: Please limit your yard to one theme. Multiple themes are confusing, often cluttered, and bordering on trashy.
In other words: If you do a Nativity scene (for example) keep Santa off the roof.
Power consumption: The total power consumption for any Christmas display may not exceed 10% of the average monthly electric bill. Luminosity may not exceed that of the street lamp.
 | Decorative Deer Outdoor Lights:
These things are just freaky, especially the mechanical ones that move their heads. It like something out of science fiction, a deer/terminator or something.
There is one of these down the street from us. The dogs do not like it. They bark at it when the head move.
We have decided to ban these, so if you have one in your yard, please remove it immediately. |
Giant Inflatable Outdoor Decorations: Does anyone really need a ginormous reindeer on their front lawn?
Do your neighbors want one in their neighborhood? Probably not.
My main problem with inflatable decorations is when they are uninflated. I went past a house that had a ginormous Santa Claus that had deflated.
It looked like Santa had gone on a bender, and had passed out in the front yard. Seriously, this is not a happy image.
Nearby was a deflated ginormous snowman. It looked like Frosty had melted, which was weird because it was 15°F out.
I don't want to see a deflated deer.
Indoor Holiday Decorations: The Bureau will make no rules or guidelines. What you do inside your home is your business. Unless it can be seen from the outside, in which case you must either keep your curtains closed, or comply with the Bureau's decorations guidelines.
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And show a little respect.
Is this what we want small
children to see?
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ME: What are you watching?
MACKY: Funky Skunky's Stinky Christmas.
ME: Is it any good?
MACKY: It stinks.
ME: Then why are you watching it?
MACKY: Because it's the only new Christmas special this year.
Snowmen: We cover snowmen (and other snow constructions) in
Bureau, Part 1, but since snowmen may be part of yard decorations, we will cover it again. Snowmen (real ones) are not restricted to the Holiday Season (Dec 1st - Jan 15th), but are required to remain in the following guidelines:
- The number of snowmen is limited to the number of real persons living at the residence.
- Holiday specific apparel and accessories (e.g. "Santa" hats) will need to be removed after the 15th.
- Snowmen may not have "equipment" - the carrot goes on the face!
- Snowwomen may have breasts, but they are required in good taste.
- Likewise snow sculptures must also be in "good taste."
Snowmen may be built and placed in the yard, even if another holiday theme has been displayed. But please, do not include snowmen in your nativity scenes.
Commercial Decorations
The worst offenders of excessive decorating are businesses. In there quest to obtain as much money as the can during the yuletide, they overwhelm us us with a plethora of decor that, hopefully, will interfere with our good senses and cause us to spend more than we should on gifts and other Christmas paraphernalia.
To those businesses that want to decorate their establishments, the Bureau offers the following advice: Moderation.
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The Bureau is mandating that external displays con exceed 15% of the storefront, and that they adhere to similar guidelines as for residential displays. In other words: moderation.
Inside, well.. Try to be moderate. The Bureau realizes 'Tis the Season, but don't slap everyone in the face with it.
And ease back on the pine (and other holiday) scent. Have some consideration for those people with allergies!
The Bureau of Holiday Affairs has drafted a letter to the Department of Labor recommending legislation to prevent employers from forcing their employees to wear Christmas decorations as a condition of employment.
It's bad enough they are only making minimum wage. Must we humiliate them by forcing them to wear reindeer antlers?
Fashion
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| This is over doing it. |
There is something about the holiday season that causes some people to brighten up there wardrobe and begin wearing Christmassy
To those who wish to "don their gay apparel", the Bureau offers the following advice: Moderation.
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Christmas sweaters, and other seasonal apparel, will be governed more or less under the same guidelines and principles and other decorations. At this time, we will not make and/or enforce any rules or regulations. Everyone is on their honor, and if it appears that this is being abused, we will lay the smack down and write up some rules.
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| Christmas Hats: Please wear these sparingly. They look stupid, even if you are an elf. |
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Where are the Fashion Police
when you need them? |
And speaking of hats
Animal Hats: These are those warm weather hats that have cute animal faces.
Although they are not exactly holiday hats, they are frequently seen around the holiday (although that is because they are
winter hats and Christmas in a
winter holiday) and since they are frequently seen during the holidays the bureau is taking jurisdiction over then because, well..
Someone has to.
Therefore, the bureau is issuing the following statement regarding "Animal hats."
The look stupid.
Seriously. They are cute if you are two, stupid when you are twelve, and retarded when you are twenty.
Grown-ups
do not wear animals on there head!
SARAH: Dad, is there something our Bureau can do about the quality of Christmas specials shown on TV?
ME: Not really. Television is covered by the FCC. And then there are First Amendment issues.
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| Inappropriate! |
SARAH: Too bad. There are some things that don't need to be aired.
ME: Such as?
SARAH: The Miley Cyrus Christmas Special.
ME: Really?
SARAH: Some things are very inappropriate for the yuletide season.
ME: I'll call the FCC tomorrow.
SARAH: And call Billy Ray and tell him to make his daughter wear some decent clothing.
FREEDOM: Sarah! The Justin Bieber Christmas show is starting!
SARAH: OMG!
MACKY: He has his shirt off.
SARAH: Dad!
ME: I'll call first thing in the morning.
For now, that covers quite a bit, although as we go along, we will need to come up with more rules.
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Freedom Elisha
Deputy Director
Bureau of Holiday Affairs |
So with that, I would like to end with this thought: As we go through the Christmas season, everyone should remember that...
FREEDOM: Dad! You should come see this.
ME: I'm working on the blog.
As I was trying to say: As we go through the Christmas season, everyone should remember that...
FREEDOM: Dad you are missing it!
ME: Missing what?
FREEDOM: The Bikini Babes Gone Wild Christmas Special.
ME: Seriously?
SARAH: I can't believe they are going outside like that.
MACKY: Why? The got their snow boots on.
SARAH: And that's about all they have on.
ME: I'll be right there.
So, anyway, as I was saying...
I forgot.
Well, it couldn't have been that important. Merry Christmas!
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Sarah Lin
Executive Secretary
for Public Affairs
Bureau of Holiday Affair |
As the Bureau's
Executive Secretary for Public Affairs, Sarah wishes to remind everyone that she is available to serve as Grand Marshall of anyone's holiday parade (or at least ride on the float).
She has been practicing her parade wave in the mirror.
Inquiries may be emailed to dog.princess@hohoho.gov
MACKY: It might be a burglars.
MACKY: Dad was not happy with us.
