Cell Phones (and Recycling)

A phone (for those of you who do not know) is a communications device that permits two or more users to conduct a conversation when they are not in the same vicinity of each other to be heard directly. First patented in 1876 by Alexander Graham Bell and further developed by many others, the telephone was the first device in history that enabled people to talk directly with each other across large distances.

According to legend, The first words spoken over the phone where "Come here, Watson. I need you!" Watson was in another room when Bell spilled sulfuric acid on his clothes. Watson came rushing in, proclaiming that he had heard Bell's voice through the phone.

Ernestine (the Operator)

Now this is probably the official "edited" version. Sulfuric (battery) acid is wicked stuff, and it seems unlikely to me that Bell, or anyone, would remain that calm after dumping a cupful on his lap. If it was me, I'd have said something like "@#$%!!!" and Watson would have heard that without the phone. I'm guessing that later Bell and Watson sat down and "agreed" on another version, one that could be taught in grade-school history class.

The History of the Telephone in two-minute:

 



Old Style
Telephone

Ever seen one of these?

 

About a hundred years ago, this is what a phone looked like.

Except they were called "tele"-phones, way back then.

 

You had to click the receiver a few times, and then the operator would answer and ask you who wanted to talk to, and then she would connect you to who ever you were wanting to talk to. And you usually had to talk loudly, because telephones weren't all that great.

 

Rotary Dial Phone

Eventually some came up with the idea of phone numbers, and this lead to the invention of the rotary dial, and dialing. You didn't need an operator, all you did was dial up the number of the person you wanted to call. To do this, you put your finger on the hole with the appropriate number, and twirled the dial clockwise.

 

Push Dial Phone

Then we decided in the 1980s that it would be much faster (and easier) if we could just push the numbers we wanted. This led to the development of the push dial.

Switching from rotary to push button was controversial, and sparked much debate across the country (including congress). Traditionalist believed that phones should remain rotary (the way God intended) whereas progressives called the traditionalist bad names, and pointed out if they had there way, mankind would still be huddled in caves, communicating with each other with signal drums.

Progressives won out, and the phone system was converted to push button technology.

Although it was not an intended consequence, the push dial was an important factor in what would (a generation later) be known as "butt dialing."

Cordless Phone

Phones were connected to walls by a thing called a "cord" which had the effect of limiting ones mobility while using the phone. Various concepts were employed to increase mobility (such as longer cords and strategically installing more phones), but eventually the problem was solved by the creation of the "cordless phone."

 

Mobility began to increased. Although the range was not extensive, you could finally wander around your back yard while using the phone. Now, this may not seem all this great, but back in the 1980s, this was a revolutionary concept!

 

But this (slight) increase in mobility only fueled a desire to range even further. Using quantum equations, and information gleaned from the Roswell wreckage, scientist designed and created a device that would eventually lead to "butt dialing."

The Cellphone!

The other day, Macky Rae (my youngest dog) came up to me and asked if he could get a cellphone. I wondered why he wanted a cellphone and like an idiot I decided to ask him why he needed a cellphone.

"So I can make phone calls."

I suppose that should have been obvious. 

So I told him that I was not going to buy him a cellphone, to which he replied that he would pay for it himself, to which I asked how he planned to pay for it, to which he replied "I have money."

ME: Enough for a cellphone?

MACKY: Yes. Do you want to see?

ME: Sure

MACKY: Follow me.

I followed him out the backdoor, and watch as he began walking a straight line from the porch, counting out each step. He stopped at ten, then turned left, then again started walking and counting.

 

"What are you doing?" I asked.

 

"Hush, Dad" he scolded. "You are making me lose count."

 

So I stood on the porch (silently) and watch as Macky zigzagged across the yard for several minutes. Finally, he came to a stop in the middle of the yard, sniffed the ground, circled twice, sniffed again, then began digging. Naturally, what I was expecting him to dig up was a bone.

---

Thanks to Macky Rae, there is a plethora of bones from a variety of animals buried in the back yard. In 5000 years, if archaeologists excavate it, they're going to come to the conclusion that this was the site of some bizarre religious cult and the bones are the remains of ritual sacrifices to some pagan god (or goddess). 

Or maybe in 5 million years paleontologist will uncover the (fossilized) bones and become confused after trying to reassemble the skeleton in order to find out what kind of animal it was.

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As I said, I was expecting him to dig up a bone. I was not expecting a soup can.

Specifically, Campbell's Bean with Bacon. That's his favorite. He likes it with his grilled cheese sandwiches. 

He brought the can to the porch, and emptied its contents: $368 cash, plus a large amount of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

 

ME: Where did you get all this money?

 

MACKY: From Mister MacFearsome.

Gus MacPherson (Macky has problems pronouncing his name) owns the A-1 Towing and Salvage Yard.

His Junkyard Dog face.

ME: MacPherson gave you almost $400?

 

MACKY: He didn't just give it to me, I earned it.

 

ME: Earned it? Are you his junkyard dog again?

Last summer, MacPherson's Rottweiler got a bladder infection, and had to spend a few days at a veterinary hospital. Macky earned $10 a day as a temporary junkyard dog until Fang recovered.

MACKY: No I earned it recycling.

 

ME: Recycling?

 

MACKY: Yeah. I collect numunum cans.

I think he meant aluminum cans.

MACKY: That is what I said!

Otis was the man who got whacked

one night last October when Macky

thought he was a zombie.

If you missed this story, see Zombies!

in the archives.

---

What he's been doing is this: Every morning, he has been going around with his little red wagon early in the morning and digging through dumpsters and trashcans.

Most dogs do this. Most are looking for food. 

Mine was looking for aluminum.

Then when his wagon is full, he goes down to MacPherson's and exchanges them for cash.

His best spot (he tells me) is the Bar'n'Grill on weekends. He say he has to make an extra trip to turn in all the aluminum.

And you'll love how he got started: We have a redneck neighbor named Otis Campbell who spends a lot of time sitting on the porch drinking beer. Aluminum cans had been accumulating on the porch because he was too lazy (drunk) to gather them up and throw them away, and they were beginning to spill out onto the lawn.

Macky offered to gather them up and haul them away for $20 (to which Otis agreed), and then took them down to MacPherson's and sold them for another $20.

More Telephone History

This is a phone booth.

There was a time when these could be found everywhere. They were a common site across the landscape of America, like the buffalo once was in the Great Plains.

Back in the pre-cellphone days, if you wanted to make a call, you would look around and find the nearest phone booth. Inside the phone booth, there would be a phone, specifically a pay-phone. As you might surmise from the name, you had to pay

Payphones were preceded by pay stations, manned by telephone company attendants who would collect payment for calls placed. In 1889, a public telephone with a coin-pay mechanism was installed at the Hartford Bank in Hartford, Connecticut by the Southern New England Telephone Co. It was a "post-pay" machine; coins were inserted at the end of a conversation.

And you know more than a few didn't post-pay.

The "pre-pay" phone debuted in Chicago in 1898. Originally, the charge was only 5¢. Then around 1950 inflation struck and the cost went up to 10¢.

Then 15¢. Then 25¢. Then 50¢.

Dead phone booths are being seen more

and more across the country.

By 1902 there were 81,000 payphones in the United States. By 1905, the first outdoor payphones with booths were installed. By the end of 1925, 25,000 of these booths existed in New York City alone. In 1960, the Bell System installed its one millionth telephone booth.

Sources differ as to whether the peak number of payphones in the United States was 2.6 million in 1995 or 2.2 million in 2000. As of 2013, the number is reportedly less than 500,000.

But in a world where almost everyone has a cellphone in their pocket, who needs a pay-phone?

Like the Buffalo, the payphone is becoming a vanishing site, not only on the Great Plains, but all over the United States, and across the world!

Phoneboths were also used for some unexpected purposes, like phonebooth stuffing, a fad that began during the 1950s in Durban, South Africa and spread to Britain, Canada and the United States by the spring of 1959. It involved a number of people consecutively entering a phonebooth, until the point where the phonebooth would accommodate no more, or there were no more individuals available. At some colleges as many as 25 students managed to cram some of their body into the standard phone booth. Although it was "one of the all-time great fads," it was passé by the end of 1959, replaced by the more sedate fad of hunkerin'. It was akin to the earlier fads of flagpole sitting, goldfish swallowing, and panty raids, and a predecessor of the fad of streaking.

Superman often utilized the phone booth to quick change from Clark Kent to Superman.

Do you know what has always puzzled me about Superman? How is it that nobody recognizes Clark Kent when he is wearing his glasses?

I wear reading glasses (when I read) and people still recognize me. Yet, nobody recognizes him (Clark) as Superman, not even Lois Lane who (like Clark) is a reporter - they are, in theory, suppose to be more observant.

Macky Rae (my youngest dog) likes Superheroes - but he's only four, and most four year olds like superheroes.

I liked Superheroes as a kid. I think Spiderman is neat, but Macky Rae (my youngest dog) does not have the same level of respect for him as I do.

ME: You don't like Spiderman?

MACKY: I like Spiderman, but I do not think he is a realistic role model.
ME: Why not?



MACKY: Because he did not earn his powers.

 

ME: He didn't?

 

MACKY: No. He got it from a spiderbite. If I got bit by a radioactive spider, I would be a Superhero too.

Which is possible, since we live do south of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation.

ME: And Batman is different?

 

MACKY: He is, because he was just a regular gut until he decided to be a Superhero.

 

ME: And that makes him better?

 

MACKY: It makes him a real hero. Real heroes are ordinary people---

SARAH: Or pets

MACKY: --who do heroic stuff.

SARAH: Like firemen.

FREEDOM: And veterans.



Theodore J. Barnes

MACKY: Do you know who I think is a good role model? Uncle Theo.

Regular readers of this blog know that Theodore J. Barnes is my redneck uncle, and are probably wondering (as I did) just why Macky Rae thought that Uncle Theo was a good role model.

ME: Why do you think Uncle Theo is a good role model?

 

MACKY: Because he is a veteran, and veterans are good role models.

It's a good thing Macky Rae isn't allowed in the bar at the American Legion hall. After hearing them talk after a few beers, he might not think they were good role models as he originally thought.

ME: What about me? I'm a veteran.

 

MACKY: You were only in the Air Force. Uncle Theo was a Marine.

 

ME: Air Force are veterans too.

FREEDOM: Barely.

SARAH: At least you weren't in the Coast Guard.

MACKY: Uncle Theo tells us stories about when he was a GI.

ME: I tell GI stories.

MACKY: Uncle Theo tells good GI stories.

ME: My GI stories are good.

SARAH: Your GI stories are about ordering pizza.

FREEDOM: Or getting arrested in a hotel for being naked. 

(I was acquitted on that - FYI) 

Fighting Comets

MACKY: Uncle Theo tells stories about fighting Comets in Korea.

ME: Comets?

FREEDOM: He means Communists.

MACKY: That's what I said!

SARAH: Did you kill any "Comets" when you were in the Air Force?

ME: Well, no...

MACKY: What did you do in the Air Force?

ME: I fixed communication systems.

MACKY: Did you see any action?

That depends on what you mean by action.

MACKY: Face it, Dad. Air Force people aren't very tuff.

Airman Carlos Ray Norris, USAF

ME: What about Chuck Norris? You like him, don't you?

Macky Rae loves Chuck Norris. He has all eight seasons of Walker, Texas Ranger on DVD.

MACKY: Yeah! Chuck Norris kicks butt!

ME: He was in the Air Force.

SARAH: Did he fight "comets?"

FREEDOM: Chuck Norris eats "comets."

ME: Is he a good role model?

MACKY: Yeah, but only because he knows karate.

I know how to play Mahjong, but I don't think that would qualify me as a role model.

 

SARAH: Aren't we getting off topic? Isn't this blog entry suppose to be about cellphones?

Yes Sarah, we have digressed.

Speaking of Uncle Theo, and Cellphones:
Some years back, I attended the Barnes Family Reunion. Our family has a big reunion about once every four years - sort of like the Olympics. Hundreds of Barneses come from all across the country to meet up, barbecue, and have a good time.

It was at this reunion that Uncle Theo and I were sitting in lawn chairs, chatting, drinking whiskey, and receiving dirty looks from cousin Clara.

Being a Baptist, Clara disapproves of drinking, and most everything else me and my uncle enjoy doing.

---

WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

from The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (1911)

---

One would assume that sex was (in Mr. Bierce's opinion) God's best gift to man, although Clara disapproved of sex as well.

Although not to strongly, as she has birthed 5 children.

So as we are sitting in the lawn chairs, drinking, and ignoring Clara's dirty looks, another relative (cousin Abigail) came around and was holding up her cellphone as several of the younger family members gathered around and posed for family photos.

"You know" my Uncle said. "When I was their age, if someone help up the phone it meant the call is for you. Now it means smile for the camera."



I was on the bus the other day, there was a woman who was chatting away on her cell phone. You couldn't help but hear her conversation as she felt the need to TALK LOUDLY, as well as talk about personal issues that people normally shouldn't discuss in public.

Unfortunately, this woman wasn't unique.

Thanks to cellphone technology, we have developed a whole new level of social stupidity.

And "butt dialing."

There should be some laws or regulations regarding the usage of cellphones, but unfortunately the constitutional concept of "freedom of speech" gets in the way.

 

I bet if the founding fathers knew about cellphones, they might have had second thoughts about "freedom of speech"

We'll need to take it to a "higher power."

For this, we need to call upon or old friend Moshe Rabbenu, better known as Moses.

Moses has the Lord on speed dial.

Once, 3500 years ago, Moses went up to the top of Mt Sinai and

met with the Almighty himself and returned with a list of commandments for proper behavior. They didn't have cell phones back then, otherwise there might have been a few more commandments

Like Thou shall not text and drive.

As there are a plethora of people that need it, we shall ask Moses to climb the mountain again, talk to God, and return with 



Punishment for violating cellphone

etiquette should be severe. I favor
decapitation, but I have been told
this would be considered "cruel and
unusual."

Damned constitution.

Maybe we could bring back pillory
stocks. They worked in the 1600s. 

The Ten Commandments of Cellphone Etiquette:

1. Don't yell. The average person talks three times louder on a cellphone than they do in a face-to-face conversation.

 

2. If you are engaged in a face-to-face conversation with another person, if your phone goes off, ignore it. Have some courtesy.

And don't be texting while you are talking.

3. If you are in a restaurant:

    a) hang up and order

    b) hang up and eat.

A few restaurants are requesting that you not use your cellphones in their establishment, and quite frankly I think this is a good idea. Nobody wants to hear your phone conversation.

4.Do be a good dining companion. No one wants to be a captive audience to a third-party cellphone conversation, or to sit in silence while their dining companion texts with someone. Always silence and store your phone before being seated. Never put your cellphone on the table.

Let voicemail do its job. When you're in the company of others, let voicemail handle non-urgent calls.

5. Set your phone to "silent" (or just turn it off) when you are in places such as: the theater, church, the library, your daughter's dance recital, and funerals.

My Uncle Theo told me an interesting story: Old Mr. Johnson died, and the entire town went to his funeral. He was buried in his favorite suit, but nobody bothered to check the pockets. It was an open casket, and halfway through the eulogy his phone went off.

 

No, wait. It gets better: He was fooling around on his wife, and he was getting a text message from his mistress. Apparently they were suppose to go out the night before, and she was texting to find out why he didn't show up.

6. If you have an annoying ringtone, please turn the volume down when you are in public.

Better yet, place your phone on silent.

7. Don't use the cellphone in the restroom.

This is just plain tacky!

8. Avoid talking about "personal" problems in public.

And don't argue with your boyfriend/girlfriend/other.

Oh Fudge.

9. When using your phone in public, remember that you are in public. The person next to you doesn't want to hear your phone conversation. Step away from the crowd.

And watch the language! Some people walk around with their cellphone using the f-bomb as punctuation. 

10. Hang up and drive.

Since the introduction of the cellphone, I have almost been hit three times trying to cross the street by people operating their vehicles while talking on the cell phone.

Once with my dogs.

I often carry a steel coffee mug. The next time I almost get hit, I'm going to throw it at the driver.

 

 

I will have to end this here (for now). Macky Rae and I are on our way to the Phones R Us.

To buy his phone.

 

 

 

To be continued...

Seahawks

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Go Seahawks!!!

The NFL regular season officially began September 4th as the Seattle Seahawks hosted the Green Bay Packers at CenturyLink Field. The Packers were defeated 36-16.

---

When I came home on the 4th, I discovered my home was filled with canines. Not just my three, but about two dozen or so canines of assorted sizes and breeds. Most of them had a bag of microwave popcorn,

And Macky Rae (my youngest dog) was in the kitchen microwaving more.

This (I was informed) was the West Richland chapter of the 12th Dog Association - a club for dogs who are fans of the Seattle Seahawks.

I was also informed that I was hosting the chapter to watch the game.

As I said, two dozen assorted dogs, all huddled (pun intended) around the TV, and eating popcorn.

And spilling popcorn. There was popcorn all over the carpet. And the sofa. and the recliner.

As you can imagine, watching football game with a herd of dogs can be quite interesting. Dogs can be very excitable, and when they are excited they bark. During the game, they barked at everything. Touchdowns. Field goals. Penalties. Bad calls by the refs. Stupid Commercials.

And they kept spilling the popcorn! I am still finding popcorn all around the apartment.

At half time, everyone needed to go potty. So, I opened the door and two dozen assorted canines went outside to answer the call of nature. The each selected a tree or bush, and everything was going OK.

Until someone yelled "squirrel!"

It was at this time that a red squirrel with very bad timing cruised into view. One of the dogs yelled "squirrel!" and it was game on as the two dozen assorted canines chased the squirrel half a block and up a sycamore tree.

Things looked bad for the squirrel as the two dozen canine surrounded the tree, barking and growling. It was starting to look hopeless for the squirrel when Sarah (my female) came out on the porch and announced that the second half was just about to start. The two dozen assorted canines suddenly lost interest in the squirrel and returned to watch the game, allowing the squirrel to escape.

And I bet that particular squirrel never comes within a half mile of our apartment ever again.

It was during half time "potty break" that I noticed one of the "dogs" was of the feline persuasion. I found it interesting that a cat would be at a gathering of the 12th Dog Association.

More important, I found it interesting that none of the dogs seemed to be aware that there was a cat at there gathering.

I decided to inquire.

ME: Macky Rae, can I ask you a question?

MACKY: Sure.

ME: Have you, or the rest of the club, noticed anything different about Freddie?

MACKY: Like what?

ME: Like, Freddie is a cat.

MACKY: Oh, yeah. We knew that.

ME: And you let him into your club?

MACKY: There isn't a local 12th cat chapter, so Freddie had to join our club.

ME: And you're OK with cats in your club??

MACKY: Sure. As long as they are Seahawk fans.

I was informed later that many of the cats in our area were Bronco fans.

Who would have guessed?

Also known as the Osprey, the Sea Hawk (Pandion haliaetus), is a raptor that dines primarily on fish. And sometimes Broncos. I have been following the Seahawks since 1976, when Seattle got awarded the franchise. I was in Junior High at the time. Since then I have Graduated High School Gone to College Left College Joined the Air Force Left the Air Force Returned to College Graduated College Held about a dozen jobs, predominantly food service related Been through about a dozen relationships And in all that time, the Seahawks never made the Super Bowl. Players came, and went (and came and went) and still no super bowl. I looked hopeless. I began to doubt. Now upon reflection, I berated the Seahawks, but in reality they did not do that bad. O.K. maybe they didn't win all of the games they played, but if they didn't win, they at least finished in second place. Finally, when many had almost given up all hope, they made it. Super bowl XL. And because Bill Leavy suddenly forgot how to officiate a football game correctly, victory was snatched away. But finally, after 38 years, the Sea Hawks vindicated themselves by winning Super Bowl XLVIII.           Hopeful it won't be another 38 years before they go again!

MACKY: Hey Dad. Did you hear the police got called to an St. Louis Ram's practice?

ME: Really?

MACKY: Yeah. During practice, they discovered a suspicious white substance on the field.

ME: No kidding?

MACKY: Yeah. The DEA investigated and discovered it was the the end zone, but told the Rams not to worry about it because it was unlikely that they would encounter it much during the NFL season.

According to statistics, more people are born in October than any other month. This means more people were conceived in January (and this indicated that the national copulation rate increases in January). Several theories have been put forth to explain this, but do not adequately explain the phenomena. A common theory is that January is a cold, dark month, and people do not have much to do, other than have sex. Copulating is a great way to warm up, I agree, but there are other cold, dark month which do not have an increased conception rate. So this theory also does not adequately explain the phenomena. Since the NFL expanded, the season has been extended and the Superbowl now occurs in February. If my theory is right, November will soon become the most common birthday month. I has a theory of my own. What does January have that other months don't? The end of the football season. Think about it: The die hard football fan has been glued to the TV every weekend since August. Suddenly, it's all over. He become lost. Disoriented. He looks around, and notices a strange woman in the kitchen washes dishes. No, wait - that's his wife. Something stirs inside him. Its been awhile, since August. He slips up behind her and begins to fondle her... well, you know where. "Hey, baby. You is lookin' good today." He wants sex. The dishes need to be washed, but she gives in easily. It has been awhile, since August.

We got a new neighbor, who (unfortunately) is a 49ers fan. Most of the people who live in our apartment complex are Seahawk fans. The reason I know this is because the water pressure in the apartment drops off during the commercials.

This is because everyone is going on potty break at the same time.

But as I said, we got a new neighbor, and he roots for the 49ers.

He also has a cat.

Between being a 49ers fan AND a cat owner, Macky is not to fond of the man.

Or his cat. Or the bumper sticker on his car.

Actually, there's not much of the bumper sticker left. The West Richland chapter of the 12th dog association has been scraping it off during the night. 

The other day, Macky and Mr. Zinn (our 49ers neighbor) were outside, discussing football.

ZINN: Why are you a Seahawks fan?

MACKY: Because my Dad is a Seahawks fan.

Which is true. As I said, I have been following them since 1976.

ZINN: So, you're a Seahawk fan just because your Dad is a Seahawks fan?

MACKY: That's right.

ZINN: So, what if your Dad was a moron, what would that make you?

MACKY: A 49ers fan.

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You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

~Frank Zappa

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For most of the world, "football" is what we call soccer. What we call "football' the rest of the world calls "American Football." American football evolved from the sport of rugby football somewhere during the late 1800s. Rugby, like American football, is a team sport where two competing teams vie for control of a ball, which can be kicked through a set of goalposts or run into the opponent's goal area to score points

There are numerous differences between American Football and Rugby, but the most significant is that the participants of Rugby don't wear a lot of protective equipment.

I've seen Rugby played. It's brutal. I've seen less violence at a hockey game. It's not a sport for wimps. Cuts, bruises, missing body parts - but after the game ends (and all the missing body parts are sewn back, hopefully on the right person) the two teams that were trying to mangle each other head down together to the pub for drink.

Tlachtli

The Aztecs had an interesting game called Tlachtli. This was not a "football," but rather something similar to racquetball. Archeologists are still not clear on the exact rules, but one of the aspects of the game may have been that the losing team members were sacrificed.

And you thought Rugby was tough.

Fortunately, the NFL has no such rule. Otherwise, Cleveland would no longer have a franchise.

Now what I do think would be an interesting idea is what I call "The Loser Bowl." One week before the Super Bowl, the worse teams in each conference play agains each other in order to determine who is the worst. Winner of the Loser Bowl gets a bonus first pick in the next NFL draft

The losers walk home in their underwear.