Cell Phones (and Recycling)

A phone (for those of you who do not know) is a communications device that permits two or more users to conduct a conversation when they are not in the same vicinity of each other to be heard directly. First patented in 1876 by Alexander Graham Bell and further developed by many others, the telephone was the first device in history that enabled people to talk directly with each other across large distances.

According to legend, The first words spoken over the phone where "Come here, Watson. I need you!" Watson was in another room when Bell spilled sulfuric acid on his clothes. Watson came rushing in, proclaiming that he had heard Bell's voice through the phone.

Ernestine (the Operator)

Now this is probably the official "edited" version. Sulfuric (battery) acid is wicked stuff, and it seems unlikely to me that Bell, or anyone, would remain that calm after dumping a cupful on his lap. If it was me, I'd have said something like "@#$%!!!" and Watson would have heard that without the phone. I'm guessing that later Bell and Watson sat down and "agreed" on another version, one that could be taught in grade-school history class.

The History of the Telephone in two-minute:

 



Old Style
Telephone

Ever seen one of these?

 

About a hundred years ago, this is what a phone looked like.

Except they were called "tele"-phones, way back then.

 

You had to click the receiver a few times, and then the operator would answer and ask you who wanted to talk to, and then she would connect you to who ever you were wanting to talk to. And you usually had to talk loudly, because telephones weren't all that great.

 

Rotary Dial Phone

Eventually some came up with the idea of phone numbers, and this lead to the invention of the rotary dial, and dialing. You didn't need an operator, all you did was dial up the number of the person you wanted to call. To do this, you put your finger on the hole with the appropriate number, and twirled the dial clockwise.

 

Push Dial Phone

Then we decided in the 1980s that it would be much faster (and easier) if we could just push the numbers we wanted. This led to the development of the push dial.

Switching from rotary to push button was controversial, and sparked much debate across the country (including congress). Traditionalist believed that phones should remain rotary (the way God intended) whereas progressives called the traditionalist bad names, and pointed out if they had there way, mankind would still be huddled in caves, communicating with each other with signal drums.

Progressives won out, and the phone system was converted to push button technology.

Although it was not an intended consequence, the push dial was an important factor in what would (a generation later) be known as "butt dialing."

Cordless Phone

Phones were connected to walls by a thing called a "cord" which had the effect of limiting ones mobility while using the phone. Various concepts were employed to increase mobility (such as longer cords and strategically installing more phones), but eventually the problem was solved by the creation of the "cordless phone."

 

Mobility began to increased. Although the range was not extensive, you could finally wander around your back yard while using the phone. Now, this may not seem all this great, but back in the 1980s, this was a revolutionary concept!

 

But this (slight) increase in mobility only fueled a desire to range even further. Using quantum equations, and information gleaned from the Roswell wreckage, scientist designed and created a device that would eventually lead to "butt dialing."

The Cellphone!

The other day, Macky Rae (my youngest dog) came up to me and asked if he could get a cellphone. I wondered why he wanted a cellphone and like an idiot I decided to ask him why he needed a cellphone.

"So I can make phone calls."

I suppose that should have been obvious. 

So I told him that I was not going to buy him a cellphone, to which he replied that he would pay for it himself, to which I asked how he planned to pay for it, to which he replied "I have money."

ME: Enough for a cellphone?

MACKY: Yes. Do you want to see?

ME: Sure

MACKY: Follow me.

I followed him out the backdoor, and watch as he began walking a straight line from the porch, counting out each step. He stopped at ten, then turned left, then again started walking and counting.

 

"What are you doing?" I asked.

 

"Hush, Dad" he scolded. "You are making me lose count."

 

So I stood on the porch (silently) and watch as Macky zigzagged across the yard for several minutes. Finally, he came to a stop in the middle of the yard, sniffed the ground, circled twice, sniffed again, then began digging. Naturally, what I was expecting him to dig up was a bone.

---

Thanks to Macky Rae, there is a plethora of bones from a variety of animals buried in the back yard. In 5000 years, if archaeologists excavate it, they're going to come to the conclusion that this was the site of some bizarre religious cult and the bones are the remains of ritual sacrifices to some pagan god (or goddess). 

Or maybe in 5 million years paleontologist will uncover the (fossilized) bones and become confused after trying to reassemble the skeleton in order to find out what kind of animal it was.

---

As I said, I was expecting him to dig up a bone. I was not expecting a soup can.

Specifically, Campbell's Bean with Bacon. That's his favorite. He likes it with his grilled cheese sandwiches. 

He brought the can to the porch, and emptied its contents: $368 cash, plus a large amount of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

 

ME: Where did you get all this money?

 

MACKY: From Mister MacFearsome.

Gus MacPherson (Macky has problems pronouncing his name) owns the A-1 Towing and Salvage Yard.

His Junkyard Dog face.

ME: MacPherson gave you almost $400?

 

MACKY: He didn't just give it to me, I earned it.

 

ME: Earned it? Are you his junkyard dog again?

Last summer, MacPherson's Rottweiler got a bladder infection, and had to spend a few days at a veterinary hospital. Macky earned $10 a day as a temporary junkyard dog until Fang recovered.

MACKY: No I earned it recycling.

 

ME: Recycling?

 

MACKY: Yeah. I collect numunum cans.

I think he meant aluminum cans.

MACKY: That is what I said!

Otis was the man who got whacked

one night last October when Macky

thought he was a zombie.

If you missed this story, see Zombies!

in the archives.

---

What he's been doing is this: Every morning, he has been going around with his little red wagon early in the morning and digging through dumpsters and trashcans.

Most dogs do this. Most are looking for food. 

Mine was looking for aluminum.

Then when his wagon is full, he goes down to MacPherson's and exchanges them for cash.

His best spot (he tells me) is the Bar'n'Grill on weekends. He say he has to make an extra trip to turn in all the aluminum.

And you'll love how he got started: We have a redneck neighbor named Otis Campbell who spends a lot of time sitting on the porch drinking beer. Aluminum cans had been accumulating on the porch because he was too lazy (drunk) to gather them up and throw them away, and they were beginning to spill out onto the lawn.

Macky offered to gather them up and haul them away for $20 (to which Otis agreed), and then took them down to MacPherson's and sold them for another $20.

More Telephone History

This is a phone booth.

There was a time when these could be found everywhere. They were a common site across the landscape of America, like the buffalo once was in the Great Plains.

Back in the pre-cellphone days, if you wanted to make a call, you would look around and find the nearest phone booth. Inside the phone booth, there would be a phone, specifically a pay-phone. As you might surmise from the name, you had to pay

Payphones were preceded by pay stations, manned by telephone company attendants who would collect payment for calls placed. In 1889, a public telephone with a coin-pay mechanism was installed at the Hartford Bank in Hartford, Connecticut by the Southern New England Telephone Co. It was a "post-pay" machine; coins were inserted at the end of a conversation.

And you know more than a few didn't post-pay.

The "pre-pay" phone debuted in Chicago in 1898. Originally, the charge was only 5¢. Then around 1950 inflation struck and the cost went up to 10¢.

Then 15¢. Then 25¢. Then 50¢.

Dead phone booths are being seen more

and more across the country.

By 1902 there were 81,000 payphones in the United States. By 1905, the first outdoor payphones with booths were installed. By the end of 1925, 25,000 of these booths existed in New York City alone. In 1960, the Bell System installed its one millionth telephone booth.

Sources differ as to whether the peak number of payphones in the United States was 2.6 million in 1995 or 2.2 million in 2000. As of 2013, the number is reportedly less than 500,000.

But in a world where almost everyone has a cellphone in their pocket, who needs a pay-phone?

Like the Buffalo, the payphone is becoming a vanishing site, not only on the Great Plains, but all over the United States, and across the world!

Phoneboths were also used for some unexpected purposes, like phonebooth stuffing, a fad that began during the 1950s in Durban, South Africa and spread to Britain, Canada and the United States by the spring of 1959. It involved a number of people consecutively entering a phonebooth, until the point where the phonebooth would accommodate no more, or there were no more individuals available. At some colleges as many as 25 students managed to cram some of their body into the standard phone booth. Although it was "one of the all-time great fads," it was passé by the end of 1959, replaced by the more sedate fad of hunkerin'. It was akin to the earlier fads of flagpole sitting, goldfish swallowing, and panty raids, and a predecessor of the fad of streaking.

Superman often utilized the phone booth to quick change from Clark Kent to Superman.

Do you know what has always puzzled me about Superman? How is it that nobody recognizes Clark Kent when he is wearing his glasses?

I wear reading glasses (when I read) and people still recognize me. Yet, nobody recognizes him (Clark) as Superman, not even Lois Lane who (like Clark) is a reporter - they are, in theory, suppose to be more observant.

Macky Rae (my youngest dog) likes Superheroes - but he's only four, and most four year olds like superheroes.

I liked Superheroes as a kid. I think Spiderman is neat, but Macky Rae (my youngest dog) does not have the same level of respect for him as I do.

ME: You don't like Spiderman?

MACKY: I like Spiderman, but I do not think he is a realistic role model.
ME: Why not?



MACKY: Because he did not earn his powers.

 

ME: He didn't?

 

MACKY: No. He got it from a spiderbite. If I got bit by a radioactive spider, I would be a Superhero too.

Which is possible, since we live do south of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation.

ME: And Batman is different?

 

MACKY: He is, because he was just a regular gut until he decided to be a Superhero.

 

ME: And that makes him better?

 

MACKY: It makes him a real hero. Real heroes are ordinary people---

SARAH: Or pets

MACKY: --who do heroic stuff.

SARAH: Like firemen.

FREEDOM: And veterans.



Theodore J. Barnes

MACKY: Do you know who I think is a good role model? Uncle Theo.

Regular readers of this blog know that Theodore J. Barnes is my redneck uncle, and are probably wondering (as I did) just why Macky Rae thought that Uncle Theo was a good role model.

ME: Why do you think Uncle Theo is a good role model?

 

MACKY: Because he is a veteran, and veterans are good role models.

It's a good thing Macky Rae isn't allowed in the bar at the American Legion hall. After hearing them talk after a few beers, he might not think they were good role models as he originally thought.

ME: What about me? I'm a veteran.

 

MACKY: You were only in the Air Force. Uncle Theo was a Marine.

 

ME: Air Force are veterans too.

FREEDOM: Barely.

SARAH: At least you weren't in the Coast Guard.

MACKY: Uncle Theo tells us stories about when he was a GI.

ME: I tell GI stories.

MACKY: Uncle Theo tells good GI stories.

ME: My GI stories are good.

SARAH: Your GI stories are about ordering pizza.

FREEDOM: Or getting arrested in a hotel for being naked. 

(I was acquitted on that - FYI) 

Fighting Comets

MACKY: Uncle Theo tells stories about fighting Comets in Korea.

ME: Comets?

FREEDOM: He means Communists.

MACKY: That's what I said!

SARAH: Did you kill any "Comets" when you were in the Air Force?

ME: Well, no...

MACKY: What did you do in the Air Force?

ME: I fixed communication systems.

MACKY: Did you see any action?

That depends on what you mean by action.

MACKY: Face it, Dad. Air Force people aren't very tuff.

Airman Carlos Ray Norris, USAF

ME: What about Chuck Norris? You like him, don't you?

Macky Rae loves Chuck Norris. He has all eight seasons of Walker, Texas Ranger on DVD.

MACKY: Yeah! Chuck Norris kicks butt!

ME: He was in the Air Force.

SARAH: Did he fight "comets?"

FREEDOM: Chuck Norris eats "comets."

ME: Is he a good role model?

MACKY: Yeah, but only because he knows karate.

I know how to play Mahjong, but I don't think that would qualify me as a role model.

 

SARAH: Aren't we getting off topic? Isn't this blog entry suppose to be about cellphones?

Yes Sarah, we have digressed.

Speaking of Uncle Theo, and Cellphones:
Some years back, I attended the Barnes Family Reunion. Our family has a big reunion about once every four years - sort of like the Olympics. Hundreds of Barneses come from all across the country to meet up, barbecue, and have a good time.

It was at this reunion that Uncle Theo and I were sitting in lawn chairs, chatting, drinking whiskey, and receiving dirty looks from cousin Clara.

Being a Baptist, Clara disapproves of drinking, and most everything else me and my uncle enjoy doing.

---

WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

from The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (1911)

---

One would assume that sex was (in Mr. Bierce's opinion) God's best gift to man, although Clara disapproved of sex as well.

Although not to strongly, as she has birthed 5 children.

So as we are sitting in the lawn chairs, drinking, and ignoring Clara's dirty looks, another relative (cousin Abigail) came around and was holding up her cellphone as several of the younger family members gathered around and posed for family photos.

"You know" my Uncle said. "When I was their age, if someone help up the phone it meant the call is for you. Now it means smile for the camera."



I was on the bus the other day, there was a woman who was chatting away on her cell phone. You couldn't help but hear her conversation as she felt the need to TALK LOUDLY, as well as talk about personal issues that people normally shouldn't discuss in public.

Unfortunately, this woman wasn't unique.

Thanks to cellphone technology, we have developed a whole new level of social stupidity.

And "butt dialing."

There should be some laws or regulations regarding the usage of cellphones, but unfortunately the constitutional concept of "freedom of speech" gets in the way.

 

I bet if the founding fathers knew about cellphones, they might have had second thoughts about "freedom of speech"

We'll need to take it to a "higher power."

For this, we need to call upon or old friend Moshe Rabbenu, better known as Moses.

Moses has the Lord on speed dial.

Once, 3500 years ago, Moses went up to the top of Mt Sinai and

met with the Almighty himself and returned with a list of commandments for proper behavior. They didn't have cell phones back then, otherwise there might have been a few more commandments

Like Thou shall not text and drive.

As there are a plethora of people that need it, we shall ask Moses to climb the mountain again, talk to God, and return with 



Punishment for violating cellphone

etiquette should be severe. I favor
decapitation, but I have been told
this would be considered "cruel and
unusual."

Damned constitution.

Maybe we could bring back pillory
stocks. They worked in the 1600s. 

The Ten Commandments of Cellphone Etiquette:

1. Don't yell. The average person talks three times louder on a cellphone than they do in a face-to-face conversation.

 

2. If you are engaged in a face-to-face conversation with another person, if your phone goes off, ignore it. Have some courtesy.

And don't be texting while you are talking.

3. If you are in a restaurant:

    a) hang up and order

    b) hang up and eat.

A few restaurants are requesting that you not use your cellphones in their establishment, and quite frankly I think this is a good idea. Nobody wants to hear your phone conversation.

4.Do be a good dining companion. No one wants to be a captive audience to a third-party cellphone conversation, or to sit in silence while their dining companion texts with someone. Always silence and store your phone before being seated. Never put your cellphone on the table.

Let voicemail do its job. When you're in the company of others, let voicemail handle non-urgent calls.

5. Set your phone to "silent" (or just turn it off) when you are in places such as: the theater, church, the library, your daughter's dance recital, and funerals.

My Uncle Theo told me an interesting story: Old Mr. Johnson died, and the entire town went to his funeral. He was buried in his favorite suit, but nobody bothered to check the pockets. It was an open casket, and halfway through the eulogy his phone went off.

 

No, wait. It gets better: He was fooling around on his wife, and he was getting a text message from his mistress. Apparently they were suppose to go out the night before, and she was texting to find out why he didn't show up.

6. If you have an annoying ringtone, please turn the volume down when you are in public.

Better yet, place your phone on silent.

7. Don't use the cellphone in the restroom.

This is just plain tacky!

8. Avoid talking about "personal" problems in public.

And don't argue with your boyfriend/girlfriend/other.

Oh Fudge.

9. When using your phone in public, remember that you are in public. The person next to you doesn't want to hear your phone conversation. Step away from the crowd.

And watch the language! Some people walk around with their cellphone using the f-bomb as punctuation. 

10. Hang up and drive.

Since the introduction of the cellphone, I have almost been hit three times trying to cross the street by people operating their vehicles while talking on the cell phone.

Once with my dogs.

I often carry a steel coffee mug. The next time I almost get hit, I'm going to throw it at the driver.

 

 

I will have to end this here (for now). Macky Rae and I are on our way to the Phones R Us.

To buy his phone.

 

 

 

To be continued...