Zombieland - Heroes of the Apocalypse

Sarah, my older female dog, enters the room.

SARAH: Dad, you need to talk to Macky.

ME: Why?

SARAH: He's killing Firefighters!

ME: What?

SARAH: Can't you hear it?

MACKY: [From the other room]. Pow! Another Firefighter bites the dust!

ME: Those aren't real Firefighters. They are Zombie Firefighters on his game

(Regular readers of this blog are aware that Macky Rae, my younger male dog, is an avid player of ZombieLand™)

SARAH: It doesn't matter. It is still disrespectful. Firefighters are a very important part of our society.

ME: It's just a game,

SARAH: It teaches him bad habits.

ME: OK, I'll talk to him.

SARAH: Thank-you

ME: I'll ask him to focus on Police-Zombies

SARAH: No! They are an important part of our society as well.

ME: Farmer-Zombies?

SARAH: Where do you think food comes from?

ME: The store?

SARAH: Don't be smart.

ME: So which Zombies can he kill?

SARAH: He can kill the Dog Catcher Zombies.

ME: I don't think the game has those. It does have Postman Zombies.

SARAH: That would be OK

(Dog's have traditionally never been fond of Postmen)

ME: Hey, Macky.

MACKY: [From the other room]. Yes Dad?

ME: Focus on Postman Zombies today

MACKY: [From the other room]. OK.

Cinco De Mayo (Dogs Say the Darnedest Things)

¿Quién dejó los perros?   Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof ¿Quién dejó los perros?   Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof ¿Quién dejó los perros?   Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof ¿Quién dejó los perros?

SARAH: Why are we listening to the Spanish station?

FREEDOM: Because we are celebrating Cinco de Mayo.

SARAH: Why are we doing that?

FREEDOM: Because we are part Chihuahua.

SARAH: So?



¿Cuánto cuesta ese perrito en la ventana?   
El que mueve la cola.   
¿Cuánto cuesta ese perrito en la ventana?   
Espero que los del perrito para la venta. 

FREEDOM: That makes us Hispanic.

SARAH:  We're part Pomeranian too. Why don't we ever celebrate any Pomeranian holidays?

FREEDOM: Are there any Pomeranian holidays?

SARAH: Why ask me? I don't even know where Pomerania is. Do you?

FREEDOM: Europe, I think.

SARAH: That's helpful.

FREEDOM: Maybe Macky knows.

SARAH: Where is he?

FREEDOM: In the other room, playing on the computer.

SARAH: Macky! Where is Pomerania?

MACKY: How should I know?

SARAH: Look it up on Google.

MACKY: It is in northwestern Poland.

SARAH: OMG! Do you know what that means?

FREEDOM: What?

SARAH: That means we are Pollocks!

MACKY: How many Pomeranians does it take to change a light bulb?

SARAH: You're not funny!
 

Sangria

One of my favorite drinks to serve with Tex-Mex food, or barbecue, is sangria.

Sangria normally consists of wine, chopped fruit, a sweetener, and a small amount of added brandy. Chopped fruit can include orange, lemon, lime, apple, peach, melon, berries, pineapple, grape, kiwifruit and mango. A sweetener such as honey, sugar, syrup, or orange juice is added. Instead of brandy, other liquids such as Seltzer, Sprite or 7 Up may be added.

Ingredients:

• 1 750 ml bottle of red wine (Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Rioja reds, Zinfandel, Shiraz)
• 3 cups of club soda
• 1 Orange cut into wedges
• 1 Lemon cut into wedges
• 2 Limes cut into wedges
• 2 Tbsp sugar
• 1 Shot brandy

Preparation:

Mix wine and club soda in the pitcher, then squeeze the juice wedges from the lemon, limes, and orange into the mix. Toss in the fruit wedges (leaving out seeds if possible) and add sugar and brandy. Set aside for a few hours at temperature to allow the fruit flavors to blend. Pour over ice and serve.

A variant method is to chill overnight and add club soda just before serving.  

If you'd like to serve right away, use chilled red wine and serve over ice. 

Addition ideas:

Obviously, the quality of the wine will effect the quality of the sangria, but I would not recommend using a pricy wine to make what is essentially a wine cooler. A moderately priced dry red wine will make an excellent sangria. Likewise on the choice of brandy.

As mentioned above, a variety of fruit may be used instead of oranges, lemons, and limes.

Sliced strawberries, diced peaches, a handful of fresh blueberries, raspberries, kiwi slices, etc.

Ginger ale or citrus soda make a good replacement for the club soda.

A variety of  fruit brandies, or fruit liqueurs can be substituted for the brandy. For best results, match the type of liqueur/brandy to the type of fruit(s) used. Other liquors (especially rum) may be used as well.

Dogs Say the Darnedest Things (part 4)

Even more conversations with my dogs:

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MACKY: Hey, Dad. I need your cellphone.

ME: Why?

MACKY: So I can make a call.

Duh.

ME: Who are you calling?

MACKY: The Juice-O-Matic™ people.

ME: Why?

MACKY: To order a juicer!

As if that should have been obvious.

ME: But you don't drink juice.

MACKY: I know, but if we call in the next 30 minutes, they will include 12 space-age designed juice glasses, at no extra charge.

ME: We already have glasses, and we don't need a juicer.

MACKY: I also need your credit card. Hurry! Operators are standing-by to take our call.

---

After being told they had to wear coats when going outside for our daily walk to the park:

MACKY: Why do we have to wear these?

ME: Because it's cold outside.

Sarah enters the living room.

SARAH: Does this outfit make me look fat?

Elton Pom

MACKY: I do not like wearing this sweater.

ME: What's wrong with it?

MACKY: I look stupid.

ME: You look handsome.

MACKY: I look gay. People are going to think I am a gay dog.

ME: No they aren't.

FREEDOM: Are there any "gay" dogs?

MACKY: Poodles.

SARAH: Poodles aren't gay.

FREEDOM: They just look like it.

MACKY: That's because people make them wear stupid sweaters. You can't look tough in a sweater.


Eastside Pomz

FREEDOM: Maybe if Dad got us matching jackets, people would think we are tough.

MACKY: How would that make us look tough?

FREEDOM: They'd think we were in a gang.

MACKY: Yeah! Eastside Pomz!

SARAH: You guys are stupid.

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Macky Rae, my youngest dog, won a goldfish at the county fair.

MACKY: Dad! I think my goldfish is sick!

ME: What's wrong with him.

MACKY: He keeps having seizures! I think he is a polectic.

I assumed he meant "epileptic".

ME: Why do you think that?

MACKY: Because he flops around a lot.

I lean over and examine the goldfish.

ME: He seems OK to me.

MACKY: Wait until I take him out of the bowl, then you will see!

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Sign posted at a local school yard

MACKY: That sign is stupid. Dogs do not even play golf.

FREEDOM: Or ride motorcycles.

MACKY: Do you know why we do not play golf?

ME: Why?

MACKY: Because we can not hold golf clubs because we do not have thumbs.

ME: Is that why dogs don't ride motorcycles?

FREEDOM: No. That's because our legs are to short.

MACKY: I wonder what they would do if a group of dogs rode up carrying golf clubs?

FREEDOM: They'd probably call the SWAT team.

SARAH: You guys are stupid.

---

I enter the living room. Sarah is watching Oprah.

I found a page at Life and Dog called
Juicing For Dogs. OK, maybe they do
drink juice.

ME: Has the mail come?

SARAH: About an hour ago.

A loud whirring sound comes from the kitchen.

ME: What was that?

SARAH: The boys are making juice.

ME: When did we get a juicer?

SARAH: About an hour ago.

From the kitchen:

MACKY: Hey, Dad! Can we have this left over lasagna?

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The Family Meeting (Dogs Say the Darnedest Things, Part 3)

At our family meeting, discussing fire safety with my three dogs:

ME: What should you do if you woke up and smelled smoke?

MACKY: Call 911.

ME: Very good.

SARAH: I'd call you on your cell phone first, then call 911.

ME: Why would you call my cell phone?

SARAH: To tell you the house was on fire.

ME: Why not just bark and tell me?

SARAH: You might not hear me from outside.

ME: What are you doing outside?

SARAH: Calling you.

ME: Why aren't you inside?

SARAH: Because the house is on fire!

FREEDOM: How are you going to make a call from outside?

SARAH: I'll take Dad's cell phone with me.

FREEDOM: You are going to use Dad's phone to call Dad's phone?

SARAH: That's right.

FREEDOM: That won't work.

MACKY: Yeah!

SARAH: What do you know? You're stupid. I bet you don't even know the number for 911.

MACKY: I do too!

SARAH: Then what is it?

MACKY: It is... It is... I am not telling you!

SARAH: That's because you don't know.

MACKY: I do too!

SARAH: Do not!

MACKY: Do too!

SARAH: Do not!

MACKY: Do too!

ME: Stop fighting you two. The correct answer is to call 911.

MACKY: Told you.

SARAH: You're still stupid.

ME: So where do we meet up?

MACKY: At the refrigerator.

FREEDOM: No we don't. We meet up outside, by the mailbox.

ME: Why would we meet by the refrigerator?

MACKY: To save our food!

ME: But the house is on fire.

SARAH: Yeah, stupid.

MACKY: But if we do not save our food, it will burn up and we will starve.

FREEDOM: No we wouldn't. The food isn't going to burn up, it will just get cooked.

MACKY: It will?

FREEDOM: Yeah. It will be flame broiled, just like a barbecue.

MACKY: That would be cool! I like barbecue.

SARAH: You guys are stupid.

Dogs Say the Darnedest Things (Part 2)

More conversations with my dogs:

MACKY: Hey, Sarah. Pull my paw.

SARAH: What for?

MACKY: Just do it.

SARAH: No.

MACKY: Come on. It will be funny.

SARAH: Pull your own paw.

MACKY: Hey, Freedom. Pull my paw.

SARAH: Don't do it.

Freedom pulls Macky's paw, and the "traditional" effect results.

FREEDOM: Ewww!

SARAH: That is so gross.

FREEDOM: What has Dad been feeding you???

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Gang Sign?

I asked my boys why they felt the need to pee on every corner in town. 

MACKY: It is because we do not have thumbs, so we can not use spray paint.

FREEDOM: Even if we did, they would not let us into the store to buy paint.

SARAH: That is so gross.

---

from the Family Album:

	Tell me you are not going out dressed like that? OMG! Seriously, Dad. Who taught you to dress? I have seen better coordinated outfits on golfers!

---

Wild Kingdom

Sarah enters the living room and sees the boys watching television.

SARAH: What are you watching?

MAY: Television

 SARAH: I knew that.

MACKY: Then why did you ask?

FREEDOM: It's a documentary on Wolves

MACKY: Yeah, we are learning about our roots.

SARAH: We're Pomeranians, we come from Europe.

FREEDOM: Before that we were Wolves.

Sarah sits down and watches

SARAH: What are they doing?

FREEDOM: They just killed a deer...

MACKY: ...And now they are going to eat it!

They continue watching. 

SARAH: OMG!  They're eating it raw???

MACKY: Yeah! That is so cool.

SARAH: No it's not, it's gross! Why don't they at least cook it first?

FREEDOM: Why don't have ovens in the wild.

SARAH: Well, they should. No wonder we became dogs.

MACKY: No wonder they call us animals.

---

A common comment, usually when the food is almost in my mouth:

ANY OF THE THREE: Hey, Dad. are you going to eat that?

---

And the ever popular:

MACKY: Hey, Dad! Pull my paw.

Dogs Say the Darnedest Things

My dogs sometimes say very funny things. 

The following is a selection of conversations from my dogs:

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General Tso's Chicken 

While sharing an order of Chinese food:

FREEDOM: This is tasty. What is it?

ME: General Tso's Chicken

MACKY: Why are we eating someone else's food?

ME: We're not. This is our food.

MACKY: But you said it was General Tso's chicken.

ME: That's just what it's called.

MACKY: Why is that?

ME: I don't know. Maybe General Tso was the one who invented it.

SARAH: Seriously? Are we expected to believe that a General has time to cook chicken for his soldiers?

FREEDOM: Maybe he just cooked chicken for the officers.

SARAH: Generals don't cook chicken!

MACKY: Colonel's do.

ME: They do?

MACKY: One does at KFC. Ever heard of Colonel Sanders?

ME: He wasn't a real colonel.

FREEDOM: So, you think maybe General Tso wasn't a real General?

MACKY: Maybe General Tso's was just the name of a fast food restaurant in ancient China.

FREEDOM: Do they have fast food in China?

MACKY: They have fast food everywhere.

FREEDOM: Did they have fast food back then?

MACKY: I bet you they did!

FREEDOM: Do you think they had Taco Bell?

MACKY: Of course not. That is Mexican food.

FREEDOM: Oh, right.

SARAH: You guys are stupid.

---

Wake me up, when October ends.

MACKY: Dad! Quick, come outside.

I set my coffee down and go outside to see what he was excited about. 

ME: What's wrong?

MACKY: Someone has poisoned our trees!

ME: What makes you think that?

MACKY: Look at them! All the leaves are turning brown and falling off.

ME: That's because it's autumn.

MACKY: Their dieing!

ME: No they're not.

MACKY: I bet it was that stupid cat across the street. He is evil.

ME: How do you know this?

MACKY: All cats are evil!



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Faster than a speeding Greyhound 

After noticing Macky Rae playing outside:

 ME: What is Macky wearing a a dish towel around his neck?

FREEDOM: That's his cape.

ME: Why is he wearing a cape?

FREEDOM: So he can fly, like Underdog.

ME: He thinks if he wears a cape, he can fly?

FREEDOM: Yeah.

ME: Why does he believe that?

FREEDOM: Sarah told him.

The sound of a crash, followed by Macky yelping.

SARAH: Dad! Come quick! Macky just jumped of the porch, and now he is stuck in the rose bush!

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Answering to a higher power

After giving the dogs each a hot dog:

MACKY: Do you know what Sarah told me?

ME: No, what did she tell you?

MACKY: She told me that hot dogs are made from the icky part of animals, but I did not believe her. Do you know why?

ME: No, why didn't you.

MACKY: Because she ate her hot dog. If it really was made of icky parts, why did she eat hers.

ME: You are a very clever dog. Did she say what "Icky parts" were?

MACKY: She said it was lips and [censored].

Not to self: Talk to Sarah about appropriate vocabulary, especially around Macky Rae.

MACKY: I think she was just trying to be tricky. She just wanted to eat my hot dog too.

ME: Well, don't worry, because I only buy good hot dogs.


Kosher dogs

MACKY: I only like good hot dogs. What kind do you buy?

ME: Hebrew National. They're kosher.

MACKY: What does kosher mean?

ME:  It means they don't contain "icky parts."

MACKY: That is good.

ME: Their motto is "No ifs, ands, or buts."

MACKY: Good, because I do not want to eat butts.

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Every Parent's Nightmare

At 3am:

MACKY: Dad. Sorry to wake you.
Do we own a fire extinguisher?