Zombieland - Heroes of the Apocalypse

Sarah, my older female dog, enters the room.

SARAH: Dad, you need to talk to Macky.

ME: Why?

SARAH: He's killing Firefighters!

ME: What?

SARAH: Can't you hear it?

MACKY: [From the other room]. Pow! Another Firefighter bites the dust!

ME: Those aren't real Firefighters. They are Zombie Firefighters on his game

(Regular readers of this blog are aware that Macky Rae, my younger male dog, is an avid player of ZombieLand™)

SARAH: It doesn't matter. It is still disrespectful. Firefighters are a very important part of our society.

ME: It's just a game,

SARAH: It teaches him bad habits.

ME: OK, I'll talk to him.

SARAH: Thank-you

ME: I'll ask him to focus on Police-Zombies

SARAH: No! They are an important part of our society as well.

ME: Farmer-Zombies?

SARAH: Where do you think food comes from?

ME: The store?

SARAH: Don't be smart.

ME: So which Zombies can he kill?

SARAH: He can kill the Dog Catcher Zombies.

ME: I don't think the game has those. It does have Postman Zombies.

SARAH: That would be OK

(Dog's have traditionally never been fond of Postmen)

ME: Hey, Macky.

MACKY: [From the other room]. Yes Dad?

ME: Focus on Postman Zombies today

MACKY: [From the other room]. OK.

Sports Talk

Macky Rae preparing microwave popcorn in preparation for tomorrows game. When I got home yesterday, I discovered my dogs had decorated my living room. It was actually already decorated, so what they did was (technically) re-decorate my apartment. There was blue and green crêpe paper streamers in the window, a "Go Seahawks" banner hanging from the ceiling, and posters of Wilson, Lynch, and Sherman on the walls. It could only mean one thing: The local 12th Dog Association was coming over to watch the game tomorrow. For those of you who live in a cave, by "the game" I mean Super Bowl XLIX. For those of you who don't follow my blog on a regular basis, are new to this blog, or just forgot, the 12th Dog Association is about two dozen or so canines of assorted sizes and breeds who live in the area who are devoted Seahawk fans. And a cat named Freddie. The Association allowed Freddie to join the club, because there isn't a 12th cat association because (as I was informed) most of the local cats are not Seahawk fans. I only used this image so I wouldn't get fined. They were in the kitchen, preparing for the festivities: Microwaving popcorn, roasting Chex™ Mix, and arranging appetizer trays. Judging from the grocery bags on the floor, and the fact that my debit card was not in my wallet when I was looking for it earlier, it would appear that I may have fimanced the party as well. Oh well. I'm in.

 

I'm a freak.

I'm one of those people who listens to news and other informational programing. I like to know what's going in in the universe, or at least on my particular planet. I'm interested in global warming (or cooling, one of the two - I forget from week to week which we are believing at the time), racial unrest, police shooting, radical terrorists,

and the 2016 elections.

But only because I'm worried that Hillary Clinton might not only run for president, she might actually win.

Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with electing a woman as president.

Just not THAT woman.

So one evening I was listening to Jim Bohannon and the topic was the police safety in the light of recent terrorist activities, and threats. Bohannon had just asked a good question, and was about to receive (what I hoped would be an) equally good answer from his guest, when suddenly the show was interrupted by the station.

An amber alert?

A storm warning??

A nuclear strike by radicals???

No, something even more important: basketball.

Yes, I said basketball.

The station deemed basketball more important than the safety of our nation.

And it wasn't even NBA, or even college basketball.

It was High School Hoops!

And it wasn't even my alma mater.

(Go Bombers!)

It was bad enough when the station stopped airing Star Talk...

Me and Macky Rae (my younger dog) liked Neil Degrasse Tyson. Regular readers of this blog are aware that he is fond of science and science fiction.

...and now this!

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The public have an insatiable curiousity to know everything,
except what is worth knowing.

~ Oscar Wilde

---

Don't get me wrong, I like sports. But some thing are more important that sports. Like the safety of the free world.

And why do they still broadcast sports on the radio? We have TV (and have had for well over a half century) and (IMHO) it is a much better medium for visual entertainment.

There was a time, when human being lived in caves, that radio was the only was transmit immediate information of sporting events.

Or if you didn't need immediate sporting information, you could wait until the following day and hear the results announced by the town crier.

Some sports you just have to watch, either live or on TV. Football I can understand, but that's because I like football. But Basketball? High School Basketball???

 

Other than parents (and maybe a few other family members), I can't imagine anyone wanting to listen to high school basketball (or any other high school sport). I might be wrong (and often am) but I can't believe they have enough listeners to warrant preempting other programming.

At the very least, KONA shouldn't run a show that the plan to interrupt for "high school hoops." The should either do a pre-game show, or just play some music until the game starts.

Just don't get me involved with a show, only to yank the rug out from under me (figuratively speaking) just when it gets interesting.

So, lets talk sports.

In the United States, there are only 6 sports played: Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey, NASCAR,

and everything else - This is according to a 2013 Harris poll.

2176 people were surveyed between December 12th and 18th of 2012, and these are the results:

 

Football was #1 (anyone surprised by this?) at 46% - 35% favoring NFL, 11 favoring college (NCAAF).

Canadian Football did not make the list.

"You can't be a real country

unless you have a beer and

an airline. It helps if you have

some kind of a football team,

or some nuclear weapons, but

at the very least you need a

beer."

~ Frank Zappa

 

Outside the United States (and Canada), "American" Football does not enjoy much popularity. Worldwide, the #1 sport is Soccer.

Most countries enjoy some form of "foot" ball: Soccer, Rugby, and American Football being the most preeminent.
 

My dogs like football. They are Seahawk fans.

You probably guessed that from the intro to this blog entry.

Two weeks ago, went down to the Zip-E-Mart and bought sodas, chips, and beef jerky - snacks for the NFC championship game. As the game was about to start, I reached over to turn up the volume.

That's when they attacked me.

They thought I was going to change the channel, and panicked. Freedom (my oldest) bit my hand, Sarah (my female) bit my leg, and Macky Rae jumped up on me and head-butted me until I lost consciousness.

Green Bay - 22

Seattle - 26

Trip to the ER for stitches- $300

Laying on the floor in a daze, bleeding, listening to the NFC playoff game - Priceless

It was an awesome ending, so the dogs told me.

 

 

 

Nipper listening to the 1919 World Series.

The Cincinnati Reds defeated the Chicago

White Sox 5 to 3

Baseball was #2 with 16%.

How can anyone enjoy listening to baseball?

I played baseball as a kid (little league) and it's a fun game to play, but (IMHO) it's boring to watch, let alone listen to. Very little happens unless a player gets a hit - otherwise most of the players are standing around, scratching and spitting. Only the pitcher and the catcher are (more or less) constantly playing. The pitcher's aim is to strike out the batter (thus preventing anything from happening), and a perfect game, when all the batters are struck out, is when absolutely nothing happens.

 

 

 

5% said Ice Hockey

 

There is a WHL team in in my hometown, called the Tri-City Americans

which is an odd name for them, because most of the players are Canadian.

Some years ago, I worked near the coliseum where they played, so many of the players came in for lunch. One afternoon, a few of the "Americans" came in and ordered lunch. While waiting for their sandwiches, the boys engaged in a bit of playful jocularity. One of them elbowed another in the ribs, to which the victim responded with an exagurated "ow!' along with the appropriate emoted gestures.

My co-worker, a hockey fan, was not impressed.

"You know" he told the 'injured' player "as a hockey player I expect you to take a body check better than that."

 

 

 

9% said Basketball, of which 6 % said NBA and 3% said college basketball (NCAAB)

Note: nobody in the survey said "High School Hoops"

I've already had my say on this subject.

 

 

7% said Auto Racing and although the survey did not distinguish, I think it is safe to assume...

yeah, I know: ass / u / me

... that they were mainly referring to stock car racing. Stock car racing in the United States has its origins during Prohibition, when drivers ran illegal whiskey. Bootleggers typically used small, fast vehicles to better evade the police. Many of the drivers would modify their cars for speed and handling, as well as increased cargo capacity.

 

Practice driving and competitions began to attract spectators, and soon stock car racing (NASCAR) became a formal an approved sport.


Especially popular in the south, and by rednecks everywhere

Just Sayin'

Dale "#3" Earnhardt is one of the most noted of these, primarily because he died.

I think that some rednecks believe that NASCAR drivers are taken straight to heaven.

 

My redneck friend (Keith) likes NASCAR and Earnhardt. About a year or so ago he posted a picture of Earnhardt on this Facebook page. It had Dale in his racing regalia, and in the background was an American flag and a bald eagle, and the caption underneath all this read "American Hero."

I had to comment on this.

"Keith" I wrote, "crashing in a car doing 200 mph does not make him a hero. American Heroes are firefighter and police officers, and GIs serving in the middle east."

 

His response: "So what does that make him?"

 

"A redneck who crashed at 200 mph!"

 

 

 

Another sport popular amongst rednecks is "professional" wrestling, or as it is called in the south "Rasling"

 

Spoiler alert: Wrestling is not real.

No other sport is so, well, colorful.

 

Can you imagine freaky characters in other sports?

Oh wait. Dennis Rodman.

I was stationed in San Antonio (Texas) when I was in the Air Force. While I was there, a railroad bridge collapsed, causing a few railcars to drop into the Medina river. Not good, especially if one of them is a tanker filled with toxic chemicals, breaking open and leaking fumes into the air. And even worse when it occurs near a residential area.

Specifically, a trailer park.

(This fact is important to the story.)

The television stations, notified by the emergency notification system, alerted the residence (primarily rednecks) to the danger and advised them to evacuate.

Immediately.

And all the rednecks went to the designated meeting spot.

Which was a convenience store.

One of the local stations sent out a news crew, and did a live report from the store. The crew filmed the evacuees as they roamed around the parking lot, drinking sodas and eating hot dogs, nachos, and whatever else they could buy from the convenience store. The reporter picked one of them at random (more or less) and asked him what had happened.

Noted comedian and redneck expert Jeff Foxworthy once said that not all southerners are dumb, it's just that they can't keep the dumb ones off the TV.

"Well, he said "me and the wife was watching wrestling when the TV told us we should leave, so we put the kids in the truck and came here."

"Here" being the convenience store.

What saved the residents was that the accident occurred between 9 and 10pm so everyone was still up (watching wrestling), and thus got the warning to evacuate the area.

If it weren't fer wreslin' a whole lot o' rednecks may've been kilt!

 

 

At the time of the accident, I was drinking a beer...

(actually it was more than just "a" beer, but who's counting?)

...in the lounge of the Airman's Club...

which means you can't blame me for the train wreck - I have an alibi

...with Bill MacHines...

and a witness

and was on my 2nd or 12th beer when the station cut away to the impromptu refugee center, interrupting the regularly scheduled programing, which just happened to be a local show called "Weekend Sports Update."

KONA people, please take note: this is how you are suppose to do it. You interrupt sport for news, not the other way around!!!

Seahawks

---

Go Seahawks!!!

The NFL regular season officially began September 4th as the Seattle Seahawks hosted the Green Bay Packers at CenturyLink Field. The Packers were defeated 36-16.

---

When I came home on the 4th, I discovered my home was filled with canines. Not just my three, but about two dozen or so canines of assorted sizes and breeds. Most of them had a bag of microwave popcorn,

And Macky Rae (my youngest dog) was in the kitchen microwaving more.

This (I was informed) was the West Richland chapter of the 12th Dog Association - a club for dogs who are fans of the Seattle Seahawks.

I was also informed that I was hosting the chapter to watch the game.

As I said, two dozen assorted dogs, all huddled (pun intended) around the TV, and eating popcorn.

And spilling popcorn. There was popcorn all over the carpet. And the sofa. and the recliner.

As you can imagine, watching football game with a herd of dogs can be quite interesting. Dogs can be very excitable, and when they are excited they bark. During the game, they barked at everything. Touchdowns. Field goals. Penalties. Bad calls by the refs. Stupid Commercials.

And they kept spilling the popcorn! I am still finding popcorn all around the apartment.

At half time, everyone needed to go potty. So, I opened the door and two dozen assorted canines went outside to answer the call of nature. The each selected a tree or bush, and everything was going OK.

Until someone yelled "squirrel!"

It was at this time that a red squirrel with very bad timing cruised into view. One of the dogs yelled "squirrel!" and it was game on as the two dozen assorted canines chased the squirrel half a block and up a sycamore tree.

Things looked bad for the squirrel as the two dozen canine surrounded the tree, barking and growling. It was starting to look hopeless for the squirrel when Sarah (my female) came out on the porch and announced that the second half was just about to start. The two dozen assorted canines suddenly lost interest in the squirrel and returned to watch the game, allowing the squirrel to escape.

And I bet that particular squirrel never comes within a half mile of our apartment ever again.

It was during half time "potty break" that I noticed one of the "dogs" was of the feline persuasion. I found it interesting that a cat would be at a gathering of the 12th Dog Association.

More important, I found it interesting that none of the dogs seemed to be aware that there was a cat at there gathering.

I decided to inquire.

ME: Macky Rae, can I ask you a question?

MACKY: Sure.

ME: Have you, or the rest of the club, noticed anything different about Freddie?

MACKY: Like what?

ME: Like, Freddie is a cat.

MACKY: Oh, yeah. We knew that.

ME: And you let him into your club?

MACKY: There isn't a local 12th cat chapter, so Freddie had to join our club.

ME: And you're OK with cats in your club??

MACKY: Sure. As long as they are Seahawk fans.

I was informed later that many of the cats in our area were Bronco fans.

Who would have guessed?

Also known as the Osprey, the Sea Hawk (Pandion haliaetus), is a raptor that dines primarily on fish. And sometimes Broncos. I have been following the Seahawks since 1976, when Seattle got awarded the franchise. I was in Junior High at the time. Since then I have Graduated High School Gone to College Left College Joined the Air Force Left the Air Force Returned to College Graduated College Held about a dozen jobs, predominantly food service related Been through about a dozen relationships And in all that time, the Seahawks never made the Super Bowl. Players came, and went (and came and went) and still no super bowl. I looked hopeless. I began to doubt. Now upon reflection, I berated the Seahawks, but in reality they did not do that bad. O.K. maybe they didn't win all of the games they played, but if they didn't win, they at least finished in second place. Finally, when many had almost given up all hope, they made it. Super bowl XL. And because Bill Leavy suddenly forgot how to officiate a football game correctly, victory was snatched away. But finally, after 38 years, the Sea Hawks vindicated themselves by winning Super Bowl XLVIII.           Hopeful it won't be another 38 years before they go again!

MACKY: Hey Dad. Did you hear the police got called to an St. Louis Ram's practice?

ME: Really?

MACKY: Yeah. During practice, they discovered a suspicious white substance on the field.

ME: No kidding?

MACKY: Yeah. The DEA investigated and discovered it was the the end zone, but told the Rams not to worry about it because it was unlikely that they would encounter it much during the NFL season.

According to statistics, more people are born in October than any other month. This means more people were conceived in January (and this indicated that the national copulation rate increases in January). Several theories have been put forth to explain this, but do not adequately explain the phenomena. A common theory is that January is a cold, dark month, and people do not have much to do, other than have sex. Copulating is a great way to warm up, I agree, but there are other cold, dark month which do not have an increased conception rate. So this theory also does not adequately explain the phenomena. Since the NFL expanded, the season has been extended and the Superbowl now occurs in February. If my theory is right, November will soon become the most common birthday month. I has a theory of my own. What does January have that other months don't? The end of the football season. Think about it: The die hard football fan has been glued to the TV every weekend since August. Suddenly, it's all over. He become lost. Disoriented. He looks around, and notices a strange woman in the kitchen washes dishes. No, wait - that's his wife. Something stirs inside him. Its been awhile, since August. He slips up behind her and begins to fondle her... well, you know where. "Hey, baby. You is lookin' good today." He wants sex. The dishes need to be washed, but she gives in easily. It has been awhile, since August.

We got a new neighbor, who (unfortunately) is a 49ers fan. Most of the people who live in our apartment complex are Seahawk fans. The reason I know this is because the water pressure in the apartment drops off during the commercials.

This is because everyone is going on potty break at the same time.

But as I said, we got a new neighbor, and he roots for the 49ers.

He also has a cat.

Between being a 49ers fan AND a cat owner, Macky is not to fond of the man.

Or his cat. Or the bumper sticker on his car.

Actually, there's not much of the bumper sticker left. The West Richland chapter of the 12th dog association has been scraping it off during the night. 

The other day, Macky and Mr. Zinn (our 49ers neighbor) were outside, discussing football.

ZINN: Why are you a Seahawks fan?

MACKY: Because my Dad is a Seahawks fan.

Which is true. As I said, I have been following them since 1976.

ZINN: So, you're a Seahawk fan just because your Dad is a Seahawks fan?

MACKY: That's right.

ZINN: So, what if your Dad was a moron, what would that make you?

MACKY: A 49ers fan.

---

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

~Frank Zappa

---

For most of the world, "football" is what we call soccer. What we call "football' the rest of the world calls "American Football." American football evolved from the sport of rugby football somewhere during the late 1800s. Rugby, like American football, is a team sport where two competing teams vie for control of a ball, which can be kicked through a set of goalposts or run into the opponent's goal area to score points

There are numerous differences between American Football and Rugby, but the most significant is that the participants of Rugby don't wear a lot of protective equipment.

I've seen Rugby played. It's brutal. I've seen less violence at a hockey game. It's not a sport for wimps. Cuts, bruises, missing body parts - but after the game ends (and all the missing body parts are sewn back, hopefully on the right person) the two teams that were trying to mangle each other head down together to the pub for drink.

Tlachtli

The Aztecs had an interesting game called Tlachtli. This was not a "football," but rather something similar to racquetball. Archeologists are still not clear on the exact rules, but one of the aspects of the game may have been that the losing team members were sacrificed.

And you thought Rugby was tough.

Fortunately, the NFL has no such rule. Otherwise, Cleveland would no longer have a franchise.

Now what I do think would be an interesting idea is what I call "The Loser Bowl." One week before the Super Bowl, the worse teams in each conference play agains each other in order to determine who is the worst. Winner of the Loser Bowl gets a bonus first pick in the next NFL draft

The losers walk home in their underwear.

Controversial NFL Ref placed on Standby

NFL Commissioner
Roger Goodell

With the likelihood of the Seattle Seahawks winning the playoffs (and playing in the 2014 Superbowl), NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that Bill Leavy has been put on standby to be the Head Referee at Superbowl XLVIII should the Seahawks win the NFC championship.

"Seattle is doing well" Goodell said in a press conference. "We have told Bill to be ready for the possibility of the Seahawks making it to the Superbowl a second time."

Bill Leavy is best know as the referee who's erroneous calls resulted in Seattle's 21-10 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2006. Leavy's erroneous call were:

• Receiver Darrell Jackson was called for offensive pass interference during a play, in which he caught a Matt Hasselbeck pass in the end zone. Seattle settled for a field goal instead of a 7-0 lead.
• The Seahawks appeared to have stopped Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger at the goal-line plane on his 1-yard score late in the first half that gave the Steelers a 7-3 lead. Leavy upheld the call after a replay review.
• Early in the fourth quarter, tackle Sean Locklear was called for holding on a pass completion that would have put the Seahawks at the Pittsburgh 1, poised for the go-ahead touchdown. After the penalty, Hasselbeck threw an interception.
• Hasselbeck was called for an illegal low block and given a 15-yard penalty on a tackle after the interception.

There were claims that Leavy had wagered on the game (a violation of NFL policy) against Seattle. Leavy was investigated, and cleared, of any illegality regarding his erroneous call by a Justice Department investigation. In the report to the Joint Congressional Subcommittee on Bogus Calls by Sport's Officials, the chief investigator stated that "stupidity and poor eye sight are not criminal offences."



Former Pittsburgh Steeler QB
Terry Bradshaw

Fearing possible retaliation from disgruntled Seattle fans, Steelers head coach Bill Cowher and Pittsburgh's mayor Bob O'Connor employed former quarterback Terry Bradshaw to serve as an ambassador to Seattle shortly after the game. Bradshaw visit the Puget Sound area for several days, meeting with Seattle residence and Seahawk fans. After meeting with several fans, including one who identified herself as "Erica," Bradshaw was able to redirect hostility from the Steelers and the Pittsburgh area to the offending referee, Bill Leavy.

Leavy received numerous death threats after Super Bowl XL, predominantly from the Pacific Northwest area. A number of  threats, sign by someone identifying herself as "Erica," threatened Leavy with various modes of death, the manner of which were all described as "slow and excruciatingly painful". As a result of these threats, Leavy was force to go into hiding. He lived in hiding for several years as part of a witness relocation program, until his location was discovered by disgruntled Seahawk fans.

"Upon reflection" stated Alan Smith (Department of Justice's Witness Relocation Program director, "I guess Wenatchee Washington was not the best location we could have come up with to send Mr. Leavy."

An FBI investigation was able to trace the "Erica" letters to Eastern Washington, but was unable to identify the person (or persons) sending the threats. No arrests were made, and the case is still unsolved.

Leavy eventually apologized in 2010 for his calls

Bill Leavy

"It was a tough thing for me. I kicked two calls in the fourth quarter and I impacted the game, and as an official you never want to do that. It left me with a lot of sleepless nights, and I think about it constantly. I'll go to my grave wishing that I'd been better.... I know that I did my best at that time, but it wasn't good enough.... When we make mistakes, you got to step up and own them. It's something that all officials have to deal with, but unfortunately when you have to deal with it in the Super Bowl it's difficult." 

A spokesperson for the Seahawk Fans of Eastern Washington (Moses Lake chapter), who identified herself as Erica (but not "that" Erica) said that his apology "was not good enough. Leavy needs to die a slow and excruciatingly painful death."

Head of Leavy's security team

Leavy has been taken to an undisclosed location, and is currently under 24 hour protection of U.S.Marshalls. If Seattle goes to the Super Bowl, the Marshalls will escort him to New Jersey for the game. Already, the at MetLife Stadium at the Meadowlands Sports Complex in East Rutherford, N.J. has been checked, and remains under surveillance in the event that an attempt is made against Leavy.

Asked if he was adequately protected, the head of the U.S.Marshall unit responsible for Leavy safety (who identified herself as "Erica") stated that all possible security precautions had been taken.

"He is quite safe under our protection. He will not be executed in any slow and excruciatingly painful manner."