Zen and the Art of BS

Do you remember research papers?

Most of us had to do at least one in high school English. And if you went to college, you had to do several more, usually. Outlines, 3 by 5 cards, notes, several books and/or other sources, headnotes, footnotes, bibliographies. We were told this was something that we needed to know.

They also told us that about algebra, and we know they lied about that.

The best research paper I ever did earned a 94% (which was an A-). 12 1/2 pages, a two page outline, 4 dozen index cards, footnotes, and a bibliography of about 2 dozen books that never existed.

I cheated.

The class was Communication English, a 3 credit class taught by a hippie/biker wannabe. You had to do four research papers to pass the class, and you were limited to a short list of topics, specifically: the subjects mentioned by Billy Joel in his song "We didn't start the fire." If you don't remember the song, or never heard it, here is the youtube video (if you want to hear it)



On one of my papers, I could not find enough info on the topic I had selected - this was before the internet, Google, and Wikipedia - so I expanded by research paper to cover three topics from the list (all three 20th century dictators) and entitled the paper "Totalitarianism in the 20th century." When the papers were returned, Mr Hippy Biker made a comment to the effect that my paper was on a topic /not/ on the list (and I assume down graded it for said reason). I responded that it was, if he had read the paper.

Which he didn't. I realized from his comment that he was one of those teachers who delegated the task of grading papers to his student aide. This is not an uncommon practice in the academical world, especially at the big universities, but it was one that irked me. Considering how much I had to pay per quarter, I would have like it if the teacher bothered to read my work - after all he was being paid to teach me, in theory anyhow.

But I realized at this point that he didn't care enough to read the papers, which gave me an idea.

The last paper was do shortly before the end of the term, when I was busy finishing this and that for my other classes, and preparing for finals. Not wanting to waste valuable time on a research paper that would not be read by Biker Dude, I invented one.

Paraphrasing an Encyclopedia article, I created a twelve and a half page paper, complete with footnotes and a bibliography of about two dozen books that were never published (by publishing houses that never existed).

And this is the funny part: It was the only paper for which I received an A.

It must have impressed the student aide who read and graded it.

And people wonder why I don't have respect for the academians of this world.

Actually I do, provided they are not idiots.

To these teachers, and many more who

did actually teach me something,

Thank you very much.

There were a few instructors I respected:
Mr Ownsby, my advisor/instructor for police science classes. A former Law enforcement turned instructor, his strories were not only entertaining, they usually wound up being the lectures on the subject of the day :-)

Dr Freidrick, A PhD in History that could actually teach in such a way that made history interesting (even to people not interested in history). The most important thing I learned from his classes was that, for the most part, much of what I learned about history in the public schools was either partially true, or completely wrong.

Randy Hubbs, Music instructor. I heard him on the radio recently, he now is a realator. In some ways this saddened me, but I hope he is successful in his new career. Mr Hubbs had such an enthusiasm for Jazz and music that it radiated in his lectures, and if you weren't careful, you got infected. To this day I am still a fan of the many forms of Jazz, RB, and Blues - as is my oldest dog.

My dog, in case you are wondering, did not take Mr Hubbs class.

Some years ago, I was working as a cook at a BBQ restaurant. There was a CD player, and many of us would bring in our own CDs - and the range of music that was played ranged from Butt Rock to Pop to& Country to Mexican, depending on who was playing a CD at the time. One evening, I left my CD case at work, but the next day the kitchen manager told me he had secured it in the office. He went on to tell me that, out of curiousity he went through my collection and noticed that I had a Best of Robert Johnson CD Robert Johnson, for those who didn't take Mr Hubbs class, was a old (old) school blues performer (c 1930s), who according to rumors sold his soul to the devil in order to acquire his superb talent. It turns out that the kitchen manager had also taken Mr Hubbs class as well, and was a Blues fan. He told me that he borrowed the CD and played it during lunch. I would have loved to have been there, just to see the expression on the faces of the Butt Metal fans as they were forced to listen to the twangy voice of an old (old) school blues performer.

I "cheated" a bit in school. I had a short story I wrote in Middle School for an English assignment, It got a B- the first time I turned it in. I re-used it several times in Middle School and High School (and once in college) and it recevied several different grades, although I never changed it from it's original draft.

But the classical cheat was in Consumer Economics class. Actually, there were two:

In previous blog entries, I have mentioned my friend Keith (the Redneck). We knew each other since pre-school, and for 12 years we had numerous classes together.One of the classses we were in together (in High School) was a class called Consumer Economics, which was required for graduation. The aim of the class was to teach us the basics of consumerism: opening a checking and/or savings account, balancing a checkbook, shopping, buying a car (or other vehicle), advertising, consumer fraud, etc, etc.

One of the assignment we had in the class was to go to an auto dealership, and collect some specific information about a car (as if we were actually going to but it) and write a report on it. We were to team up in groups of two, and naturally me and Keith paired up. The teacher, Mrs Hanson, arranged for us to be excused from our next class, so we had two hours (off campus) in which to do the assignment.

Now, maybe we intended to actually go to a dealership, but when the time came, we made it about 7/10th of a mile to the bowling alley/arcade, and played pool the entire time. Which meant, in theory, we were not going to be able to do the report.

In theory. In actuality, I did it

The following day, I had another excused absence from school. At the time, I was also taking a Shakepearean English class (I mentioned this in a previous blog entry). The Seattle repertoire was in town, performing Taming of the Shrew, and those of us in Shakepearean English classes were invited for a free performance at another High School. Those of us in Shakepeare class got tickets, a bus ride across town, and an excused absence from classes. This meant I would miss Consumer Econ that day, but before I boarded the bus for Shakespeare, I went into the classroom and left the completed report on the teacher's desk, along with a note explaining where I was and why I didn't turn it in during class - although she probably already knew where and why.

I had intended to inform Keith what I had done, but I was unable to find him before I had to board the bus and go, and when I got back, I spaced it off and forgot to mention it to Keith, so as far as he knew, we didn't do the assignment.

That Friday, at the start of class, Mrs. Hanson handed back the (graded) reports, which shouldn't have included ours, but did.

"Doug and Keith received an A" she said as she placed the paper on my desk. She always announced A papers when she returned them, in theory to encourage everyone to strive for excellence.

The look on Keith's face was priceless. He reached over and grabbed to paper off the desk and examined it in disbelief. In the hallway after class, he asked me "How the &%$# did we get an A? We didn't go to a car dealership, we skipped and shot pool. How the &%$# did we write a report, let alone get a &%$#ing A?"

"The Sunday paper" I explained.

Every Sunday one of the local auto dealerships ran a full page ad showing some of the cars available on their lot, including a "pick of the week" which gave detailed information on the vehicle - which happen to be most of what I needed for A- grade report. The rest of what I needed I invented.
"You'd have know that" I told him "if you ever read the paper"

"I read the paper" he told me.

"I meant besides the sports section and the comics."



Another assignment we had in that class was an oral report. At the start of the semester, Mrs Hanson had a list of consumer economics related topics, along with when each report was to be given. Keith and I paired up (as usual) and selected "going to a grocery site and reporting on in-store advertising," and the only reason we selected that topic was because it was the last one due, towards the end of the semester, so we would have plenty of time to actually do it.

Like that was going to happen.

We put it off and put it off (and put it off) until the day came when our report (which we didn't do) was due. As the class started, Mrs. Hanson in her Mary Poppins voice announced that "Doug and Keith have a report today" After a few brief announcements, she seated her self in the back of the room to listen to the reports. There were two other students who had a report due that day. They actually did the work, and gave a very interesting presentation. After they finished (and the students stopped applauding) Mrs Hanson announced "And now Doug and Keith"

Keith had that "this is going to be ungood" look on his face...

(he was good at that)

..but the look on his face when I stood up and walked up to the front of the class was priceless. He remained in his seat, and upon noticing that Keith was not going up with me, the teacher asked "Keith, are you not going to join Doug?" which was followed by several of our classmates calling "Yeah, Keith. Get up there"

Keith got up, walked to the front of the class, sat down in Mrs Hansons chair, and stared at me in disbelief.

I proceeded to give a seven and a half minute presentation on advertising techniques used in grocery stores. It was well presented, quite informative, and Keith and I received an A.

Keith facial expression was now a look of "WTF?"

I concluded my presentation with a Q and A session, and then Mrs Hanson praised us for an excellent report

After class, Keith was in awe of what had just happened.

"Doug, I was prepared for the 30 seconds of embarressment when we would have had to admit that we didn't do the work. Then you stood up and walked to the front of the class, I was like WTF is he doing? But when you made me go up there with you, I was planning to beat your @$$ after class. But when you actually gave our report... I was seriously planning to beat your @$$ for this"

" Did you really think I would march all the way to the front of the class, just to admit that we hadn't done or homework?"

"The thought crossed my mind. So when did you do the work?"

"I didn't. I found some of the information in the text book, and some I got from Mrs Hanson's lectures - you should pay attention more often, the are quite educational."

"So why didn't you tell me what you were up to /before/ class?"

" And ruin the surprise?"

Fear

Today blog subject is fear.

Or more specifically, phobias.

Fear is an emotion induced by a threat perceived by living entities, which causes a change in brain and organ function and ultimately a change in behavior the flight or fight response. In humans and animals, fear is modulated by the process of cognition and learning. Thus fear is judged as rational or appropriate and irrational or inappropriate.

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FDR and Fala

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is...fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

Franklin D. Roosevelt,

first inaugural address
March 4, 1933.

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Some people enjoy being frightened, which is evident from the number of scary movies that have been made since the invention of cinematography.

Or for that matter, the number of scary books that have been published since the invention of literature.

Inspired by authors like Edgar Allan Poe, Bram Stoker, Mary Shelley, scary movies have for more than a century featured scenes that scare the viewer.

But our topic is not rational fear, our topic is irrational fear.

The phobias

 Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid. Clinically, a phobia is a type of anxiety disorder, usually defined as a persistent fear of an object or situation in which the sufferer commits to great lengths in avoiding, typically disproportional to the actual danger posed, often being recognized as irrational. The word phobia comes from the Greek: φόβος (phóbos), meaning "aversion", "fear", or "morbid fear". It is common for specific phobias to be given a name based on a Greek word for the object of the fear, plus the suffix -phobia. A number of terms with the suffix -phobia are used non-clinically. Such terms are primarily understood as negative attitudes towards certain categories of people or other things. Usually these kinds of "phobias" are described as fear, dislike, disapproval, prejudice, hatred, discrimination, or hostility towards the object of the "phobia". Often this attitude is based on prejudices and is a particular case of most xenophobias.

Top Ten Fears

74 % Glossophobia - fear of public speaking

A.K.A. stage fright

I have a friend who suffered from this.

He won some award some time back, which meant he was going to have to give an acceptance speech in front of a large audience.

He was not looking forward to this.

We decided to help him out by telling him about an age old method of treating stage fright by imagining the audience in there underwear, which (in theory) makes them less threatening. So we told him this, and he decided to try it.

It was worth a shot.

An odd look

So he practiced his acceptance speech in the mirror, and when the day of the award he was (he thought) ready.

So when the time came, and he went up on stage, ready to give his acceptance speech (and the get the hell off the stage). He stood behind the podium, laid out his notes, looked out at the audience...

...and froze.

He just stood there, unmoving with an odd look on his face.

After several moments, when it became obvious that he was not oing to be able to give his speak, someone went over and gently escorted him of the stage

We asked him "What happened? You seemed ready, but then you froze up."

"I looked out at the audience" he told us "and I imagined everyone in their underwear, just like you said. But then I saw Michelle Rockwell in the second row."

"So?"

"Dude! She wasn't wearing any underwear."

68 % Necrophobia - fear of dying

Now please notice: Fear of dying is #2, where as fear of public speaking is #1. What this means is that at a funeral, most people would rather be in the coffin than to be giving the eulogy.

Anthroarachnophobia
Fear of Spiderman

30.5 % Arachnophobia - fear of spiders

I suffer from this. I dislike spiders. I even dislike pictures of spiders. I know that they serve a purpose in the eco-system, but the are creepy looking (especially Black Widows). I won't mess with a spiders as long as they stay outside, but if those eight-legged freaks come into my house, they are toast!

Statistically, you have a better chance of being killed by a champagne cork than you do from a poinsonous spider.

But if you see a spider coming at you, riding on a flying champagne cork, your odds are not good.

11 % Nyctophobia - fear of darkness

Macky Rae (my younger dog) had this when he was a pup, the result of one of our Family Movie Nights. We had rented Old Yeller, which is a Disney movie, and I thought it would be safe.

You'd think, right?

Towards the end of the film, the dog is bit by a rabid wolf while defending the family and becomes infected, and the owner has to put him down.

He gets shot.

For you and me, this is what is commonly referred to as an "unhappy ending," a theatrical concept that dates back 3000 years to the days of Greek dramas. To a small dog not yet one year old, this is like Freddy Krueger suddenly showing up at the end of the film.

Macky Rae screamed.

He also had what we commonly refer to as "an accident" on the carpet.

For weeks afterwards, Macky Rae had trouble sleeping. I had to buy him a nightlight because of his trauma induced Nyctophobia.

He also developed tetarophobia, a fear of monsters. Specifically, he developed

Krevatitetarophobia (fear of monsters under the bed), and

Ntoulapitetarophobia (fear of monsters in the closet)

Which meant at bedtime we would have to do a thorough search of the bedroom, to insure that the room was free of any monsters that might emerge with rifles and shoot him.

Chtypimanychtophobia- fear of things that go bump in the night

10 % Acrophobia - fear of heights

For me it is not so much a fear of height as it is a fear of falling. And its not the fall I fear, it's the sudden stop when I hit the ground.

Related fears:
Corpulophobia - fear of widths.
Bathophobia - fear of depth.

That should cover all dimensions.

7.9 % Sociophobia - fear of people or social situations

6.5 % Aerophobia - fear of flying

I do not like to fly.

Which is odd when you know that I was in the Air Force.

But I don't like to fly, for a variety of reasons covered in a previous blog entry. The main reason is I don't want to die in an airline crash. Or worse yet, survive a crash only to live the rest of my life horribly mangled and disfigured. Statistically speaking, one is more likely to die in an auto accident, but I have never heard of an auto wreck that occurred because it fell 30,000 feet.

2.5 % Claustrophobia - fear of confined spaces

2.2 % Agoraphobia - fear of open spaces

2.0 % Brontophobia - fear of thunder and lightning

 

Critterphobia:

Zoophobia - fear of animals

Spiders and insects are the most popular

or rather: the most unpopular

but snakes, reptiles, rodents, and other creep critters are also commonly feared. 50% of phobiacs fear insects (entomophobia), snakes (ophidiophobia), or birds (ornithophobia).

Birds?

Maybe Angry Birds.

Macky Rae enjoys science fiction,

"1950s Era Black and White Giant

Insect Films," and Zombie Flicks.

Critters, especially giant insect and spiders (but other enlarge critters as well) have been used in cinema as the baddies in some scary movies, especially during the 1950s. Usually, these ginormous bugs (and other) are the result of radiation (or some other human caused eco-damage).

I watched these as a child - even the ones about spiders. They almost always had a scene where the hero and the heroine are running from a giant bug of some sort, and she trips and sprains her ankle.

Because she is running in high heels.

He turns, but she urges him to "save himself." But he runs back to her, picks her up and carries her - usually just as the bug is about to get her.

If it was me, I'd leave her there for the bug.

But if a ginormous bug was chasing me, and I sprained my ankle, I bet you I could hop very fast.

Especially if it was a ginormous spider

Roar!!!
I is a Lion!

Agrizoophobia - fear of wild animals (a branch of zoophobia)

Leophobia - Fear of Lions
Tigrophobia - Fear of Tigers
Arkoudaphobia - Fear of Bears

Leotigroarloudaphobia - Fear of Lions, Tigers, and Bears

(Oh, my)

Cynophobia - fear of dogs

Totophobia - and your little dog too.

Oz never gave nothing to the Tinman,

That he didn't already have.

Ailurophobia - fear of cats.

Melanoailurophobia - fear of black cats

Apiphobia - fear of bees

Batrachophobia - fear of amphibians

Entomophobia - fear of insects

Mottephobia - fear of butterflies and/or moths

Equinophobia, hippophobia - fear of horses

Ichthyophobia - fear of fish

Fish???

Autodysomophobia
fear of one that has a vile odor

Mephitophobia - fear of skunks

Actually, nobody is really afraid of skunks, per se. You never hear about somebody getting mauled by wild skunks. What one is afraid of is getting stunked.

FREEDOM: Stunked? SARAH: Is that even a word? Yes, it is the past tense of stinked.

Some years back, I was invited to a friends birthday party...

I didn't have my car at the time (transmission issues) which was a good thing because when you celebrate Keith's birthday...

Yes, my redneck buddy keith

...you are expected to drink. Which I did.

So I had to walk home. It wasn't that far, maybe a 30-40 minute walk, assuming you took the shortcut through the park down by the river (which I did).

Critters live down by the river.

I was walking down a dirt roadand as I came around the turn, I suddenly found myself face to face (so to speak) with a skunk.

Fearless Farris

He was about 2-3 feet away from me, and his tail was up.

I was fealing the autodysomophobia.

So, in my alcohol muddled brain, I decided to reason with him.

Yes, with the Skunk.

"Look, dude" I told him. "I'm not going to mess with you. I'm just going home, and it looks like you are too. So there is no need to stink me. Lets just keep walking and go home."

The skunk (seemed) pondered my request for a moment, then dropped his tail and continued walking - brushing up against my pant leg as he went past me.

I stood there for a moment, stunned.

If that skunk didn't understand what I told him, he sure acted as if he did.

Musophobia - fear of mice and/or rats

Ophidiophobia - fear of snakes

This may be the result of Genesis, because the snake enticed Eve to eat the forbidden fruit.

According to Genesis, chapter 3 verses 14 & 15:
And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

Herpetophobia - fear of reptiles

Leporiphobia - fear of rabbits.

Rabbits? Who is afraid of Rabbits?

Former president Jimmy Carter for one:

The Jimmy Carter rabbit incident, dubbed the "killer rabbit" attack by the media, involved a swamp rabbit that swam toward President Jimmy Carter's fishing boat on April 20, 1979. The incident caught press imagination after Carter's press secretary mentioned the event to a correspondent months later.

The Rabbit of Caerbannog from
Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Carter had gone on a solo fishing expedition in his hometown of Plains, Georgia. According to the former president, a rabbit being chased by hounds "jumped in the water and swam toward my boat. When he got almost there, I splashed some water with a paddle."

Upon returning to his office, Carter's staff did not believe his story, insisting that rabbits couldn't swim, or that they would never approach a person threateningly. The incident was captured on footage taken by a White House photographer.

Heffalumpandwoozlephobia

As a pup, Macky Rae had Leporiphobia - a side effect from the "Old Yeller Incident." In the panic, he misunderstood what was said, and thought that the reason the dog was shot was because he had "rabbits" (instead of rabies). I tried to correct him, be he was in too much shock to listen.

Latter, he took a stffed bunny he got for Easter and buried it in the back yard.

Just to be safe.

Ranidaphobia - fear/dislike of frogs

Scoleciphobia - fear of worms

Selachophobia - fear of sharks


Potty Break?



Paruresis
fear of urinating
in public places

Paruresis is a type of phobia in which the sufferer is unable to urinate in the (real or imaginary) presence of others, such as in a public restroom. The analogous condition that affects bowel movement is called parcopresis.

Some people have brief, isolated episodes of urinary difficulty in situations where other people are in close proximity. Paruresis, however, goes beyond simple shyness, embarrassment, fear of exposure, or fear of being judged for not being able to urinate. Other people may find that they are unable to urinate while in moving vehicles, or are fixated on the sounds of their urination in quiet restrooms or residential settings. In severe cases, a person with paruresis can urinate only when alone at home or through the process of catheterization.

Although most sufferers report that they developed the condition in their teenage years, it can strike at any age. Also, because of the differing levels of severity from one person to another, some people's first experience of the problem is when, for the first time, they "lock up" attempting to produce a sample for a drug test. Many women are unaware that they, too, are subject to paruresis; articles about women and urination emphasize other female urinary dysfunctions, such as urinary incontinence or frequent urination.

Some people cope by deliberately holding in their urine, by refraining from drinking liquids, or locating unoccupied or single-occupancy public bathrooms.

Some just try and hold it in.

       

I have a friend (female) who does not like to use public restrooms, not out of any fear of embarrassment. Her fear - actually not really a fear - her "issue" is that all to often the public restrooms are "disgustingly filthy." (Her words)

I always thought that women would keep their restrooms cleaner.

I was informed that this is not always the case.

But what interested me was how she could come and drink coffee and not have to visit the little girl's room at least once.

"Over the years" she informed me "I have developed awesome bladder control."

More Fears:

Panphobia
fear of everything

Acrophobia - fear of heights

Corpulophobia - fear of widths.
Bathophobia - fear of depth.

That should cover all dimensions.

Agoraphobia - fear of open spaces.

Claustrophobia - fear of closed spaces.

Agroclaustrophobia - fear of open AND closed spaces

Having both agrora- and claustrophobia would be a real bummer

Coulrophobia - Fear of clowns.

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Coulrophobia
Fear of clowns

Some people do not like clowns, and not just evil clowns

but notorious clown figures in literature (Pennywise in It) and real life (John Wayne Gacy) do not help matters.

According to a psychology professor at California State University, Northridge, young children are "very reactive to a familiar body type with an unfamiliar face".

Clowns are often disliked by children. A study found that the children often did not like clown décor in the hospital or physicians' office settings. Some found the clown images to be quite frightening and unknowable. Researchers who have studied the phobia believe there is some correlation to the uncanny valley effect.

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Homophobia - fear of homosexuals

Hobophobia - fear of Tramps

Hispanophobia - fear of Mexicans

Hispanochibophobia - fear of Mexican food

Dentophobia - fear of dentists and dental procedures

Nosocomephobia - fear of hospitals

25% fear the dentist as oposes to 15% who fear hospitals

Nosophobia - fear of contracting a disease

Venereanosophobia - fear of contracting an STD

Trypanophobia - Fear of injection or medical needles

Stygiophobia - fear of Hell

Uranophobia - fear of heaven

Demonophobia - fear of demons

Angelophobia - fear of Angels

Ecclesiophobia - fear of churches

Diabolophobia - fear of Satan

Theophobia - fear of God

Astraphobia - fear that God is going to smite you with a bolt of lightning.

This fear can be cured by stopping whatever it is you are doing that you believe God is going to smite you for.

Atheophobia - fear of atheists

Zilotiphobia - fear of fanatical Christians.

Evangeliophobia - fear of born again Christians.

Evangelioportaphobia - fear of born again Christians at you door.

Not restricted to just Jehovah Witnesses and Mormons

Triskaidekaphobia - fear of the number 13 Friggatriskaidekaphobia - fear of Friday the 13th

Kruegerphobia

Like all cheesy horrow flicks, this blog entry will have a sequal

To be continued.

Latine Canini (Latin for Dogs)

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latrare, ergo sum
(I bark, therefor I am)

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Tota Graeca mihi.
It all Greek to me.

Latin is an ancient Italic language originally spoken in Ancient Rome. Although it is considered a dead language, many modern languages are in fact living continuations of this language, and Latin is still used in the creation of new words in modern languages of many different families, including English, and in biological taxonomy. 

Latin has been considered a language spoken by scholarly people. Ironically, during the Roman Empire (when Latin was spoken as a living language), Greek was the language of the educated.

For the longest time, Latin was required as part of a schools curriculum, even as early as grammar school. This practice continued into the 20th century, until someone asked "Why do we need to learn Latin? When will we ever encounter an ancient Roman?"

Academia held firm, primarily for the reason of quod semper fuit sic (it has always been thus), but eventually, they conceded that education would be better served by learning a more practical, living language. Like Spanish.

Latin is not entirely a dead language. It is still taught in some primary, secondary and post-secondary educational institutions around the world, and many students, scholars, and members of the Roman Catholic clergy speak it fluently.

It is interesting that the "official" language of the church is Latin, considering its founder was a the son of a Jewish carpenter who spoke Hebrew.

Ars Gratia Artis
Art for art's sake

FYI: I discovered there is a "Dog Latin." Also known as mock Latin, Canis Latinicus, and other names, it refers to the creation of a phrase or jargon in imitation of Latin, often by "translating" English words (or those of other languages) into Latin by conjugating or declining them as if they were Latin words. Sometimes "Dog Latin" can mean a poor-quality genuine attempt at writing in Latin. Dog Latin is used, inter alia, by art directors, advertising agencies, publishers, etc. to present advertisement and page layouts for appearance and balance, and not meant to be read.

This blog entry is Dog Latin

Henry N. Beard (an American humorist and one of the founders of the magazine National Lampoon) is the author of several best-selling humor books, which include French for Cats and Latin for All Occasions. Stealing borrowing an idea from Henry, me and my dogs wish to present:

Latine Canini (Latin for Dogs)

Latina verba et locutii pro vestri canis

Latin words and phrases for your dog


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Verborum Sententiarumque

(Words and Phrases)

Sedere! Veni! Mane! Manibus excutiam! Voluto! Ludere mortuis! bono cane malum cani non crustulum

Sit! Come! Stay! Shake hands! Roll over! Play dead! good dog bad dog no biscuit

ego odi feles feles stolidis canes regula! numerus unum numerus duo canis cibum aquatio

I hate cats Cats are stupid Dogs rule! number one number two dog food fresh water

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 Proverbium
(Proverbs)

Hominis est amicus canem.

A man's best friend is his dog.

Canis manducare canis.
Dog eat dog.

Ratem morsu deterior.

His bark is worse than his bite.

Sit canes dormientes mendacium.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Omnis canis est dies ejus.

Every dog has his day.

Da canis os.
Give the dog a bone.

Qui dormierit cum canum resurrecturum pulices.

Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas.

Rabidarum canum solum Angli et egredieris in meridie sol.

Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun.

Clamate stragemque! et dimit canibus qyutit.
Cry havoc! and let loose the dogs of war.

Non cani, quanta est in pugna belli molem in canis est.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

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Canis suus vita

Ecce Canis
Behold the dog

(It's a dog's life)

Volo ire extra.

I want to go outside.

 

Ego postulo... ad mio /assidere.

I need to...  urinate /defecate.

 

Antonius! Non bibere de latrinum! Quod crassum est!

Tony! Don't drink out of the toilet! That's gross!

Tibus tibi tollere grabatum a magistro domum mox erit.

Get your butt off the couch, the master will be home soon.

Non licet in dolor.
You are not allowed on the furniture.
Si te nulla rapit, vos mos adepto flagellari.

If he catches you up there, you will get whipped.

---

Cave Canem
Beware of the dog

Subitis

(Emergency)


Omnis absconde! Auceps canis est adventum!

Everyone hide! The dog catcher is coming!

Flavii transitu curru percussus platea.

Flavius was hit by a chariot while crossing the street.

Novem Unum unum appellamus!

Call nine one one!

Ego vix mephtis. Balineum opus est.

I scared a skunk. I need a bath.

Currere! Demens canis!

Run! Mad dog!
 

---

Victus

(Food)

Ego similis suilla /pullum /bubulae.

I like pork /chicken /beef.

Ego diligentes callum!

I love bacon!

Crustulum!

Cookies!

Esurio. Prandium est cum tempore?

I'm hungry. When is lunch time?

Prandium est delectamentum. Cum suus prandium tempus?

Lunch was delicious. When's dinner time?

---

Veni, Vidi, Latravi
(I came, I saw, I barked)

Veterinarius

(Veterinary & Medical)


No! No! Veterinarius ire nolo!

No! No! I don't want to go to the veterinarian!

Tu exaudies de Iulius? Testiculorum eius perierit!

Have you hear about Julius? He got neutered!

Diligenter circa Maximus.

Be careful around Max.

Habet (pulices /pediculus /scabies /inritatio /hydrophobia).

He has (fleas /lice /mange /distemper /rabies).

Quod est canis anorexic? Non est leporarius.

Is that dog anorexic? No she is a greyhound.

Demetrius ​​habuerunt ponere dormire.

They had to put Demetrius to sleep.
Erat senex valde. Humanum factu fuit.
He was very old. It was the humane thing to do.

Paenitet testes tuos, Iulius.

Sorry about your testicles, Julius.

---

Hospitii et Recreatio

(Entertainment and Recreation)



Nobilis Canes
Noble Hounds

Habuimus tempus ad coliseum hodie.
We had  good time at the coliseum today.

Observabant leonum devorabit nos Christianos.
We watched lions devour Christians.

Heri deambulabat in pomerio.

Yesterday we went for a walk in the park.

Crastino nos...
... venabuntur.
... persequatur feles.
... corticibus in tabellarius. 
... servi mordebit.

Tomorrow we will...

... go hunting.

... chase cats.
... bark at the mailman.
... we will bite a slave.

---

Qui Flatus? 

Culpam in Cane
Blame the Dog

(Who Farted?)

 

Per Deos! Quid est quod odoratus?

By the Gods! What is that smell?

Antonius! Ut noxium fuit!

Quod dominus pascentium vobis?

Tony! That was gross!

What is the master feeding you?

Non erat mecum. Erat canis.

It wasn't me. It was the dog.

Tu canis!

You are the dog!

Quis aperire fenestram.

Someone open a window.

---

Artis
(The Arts)

Estis in tribulation!

You are in trouble!

Fregisti armis!

You broke the arms off!

Vestibulum domini erat simulacrum.

That was the master's favorite statue.

Sicut servus autem cædam vos.

He will beat you like a slave.

---

Erimus remit cum in Pompeianum

nostrum dominae.

We will be relaxing in Pompeii

with our mistress.

Suus a bellus locum ad visendum,

nolim tamen illic uiuere

It's a nice place to visit,

but I would not want to live there.

Peregrinari

(Travel)

Familia Flavio Ceperuntque canes ad Hispanias.

The Flavius family took there dogs to Spain.

Audio suus pulchellus, sed numquam fui ibi.

I hear it's pretty, but I've never been.

Transivimus per mare.
We travelled by sea.
Sicut canis ego quasi male.
I was as sick as a dog.
Ego emicantem in triremem ancilla.

I vomited on a galley slave.

Nolite intrare Aegyptum. Ibi colunt feles!

Don't go to Egypt. They worship cats there!

Athenis, canis homini optimus amicus est.

A dog is not a man's best friend in Athens.

Antonius minxit Acropolis. Numquam ita oneris vita.

Tony urinated on the Acropolis. I was never so embarrassed in whole life.

---

Miscellaneous

(Miscellaneous)

Ave, Dominus. Trahere pede!

Hey, Master. Pull my paw!

Throughout history, languages have come and gone, and it is probable that English, too, will go the way of Latin and Greek. In the year 3000AD, someone will ask "Why do we need to learn English? When will we ever encounter a Ancient American?"

Academia will hold firm, primarily for the reason of quod semper fuit sic (it has always been thus), but eventually, they will concede that education will be better served by learning a more practical, living language. Like Tralfamadorean.





Antonius, portet te mio super omnia Romam?

Tony, must you pee on everything in Rome?



Much of the clipart used on this blog entry is courtesy of Phillip Martin.



Delicatus Asinum!

Nice Ass!