Yes First Sergeant, I belive in Santa Claus.

Upon entering the room, we noticed evidence that our room had been entered by someone besides us (we were elsewhere, drinking).

The "evidence" was Christmas stockings, one on each of our beds.

And who is "we?"

We is myself (your humble storyteller) and my (then - then being December of '85) roommate, Senior Airmen Stan "the Batman" Jackson.

Ok, let me back this story up a bit.

"Batman" Jackson, my roomate was a Radar technician assigned to my unit - the (now deactivated) 1923 communications group on (the now closed) Kellys AFB in San Antonio, Texas - which I believe is still open. I had known him from training in Biloxi (Keesler AFB Mississippi ), so this was our 2nd assignment together.

Stan was a colorful character, but what was most interesting was that he bore a striking resemblance to the comic strip character Andy Capp when he was out of uniform (or even when he was in uniform), especially when he wore the hat!

Stan's preferred beverage was "Bat Juice" - Rum and coke, specifically Bacardi and Coke (for those who don't know, Bacardi has a logo of a bat on the bottle, hence the name "Bat Juice" for Bacardi and Coke), which is how he earned the name "the Batman" (had nothing to do with the comic book hero).

So it was Christmas eve, 1985. Like a lot of GIs,  then and now, we were away from our friends and families at Christmas time...

Well, not entirely true. We had each other. You'd have to have been in the military to completely understabd, but the guys you served with were more than just co-workers, they were your military family.

So Christmas eve, after finishing the duty day we went to our room to watch the Thundercats...

Yes, Stan and I were fans of the Thundercats. Stan had a crush on Cheetara.

...and then went down for food at the chow hall, where Stan and I contemplated what to do with our evening.

It was a short contemplation. The answer was the Airman's Club. It was downstairs, which meant we didn't need to drive anywhere, which meant we could drink as much as we wanted because we didn't have to worry about DUI coming back from wherever we weren't going to go. And since Christmas was a non-duty day, the Club would be open until 2am - 4 extra drinking hours!

Now, it's not as bad as you might think. The Club had a Christmas eve buffet, there was dancing, a pool tournament and other games. Stan and I played darts...

"Real" darts, with steel tips. Not those plastic tips they use now - we lived dangerously back then.

It was actually a rather nice event. It wasn't just heavy drinking, it was moderate.

OK, it was more than moderate. But we weren't driving, OK?

At 2am the club closed and we all left. Stan and I went upstairs to our room, and that's where we come to the part of my story that I started this blog entry with.

Upon entering the room, we noticed evidence that our room had been entered by someone besides us (we were elsewhere, drinking).

The "evidence" was Christmas stockings, one on each of our beds.

Stan went over to his bed and picked up the stocking, examined it, the looked at me and said "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot."

That isn't actually what he said. What he actually said was something more colloquial.

Those who were in the military know what Whiskey Tango Foxtrot means (and what the Batman actually said).

We examined our stockings. They were the mesh type you could get at any store, full of nuts and candy. Nice gift, I suppose, except there was no tag that said Merry Christmas from whoever.

Was it possible that there really was a Santa Claus?

The next morning (Christmas morning) the Batman and I went down to the chow hall for breakfast, where we were joined by David "Mac" McLaughlin. Stan and I were talking about the stockings and I had just said "I'd like to know where those stocking came from" when he sat down.

"You guys got a stocking too?" he asked.

Upon returning to his room, Mac had found a stocking on his bed. So did, we discovered,  everyone else in the barracks.

Could Santa be real?

The chow hall had a rather nice dinner for us later that day - turkey AND ham, plus a wide assortment of side dishes like stuffing, mashed potato and gravy, salads (green, potato, and fruit salads), sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, assorted nuts, and a variety of holiday pies. All and all, not a bad way to spend Christmas.

And after dinner? The Airman's Club. But only until 10 as the 26th was a duty day.

Oh, and where did the stockings come from? According to Jack Bishop, the dorm supervisor, our First Sergeant intercepted him Christmas Eve coming back from a date with his girlfriend. He (the First Sergeant) was full of the Christmas spirit (literally - Jack said he was afraid to light a cigarette because of the whiskey fumes) and after Jack got out the master dorm room key, the two of them went from room to room distributing four cases of Christmas stockings which the First Sergeant had apparently purchased earlier that day which he had stored in the back of his car.

Merry Christmas, sir.

The first Noel

The following is (loosely) based on the accounts as recorded in the second chapter of the Gospel of St. Luke:

Dramatis Personae
Jacob - head Shepherd
Nathan - Shepherd
Caleb - Apprentice Shepherd
"Eddie" - Angel of the Lord
Host of Angels - Choir and Musicians

Time: 1AD (around 2am)

Scene: A Shepherd camp in a pasture near Bethlehem (the one in Israel, not the one in Pennsylvania). Two shepherds are sitting around a fire.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. [Luke 2:8]

NATHAN: Damn, it is cold.

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: I need something to warm me up. Is there anymore wine left?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: Let me have some.

CALEB: We're suppose to be watching the sheep.

NATHAN: So?

CALEB: Jacob don't like us drinking when we're watching the sheep

NATHAN: Yeah? Well Jacob is sound asleep in the tent. He ain't going to know unless someone tells him.

CALEB: I ain't no snitch.

NATHAN: Then pass over that wine.

CALEB: I don't think we should be drinking. We need to be alert.

NATHAN: Alert for what?

CALEB: What if a wolf shows up?

NATHAN: There ain't no wolves around here.

CALEB: Or a coyote.

NATHAN: A coyote?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: There can't be coyotes around here. Coyotes are only found in the new world, and the new world won't be discovered for another 1500 years.

CALEB: Really?

NATHAN: Really. Now hand over the wine.

[Caleb removes a wineskin from the bag and hands it to Nathan, who takes a drink. He hands the wine back to Caleb, who starts to drink then suddenly stops and looks around.]
       
CALEB: What was that?

NATHAN: What was what?

CALEB: I heard a noise.

NATHAN: It was probably just the wind.

CALEB: Maybe.

[Caleb starts to take a drink, then stops again.]

CALEB: There! Did you here that?

NATHAN: Hear what?

CALEB: That noise. It might be a wild animal

NATHAN: I don't hear nothing.

CALEB: It's a bear! Can't you hear it?

NATHAN: That's not a bear. That's Jacob snoring.

CALEB: It coming from out in the pasture. There is something out there.

NATHAN: There's nothing out there but sheep.

CALEB: There might be a wild animal...

NATHAN: Caleb, I'm telling you. There is nothing... Wait a minute.

CALEB: What?

NATHAN: I heard something.

CALEB: I told you!

NATHAN: It's coming this way.

CALEB: It's a wolf!

NATHAN: I told you, there are no wolves around here.

CALEB: It's a coyote!!!

NATHAN: It is not!

CALEB: Maybe it's a lion

NATHAN: Will you stop with the animals?

CALEB: It's coming into the camp!

[Nathan and Caleb stand up, both of them brandishing shepherd crooks.]

NATHAN: Halt!

CALEB: Who goes there?

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. [Luke2 :9]

[Enter: ANGEL of the Lord]

ANGEL: Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

NATHAN: Who are you?

ANGEL: I am the angel of the Lord.  I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall...

NATHAN: Wait a minute. You're an angel?

ANGEL: Verily, I am.

NATHAN: Can you prove that? Do you have ID or something?

ANGEL: Well, no, but...

CALEB: Where are your wings?

ANGEL: My what?

CALEB: Wings. Angels have wings.

ANGEL: Actually they don't.

CALEB: They don't?

ANGEL: No.

CALEB: That's what they told us in Sabbath school.

ANGEL: They told you wrong.

NATHAN: So, if you are an angel, why are you here?

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

NATHAN: Good tidings?

ANGEL: Good tidings indeed. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.

CALEB: Why is he talking like that?  

NATHAN: I don't know. Maybe that's how angel's talk.

ANGEL: And this shall be a sign unto you...

NATHAN: Wait a minute. I'm not saying you're lying, but how do we know you are telling the truth?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: Can you prove your an angel?

CALEB: Yeah. Prove it.

ANGEL: Prove it?

NATHAN: Yeah. Do something that shows us your legit.

CALEB: Yeah. Show us something angelic.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. [Luke 2:13-14]

CALEB: Holy @#$%!!!

NATHAN: Who are all these people?

ANGEL: This is the multitude of the heavenly host. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

NATHAN: Yeah? Well your multitude just scared the @#$% out of our sheep.

CALEB: They scared the @#$% out of me!

NATHAN: It will takes us all night to round them all up

CALEB: They're everywhere.

JACOB: [From inside the tent] What's going on out there???

CALEB: Now we're in trouble.

[Enter: JACOB]

JACOB: What's going on out here? [Looking at the ANGEL] Who is this man?

NATHAN: He says he is the angel of the Lord.

JACOB: Which lord?

NATHAN: THE Lord.

JACOB: You mean God?

NATHAN: Yeah.

JACOB: Why is he here?

NATHAN: He says he has a message

JACOB: From God?

NATHAN: I think so.

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

JACOB: Why is he talking like that? 

NATHAN: I don't know 

CALEB: Maybe that's how angels talk.

ANGEL: For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

NATHAN: City of David? 

CALEB: Where's that? 

JACOB: He probably means Jerusalem.

ANGEL: Nay. I meaneth Bethlehem.

CALEB: Bethlehem?? 

NATHAN: The Messiah is in Bethlehem?

JACOB: Why is the Messiah in Bethlehem?

ANGEL: It was prophesized in in the book of Micah: "But thou, Bethlehem, though thou be little among the thousands of Judah, yet out of thee shall he come forth unto me that is the ruler in Israel, whose goings forth have been from of old, from everlasting." [Micah 5:2]

NATHAN: Little is a good description of Bethlehem. 

CALEB: They don't get littlier than that.

[JACOB looks around]

JACOB:  Hey! Wait a minute. Where are all the sheep?

NATHAN: They ran off.

JACOB: What??

CALEB: It wasn't our fault Jake.

NATHAN: It was his fault

JACOB: Who's fault?

NATHAN: His. The angel of the Lord. While he was telling us about the Messiah and the city of David, a bunch of those angel fellows showed up and started singing and playing music...

CALEB: There were a lot of them.

NATHAN: ..and it scared the @#$% out of the sheep...

CALEB: It scared the @#$% out of me

NATHAN: ...and the sheep scattered.

JACOB: OK, let me get this straight. This guy shows up, says he's an angel, then more angels showed up and scared the sheep?

NATHAN: That's right

CALEB: It's true!

[JACOB turns and glares at the angel]

JACOB: Look, uh... What is your name?

ANGEL: I am the angel of the Lord.

JACOB: Do you have a real name?

ANGEL: It's Eddie.

NATHAN: Eddie?? 

CALEB: What kind of name for an angel is that?

JACOB: Look, Eddie. You can't just come in and scare off my flock.

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy...

JABOB: Yeah, yeah. So you are the angel of the Lord?

ANGEL: Verily.

JACOB: Show me an I.D.

ANGEL: I.D.?

NATHAN: We asked him that.

CALEB: He ain't got ID.

JACOB: Well, I need something to prove your really an angel of the Lord.

CALEB: Uh-oh.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

JACOB: Holy @#$%!!!

NATHAN: That's what I said.

JACOB: No wonder the sheep ran off. That must have scared the @#$% out of them.

CALEB: It scared the @#$% out of me!

NATHAN: What do you think, Jake? Is he legit?

JACOB: He might be. That was a pretty good trick.

CALEB: Maybe we should go check it out, just to see if it's true or not.

JACOB: Good Idea. Hey, Eddie, how do we find the Messiah?

ANGEL: And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

JACOB: Babe?

NATHAN: Swaddling clothes?

CALEB: What are swaddling clothes?

NATHAN: Diapers.

JACOB: The messiah is a baby?

ANGEL: Verily.

CALEB: What does "verily" mean? 

NATHAN: It means "true."

JACOB: How is a baby suppose to help?

NATHAN: He is a baby.

CALEB: In swaddling clothes.

JACOB: How can a baby do anything.

ANGEL: He will increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

NATHAN: And then he will save us rom the Romans?

ANGEL: The Savior is not her to help you against the Romans.

JACOB: Then why is he here?

ANGEL: To save mankind from sin.

JACOB: [Contemplating] Well, I suppose that is important too.

NATHAN: What about it, Jake. Do you think its true?

JACOB: Well, it seems a bit odd. Especially the babe in a manger part.

CALEB: In swaddling clothes.

JACOB: But Eddie here seems to be telling the truth.

NATHAN: Maybe we should go to Bethlehem, and see for ourselves.

JACOB: Good idea. So Eddie, you're sure the Messiah is in Bethlehem? Not Jerusalem?

ANGEL: Bethlehem.

JOSIAH: Well, come on then, let's go into Bethlehem and find the Messiah so we can adore him.

CALEB: Adore him?

NATHAN: He means go check him out.

ANGEL: I Shall leadeth the way

JACOB: Not so fast. You're not going anywhere. You and your angel buddies are going to round up all the sheep that you scattered. And no music!

NATHAN: It scares the @#$% out of the sheep.

CALEB: It scares the @#$% out of me.

ANGEL: But...

JACOB: No buts! You're the reason the sheep scattered, so you can round them up while we go to Bethlehem.

ANGEL: But...

JACOB: Look, pal. Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry. Now start collecting sheep!

ANGEL: Yes, sir.

JACOB: OK, let's go.

CALEB: Hey, Jake. If this really is the Messiah, we should bring him a present.

JACOB: Good idea.

NATHAN: Where do we get presents at this time of night?

JACOB: There's a convenience store on the main street thats open 24 hours.

NATHAN: Convenience store? What kind of presents can you get there?

JACOB: They got disposable diapers.

NATHAN: Diapers? What kind of a gift is that?

JACOB: Well, the angel did say the Messiah was a baby.

NATHAN: Good point.

JACOB: And they got cigars

CALEB: For a baby?

JACOB: Not for a baby you schdimwit. For the father, uh... what's his name??

ANGEL: Joseph

JACOB: What about the mother? What can we get her?

CALEB: I know. Chocolate!

JACOB: Oh, yeah. If there is something women like, it's chocolate.

[Exit: Shepherds]

Christmas 2014: Waffles and Eggnog

One Christmas, when I was on the street, I received a gift bag full of assorted goodies from a charitable group of people. It included toiletries, candy, and a bag of microwave popcorn.

For be it for me to be ungrateful, but who gives microwave popcorn to homeless people?


Some years ago, I wrote a winter haiku:

Cold wind and gray sky
Snow that falls and turns to slush
Tri-Cities' half-ass winter

For those of you who live in the Tri-Cites (Washington) area, you understand this.

Carol of the Dogs

On the night of the 21st, around 6:30 or so. There was a knock on my door, and when I opened it, I discovered my dogs.

They were waffling, which has become a tradition in our household.

Regular readers of this blog are aware from a previous blog entry (The Bureau of Holiday Affairs) that that waffling is actually wassailing (or caroling). Macky Rae couldn't pronounce wassailing when he was younger.

This year instead of tinsel, wrapping paper, and lights, the dogs wore there Gay Pride shirts, gifts from our neighbors Alice and Gertrude last June for going to the Gay Pride parade.

Your dogs were at a Gay Pride day?

Now we don our gay apparel
fa-la-la fa-la-la la-la-la

Yes. They are very social conscious, and they went in support of their friend, Max (yes, a dog friend), who came out this spring.

So what does Gay Pride shirts have to do with waffling?

I had the same questions, and like I fool I asked.

SARAH: It's the only "gay apparel" that we own. 

The dogs serenaded me (and the neighbors) with there repertoire of holiday favorites. This year's selection was:

• Bark, the Herald Angels Sing
• Joy to the Squirrels (the dogs have come)
• God Rest Ye Merry, Gentledogs
• Good King Whats-His-Name (my dogs can't pronounce Wenceslaus, but neither can I)
• Oh, Christmas Tree  (being dogs, they like trees)
• Santa Paws is Coming to Town
• We Three Dogs (from West Richland are)
• and the always popular We Wish You a Merry Christmas

We Wish You a Merry Christmas is popular with my dogs, as it entails a treat ("now bring us some figgy pudding"). You may recall from last year - The Bureau of Holiday Affairs (Part 1) - we were unable to procure figgy pudding so we substitutes beef jerky.

This, also, has become a tradition.

This year, the "figgy pudding" verse was substituted with the following:

Now bring us some beefy jerky
Now bring us some beefy jerky
Now bring us some beefy jerky
And a cup of good cheer.

So after the singing, I invited the dogs in for "beefy jerky" and a "cup of good cheer".

The cup of good cheer was my homemade eggnog.

They consumed the Jerky, and several cups of good cheer eggnog, and promptly passed out.

And that's when Joi (the girlfriend) showed up.

I gave her a "Cup of Good Cheer" to warm her up.

JOI: Why are the dogs asleep?

ME: They're passed out from too much eggnog.

JOI: You gave the dogs eggnog???

It wasn't the eggnog that worried her, it was the liberal amount of rum I traditionally put into my homemade eggnog. 

ME: Relax. They didn't get any rum in theirs.

JOI: Then why are they passed out?

ME: They think they got rum in their eggnog.

The power of suggestion.

Wassail, Wassail, all over the town.

  

Instead of sharing my recipe for Eggnog, let me share the recipe of our first president:

Party on, George! George Washington's Christmas Eggnog Here is a recipe from our first President, in the exact words they were written by George Washington himself. "One quart cream, one quart milk, one dozen tablespoons sugar, one pint brandy, 1/2 pint rye whiskey, 1/2 pint Jamaica rum, 1/4 pint sherry—mix liquor first, then separate yolks and whites of eggs, add sugar to beaten yolks, mix well. Add milk and cream, slowly beating. Beat whites of eggs until stiff and fold slowly into mixture. Let set in cool place for several days. Taste frequently."

Wassail (Old Norse "ves heil", Old English "was hál", literally 'be you healthy') refers both to the salute 'Waes Hail' and to the drink of wassail, a hot mulled cider traditionally drunk as an integral part of wassailing, a medieval southern English drinking ritual intended to ensure a good cider apple harvest the following year. The phrase found first use as a simple greeting, but the Danish-speaking inhabitants of England seem to have turned "was hail", and the reply "drink hail", into a drinking formula adopted widely by the indigenous population of England. How far the tradition of wassailing dates back is unknown, but it has connections with Anglo-Saxon and Danish traditions - thus wassailing likely predates the Norman conquest in 1066.

In recent times, the toast has come to be synonymous with Christmas, but since Christianity gradually replaced the indigenous Anglo-Saxon religion around the 7th and 8th centuries, there is no evidence that the traditional ceremony of wassailing is Christian in origin.

A Traditional Wassail Recipe Recipe makes 12 servings 2 quarts apple cider 2 cups orange juice 1/2 cup lemon juice 12 whole cloves 4 cinnamon sticks 1 pinch ground ginger 1 pinch ground nutmeg In a slow-cooker or a large pot over low heat, combine apple cider, orange juice and lemon juice. Season with cloves, ginger and nutmeg. Bring to a simmer. If using a slow cooker, allow to simmer all day. Serve hot.

We had a wonder Christmas time. Everyone (including dogs) met at Amy and Brian's for Christmas dinner (and the traditional pumpkin pie).

There was actually more canines at this dinner than humans.

We all had a good time.

And with that thought, I sign off.

To family, friends, and loyal readers of the Dancing with Dogs blog:

Yule and Noel, and a Happy New Year!

from my dogs: Freedom, Sarah, Macky Rae, and (our newest addition to the crew) Reba.

On Being Santa

Skyping Father Christmas? Things have
changed from the days when I was a kid.
 

Perhaps skyping is better than
Macky's "encounter" with Santa
last year. (You can read about that
from a previous blog entry:
A visit with St. Nick)

Now that Thanksgiving has passed, we may now turn our attention to the Christmas Season.

Provided, of course, that everyone adheres to the holiday guidelines established by the Bureau of Holiday Affairs.

I came home and found Macky Rae (my youngest dog) busy with something on the computer.
 

ME: What are you doing?

 

MACKY: Getting my Christmas list ready for Santa.

 

ME: Are you going to send him a letter?

 

MACKY: No, I'm going to email it to him.

Making a list and spellchecking it twice, no doubt.

ME: I suppose you are going to want me to take you to the mall.

 

MACKY: For what?

 

ME: To see Santa.

 

MACKY: We do not need to go to the mall.

 

ME: You don't want to see him?

 

MACKY: I do.

 

ME: Then how are you going to do that if we don't go to the mall?

 

MACKY: I'm going to Skype him.

 

 

 

I don't exactly know what Macky Rae wants for Christmas. His "list" is on the computer, but I don't know his password, so I will need to go in through a backdoor (thanks to administrative functions) and see if I can extract his list. But I do know that he would really (really) like the expansion pack for

ZombieLand™

Regular readers of this blog are aware the Macky Rae likes computer games. His favorite is ZombieLand™ which he has been playing for over two years.

The other dogs are easy. Freedom (my oldest) wants some R&B CDs. Sarah (my female) wants an MP3 player (with dog friendly earphones).

 

When I was a child, I wanted "Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time."

I never got one.

My mother told me I would shoot my eye out.

1881 illustration by Thomas

Nast who, along with Clement

Clarke Moore's poem "A

Visit from St. Nicholas",

helped to create the modern

image of Santa Claus.

Believe it or not, one year I was actually hired to be a mall Santa Claus.

It's true!

The people in charge of Santa in the Mall approached me and offered me a seasonal job as Santa Clause. As it paid better than my day job, I accepted.

Those of you who know me (in person) know that I am nowhere near what anyone would expect St. Nick to look like. Although I am not exactly skinny (I am 6'3" and weight about 170#), my body hardy resembles the traditional depiction of St. Nicholas as a portly gentleman.

But with the assistance of stuffing removed from several pillows, the Head Elf and her assistant (Elf #1) managed to inflate the Santa outfit that I wore on duty, molding the foam into something that closely resembled the traditional visual of Papa Noel.

The first and main rule of being Santa is to remain in character. That meant keeping the fake beard on my face when in view of the public. We (me and the elves) did not want to do anything to dispel the notion that Santa is real. Some disgruntled parent might actually sue us for ruining their Christmas, or inflicting emotional damage to their child. That also meant not using profanity within earshot of young children.

There was a rough Script: Ho Ho Ho and Have you been a good boy/girl? and What do you want for Christmas? After a while the routine of asking if the child if he/she had been good all year seemed lame. After all, what child is dumb enough to confess past indiscretions to Santa?

So I decided to deviate from the script - with interesting results:

Two siblings a brother (age 4) and sister (age 7) came together, and after they had situated themselves on Santa's lap, I ask "So, who is the naughty child and who is the nice child?"

The answer surprised me.

The boy quickly raised his little finger, pointed at his sister, and said "She is! She's naughty. Our mom says she has a bad attitude!"

Bad attitude? This is not a word your typical four year old uses. I wonder where he learned that?

I'd have loved to hear what mom had to say on the subject

The sister tried to remained cool, but you could sense the guilt in her eyes.

The boy, using the logic of a four year old, reasoned that there was only going to be one child receiving a gift in that household, and he was going to make darn sure that Santa knew who did (and who didn't) deserve a Christmas gift - by snitching on his sister.

The first problem that we encountered was the heat. That much foam made the Santa suit warm. Quite warm. In order to not fall over from heat exhaustion, Santa needed a break about once an hour or so. The elves inform the assorted children (and their parents) that Santa needed to go check on his reindeer, but would be back in 5 minutes. Elf #1 would lead me out the side door so I could open up my Santa suit and cool off. Restroom breaks were more problematic. As Santa, I was not allowed to use the public restroom and I understand why. One year, I saw a Rent-a-Santa bell ringer taking a whizz in the restrooms. I knew this wasn't really Santa, but the visual remains with me to this day. So under the guise of feeding the reindeer, we wandered back to the empty room we used as a dressing room, then (after Elf #1 verified the cost was clear) I was allowed to use a small bathroom across the hall in the "Employees Only" part of the mall.

Another "cute" child was a boy, about 5 years old, who had the most angelic smile I had seen. He was nicely (warmly) dressed in a holiday sweater and slacks, and his hair was nicely combed (with dippy-doo hair gel).

So I asked the usual question: "Have you been a good boy?"

He assured me he had.

"All year?" I asked.

Again I was assured of his good behavior

"SO" I asked, "If I were to ask you mother, what would she tell me?"

The smile vanished from his face, and I swear I saw fear in his eyes.

He hadn't figured on this. He turned his face towards his mother (who was chatting with the Head Elf about the different photo packages), no doubt contemplating the information that his mother would reveal upon Santa's request. He hadn't counted on that, and he didn't have a back-up plan. He looked back at me, and I could see it in his eyes.

In his little heart, he knew he was getting coal in his stocking.

Sweat began to form on his forehead.

OK, I'm making that up.

I waited a moment then let him off the hook.

"Have you been mostly good?"

He assured me he had.

I then asked him what he wanted for Christmas, to which he told me several items that he would prefer to find under the family Christmas tree rather than coal.

To this day, I wonder just what "Dennis the Menace" might have done to fear receiving coal.

Growing up, my Santa smoked a pipe. My Uncle Theo said when he was growing up, Santa smoked Lucky Strikes.  One of the problems was smoking. At the time, I smoked and after an hour or so, Santa needed a smoke break. The problem was one of the "rules" was that I could not be seen by the children smoking. Which seems odd, at least to me, because growing up all the depictions of Santa Claus I saw showed him smoking a pipe. But heaven forbid these days if we have a smoking Santa. Like Joe Camel, this might cause children to start smoking - which leads to other drug usage, premarital sex, and listening to devil music. We can't be having this. So what we had to do was go on another "reindeer check." Near Santa's Magic Kingdom was a side hallway (marked employees only) which led outside, behind the mall. Elf #1 would go out first and look around, and if the coast was clear (i.e. no children) Santa would hide behind the dumpster, remove his beard, and smoke a cigarette. And open the suit to cool off. Elf #1 would keep watch (just in case).   After Santa finished smoking, Elf #1 spritzed Santa's mouth with breath spray, so he didn't smell like Marlboros. He smelled like Christmas Mint. And Chanel #5. Elf #1 also spritzed the Santa suit with her perfume so it didn't smell like smoke One of my co-workers from my regular job just happened to be coming to work one time when me and Elf #1 were smoking. He commented later that it looked bad to him, and wondered what Santa and a cute female elf were doing behind the dumpster. "Get your mind out of the gutter" I told him. "Santa doesn't do things like that." Not behind a dumpster, anyhow. This Santa had more class than that.

As a mall Santa, you had to be ready for some clever questions:

One child asked me where were my reindeer.

A good question.

Upon arriving at the mall with her mother, she no doubt noticed that there were no reindeer in the parking lot.

So where were they?

I had to think quickly

"They're on the roof" I told her.

And that made sense to her. After all, if you have flying reindeers, why park in a crowded parking lot, when there was all that space available on the roof.

Another child asked me what makes reindeer fly.

Another good question as deer, rein or other, are not aerodynamic.

Being a child of the 70s, and having listened to Cheech and Chong, my first thought was to say magic dust.

If you were a child of the 70s and/or listened to Cheech and Chong, you will know that reference.

If not, here is a YouTube video of Santa and His Old Lady:

In that his (the child's) parents were within earshot, and the chances were good that either one of them may have also been children of the 70s and/or listened to Cheech and Chong, I thought it wise not to go with my first impulse.

I had to think (fast) and then I recalled from a Rankin and Bass stop animation Christmas special (Rudolph) that the deer learned flight at reindeer games. They practice jumping, going higher and higher until finally they are able to remain airborne.

I told this to the boy, who accepted this (he no doubt had also seen the special).

Myself, I still believe the magic dust explanation.

I was also told no flirting. I wasn't flirting with the mothers, but with the woman who ran the gizmo shop near the Winter Wonderland. She was rather cute. I even offered her a candy cane. The Head Elf told me to quit flirting in the Santa Suit, as it was inappropriate.

 
While wearing the Santa suit, you would not immediately recognize me.

So when a young couple to whom I was acquainted showed up with their son, I had a little Christmas magic trick.

"Ho! Ho! Ho!"

Actually, I never Ho! Ho! Ho! when I was Santa.

"Well, look who has come to see me: My little friend Liam"

Liam, smiling, came over and sat on my lap.

His parents looked confused and startled. Nobody had mentioned the child's name, yet Santa called him by his name. His correct name.

This mad perfect sense to Liam. After all Santa know everyone, right? He proceeded to confirmed his goodness for the preceding year, and then tell me what he wanted for Christmas.

The parents were puzzled. Liam isn't that common of a name, so the chance that Santa happened to guess it was unlikely.

To this day, they still don't know just how Santa managed to do that.

Sorry to inform you, but
you are on the naught list.

You are the reason Santa
even has a naught list.

Bill was working at a Christmas kiosk to earn a bit of money during the season. I knew him from here and there.

It was a slow time an Santa's Toyland (there were no children waiting to see Santa) when Bill walked past , on his way out of the Mall for a smoke break. Elf #1 and Elf #2 (who was hired as a part time elf) called to him, flirtingly, inviting him to come visit with Santa. He smile, verbally declined their offer, and continued on his way to the doors.

"Not so fast, William" I boomed out in a Santa voice.

Bill stopped in his tracks, and turned around, and re-approached the North Pole mini-station.

"How does Santa Claus know my name?" he asked

"Santa knows everyone's name, and he also knows what you were doing this weekend."

And I did, because I was at the same party.

His face turned white.

Let's just say that what he did that weekend would not be appropriate in this blog.

For a brief moment in his adult life, Bill believed in Santa (because Santa knew specifically how naught he had been.)

 Santa Claus and the reindeer work the graveyard shift in the middle of winter. You know they be drinking some coffee! Another issue was coffee. I've mentioned a few times that I'm a coffee drinker. Another one of the Santa rules was that I could not patronize any of the stores while in uniform. This (unfortunately) included the mall coffee shop. Ok, I understood about the restrooms, and the smoking, and I realize that it might not look good if Kris Kringle was patronizing a retailer (it might look like an endorsement). But coffee? So, in order to get a Raspberry Mocha, I had to send Elf #1 to the coffee shop. It was OK for the elves to go get coffee, but not Santa. So I gave Elf #1 my debit card and she headed out to the coffee shop. After a few moments, a thought occurred to me: I go to that coffee shop frequently, enough that I am on a first name basis with all the baristas. Knowing me by name, they are going to know that Elf #1 is not me, and (possible) have her detained for theft. So I grabbed my cellphone and called the shop. ME: Hey Debbie, this is Doug... DEB: Hi Doug. ME: I got someone coming over to pick up a coffee for me. DEB: Your usual? ME: Uh, yeah. Raspberry Mocha. I told you they knew me. DEB: I'll get it started. ME: Thanks. She moves away from the phone and tells the crew to start a Raspberry Mocha. In the background, I hear someone ask "Is it for Doug?" I told you they knew me. ME: The reason I called is that the girl will be using my debit card, and I just wanted you to know it was OK to accepted it. DEB: It's Christmas. Do you think we have time to read the names on the debit cards? ME: Probably not. DEB: We'll have you drink ready by the time she.. A sudden pause of silence ME: Are you there? DEB: Uh, yeah. An elf just walked into the shop. ME: That's her. She's got my debit card. And if she wants something, put it on my card.

So this young couple come to Santa's Kingdom, carrying a baby. Now, I knew this would happen eventually and I knew eventually I would be forced to pose with at least one.

Might have been the team captain.

I don't like to hold babies. It's not that I don't like babies, its just that I am afraid that I might break them. I'm told that this is an irrational fear, that babies are (despite appearance) quite durable and about the only way to break them is to slam them against a brick wall or drop then from a third story balcony - although you should never do this.

But I don't want to chance it.

What I'm afraid of, is some years later going my high school alma mater to watch the homecoming game (Go Bombers!) with some parents. As we watch the game, some kid with a bad leg is limping around and passing out sport drinks to the player.

"Look" my friend says. "There's my son, the waterboy. He would have been the quarterback except somebody broke him when he was a baby!"

That's more guilt than I want to carry through my life.

So this young couple come to Santa's Kingdom, carrying a baby. Now, I knew this would happen eventually.

And it was about to happen.

I braced my self, and readied myself to hold (and not break) the small child. The proud parents trustingly placed their progeny into my arms. I looked down at the baby, a girl (judging by the pink clothing) and intoned the traditional mantra of "My, what a lovely baby" that is often spoke upon examining a small, human infant.

But wait. There was something wrong. This was a small baby - my dogs are bigger than this baby was.

"How old is she?" I asked.

"She was born 10pm Saturday night."

It was now 11:38am on a Wednesday, which meant the baby wasn't even four days old yet. You could still faintly smell womb on the child.

OK, I am exaggerating here. I know that you can't smell the scent of female reproductive organ on a newborn infant. Please, nobody e-mail me about this.

I froze and did not move out of fear that the slightest movement on my part would break the child (and forever deny the child the opportunity to become a cheerleader). The proud parents, both wearing matching holiday sweaters that were (in my humble opinion) tacky, knelt on either side of me, and smiled their Christmas smile as the Head Elf took the picture.

Somewhere out there, there is a photo in someone's family album (labeled Baby's First Christmas) in which, years later, people looking at it are puzzled by how stiff Santa looks, and the nervous expression on his face.

According to Macky Rae: On Christmas Eve, people can easily track Santa as he makes his journey all around the globe. Norad Tracks Santa Macky Rae is planning to utilize this.

And it wasn't just the young that came to see Santa. One afternoon, a resident of a local assisted living facility were brought to Santa's Toyland to have her pictures taken, perhaps to be given to family members or possibly used as a picture Christmas card.

And that was OK. I like old people.

The woman was old, and I mean old (She later mentioned she was 93). She was confined to a wheel chair, and the caregiver wheeled her up to me (in order to pose for the camera).

I was not fond of her caregiver.

The caregiver, who was a young woman no older than 25, was talking to the older woman like she was a child.

"Now Claire, tell Santa what you want for Christmas."

Claire rolled her eyes.

In my family, disrespecting the elderly was not allowed.

So with this woman treating Claire (who was obviously still in complete possession of all her mental faculties) disrespectfully, Santa was not pleased.

Let's just say the Santa wanted to give the caregiver a peppermint enema, and let it go at that.

But I digress

I turned my attention to Claire.

ME: So, what do you want for Christmas?

CLAIRE: I'm ninety-three years old. What would you suggest?

ME: I don't know. You're probably to old for a Barbie doll.

That got a pleasant smile out of her.

CLAIRE: How about a twenty year old Frenchman?

ME: Do you think you can handle him?

The mischievous smile of a twenty-three year old Claire appeared on her lips.

ME: I'll see what I can do.

My time as Santa was some years ago, so I am almost certain that Claire is no longer with us (if she is, she is now over 100 years old). She made my Christmas Season brighter with her attitude. Physically, she couldn't handle a young lover, French or otherwise.

But she wanted to at least try.

I want to be the ornery when I'm that old.





---

In memory of
Amanda Marie Stueckle

When I decided on this entry, and began writing it (about two month ago), I meant for it only to be a simple Christmas story.

Sadly, it has become a bit more.

Amanda, who was the Elf #1 mentioned repeatedly in this story, died November 24, along with her life partner Jason McCready and their dog Buddy, the result of carbon monoxide poisoning.

Both of them left children, family, and friends who will miss them.

She was preceded in death by her Mother, Juanita, who was the Head Elf (also mentioned in the story)

Merry Christmas to both of you, wherever you are.

---

Pomeranian Home Security Systems (X-mas edition)

December 25th, 12:01 a.m.
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...

MACKY: Freedom! Wake up!

FREEDOM: What for?

MACKY: I heard a noise.

FREEDOM: Go back to sleep.

MACKY: It might be a burglars.

Sarah wakes up.

SARAH: Why are you two awake?

FREEDOM: Macky thinks he heard a noise.

MACKY: I did!

SARAH: Go back to sleep.

MACKY: It might be a burglar. We should guard our food.

SARAH: You are a doof! Burglars are not going to break and steal food.

MACKY: They might.

FREEDOM: Go back to sleep. There is no burglars.

SARAH: Wait a minute. I just heard it too.

MACKY: I told you!

SARAH: It's coming from upstairs.

MACKY: I told you!

FREEDOM: We don't have an upstairs.

SARAH: Then someone's on the roof.

FREEDOM: Burglars?

MACKY: I told you!

FREEDOM: What kind of burglars go on roofs?

SARAH: Cat burglars.

MACKY: We do not have a cat.

SARAH: You are a doof.

MACKY: But if we did have a cat, I would not care if the burglars stole it. I do not like cats.

FREEDOM: We better keep watch. Macky, Guard the window, I'll guard the door.

SARAH: I hear something in the chimney.

FREEDOM: The chimney???


You're a mean one,
Mister Grinch
You really are a heel,
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
you're as charming as an eel,
Mister Grinch,
You're a bad banana
with a greasy black peel!

MACKY: OMG! It is the Grinch!!!

SARAH: The What?

MACKY: The Grinch! He is coming to steal our Christmas

SARAH: What the hell is a Grinch?

MACKY: It is a... It is a... I do not know what it is, but he is not a nice, and he steals people's Christmas.

SARAH: Where do you come up with stuff like this?

MACKY: It was on TV! It was called "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

FREEDOM: I saw that. But he changed to good at the end.

MACKY: Maybe he has an evil twin brother.

SARAH: Maybe you watch too much TV.

FREEDOM: What ever it is, it is coming down the chimney.

MACKY: Everyone grab something, and we'll whack him when he comes out.

SARAH: Whack him with what?

MACKY: With big sticks!!!

FREEDOM: We don't have any big sticks.

MACKY: Then what should we do?

SARAH: We need to scare them off.

FREEDOM: I got an idea. When he comes out, we will  bark really loud.

MACKY: Yeah!

FREEDOM: And them pounce on him.

SARAH: Here he comes!

FREEDOM: Everyone get ready... Now!!!

ALL THREE DOGS: Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark! Bark!  Bark!  Bark!

When out on the living room there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

ME: What's going on?

SARAH: It's their fault.

FREEDOM: Sorry, Dad.

MACKY: We thought he was a burglar.

SANTA: Can you understand why I hate coming to your house every year?

---

December 25th, 12:30 a.m.

MACKY: Dad was not happy with us.

SARAH: Neither was Santa.

FREEDOM: He left without eating his milk and cookies.

MACKY: That's OK, I will eat them for him.

FREEDOM: We'd better just go back to sleep.

MACKY: Hey! I just thought of something.

Macky gets up, and heads for the living room.

SARAH: Where are you going?

MACKY: To see what Santa left for me!

SARAH: After beating him up, he probably left us each a lump of coal.

MACKY: I am going to find out.

FREEDOM: Dude! It's 12:30am

MACKY: I know! That means it is Christmas morning.

SARAH: Barely.

MACKY: I am going to open my presents!

Rudolph Announces Retirement

Rudolph Ukkonen

In a press conference held at the Helsinki Hilton, Rudolph "the Red-Nosed Reindeer" announced that he would be retiring at the end of the 2013 Christmas season.

"It has truly been an honor, not only to be part of Santa's team, but to have been the lead reindeer. But I feel that it is time to step down and allow a younger reindeer to take over." 

Rudolph is best remembered as the young reindeer who, during the "foggy Christmas Eve" of 1964, was instrumental in preventing the cancellation of Christmas by providing navigational assistance to Santa, who would not have otherwise been able to deliver gifts that year.

---

Arvid Dingle
Public Relations
North Pole, Inc.

A spokesmanelf for the North Pole, Arvid Dingle, said that Rudolph would be missed after his retirement, but that Santa Claus understands and supports his decision to step down.

When asked by reporters if Rudolph's retirement will have any impact on navigation and delivery of presents, Mr. Dingle stated that:

"The advancement of aerospace navigational systems, especially GPS, has helped improved deliveries on Christmas eve. It would take the most extreme weather to force us to postpone, or even cancel Christmas. The likelihood of such a storm is remote."

Dingle also indicated that contingency plans existed, but did not elaborate on what they were.

---



Hermey currently serves as the President

of the Arctic Gay and Lesbian Coalition.

"It is sad to see him go" said Dr. Hermey Hammaslääkäri DDS, head of the North Pole Dental Facility. "He has truly been an inspiration to everyone, especially those with perceived disabilities. He is the one who not only inspired me to pursue my interest in dentistry, but to give me the courage to admit to my true sexual orientation."

Others associated with the North Pole expressed sadness with Rudolph's decision, but were also supportive.



Rudolph is the last remaining member of the "classic" line-up. The other eight members of the "foggy Christmas eve" team have all retired, with the exception of Dancer, who died in 2008 from antlerean cancer.
 

Rudolph and his wife, Clarice

Rudolph and his wife, Clarice, have purchased a condominium at Porokylä, a retirement community for reindeer outside of Rovaniemi in Lapland.

Although retired, Rudolph and his wife will still continue to be part of the Marine's Misfit Toys for Tots program.

---

According to the North Pole website, the official reindeer line-up for 2013 is:

• Leonard (21st year)
• Dasher, Jr. (13th year)
• Ida (8th year)
• Chico (5th year)
• Ole (3rd year)
• Bettie (2nd year)
• Gustav (1st year)
• Sven (1st year)

Veteran reindeer Furgussen was forced to withdraw from the line-up after he injured his knee last week during reindeer games. This would have been Fergussen's eighth consecutive year.



Arvid Dingle
Public Relations
North Pole, Inc.

Also removed from the line-up was Wilhelm, who was suspended after testing positive for drug usage. Arvid Dingle (Spokeself for North Pole Enterprises) decline to comment on Wilhelm specifically, but did make a general statement regarding drug usage:

"The North Pole has a policy of zero-tolerance regarding illegal drug usage. Anyone caught using controlled substances is automatically placed on the Naughty List"

When asked how this policy applied to Colorado and Washington State, where recreational use of marijuana is now legal, Mr. Dingle said the matter was still "under study."

According to the North Pole website, the Worldwide Naughty Index (WNI) is at 113.8, up 4.2 from last year.

The Bureau of Holiday Affairs (Part 2)

As Christmas went into full gear, Macky Rae (my youngest dog) got all excited with anticipation, not only for the eventual arrival of St Nick on Christmas Eve, but the arrival of Christmas specials.

Last Christmas, Macky was practically glued to the television, watching all the Christmas cartoons, stop-animations, and variety show. In the afternoons, when he wasn't going through the TV Guide to determine what was being shown that evening, he was wandering around the house singing songs he learned from the previous evening's specials.

He could even do the Peanuts dance.

This year, however, was not as joyous as last year.

MACKY: I am not happy.

ME: What's wrong? I thought you were watching Christmas specials.

MACKY: I was, but they were the same ones I watched last year.

ME: They are, huh?

MACKY: Yeah. Same stupid Rudolph, same stupid Frosty, same stupid Drummer boy.

ME: No new ones?

MACKY: Nope.

ME: Must be the economy.

Macky logs onto his computer

ME: Going to play your ZombieLand™ game?

MACKY: No. I am going to Hulu.com and see if I can find some of the Christmas specials you watched as a kid

I didn't have the heart to tell him.

The Bureau is currently taking
applications for staff positions.
Email your application to:
jobs@hohoho.gov

The Bureau of Holiday Affairs will probably be unable to get Macky new Christmas specials, but we will deal with some of the visual manifestations of the holidays: Lights and Decorations.

As if the the torrent of carols wasn't enough, we are overwhelmed by an assortment of lights, wreaths, trees, and other decorations. A virtual cacophony of colors that, up until now, has gone unchecked.

Outdoor Residential Decorations

I once had a neighbor who was either overflowing with Christmas spirit, or just had a lot of time on his hands. Maybe both. Every year, the front of his house was transformed into what could best be described as collision of holiday themes. It appeared that he had purchased every holiday lawn decoration available at Home Depot.

Well, not every available decoration, but that was probably only because he ran out of room in his yard.

Let me give you a description: The center piece, in the middle of the yard, was Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus in a manger, illuminated by two mini outdoor floodlights. To the right, near the fence that separated their yard with the Ferguson's, were three Wise Men and a camel. To the left, two shepherds and a sheep. And a plastic snowman.

I remember shepherds in the Bible, and Wise Men, but I don't remember any snowmen.

On the garage, just above the basketball hoop, was the Star of Bethlehem.

On the rooftop was Santa and four tiny reindeer.

Yes, only four. I guess that was all the room that was available. The other four may have been in the back yard, grazing or something. I didn't look to see.

Then there was the lights. Multi-colored lights were strung up everywhere! Around the windows, along the edge of the roof, in the shrubbery, on both sides of the walkway leading to the front door, around the front door - everywhere that there could be lights, there were.  

The luminescence was of such intensity that it actually washed out the street lamp!

Although this is more of an extreme example, it shows the extremes that some holiday fanatics will go to, and demonstrates that there is, indeed, a need for Bureau guidelines.

To those that want to decorate their house and/or yard, the Bureau offers the following advice: Moderation.

Themes: Please limit your yard to one theme. Multiple themes are confusing, often cluttered, and bordering on trashy.

In other words: If you do a Nativity scene (for example) keep Santa off the roof.

Power consumption: The total power consumption for any Christmas display may not exceed 10% of the average monthly electric bill. Luminosity may not exceed that of the street lamp.

Decorative Deer Outdoor Lights: These things are just freaky, especially the mechanical ones that move their heads. It like something out of science fiction, a deer/terminator or something. There is one of these down the street from us. The dogs do not like it. They bark at it when the head move. We have decided to ban these, so if you have one in your yard, please remove it immediately.

Giant Inflatable Outdoor Decorations: Does anyone really need a ginormous reindeer on their front lawn?

Do your neighbors want one in their neighborhood? Probably not.

My main problem with inflatable decorations is when they are uninflated. I went past a house that had a ginormous Santa Claus that had deflated.

It looked like Santa had gone on a bender, and had passed out in the front yard. Seriously, this is not a happy image.

Nearby was a deflated ginormous snowman. It looked like Frosty had melted, which was weird because it was 15°F out.

I don't want to see a deflated deer.

Indoor Holiday Decorations: The Bureau will make no rules or guidelines. What you do inside your home is your business. Unless it can be seen from the outside, in which case you must either keep your curtains closed, or comply with the Bureau's decorations guidelines.

And show a little respect.
Is this what we want small
children to see?

---

ME: What are you watching?

MACKY: Funky Skunky's Stinky Christmas.

ME: Is it any good?

MACKY: It stinks.

ME: Then why are you watching it?

MACKY: Because it's the only new Christmas special this year.

---

"Silver and Gold"

Snowmen: We cover snowmen (and other snow constructions) in Bureau, Part 1, but since snowmen may be part of yard decorations, we will cover it again. Snowmen (real ones) are not restricted to the Holiday Season (Dec 1st - Jan 15th), but are required to remain in the following guidelines:

• The number of snowmen is limited to the number of real persons living at the residence.
• Holiday specific apparel and accessories (e.g. "Santa" hats) will need to be removed after the 15th.
• Snowmen may not have "equipment" - the carrot goes on the face! 
• Snowwomen may have breasts, but they are required in good taste.
• Likewise snow sculptures must also be in "good taste."

Snowmen may be built and placed in the yard, even if another holiday theme has been displayed. But please, do not include snowmen in your nativity scenes.

Commercial Decorations

The worst offenders of excessive decorating are businesses. In there quest to obtain as much money as the can during the yuletide, they overwhelm us us with a plethora of decor that, hopefully, will interfere with our good senses and cause us to spend more than we should on gifts and other Christmas paraphernalia.

To those businesses that want to decorate their establishments, the Bureau offers the following advice: Moderation.

The Bureau is mandating that external displays con exceed 15% of the storefront, and that they adhere to similar guidelines as for residential displays. In other words: moderation.

Inside, well..  Try to be moderate. The Bureau realizes 'Tis the Season, but don't slap everyone in the face with it.

And ease back on the pine (and other holiday) scent. Have some consideration for those people with allergies!

---

The Bureau of Holiday Affairs has drafted a letter to the Department of Labor recommending legislation to prevent employers from forcing their employees to wear Christmas decorations as a condition of employment.

It's bad enough they are only making minimum wage. Must we humiliate them by forcing them to wear reindeer antlers?  

---

Fashion

This is over doing it.

There is something about the holiday season that causes some people to brighten up there wardrobe and begin wearing Christmassy 

To those who wish to "don their gay apparel", the Bureau offers the following advice: Moderation.

Christmas sweaters, and other seasonal apparel, will be governed more or less under the same guidelines and principles and other decorations. At this time, we will not make and/or enforce any rules or regulations. Everyone is on their honor, and if it appears that this is being abused, we will lay the smack down and write up some rules.

Christmas Hats: Please wear these sparingly. They look stupid, even if you are an elf.

Where are the Fashion Police
when you need them?

And speaking of hats

Animal Hats: These are those warm weather hats that have cute animal faces.

Although they are not exactly holiday hats, they are frequently seen around the holiday (although that is because they are winter hats and Christmas in a winter holiday) and since they are frequently seen during the holidays the bureau is taking jurisdiction over then because, well.. Someone has to.

Therefore, the bureau is issuing the following statement regarding "Animal hats."

The look stupid.

Seriously. They are cute if you are two, stupid when you are twelve, and retarded when you are twenty.

Grown-ups do not wear animals on there head!

---

SARAH: Dad, is there something our Bureau can do about the quality of Christmas specials shown on TV?

ME: Not really. Television is covered by the FCC. And then there are First Amendment issues.

Inappropriate!

SARAH: Too bad. There are some things that don't need to be aired.

ME: Such as?

SARAH: The Miley Cyrus Christmas Special.

ME: Really?

SARAH: Some things are very inappropriate for the yuletide season.

ME: I'll call the FCC tomorrow.

SARAH: And call Billy Ray and tell him to make his daughter wear some decent clothing.

FREEDOM: Sarah! The Justin Bieber Christmas show is starting!

SARAH: OMG!

MACKY: He has his shirt off. 

SARAH: Dad!

ME: I'll call first thing in the morning.

---

For now, that covers quite a bit, although as we go along, we will need to come up with more rules.

Freedom Elisha
Deputy Director
Bureau of Holiday Affairs

So with that, I would like to end with this thought: As we go through the Christmas season, everyone should remember that...

FREEDOM: Dad! You should come see this.

ME: I'm working on the blog.

As I was trying to say: As we go through the Christmas season, everyone should remember that...

FREEDOM: Dad you are missing it!

ME: Missing what?

FREEDOM: The Bikini Babes Gone Wild Christmas Special.

ME: Seriously?

SARAH: I can't believe they are going outside like that.

MACKY: Why? The got their snow boots on.

SARAH: And that's about all they have on.

ME: I'll be right there.

So, anyway, as I was saying...

I forgot.

 Well, it couldn't have been that important. Merry Christmas!

 

Sarah Lin
Executive Secretary
for Public Affairs
Bureau of Holiday Affair

As the Bureau's Executive Secretary for Public Affairs, Sarah wishes to remind everyone that she is available to serve as Grand Marshall of anyone's holiday parade (or at least ride on the float).

She has been practicing her parade wave in the mirror.

Inquiries may be emailed to dog.princess@hohoho.gov