Pomeranian Home Security Systems (X-mas edition)

December 25th, 12:01 a.m.
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...

MACKY: Freedom! Wake up!

FREEDOM: What for?

MACKY: I heard a noise.

FREEDOM: Go back to sleep.

MACKY: It might be a burglars.

Sarah wakes up.

SARAH: Why are you two awake?

FREEDOM: Macky thinks he heard a noise.

MACKY: I did!

SARAH: Go back to sleep.

MACKY: It might be a burglar. We should guard our food.

SARAH: You are a doof! Burglars are not going to break and steal food.

MACKY: They might.

FREEDOM: Go back to sleep. There is no burglars.

SARAH: Wait a minute. I just heard it too.

MACKY: I told you!

SARAH: It's coming from upstairs.

MACKY: I told you!

FREEDOM: We don't have an upstairs.

SARAH: Then someone's on the roof.

FREEDOM: Burglars?

MACKY: I told you!

FREEDOM: What kind of burglars go on roofs?

SARAH: Cat burglars.

MACKY: We do not have a cat.

SARAH: You are a doof.

MACKY: But if we did have a cat, I would not care if the burglars stole it. I do not like cats.

FREEDOM: We better keep watch. Macky, Guard the window, I'll guard the door.

SARAH: I hear something in the chimney.

FREEDOM: The chimney???


You're a mean one,
Mister Grinch
You really are a heel,
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
you're as charming as an eel,
Mister Grinch,
You're a bad banana
with a greasy black peel!

MACKY: OMG! It is the Grinch!!!

SARAH: The What?

MACKY: The Grinch! He is coming to steal our Christmas

SARAH: What the hell is a Grinch?

MACKY: It is a... It is a... I do not know what it is, but he is not a nice, and he steals people's Christmas.

SARAH: Where do you come up with stuff like this?

MACKY: It was on TV! It was called "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

FREEDOM: I saw that. But he changed to good at the end.

MACKY: Maybe he has an evil twin brother.

SARAH: Maybe you watch too much TV.

FREEDOM: What ever it is, it is coming down the chimney.

MACKY: Everyone grab something, and we'll whack him when he comes out.

SARAH: Whack him with what?

MACKY: With big sticks!!!

FREEDOM: We don't have any big sticks.

MACKY: Then what should we do?

SARAH: We need to scare them off.

FREEDOM: I got an idea. When he comes out, we will  bark really loud.

MACKY: Yeah!

FREEDOM: And them pounce on him.

SARAH: Here he comes!

FREEDOM: Everyone get ready... Now!!!

ALL THREE DOGS: Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark! Bark!  Bark!  Bark!

When out on the living room there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

ME: What's going on?

SARAH: It's their fault.

FREEDOM: Sorry, Dad.

MACKY: We thought he was a burglar.

SANTA: Can you understand why I hate coming to your house every year?

---

December 25th, 12:30 a.m.

MACKY: Dad was not happy with us.

SARAH: Neither was Santa.

FREEDOM: He left without eating his milk and cookies.

MACKY: That's OK, I will eat them for him.

FREEDOM: We'd better just go back to sleep.

MACKY: Hey! I just thought of something.

Macky gets up, and heads for the living room.

SARAH: Where are you going?

MACKY: To see what Santa left for me!

SARAH: After beating him up, he probably left us each a lump of coal.

MACKY: I am going to find out.

FREEDOM: Dude! It's 12:30am

MACKY: I know! That means it is Christmas morning.

SARAH: Barely.

MACKY: I am going to open my presents!

Zombies!

Pomeranian Home

Security Systems (Part 2)

24 Hour Service

My youngest dog (Macky Rae) has a vivid imagination, but he is only 3 years old, so that's normal. He enjoys science fiction (he is a big fan of Star Trek), "1950s Era Black and White Giant Insect Films," and (thanks to Aunt Amy) Zombie Flicks.

If you have been a frequent reader to this blog, you are aware also that he is computer literate. He has a few PC games he likes to play, but his favorite is ZombieLand,™  where you go around your "neighborhood" hunting zombies and protect your home. Currently, he has reached level 42.

He also believes zombies are real. (I blame Aunt Amy for this as well.)

He is taking Zombie Preparedness seriously, and as a result has began laying in supplies in the basement, should the predicted Zombie Apocalypse occur and we are force to go into seclusion. Based on a checklist he found on the CDC's zombie page, stored in the basement are:

Apparently, the CDC does
have a zombie page.

• Food - 50# of dog food, and an MRE for me.
• Water - 1 gallon in a empty milk carton (I'm not sure how long he thinks this will last us).
• Tools and Supplies - my old Swiss army knife, and a roll of duct tape.
• Sanitation and Hygiene - a box of Kleenex, a bar of soap, and a roll of toilet paper.
• Clothing and Bedding - three old dog sweaters, my red flannel shirt, and my sleeping bag.
• Important documents - photocopies of their latest rabies vaccination certificates.
• Medications - flea collars and medication for ear mites. And a bottle of Ibuprofen.
• First Aid supplies - a box of band aids.

Although not on the list, he now keeps his toys in the basement.

He also took our radio down there, but Freedom and Sarah made him bring it back upstairs.

In addition to the aforementioned provisions, he has acquire what he refers to as his "zombie whacking stick" (also known as the ZWS), a 1" sycamore branch brought back from on of our trips to the park. It is strategically stored by the door, except when he goes outside after sundown.

In ZombieLand™ one of the ways to kill zombie is to "whack" them, according to Macky Rae.

But as I said, he believes zombies are real, and after sundown he will not go outside without his "stick," just in case of a zombie attack.

The other night, Macky had gone outside (along with his ZWS) to "do business." He came racing back a short time later, all excited.

"Dad! Dad! Come quick. I just whacked a zombie!"

"I'm proud of you. Turn you game off and go to bed."

"No, Dad. Not a game zombie. A real zombie! It was walking down the alley and I whacked him!"

"How do you know it was a zombie?" I asked.

The Zombie Walk

"Because it walked like a Zombie"

 "How do zombies walk?"

"Like this" he replied, then stood up and demonstrated "the zombie walk." Rearing up on his hind legs, he began to stagger around on the floor, taking a few steps forward, a step back, and then a half step to the side, teetering as if about to fall over. It reminded me much of my Uncle Theodore under the influence of a quart or two of Jack Daniel's.

"Interesting" I said.

"And it had the zombie face."

"The zombie face?" 

"Yea, like this"



"And it had the zombie face."

Suddenly, the dog transformed his facial features from sweet, innocent Pomeranian to something that resembled something that one would envision after reading a H.P.Lovecraft story. I was momentarily startled by the "dog from hell" face, and quite impressed by his ability.

It was then I noticed that his ZWS was broken.

"How did your stick get broken?" I enquired.

"I told you, I whacked a zombie!"

"So you said."

"I was outside going potty, and I heard a noise. So I started looking around and I saw him!"

"Saw who?"

"The Zombie! I saw it coming down the alley, so I hid behind the garbage can. After it walked past me, I sneaked up behind him and WHACK! I knocked it down."

Now I'm getting a bit nervous.

"But it started to get up, so I had to whack it again. It didn't dissolve, like in ZombieLand™. It kept moaning and trying to get back up, so I kept whacking and whacking until the stick broke. And that is when I came in to tell you about the zombie."

"So the zombie is still out there?"

"That is what I have been telling you. I whacked it and now it is laying in the alley. It did not dissolve like zombies are suppose to."

At this point, I decided it might be a good idea to investigate.

We went out side (with what was left of the ZWS) and went out to the alley. Macky showed me where the "whacking" took place, but there was nothing there - zombie, human, or otherwise.

"It was right here" Macky said.

"Well, it's gone now."

"It escaped."

"Maybe it dissolved" I suggested.

"Yeah, maybe."

He didn't seem so sure, and kept looking around.

"Better luck next time. Let's go back inside. It's bedtime."

As we waked back, he kept looking around cautiously, holding what remained of the ZWS in his mouth. We went inside, and Macky scanned the alley once more before I closed the door. Reluctantly, he went to bed, but not before strategically placing what remained of the ZWS by the door.

I thought little of the incident, until I found the following article in this morning's newspaper:

Police responded to a call after a man was admitted to the ER suffering injuries in which emergency personnel felt were indicative with assault. Otis Campbell, 58, arrived at the emergency room at approximately 11:38pm suffering numerous abrasions and contusions, primarily in the cranial region. After Campbell was treated, he was questioned by the responding officer, who was told by Campbell that he was attacked by a dog. According to Campbell, he had left the Bar'n'Grill and was walking home down an alley way when he was "whacked" on the head with a large stick wielded by a small dog, knocking Campbell to the ground. He attempted to stand, but the dog continued to "whack" him whenever he tried to get up. The dog eventually ran off, allowing Campbell to escape. Police investigated the area in which Campbell claimed the attack occurred, but found no evidence of an altercation. Police were able to confirm from staff at the Bar'n'Grill that Campbell had been drinking prior to the attack, and was  intoxicated when he left. Tests on Campbell's blood taken at the time he was admitted to the ER indicated a .19 blood alcohol content, more that twice the State's definition for being under the influence. "We have had other alcohol related contacts with Campbell in the past" reported Officer Malloy, "although this is the first time he claimed to have been mugged by a dog, or any other animal. I will file the report, but in all honesty I do not think anything will come of it. I do not believe the community has anything to fear from a crazed club wielding Pomeranian running loose."

I'm not saying it was or wasn't Macky Rae, but in all fairness I have seen Otis stumbling home in the evening. And in the dim light of the streetlamps, he does sort of resemble a zombie when he walks.

Have a safe and happy Halloween!

Pomeranian Home Security Systems, Inc.

24 hour service

Around 3 a.m.

MACKY: Freedom! Wake up!

FREEDOM: What for?

MACKY: I heard a noise.

FREEDOM: Go back to sleep.

MACKY: It might be a burglars.

Sarah wakes up.

SARAH: Why are you two awake

FREEDOM: Macky thinks he heard a noise.

MACKY: I did!

SARAH: Go back to sleep.

MACKY It might be a burglar. I should hide my toys.

SARAH: You are a doof! Burglars are not going to break in just to steal your toys.

MACKY: They might.

FREEDOM: Go back to sleep. There is no burglars.

SARAH: Wait a minute. I just heard it too.

MACKY: I told you!

SARAH: It's coming from the bathroom.

FREEDOM: It probably just Dad.

SARAH: No, I hear Dad snoring in the bedroom.

FREEDOM: Maybe it is burglars.

MACKY: I told you!

FREEDOM: Why would burglars be in the bathroom?

MACKY: They are stealing my rubber duck!

SARAH: Burglars are not stealing your toys!

MACKY: They might be.

FREEDOM: I bet they're junkies trying to steal drugs.

MACKY: What should we do?

SARAH: We need to scare them off.

FREEDOM: I got an idea. Everyone follow me.

SARAH: What are we going to do?

FREEDOM: We'll sneak up on them, then bark really loud.

MACKY: Yeah!

The dogs head down the hall towards the bathroom, and stop outside the door.

FREEDOM: Everyone ready?

MACKY: Yeah.

FREEDOM: On three. One... Two... Three!!!

ALL THREE DOGS: Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark! Bark!  Bark!  Bark!

At this point, the barking, followed by a woman screaming, wakes me up. I get up quickly and head towards the commotion.

ME: What's going on?

SARAH: It's their fault.

FREEDOM: Sorry, Dad.

MACKY: We thought she was a burglar.

GIRLFRIEND: This is why I don't spend the night very often.

---

Around 3:10 a.m.

MACKY: Dad was not happy with us.

SARAH: Neither was his girlfriend.

FREEDOM: Did you see the look on her face?

MACKY: Yeah! We scared the pee out of her!

SARAH: Literally!

---

Around 4 a.m.

MACKY: Freedom! Wake up!

FREEDOM: What for?

MACKY: I heard a noise . . .