The first Noel

The following is (loosely) based on the accounts as recorded in the second chapter of the Gospel of St. Luke:

Dramatis Personae
Jacob - head Shepherd
Nathan - Shepherd
Caleb - Apprentice Shepherd
"Eddie" - Angel of the Lord
Host of Angels - Choir and Musicians

Time: 1AD (around 2am)

Scene: A Shepherd camp in a pasture near Bethlehem (the one in Israel, not the one in Pennsylvania). Two shepherds are sitting around a fire.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. [Luke 2:8]

NATHAN: Damn, it is cold.

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: I need something to warm me up. Is there anymore wine left?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: Let me have some.

CALEB: We're suppose to be watching the sheep.

NATHAN: So?

CALEB: Jacob don't like us drinking when we're watching the sheep

NATHAN: Yeah? Well Jacob is sound asleep in the tent. He ain't going to know unless someone tells him.

CALEB: I ain't no snitch.

NATHAN: Then pass over that wine.

CALEB: I don't think we should be drinking. We need to be alert.

NATHAN: Alert for what?

CALEB: What if a wolf shows up?

NATHAN: There ain't no wolves around here.

CALEB: Or a coyote.

NATHAN: A coyote?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: There can't be coyotes around here. Coyotes are only found in the new world, and the new world won't be discovered for another 1500 years.

CALEB: Really?

NATHAN: Really. Now hand over the wine.

[Caleb removes a wineskin from the bag and hands it to Nathan, who takes a drink. He hands the wine back to Caleb, who starts to drink then suddenly stops and looks around.]
       
CALEB: What was that?

NATHAN: What was what?

CALEB: I heard a noise.

NATHAN: It was probably just the wind.

CALEB: Maybe.

[Caleb starts to take a drink, then stops again.]

CALEB: There! Did you here that?

NATHAN: Hear what?

CALEB: That noise. It might be a wild animal

NATHAN: I don't hear nothing.

CALEB: It's a bear! Can't you hear it?

NATHAN: That's not a bear. That's Jacob snoring.

CALEB: It coming from out in the pasture. There is something out there.

NATHAN: There's nothing out there but sheep.

CALEB: There might be a wild animal...

NATHAN: Caleb, I'm telling you. There is nothing... Wait a minute.

CALEB: What?

NATHAN: I heard something.

CALEB: I told you!

NATHAN: It's coming this way.

CALEB: It's a wolf!

NATHAN: I told you, there are no wolves around here.

CALEB: It's a coyote!!!

NATHAN: It is not!

CALEB: Maybe it's a lion

NATHAN: Will you stop with the animals?

CALEB: It's coming into the camp!

[Nathan and Caleb stand up, both of them brandishing shepherd crooks.]

NATHAN: Halt!

CALEB: Who goes there?

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. [Luke2 :9]

[Enter: ANGEL of the Lord]

ANGEL: Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

NATHAN: Who are you?

ANGEL: I am the angel of the Lord.  I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall...

NATHAN: Wait a minute. You're an angel?

ANGEL: Verily, I am.

NATHAN: Can you prove that? Do you have ID or something?

ANGEL: Well, no, but...

CALEB: Where are your wings?

ANGEL: My what?

CALEB: Wings. Angels have wings.

ANGEL: Actually they don't.

CALEB: They don't?

ANGEL: No.

CALEB: That's what they told us in Sabbath school.

ANGEL: They told you wrong.

NATHAN: So, if you are an angel, why are you here?

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

NATHAN: Good tidings?

ANGEL: Good tidings indeed. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.

CALEB: Why is he talking like that?  

NATHAN: I don't know. Maybe that's how angel's talk.

ANGEL: And this shall be a sign unto you...

NATHAN: Wait a minute. I'm not saying you're lying, but how do we know you are telling the truth?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: Can you prove your an angel?

CALEB: Yeah. Prove it.

ANGEL: Prove it?

NATHAN: Yeah. Do something that shows us your legit.

CALEB: Yeah. Show us something angelic.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. [Luke 2:13-14]

CALEB: Holy @#$%!!!

NATHAN: Who are all these people?

ANGEL: This is the multitude of the heavenly host. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

NATHAN: Yeah? Well your multitude just scared the @#$% out of our sheep.

CALEB: They scared the @#$% out of me!

NATHAN: It will takes us all night to round them all up

CALEB: They're everywhere.

JACOB: [From inside the tent] What's going on out there???

CALEB: Now we're in trouble.

[Enter: JACOB]

JACOB: What's going on out here? [Looking at the ANGEL] Who is this man?

NATHAN: He says he is the angel of the Lord.

JACOB: Which lord?

NATHAN: THE Lord.

JACOB: You mean God?

NATHAN: Yeah.

JACOB: Why is he here?

NATHAN: He says he has a message

JACOB: From God?

NATHAN: I think so.

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

JACOB: Why is he talking like that? 

NATHAN: I don't know 

CALEB: Maybe that's how angels talk.

ANGEL: For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

NATHAN: City of David? 

CALEB: Where's that? 

JACOB: He probably means Jerusalem.

ANGEL: Nay. I meaneth Bethlehem.

CALEB: Bethlehem?? 

NATHAN: The Messiah is in Bethlehem?

JACOB: Why is the Messiah in Bethlehem?

ANGEL: It was prophesized in in the book of Micah: "But thou, Bethlehem, though thou be little among the thousands of Judah, yet out of thee shall he come forth unto me that is the ruler in Israel, whose goings forth have been from of old, from everlasting." [Micah 5:2]

NATHAN: Little is a good description of Bethlehem. 

CALEB: They don't get littlier than that.

[JACOB looks around]

JACOB:  Hey! Wait a minute. Where are all the sheep?

NATHAN: They ran off.

JACOB: What??

CALEB: It wasn't our fault Jake.

NATHAN: It was his fault

JACOB: Who's fault?

NATHAN: His. The angel of the Lord. While he was telling us about the Messiah and the city of David, a bunch of those angel fellows showed up and started singing and playing music...

CALEB: There were a lot of them.

NATHAN: ..and it scared the @#$% out of the sheep...

CALEB: It scared the @#$% out of me

NATHAN: ...and the sheep scattered.

JACOB: OK, let me get this straight. This guy shows up, says he's an angel, then more angels showed up and scared the sheep?

NATHAN: That's right

CALEB: It's true!

[JACOB turns and glares at the angel]

JACOB: Look, uh... What is your name?

ANGEL: I am the angel of the Lord.

JACOB: Do you have a real name?

ANGEL: It's Eddie.

NATHAN: Eddie?? 

CALEB: What kind of name for an angel is that?

JACOB: Look, Eddie. You can't just come in and scare off my flock.

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy...

JABOB: Yeah, yeah. So you are the angel of the Lord?

ANGEL: Verily.

JACOB: Show me an I.D.

ANGEL: I.D.?

NATHAN: We asked him that.

CALEB: He ain't got ID.

JACOB: Well, I need something to prove your really an angel of the Lord.

CALEB: Uh-oh.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

JACOB: Holy @#$%!!!

NATHAN: That's what I said.

JACOB: No wonder the sheep ran off. That must have scared the @#$% out of them.

CALEB: It scared the @#$% out of me!

NATHAN: What do you think, Jake? Is he legit?

JACOB: He might be. That was a pretty good trick.

CALEB: Maybe we should go check it out, just to see if it's true or not.

JACOB: Good Idea. Hey, Eddie, how do we find the Messiah?

ANGEL: And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

JACOB: Babe?

NATHAN: Swaddling clothes?

CALEB: What are swaddling clothes?

NATHAN: Diapers.

JACOB: The messiah is a baby?

ANGEL: Verily.

CALEB: What does "verily" mean? 

NATHAN: It means "true."

JACOB: How is a baby suppose to help?

NATHAN: He is a baby.

CALEB: In swaddling clothes.

JACOB: How can a baby do anything.

ANGEL: He will increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

NATHAN: And then he will save us rom the Romans?

ANGEL: The Savior is not her to help you against the Romans.

JACOB: Then why is he here?

ANGEL: To save mankind from sin.

JACOB: [Contemplating] Well, I suppose that is important too.

NATHAN: What about it, Jake. Do you think its true?

JACOB: Well, it seems a bit odd. Especially the babe in a manger part.

CALEB: In swaddling clothes.

JACOB: But Eddie here seems to be telling the truth.

NATHAN: Maybe we should go to Bethlehem, and see for ourselves.

JACOB: Good idea. So Eddie, you're sure the Messiah is in Bethlehem? Not Jerusalem?

ANGEL: Bethlehem.

JOSIAH: Well, come on then, let's go into Bethlehem and find the Messiah so we can adore him.

CALEB: Adore him?

NATHAN: He means go check him out.

ANGEL: I Shall leadeth the way

JACOB: Not so fast. You're not going anywhere. You and your angel buddies are going to round up all the sheep that you scattered. And no music!

NATHAN: It scares the @#$% out of the sheep.

CALEB: It scares the @#$% out of me.

ANGEL: But...

JACOB: No buts! You're the reason the sheep scattered, so you can round them up while we go to Bethlehem.

ANGEL: But...

JACOB: Look, pal. Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry. Now start collecting sheep!

ANGEL: Yes, sir.

JACOB: OK, let's go.

CALEB: Hey, Jake. If this really is the Messiah, we should bring him a present.

JACOB: Good idea.

NATHAN: Where do we get presents at this time of night?

JACOB: There's a convenience store on the main street thats open 24 hours.

NATHAN: Convenience store? What kind of presents can you get there?

JACOB: They got disposable diapers.

NATHAN: Diapers? What kind of a gift is that?

JACOB: Well, the angel did say the Messiah was a baby.

NATHAN: Good point.

JACOB: And they got cigars

CALEB: For a baby?

JACOB: Not for a baby you schdimwit. For the father, uh... what's his name??

ANGEL: Joseph

JACOB: What about the mother? What can we get her?

CALEB: I know. Chocolate!

JACOB: Oh, yeah. If there is something women like, it's chocolate.

[Exit: Shepherds]

March Winds, April Showers, Easter, April Fools, and 4-20

There are a few holidays in April.

The most predominant, of course, is Easter

Easter for those of you who really don't know...

And if you really dont know, you really need to pay more attention to what's going on around you.

...Easter (sometimes referred to as Resurrection Sunday) is the celebration of Christ's death and subsequent resurrection, affirming that he was the son of God
.
Now, some of you may not believe in Christ. And I won't argue here whether he did or did not exist, or if he did whether he was or was not the Son of God, or whether there is or is not even a God.

But whether you believe or don't, whether Christ did or did not exist, he has had a profound effect on history, society, and the world in general - not just in a spiritual way but in a physical way as well. Let me explain:
A dear friend of mine, one Rev Heath, once told me this "Even if something is not real, if enough people believe that it is real, it will have real consequences."

(Yes, Diana. I was paying attention during our conversations).

So even if (for the sake of an argument) Christ was not real. billions of people (past and present) believe that he is. Therefore he has real consequences.

And for those who object to Christ's teachings, what did he say that was so wrong? Love your neighbor, do good, don't return evil, look both ways before crossing the street... No, wait. That was my mom.

But I digress

Love your neighbor and do good. Is this a bad thing? Really??? Personally, I think we need more of this type of philosophy to permeate our society.

What I do have a problem with at times is the actions of some (so called) Christians, and the things they do in the name of Christ.

I won't go into detail. I could do a whole blog entry of "bad Christians." I could do a weekly blog on this subject.

Many (many) Christians implement their faith in an unchristian-like manner, but that has been around since day one of Christianity Many of St. Paul's letter's addressed issues and contained admonishments to the new churches about improper Christian practices.
Basically, it can be summed up like this: Christ taught that we should love one another, for which he was killed. After thinking about it some, people decided that it was a good idea, and then for the past 2000 years have argued and fought over how to properly love one's neighbors.

(I didn't come up with the above thought - it was from the writer Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker's Trilogy, et.al.)

I'm glad God love is perfect. I was God, I would not be very inclined to save humanity.

But I digress, again.

I like Easter, as do my dogs.

Last Easter, they got up early early, in order to ambush the Easter Bunny.

Being dogs, they do not like rabbits or other small rodent-like creatures such as squirrels and chipmunks and such.

They didn't get him.

How did rabbits get associated with Easter? Or for that matter colored eggs? Or chocolate?

Or a traditional Baked Ham? Jesus was Jewish, so we know darn well that Baked Ham was not what they ate at the last supper!

I searched the bible and the only reference I found was in the old testament, which declares Rabbits un-kosher. And there were no references to coloring eggs or chocolate in connection to the resurrection (or any other aspect of Christianity). Mary Magdalene DID NOT ask a giant 6 foot rabbit (named Harvey) if he knew where they had taken Christ's body. There were no eggs laying around that particular Sunday morning (colored or otherwise). And the only reference to chocolate was in Paul's letter to the Midichlorians warning then "not to eat all the chocolate, lest your butts become enlarged."


Some Christians object to such "pagan" rituals associated with Easter. Some don't even like the name Easter (also of pagan origins). But these same people celebrate Christmas, which is actually of pagan origins. In fact, there are more paganisms in Christmas than all the other holy-days combined.

What??? you may be asking. Christmas pagan???

Christ was not born December 25th. No where in the bible does it give a date for his birth, and scholars say it was most likely not in the winter months.

but I am digressing yet again.

4-20.

This is a relatively new (historically speaking) holiday. It is not recognized, or even sanctioned by the government.

In fact, the sacrement of this holiday is illegal (except in Washington and Colorado)

Some years ago, 4-20  and Easter fell on the same day. Which was weird. On that particular evening, me and my friend Keith (the redneck) decided to go to the mini-casino for a couple of drinks and a few hand of Blackjack.

Regular readers may remember the story of Keith at the Indian casino. by this time however, Keith had (finally) learned that he ws not going to get rich at Blackjack, and only gambled moderatly.

The casino we went to was one we frequented on a regular basis. It was across the street (somewhat) from where I was working at the time, and I would often go there after work for a drink, or two. Keith would often join me there.

The casino was run by J.B. (we never new if this was his real name, or his initials), a man who was the most professional looking person I had ever seen. Suit and tie, stern demeanor, never smiled - the perfect casino floor boss. He wasn't intimidating, he just never smiled - until this night.

After a few drinks, and a few hands of Blackjack, we decided to call it a night and proceeded out to our cars (or in Keith's case, his truck). As we were leaving, we saw J.B. outside smoking a cigarette on his break. As we walked past, I wished him a Happy Easter, and received a polite "Thank you, you too," and Keith followed that with "And if you are so inclined, Happy Holidays" referring to 4-20.

J.B. paused for half a moment, then responded with "I am, and I will after I get off work."

The things you never suspected about people.

April Fools day.

I have managed to pull of a few good April Folls pranks. And the reason I managed to suceed was that I didn't pull them on the 1st of April - that would be too obvious.

As long as you say, or do, something with a striaght face, people are inclined to belive you no matter how outrageous it is.

The classic prank, on that me and my cohort still laugh at 30 years later was the Bill You Have A Child prank:

After High School, our friend (Bill) ran off to who knows where and didn't bother to call or write or nothing for almost a two years before finally contacting us.

We decide to get paybacks.

We prefaced the prank with "the seed." Both me and my cohort (Gene) mentioned (casually) in letters to Bill that we had seen Linda. We didn't say which Linda, which could have been one of three that he dated while he was here.

We also mentioned (casually) that she - Linda - was with her daughter.

We also mentioned that we mentioned him to "her" and that she eagerly asked for his address which we gave to "her." Later, in a phone call from him, he told me (and later told Gene) that he wished we hadn't given her the address because the baby could be his.

Which confirmed that he had "done" at least one of the three Lindas.

To this day we don't know which one.

Phase two: I wrote up a ficticous letter (from Linda) that he had a child, etc, etc, and even enclosed a photo of some small child (I got it with a picture frame I bought). I had another friend of the female persuasion, who had lovely, femenine handwritting, to write it out. We mailled it off...

..and waited.

Two days later, when Gene and I were returning from classes at the college, we ran into my mother at the mall, who informed me my friend Bill was trying to get ahold of me and wanted tme to call him back - and I could call collect.

Gene called me later and said his mom told him more or less the same thing.

We made him "stew" for two days before I finally returned his call. I acted casual, as if I didn't know what was up. Excitedly, he told me that Linda wrote him, the child was his, etc, etc.

You could hear the anxiety in his voice.

When he finished telling me everything, I told him I wondered if that had anything to do with the Attorney that was trying to contact me and Gene.

"What???" he exclaimed.

I could feel the sweat through the phone line.

I played him for a moment, then let him off the hook. He was so relived that it was all a joke, he forgot to call me a @#$%.

I received a letter from him a few days later. All it said was "You are an @#$%"

Gene was called a @#$%  personally by a phone call.

Bill Lowe, if you are out there, send me an email. Me and Gene (your @#$% friends) would love to hear how you are doing.

The Supreme Being vs The Supreme Court

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Warning: Although this blog entry is not one of the Bible as Comedy series, it does contains material that might be considered offensive to narrow minded Christian fanatics (NMCFs). If you are a NMCF you might want to skip this and maybe go to a  non-offensive website.

---

Still here? Good!

My Uncle Theo was, for many years, a member of his local school board. Back in the 1980s, one of the controversies was images of the 10 commandments being displayed in public schools. The Supreme Court ruled that it violated separation of church and state and thus they needed to be removed.



Uncle Theo was a good God-fearing christian. The only thing he feared more that God was my Aunt Claire. So when the chairman of the school board announced that all that the 10 commandments were to be removed, he objected.

THEO: Who's bright idea was that?

CHAIRMAN: The Supreme Court.

THEO: So why do we need to take them down?

CHAIRMAN: They might be considered offensive.

THEO: To who? Everyone in this town is Methodists.

Agnes Dalrymple,
recording secretary for
the school board.

AGNES DALRYMPLE : Not everyone. The Cohens are Jewish.

THEO: Jews are where the 10 commandments came from! Seriously, who are we offending? There aren't any Buddhist in our town.

CHAIRMAN: It don't matter. The commandments must come down.

THEO: That's ridiculous. Next thing you know they will be telling us no praying in the class rooms.

JASPER WOODWICK: Well, actually...

THEO: Don't say it!

CHAIRMAN: Next item on the agenda: Theft has increased in the high-school. Any suggestions on a remedy?

THEO: Maybe we could put up signs in the hallways that say Thou shall not steal?

The Ten Commandments, also known as the Decalogue, are a set of biblical principles relating to ethics and worship, which play a fundamental role in Judaism and Christianity. They include instructions to worship only God and to keep the sabbath, and prohibitions against idolatry, blasphemy, murder, theft, dishonesty, and adultery. Different groups follow slightly different traditions for interpreting and numbering them. According to the story in Exodus, God inscribed them on two stone tablets, which he gave to Moses on Mount Sinai.

Moses was, according to the Bible a religious leader, lawgiver, and prophet (the most important prophet in Judaism), to whom the authorship of the Torah is traditionally attributed. He is also an important prophet in Christianity and Islam, as well as a number of other faiths.

According to the Book of Exodus, Moses was born in a time when his people, the Children of Israel, were increasing in numbers and the Egyptian Pharaoh was worried that they might help Egypt's enemies. Moses' Hebrew mother, Jochebed, hid him when the Pharaoh ordered all newborn Hebrew boys to be killed, and the child was adopted as a foundling by the Egyptian royal family. After killing an Egyptian slavemaster, Moses fled across the Red Sea to Midian, where he encountered the God of Israel in the form of a "burning bush".

God sent Moses back to Egypt to request the release of the Israelites. After the Ten Plagues, Moses led the Exodus of the Israelites out of Egypt and across the Red Sea, after which they based themselves at Mount Sinai, where Moses received the Ten Commandments. After 40 years of wandering in the desert, Moses died within sight of the Promised Land.

SARAH: 40 years? ME: That's what the Bible says. SARAH: That's ridiculous! Macky Rae, how far is it from Cairo to Jerusalem? MACKY RAE: How should I know? SARAH: Look it up on Google. MACKY RAE: 265 miles. SARAH: See? Seriously, Dad. They could have driven there in less than 5 hours. FREEDOM: They didn't have cars back then. They had to walk. SARAH: Forty years to walk 265 miles? FREEDOM: Maybe they stopped for lunch. MACKY RAE: Or for a potty break. SARAH: For 40 years? FREEDOM: That is one long potty break. According to our calculations, the Israelites average 6.625 miles a year. SARAH: You know what I think? I think he got lost. Guys are always getting lost and messing stuff up. ME: That's not true. SARAH: It is too. Just like our vacation last year. ME: What was wrong with our vacation? I thought you liked the beach. SARAH: We were suppose to be going to Yellowstone Park so Macky could see the bears! MACKY RAE: I didn't see any bears at the beach. SARAH: The reason we went to the beach is the same reason Moses took 40 years to reach the promised land: men will not stop and ask for directions!

Moses did many amazing things such as:

• Talked to God
• Brought 10 plagues down on the Pharaoh
• Freed the Israelites from slavery
• Parted the Red Sea
• And unparted it on the Egyptian army which, according to Macky Rae, is the most awesomest part of the movie
• Received the Ten Commandments from God
• Led "God's Chosen People" to the Promised Land (Although Sarah doesn't think this is as amazing as everyone else does)

---

MACKY: And he turned water into wine!

FREEDOM: That was Jesus

MACKY: Oh, yeah. But I bet he could have if he wanted too.

---

But Moses never went up
against the Supreme Court.

Moses did many amazing, miraculous things,
but he never went up against the Supreme Court.

There are many people who believe the ten commandments are the basis for our laws and legal system, but this is incorrect. They will tell you this, citing the fact that all our founding fathers were all Christians, but this proves nothing except the saying that even if a million people say something, it is still wrong.

OK, smartie. Where did our legal system come from?

If you may recall, we were originally British colonists, and therefore used the British legal system. When we revolted, we used the existing (British) legal system, with a few modifications.

Yeah? So they based their legal system on the ten commandments. After all, the British were Christians as well. 

Not originally. If you remember from history class, Britain was invaded in the 5th century by Angles, Saxons, and a variety of other pagans who brought there legal system with them from Germany. Thus, the foundations of our legal system are not biblically based, but rather based on the legal system of heathens!



Taken as a whole (and derived from a religious text) the ten commandments are unconstitutional (the violate separation of church and state). But how would each commandment stand by themselves? If each of them, one by one on their own merits, where reviewed by the nine honorable justices of the Supreme Court?

Congress shall make no law
respecting an establishment
of religion, or prohibiting the
free exercise thereof; or
abridging the freedom of speech,
or of the press; or the right of the
people peaceably to assemble, and
to petition the Government for a
redress of grievances.
- 1st Amendment, U.S. Constitution

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion (Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof).


2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion (see above). 


3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion (partially) and Freedom of Speech (kind of). Although profanity is considered free speech, you can't yell @#$%!!! in a crowded theater.


4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion. Blue laws were once common in the United States. The Supreme Court have held blue laws as constitutional numerous times due to secular reason even though the origin of the blue laws were for religious purposes. But strictly for religious reasons, it would be held unconstitutional.


5. Honour thy father and thy mother - upheld (I think). This one is iffy, but if such a law was passed, I can't think of a constitution ground for it being overturned, except (maybe) freedom of speech.


6. Thou shalt not kill - upheld


7. Thou shalt not commit adultery - upheld. Adultery is a criminal offense in 23 states.


8. Thou shalt not steal - upheld


9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour - upheld. Perjury ("false witnessing" in a court of law) is illegal in all jurisdictions within the United States.


10. Thou shalt not covet - upheld. Conspiracy to deprive your neighbor's house, wife, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour's is a crime.

As a whole, in addition to being unconstitutional on religious grounds, the ten commandments would have no legal standing as neither God nor Moses are/were elected officials.

In fact, neither could hold political office in the United States as neither are citizens of this country.

Joshua Ben Joseph

vs

The National Bible Publishing Company

Ever noticed the copyright notice in the front of the Bible? Unless yours is a King James version, there will be a notice like

Copyright © 2013 National Bible Publishing Co (all rights reserved)

followed by a warning that explains what happens if you violate the copyright. But how can someone copyright the Bible? They can't. What is copyrighted is the translation.


Other countries have similar laws,
and most countries worldwide adhere
to the Berne Convention regarding
intellectual property rights.

In the United States, books and other material are automatically copyrighted when they are created, giving the creator exclusive rights to the work for his entire life, plus 70 years, after which it becomes "public domain" and can be freely copied without anyone having to pay royalties (such as with the King James version).

Key words: "life, plus 70 years."

See where I am going with this?

Christianity has become a very popular religion in the past 2000 years. In the United States, over 85% of the population claims to believe in Christianity (although you sometimes wonder considering the overall behavior of Americans). Worldwide, over 2 billion people adhere to one form of Christianity or another, all of them unified in the belief that Jesus is the living, breathing Son of God.

Now do you see where I'm going with this?

If the Son of God is still alive, then his rights to the Bible are still valid. In other words, the Bible is not public domain.

God has blessed us with an abundance of many things in this country, and one of them is lawyers. All it would take is one lawyer to file a claim in court, suing the The National Bible Publishing Company (et al.) on behalf of the Savior over back royalties, and the next think you know we have a major law suit.

Don't think it would work?

Keep in mind that (usually) a case is not decided by the judge, but a jury of people who are (usually) neither judges, lawyers, or members of the legal profession. If a lawyer were to file such a lawsuit in the bible belt, it wouldn't be that hard to find 12 people who believe that the Son of God is alive and well, and entitled to back royalties.

In fact, in the bible belt, it would hard to find 12 that didn't.

Most of the clipart courtesy of  Phillip Martin.



My dogs on Bathing, Eating, and Religion

I hate baths!

My dogs hate baths - positive proof that they are not Labradors.

Freedom, my oldest dog, is stoic when it comes to bath time. He doesn't like it, but he doesn't complain. He accepts being bathed, and then moves on with his life.

Sarah (my female) complains. She has that "I don't like this" expression on her face, and afterwards climbs up on a chair and pouts, staring at me with that "how could you do this to me" look until she is dry, then goes on with her life.

Macky Rae (my youngest) argues. His little dog brain comes up with so many excuses why he doesn't need to take a bath, highlights (and my response) include:

I don't want it in the house,
I don't want it with a mouse,
I do not, do not, want a bath,
I do not want one, Sam I Am.

• I do not need a bath
  (Yes, you do.)
• I had a bath last year
  (He used this the first time when he was three months old)
• Other dogs in the neighborhood do not have to take baths
  (they would if they lived here
  or you are not "other" dogs)
• I  am suppose to smell like a dog
  (not that much like a dog)
• I am not stinky yet
  (Yes, you are)
• Maybe I want to be stinky
  (well, maybe I don't want you to be stinky)

Macky will back into the corner and tremble in fear (or maybe it's just the Chihuahua in him). He begs, he pleads, but eventually he runs out of excuses (or I run out of patience) and into the bath he goes. His little body goes limp, and just as he hits the water I hear him softly say"oh, crap" as he knows, once again, Dad has defeated him.

He is washed, shampooed, rinsed, (repeat), removed from the tub, dried, and combed. After which, he runs around like a crazed dog, rolling around where ever he can to restore some scent, as if to say "ha, ha, Dad, I am going to get stinky again!"

But the reason I tell this story is so I can tell you this one:

The Patron Saint of Dogs

 

St Roche

As a good parent/dog owner, I do my best to see to it that the dogs are well cared for. The are well fed, and clean (see above). They are vaccinated, routinely treated with flea and tick medication (there ain't no bugs on me). Anything to keep my dogs healthy and safe. And this includes their spiritual well being.

A friend of mine, a teamster as well as being Catholic, wears a St Christopher medal. He hasn't been to mass in years, and his so far behind in his confessions that he will require half a day to get caught up (and another half day for the Hail Marys). Despite this (or because of this), he wears a St Christopher medal - just to be safe.

So I got to thinking, maybe I could get something like that for my dogs. 



I began to wonder if there is a Patron Saint of dogs. I ask my friend if he knew if there was a dog-saint. He said he didn't know, but said there probably was, as there was a saint for everything else.

So I did a brief Google search, and found St Roche, Patron Saint of bachelors, diseased cattle, falsely accused people, invalids, cholera, epidemics, knee problems, plague, skin diseases, surgeons, tile-makers, gravediggers, second-hand dealers, pilgrims, apothecaries,

and dogs!

MACKY: I thought St Bernard was the Patron Saint of Dogs. SARAH: You thought wrong. MACKY: Then what is Bernard the patron Saint of? SARAH: Brandy!!! Actually, I thought it was Remy Martin. SARAH: No, Dad. Remy Martin is the Patron Saint of Cognac. I stand corrected. But we digress...

While investigating St. Roche and other saints, I learned that my friend was indeed correct. Nothing against the Catholic Church, but there appears to be a Patron Saint for just about anything, and some of it is a bit bizarre. Here are a few examples:

• St Barbara Patron Saint of Firework
  And the drunk idiots that injure themselves every year?
  St Barbara is also the Patron of bomb disposal. In fact she is the Patron Saint of just about everything that explodes, and those who work in those areas.
• St Basilissa Patron Saint of breast feeding.
  There is also St Giles, but why they would make a man a breast feeding saint is beyond me. But then, two of the three Patron Saints of pregnant women are men, so go figure.

And speaking of pregnancy:
Margret of Antioch is the Patron Saint of women giving birth, but St Anne is the Patron Saint of women in labor. Isn't this the same thing?

• St Bibiana Patron Saint of Hangovers
  Hair of the dog?
• St Brendan the Navigator Patron Saint of Whales
  Catholic Whales. Who knew?
• St Cyril of Alexandria Patron Saint of Bathrooms
  Protection against filthy bathrooms?
• St Dominic Savio Patron Saint of Juvenile Delinquents 
  And which Patron Saint protects you from juvenile delinquents?
• St Drogo Patron Saint of Unattractive People
  I know a few people who might need his patronage. Drogo is also the Patron Saint of coffee shops. And ugly people at coffee shops.
• St Dymphna Patron Saint of Insanity.
  There coming to take me away, ha ha...
• St Edmund of East Anglia Patron Saint of Wolves.
  If wolves can be Catholic, so can my dogs!
• St Fiacre Patron Saint of Sexually Transmitted Disease  
  He is also the Patron Saint of hemorrhoid sufferers. Same general area, I guess.

Temptation.

And speaking of sex:
St Angela of Foligno, St Catherine of Siena, St Margaret of Cortona, St Mary of Edessa, St Mary of Egypt, St Mary Magdalene, St Mary Magdalen of Pazzi, and St Pelagia of Antioch are all Patron Saints of sexual temptation. 

• St Genesius of Rome Patron Saint of Comedians
  No joking!
• St Gertrude of Nivelles Patron Saint of the fear of mice (suriphobia) She is also the Patron Saint of cats, so we are not too fond of her at our house.
• St Hubert of Liege Patron Saint of mad dogs (and dog bites)
  As we are all updated on our shots, we are not to concerned about rabies. Other "dog-bite" saints are Vitus, Walburga, and Ubald. 
• St Isidore of Seville Patron Saint of the Internet, Computer Users, Technicians, and Programmers
  How does a man who died in 636AD get put in charge of computers?
• St John Francis Regis Patron Saint of illegitimate children
  Many of which may also revere St Dominic Savio (above)
• St Monica Patron Saint of Alcoholics
  Reformed alcoholics revere St Martin of Tours


St Vitus	St Hubert

So, confirming that there was, indeed, a Dog Saint (actually, there are a few) the next step would be to find medallions. Not knowing of any stores that sold Catholic medal, I searched online, not sure if I would find it.

I did.

There were numerous vendors of Catholic paraphernalia, and even medals of a lesser known saint such as Roche were readily available. Prices ranged from as little as $3 to as much as $500 for one made of 14K gold. Sterling silver ran around $75. As pretty as they no doubt would look on my dogs. I elected to buy the $3 medals.

I, myself, do not wear (or even own) any gold jewelry. I see no reason that my dogs should wear it. I love my dogs, but seriously.

Besides, my dogs are not slaves of fashion. They would be just as happy with the $3 medals as they would with the $500 gold ones. And I would be less upset should one of them loose the $3 medal as I would if they lost a $500.

And quite frankly, I just don't have $1500 to spend on gold jewelry for dogs.

In fact, I just don't have $1500.

So I asked the dogs what they thought of the idea of getting St Roche medals. Sarah, being female, liked the idea of jewelry, and Freedom and Macky Rae referred to it as "dog-bling." But they were a bit confused as to it's exact purpose. I explained it was for protection.

FREEDOM: So it works like a flea collar?

More of a "spiritual" flea collar. St Roche protects dogs from harm, such as getting hit by cars when crossing the street.

MACKY: I do not want to get ranned over by a car!

So figuring it wouldn't hurt, they agreed.

FREEDOM: Do we have to be Catholic to work?

ME: I don't think so.

SARAH: Maybe we should become Catholic, just to be sure.

MACKY: How do we be Catholic?

I explained what I new about Catholicism, and the dogs listened patiently up until I got to baptism.

MACKY: What's baptism?

ME: It's when they immerse you in water, symbolic of having your sins washed away.

Macky eyed me suspiciously.

MACKY: Dad, is this a trick to get us to take a bath?

Shall we say grace?

As a dog owner, I am careful about what my dogs eat, and don't eat - chocolate, grapes, raisins, (chocolate covered raisins), etc. I try not to feed them too much garbage. I want them to stay as healthy as possible.

Surprisingly, there are some meats
that my dogs will not eat. I got a
package of Buddig™ pressed ham
slices (because it is very cheap).
It got three paws down by the
canine review committee. They
refused to eat it. They were hungry
(they ate my food).

So I wonder about Buddig™ lunch
meat. Seriously, if a dog won't eat
a "meat" product...

They like meat (perhaps their favorite flavor) and hot dogs fall into that category.  I usually get them Oscar Mayer because they have no fillers or by-products (no unneeded crap), but one day I went and the store was out. And I had to bring them some back, because I told them I would. So I looked around and saw Hebrew National - kosher! Kosher hot dogs have to be clean in order to be kosher. So I bought them and take them home to my dogs.

Well, they noticed the switch right away. Macky immediately said "Those are not Mister Oscar hot dogs!" I explained that the store was out of "Mister Oscar" and that these were just as good, explaining to them that they were kosher.

MACKY: What does that mean?

SARAH: It means the answer to a higher power.  

Sarah must have seen the commercial.

ME: That's right. There motto is "no ifs, ands, or buts."

MACKY: That's good because I do not want to eat any butts.

Neither do I

Freedom, my oldest (and wisest) dog asked "Do we need to be Jewish to eat them?"

A good question.

"No" I explained. "Anyone can eat them. Kosher just means they are approved by Jewish rabbis"

Me and my dogs can't become
Jewish. We like bacon!!!

"How do you become Jewish?" Macky asked.

Another good question.

I gave him a brief explanation of Judaism, and we were fine up until I got to the circumcision part. Macky asked what that was (another good question) and I explained it to him. He was horrified (as was Freedom). It was too much like neutering, which is something male dogs do not like to think about.

"Dad" Macky said "I think I would rather be Catholic and take a bath."

I can't blame him.

Mister Francis

So I ordered the St Roche medals (the $3 ones), got a money order for the full amount ($9 plus shipping and handling), and sent it to the seller. It would, according to the seller, arrive in 3-5 working days. This, however, was not soon enough for my dogs, especially Macky Rae who was afraid of being "ranned over" before they arrived.

To alleviate Macky's angst, I went shopping and returned with a statuette of St Francis of Assisi.

SARAH: What is that?

ME: A statue of St Francis of Assisi.

MACKY: Who?

ME: St Francis of Assisi. Its to protect you.

FREEDOM: I thought we were getting St Roche medals?

ME: You are. This is to protest you until they arrive.

SARAH: St Francis will protect us?

ME: Yes. He is the Patron Saint of animals.

MACKY: Does that include us? We are animals!

ME: Yes it does.

MACKY: Cool. So I will not get ranned over crossing the street.

I should have just told them it was a statue of St Roche, as I doubt they would have known the difference. I would have, except it said St Francis on the base. Actually, it said San Francisco, Freedom noticed it immediately.

FREEDOM: Why does it say San Francisco on the bottom?

MACKY: Is that where Mister Francis lives?

ME: No. San Francisco is how you say St Francis in Spanish.

SARAH: St Francis was Spanish?

ME: No, he was Italian.

MACKY: So why does he have a Spanish name?

ME: Because I bought the statue in a Hispanic shop.


St Francis
of Assisi

MACKY: Will it work in English, or do we need to learn Spanish?

FREEDOM: Maybe it will only work for Hispanics.

SARAH: We are Hispanic.

MACKY: We are?

SARAH: Yes. We are part Chihuahua.

I guess that counts

ME: It will work, guys. I promise.

Freedom and Sarah seemed to like it, but Macky was eyeing me suspiciously.

ME: What's wrong?

MACKY: Why is he wearing a bathrobe?

ME: It's called a monk's habit.

MACKY: I guess that means Mister Francis doesn't like stinky dogs either.

Oh, there ain't no bugs on me
Oh, there ain't no bugs on me
There might be bugs on some of you mugs
Oh, there ain't no bugs on me

The Bible as Comedy (Part 2)

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Warning: This blog entry contains material that would be considered offensive to narrow minded Christian fanatics (NMCFs).

If you fall into this category, please do not read any further.

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In fact, maybe you should go

visit a non-offensive website.

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Still here? Good! 

This is part 2 of The Bible as Comedy.
If you missed part 1, click here.

Macky Rae, my youngest dog, watches a lot of TV. He enjoys science (especially PBS documentary on dogs and/or wolves), science fiction, (he is a big fan of Star Trek), "1950s Era Black and White Giant Insect Films," and (thanks to Aunt Amy) Zombie Flicks.

He also likes to channel surf, searching for the aforementioned subjects.

While channel surfing the other day, he encountered several Christian programs on a few of the hundreds of channels available on our cable package.

"Dad" he asked. "Why are there so many religious show on TV?"

 "So everyone can find Jesus, I guess" I answered.

"Dogs don't need Jesus" he told me.

"Really? You don't believe in Jesus?"

"I did not say that, Dad. I said we do not "need" Jesus. Only people need Jesus. Humans disobeyed God by eating from the forbidden fruit, animals did not. That is why you need Jesus, so you can go to heaven.

"So only people need Jesus."

"And snakes."

"I see."

"And that's why a lot of animals do not like humans" he added. "We all had a very good thing going in the Garden of Eden, and then the people messed it up for the rest of us."

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"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam." ~George Carlin

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The idea of using the Bible

as a source for comedy is not

a new one. A classic example

is Bill Cosby's Noah routine.

A while back, I did a blog called "The Bible as Comedy." In that God did not smite me down, and I did not receive any hate mail (hoping that God would smite me down), I have decided to revisit this theme with another offering of biblical humor.

Many Colleges and universities offer a variety of Bible-based courses. In additional to the religious based ones, there are also such classes as The Bible as Literature, The Bible as History, and The The Bible as Geography, The Bible as Social Science, etc. I want to teach a class called The Bible as Comedy.

The Bible as Comedy?

Verily...

Biblical scholars will tell you that there are no jokes in the Bible. But if you read between the lines (or between the verses, if you will) there are a few humorous moments to ponder. With that, I give you:

The Bible as Comedy
(Old testament - Genesis, Chapter 3)

Genesis chapter 3 tells of the "Fall of Man" (referenced above by my biblical savvy young hound). But before we begin...

Many Christians refer to God with the honorific "Father," as in "Our Father, Thou art in heaven..." But what if we took this more literal. What if we gave God the same attributes and motivation as real fathers? This would make God easier to understand. And considering that Adam and Eve were, essentially, children during the time of Eden, the relationship between them and God was no doubt quite similar to that of earthly families.

Keep that in mind when you read this. 

Synopsis of Genesis chapters 1 and 2:

God made everything!

 And he did it 6 days! which goes to show you what you can accomplish unencumbered by government regulations and restrictions.

 Although we would like a bit more information regarding the platypus.

But there is one thing mentioned that makes me think:

[Gen 2:9] And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

[Gen 2:16] And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: [Gen 2:17] But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

In the midst of the Garden? God put the tree (pleasant to the sight) that he does NOT want them to eat from in the middle of the garden?

I think mankind got set up!

But I digress...

On to chapter three:

[3:1] Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

I dare you to eat the fruit.

[3:2] And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3:3] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. 

Dad said "no".

[3:4] And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: [3:5] For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

I double-dog dare you to eat it.

Temptation.

[3:6] And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

Women are always getting guys into trouble. Why do we put up with it? Oh, wait. I remember. Never mind.

[3:7] And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

Fig Leaves? What were they thinking.

And where did the sewing kit come from?

 [3:8] And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

The kids hear Dad, home from work, pulling into the driveway. They hide, because they are in trouble.

[3:9] And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

Dad comes home and finds the kids missing. Usually, they run up, yelling "Dads home! Dads home!" but today the don't. He notices the broken lamp. He says "Children, where are you?"

[3:10] And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. [3:11] And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

Kids come out of hiding. Dad asks "Anyone know anything about the broken lamp?"

[3:12] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

The oldest always blames the younger kid. In this case, she was guilty, but this is not a requirement in order to pass the blame.

[3:13] And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

"The Devil made me do it."

[3:14] And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: [3:15] And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

Even today, most people do not like snakes.

[3:16] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Childbirth is going to hurt. Big-time.

[3:17] And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; [3:18] Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; [3:19] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Get a haircut, and get a real job!!

[3:20] And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.

I suppose up until this point, Adam just refered to her as "Hey, you." Up until now, a name was not really needed (after all she was the only woman around). But having aquired the knowledge of good and evil from the forbidden fruit, names were now required.

And clothes. 

[3:21] Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

Leather has always been stylish. Fig leaves have not.

Or another "Dad" oriented comment: "You are not going out dressed like that!" We all heard that at least once growing up (especially if you were female), Dad making you go change before you could go out. Granted, we were not trying to go out in fig leaves...

[3:22] And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: [3:23] Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.

Get a haircut, and get a real job!!

[3:24] So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Every Father's fantasy: kicking the kids out when they turn eighteen.

And while we are on a role, Chapter 4, verse 1:

And Adam knew (made love to) Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord. 



Two comments:   From the beginning, it seems, the first thing to go through a man's mind after he moves out from his parents is sex. And despite what you may have heard, you can get pregnant the first time. It says so in the Bible. It happened on the first first time.

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"With soap, baptism is a good thing." ~Robert Ingersoll

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For those who may be interested, these are the three "Noah" routines by Bill Cosby from his 1963 album Bill Cosby Is a Very Funny Fellow...Right!

  

Some of the clip art used on this blog
entry is courtesy of Phillip Martin.