Cigarettes, Whiskey, Wild (Wild) Women, and Clown Shoes

Cigarettes

You know who I miss?

Joe Camel.

If you ask me, the reasons R.J.Reynolds was forced to fire him (or what ever they did to him) was wrong. The accusation, in case you don't remember, was that Joe Camel, being a cartoon character, encouraged underage smoking.

Seriously? If a child decides to smoke because a cartoon camel smokes, he needs help. And probably shouldn't be watching TV.

The dancing cigarettes always

nice legs.

If you are old enough, you might remember when cigarettes could be advertised on TV. They banned them (the ads) in the 70s. They were rather artsy in there way. My favorite were the dancing cigarettes.

And here's one you will love:Winstons were advertised on The Flinstones back in the early 60s. Not only did children see a cigarette commercial during a cartoon (albeit during "Family Hour"), but check out the ad:



And you thought Joe Camel was bad? And there were several of these!

Before he entered politics, our 40th

president was an actor (most of you

knew that). He smoked Chesterfields.

He was also (then) a democrat.

Whiskey

June 1st in International Whiskey Appreciation Day. You won't find it on your calendar. It was a holiday that was invented by my Uncle Theo.

I've mentioned him a few times on this blog. And I will again.

It was on June 1st that the first documented record of Whiskey occurred. It was on this day in 1494 that The Rolls of the Royal Exchequer recorded:

To Friar John Cor, by order of the King, to make aquavitae, VIII bols of malt”.

Aquavitae is Latin for "water of life". In Gaelic, this would be  "uisge beatha", which was anglicized into "whiskey."

So everyone go out and have a shot of Whiskey on the first.

There is always a reason to Party. This month has a few: Flag Day, Father's Day, My Birthday, D-day, etc. There is also Doughnut Day (6th) and Bourbon Day (14th) and Martini Day (19th).

When I was in the military, we were always celebrating something. Groundhog's Eve was popular (that would be the evening of February 1st) and a few other goofy days - like Fri Day and Satur Day (popular drinking holidays in the military). It's easy to find something to celebrate, and if you are just not creative, there are websites that have reasons for every day.

One (out of many) is Party Excuses dot com.

Wild Women

This is a picture of Raquel Welch. She played Loana in One Million B.C. (1940).


She was hot. She still is.


I will cover "Wild Women" in a future blog entry. The really need an entry by themselves.

Clown Shoes

"Clown Shoes"

How do "clown shoes" fit in with cigarettes, whiskey and wild (wild) women?

They Don't.

But I am implementing a new program for Facebook (or I guess any other social media). Any time someone blindly shares and/or reposts something that makes them look foolish, I will award them "Clown Shoes"

For example: Anyone who reposts anything to do with the Government sticking computer chips in our butts as part of Obamacare will receive the Clown Shoe Award.

And everyone is invited to join in. All you need to do is cut and past the following URL into the comment box of the offending post, and then hit enter. The award, along with the Clown Shoe picture, will appear under the post.

http://danceswithdogs3.blogspot.com/p/clown-shoes-award.html

Cigarettes and Whiskey

(spoken:) A preachment, dear friends, you're about to receive,
on John Barleycorn, nicotine, and the temptations of Eve...

(sung:)
I once was happy and I had a good life
I had enough money to last me for life
I met with a gal and we went on a spree
She taught me to smoke and to drink whiskey.

Chorus: Cigarettes and whiskey and wild wild women
They'll drive you crazy they'll drive you insane.
Cigarettes and whiskey and wild wild women
They'll drive you crazy they'll drive you insane.

Cigarettes is a blot on the whole human race.
A man is a monkey with one in his face.
That's my definition, believe me dear brother,
A fire on one end and a fool on the t'other.

[Chorus]

Write on the cross at the head of my grave
To women and whiskey here lies a poor slave
Take warning dear stranger, take warning dear friend.
They'll write in big letters these words at my end.

[Chorus]

Hallelujah brother.

Beer, brewing, and health benefits.

In a previous blog entry entitled Barbecuing, Beer, and the Fourth of July, I mentioned a theory that beer may have been the catalyst that cause nomadic man to settle down and become civilized.

In brief, the theory goes that the cradles of civilization were abundant in food, and mankind would not need to settle and develop agriculture. Unless he wanted to brew beer. Then he would need to settle down, grow grain, etc.

New York Times: How Beer Gave Us Civilization.
History.com: Did Beer Spur the Rise of Agriculture and Politics?

I have another theory that goes along with the above beer theory: When ever a group of people migrated into a new area to settle, one of them eventually looked around and asked "I wonder what I can used to make booze out of?"

This theory would explains making Tequila out of cactus juice.

FYI: You will never find a worm in the bottle of Tequila. Only certain mescals are ever sold con gusano (with worm), and that only began as a marketing gimmick in the 1940s. Tequila (a form of mescal) is regulated by the Mexican government: it may only be made with blue agave (the cactus), can be produced only in limited regions, and cant have any "worms."

"From man’s sweat and God’s love, beer came into the world." ~ Saint Arnulf of Metz (c. 582 – 640)

Ever heard of St Arnulf? He was a 7th century Frankish bishop of Metz and advisor to the Merovingian court of Austrasia, who retired to the Abbey of Remiremont. He was canonized (made a saint) after his death, and eventually was made "The Patron Saint of Brewers." He is also one of my ancestors.

For real. Unlike the fictional relatives I blog about, this one actually existed.

In his sermons, Arnulf told the parishioners to drink more beer. The reasons was not so much spiritual as hygiene. At the time, the water supply was often contaminated, carrying germs and other icky stuff that caused illness. Beer, on the other hard, killed the germs through the brewing process, making it healthier to drink than water - a fact noted by Arnulf (amongst others).

The only problem I have with the beer mug
story is this: What kind of tavern runs out
of beer?

Legend of the Beer Mug

Arnulf eventually retired to a monastery, and died in 640. The citizens of Metz requested, and were granted, permission to return his body to Metz. According to the legend, it was a hot day and the people assigned to return the body decided to stop at a roadside tavern for a pint of beer.

But when they ordered, they were informed there was only enough beer left for one mug, so the party was forced to share the beer. Yet, miraculously, the mug never ran dry, and all had enough to drink.

The miracle was attributed to Arnulf, who in life advocated beer drinking, and as a result he was eventually designated the Patron Saint of Brewers.

One of them, anyhow.

Other "Beer Saints" include:

• St. Abdon: Patron saint of barrel-makers or coopers
• St. Adrian of Nicomedia: Patron saint of brewers and middle England’s brewers guild
• St. Amand: Patron saint of bar staff, bartenders & beer merchants
• St. Arnold of Soissons: Patron saint of brewers, hop-pickers
• St. Arnou of Oudenaarde: Patron saint of beer & Belgian brewers
• St. Augustine of Hippo: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Barbara: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Bartholomew: Patron saint of mead drinkers
• St. Boniface: Patron saint of brewers, German brewers & innkeepers
• St. Brigid: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Columbanus of Ghent: Patron saint of Belgium & brewers
• St. Cuthbert: Patron saint of maltsters
• St. Dorothy of Caesarea: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Florian: Patron saint of brewers, coopers & barrel-makers
• St. Hildegard of Bingen: Patron saint of hop-growers
• St. Lawrence of Rome: Patron saint of brewers & malsters
• St. Luke the Apostle: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Martin of Tours: Patron saint of innkeepers & tavern-keepers
• St. Matthew: Patron saint of publicans
• St. Medard of Noyon: Patron saint of brewers
• St. Nicholas: Patron saint of brewers (and yes, it’s that Saint Nick)
• St. Patrick: Patron saint of Ireland
• St. Theodotus: Patron saint of innkeepers
• St. Urban of Langres: Patron saint of coopers
• St. Veronus of Lambeek: Patron saint of Lambeek & Belgian brewers
• St. Wenceslas of Bohemia: Patron saint of Bohemia & Czech brewers

And that's just for beer. I haven't began on wine yet.

The Buffalo Theory

Scientists and other smart people in the medical profession have for sometime been aware of many other benefits of moderate beer consumption.

Note well, I said moderate.

These include:

• Reduced risk heart disease, and reduces chance of heart attack by 31%
• Stronger bones
• Healthier kidneys, and reduces risk of kidney stones.
• Source of fiber
• Source of B vitamins
• Low blood pressure
• Reduced risk of cancer
• Prevention of blood clots
• Reduced risk of diabetes
• And it makes you smarter!

Smarter?

Empirical research has shown that the brain speeds up after drinking beer. Known as the "Buffalo Theory," it was first presented to the scientific community on an episode of Cheers.

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

      
 In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
      
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.      

My dogs were horrified to learn that

cats were worshipped in ancient Egypt.

I was able to appease them by telling
them about Anubis, the jackal-headed
god of the afterlife.

A page from an ancient
Egyptian Cocktail Guide. 

Ever heard of tetracycline? It is a commonly used antibiotic used in medicine to treat a broad variety of infections. It was only discovered about 75 years ago...

Or so it was thought.

Archaeologist, analyzing a clay pot that was used to hold beer detected traces of tetracycline.

There are a plethora of papyrus documents from the age of the Pharaohs, and one of them contained a recipe for Egyptian beer.

So the Archaeologist decided to brew up a batch of Pharaonic beer, using equipment and paraphernalia from the time period, brewed some beer and tested it.

And got buzzed!

So they brewed up another batch, and this time instead of drinking it they analyzed it. And guess what they found?

Tetracycline!

It was not an apple that kept the doctor away in ancient Egypt, it was barley pop!



Macky Rae's Egyptian art

I brewed up a batch of beer once, back when I was in the Air Force.

Well, technically it wasn't beer, it was mead. It's a brewed beverage like beer, except instead of grain, it is made from fermented honey water.

When I was in the Air Force, I found a recipe in a paperback bartending guide. It was a relatively simple recipe, and I decided I wanted to try it. I don't know why I did. It may have been the honey aspect. I like honey. Even today, I prefer it in my coffee.

It was probably a way for me to rebel against the strict regime of military life.

I mean, it wasn't as if  couldn't go across the street to the base exchange and pick up a case. There was a mini-fridge in the room, and between me and the roommate there was usually more beer in it than food.

The problem was that at the time, I was billeted in the dormitory, and one of the rules was no cooking. So I was forced to enlist the aid of one of my fellow servicemen, A1C Gary Barkley, who (being married) lived off-base. His wife was out of town, visiting her people, which was a good thing because she would have freaked if she saw what we did to her kitchen.

We cleaned it all up before she returned, so it was all good.

We assembled the ingredients in a big-ass pot and cooked it as per the instructions. The concoction was brackish but we were not done just (so maybe it would look better). There was a lot of debris in the mixture, and the instructions said to strain out the debris.

Except we didn't have a strainer.

Improvise! Adapt! Overcome!

So we had to improvise, and we strained the concoction into the 1 quart Gatorade jars I had saved up (which were glass back in the 1980s) through a pair of pantyhose we borrowed generously donated by the lovely Mrs. Barkley (without her knowledge).

Before you say anything, it was a new (clean) pair.

And before you say anything, I bought her a new pair to replace the one we borrowed (although we never told her what we had done). We couldn't have the lovely Mrs Barkley smelling of home brew.

Gary kept a jar for himself, and I took the other 11 back to my room, and were stored underneath the sink.

A few days afterwards, the First Sergeant did his monthly dorm check. There are many words that would apply to SMSgt Sullivan, one of which was "thorough" and the brackish liquids stored under the sink did not escape his attention.

Another applicable word was "intelligent." Although he did not know what the brackish liquid was, he knew it wasn't Gatorade.

One afternoon, while I was at the CQ on routine business (unrelated to brewing), the First Sergeant stepped out of his office and (politely and casually) asked to speak with me for a moment.

Asking (FYI) is not the same in the military as it is in civilian life. Although he "asked," by virtue of the fact that he had more stripes on his sleeve than I did meant the "request" was not an option.

"I did room inspections the other day, and I noticed several jars of something under your sink. I was curious as to what it was."

As I said, he knew it wasn't Gatorade.

"Honey mead" I answered, and from his facial expression I realized that I was going to have to explain further.

I told him (briefly) about going to A1C Barkley's apartment and cooking the brackish liquid. I left out the part about the pantyhose

"You're bootlegging?" he asked, more of a comment than a question.

"Well, not in the traditional sense of the word, but I suppose that is a fairly close description. Technically I am just fermenting." I said, then asked "Is it against the regulations?"

He thought for a moment, the said "I don't know, but I don't think so. Alcohol is allowed in the room, and I would think this this fit that category. As long as you are not cooking it in your room, I don't see any violation."

I assured him that I was not cooking in the room.

"It will be ready in a few weeks" I informed him. "If you would like to come up and sample some..."

"That's OK" he said.

He turned and started re-entered his office. I turned, and was about to exit the CQ when the First Shirt called out to me.

"By the way, Airman Barnes. I am aware of the coffee pot that you have hidden in your foot locker."

 

 

Home brewed Honey Mead

This is not the recipe I used, but I couldn't find that one:

• 1 Gallon of Spring Water (do not get refrigerated)
• 3-4 pounds of pure unprocessed honey
• 1 balloon to stretch over the mouth of the spring water jug
• 1 package of Fleishmann’s Yeast (or any wine making yeast)
• 1 Tea Bag
• 1 Orange
• 25 Raisins



Another mead recipe:
Basic Mead (Epicurious.com)
and
12 Mead Recipes (Leeners.com)

Start by taking a pot and sanitizing it with some bleach water. (1 cap mixed with a gallon of water) Then sanitize a knife and a cutting board.

Pour off half of the water into the pot. Add the honey, raisins and tea bag to the jug, cut the orange into 8-10 pieces and add that with the yeast too.

The next step is to shake the jug vigorously, the more the better, 5 min would be ideal. This will aerate the mixture giving the yeast plenty of oxygen.

In about 3-5 hours you should start to see things happening.

In 3-5 weeks the balloon will be limp as most of the fermentation will be complete.  At this time if you choose to taste the wine you will notice the alcohol but a harsh flavor.  Place the jug somewhere for two to three months, any time after that you can drink it.

Optional Equipment & Steps:

1. Replace the plastic jug with a glass gallon jug and a vapor lock
2. Zest the orange add that to the must, remove the zested peel and add the orange insides.
3. After the first three weeks (when the balloon is limp) transfer to a second container without orange, tea bag or raisins.
4. Add 1-2 cloves for some spice. 

The Jameson Story

With St Patrick's day being the 17th, I will tell an Irish (whiskey) tale:

It was a cold January night, late in the evening. I had just gotten of work, and decided on a drink before I went home.

And no, this is not a DUI story. I didn't have a car at the time, and even if I did I would not have gone over the limit. And if I had, I would have been under the limit before I got into my car. I have never driven under the influence.

Well OK, once.

Technically twice.

---

The first time was in '85. I was in the Air Force then, stationed in Kelly AFB (San Antonio, TX). There was a new dance club opening (in town, not on base), and where as I do not dance I felt compelled to attend the Grand Opening as they were advertising free drinks.

There should be a law against advertising free drinks in a military town.

Needless to say, I was not the only GI who heard the radio ads. But the drinks were free. There was a free buffet as well. And free drinks.

Did I mention free drinks?

There were people dancing (hence the term "dance-club" and others were buffeting at the buffet. Me, I just ordered my drink, and went back to the end of the line so by the time I had finished it, I was at the front again.

Did I mention the drinks were free?

So I knew I was over the limit, but I didn't want to leave my car so I drove it back. To the base. If you have never lived on, or been to, a Military base, they have gates, manned by Security Police.

For the most part, driving onto base was routine. The security police would examine the vehicle, check for the authorizing base decal, check out the driver and (if they recognize you) wave you through (this was before 9/11). And most of the SPs knew me as the Sps lived on the same floor of the dormitory as my unit, and I drank with many of them. So I just figured whoever was on gate duty would recognize me, and just wave me through.

Not this night.

The problem was my car,  formerly owned by a GI who had been transferred to Germany and didn't want to a)take his car with him or b) store his car until he returned. He opted to sell it instead. I bought it for $750 (good deal).

Except the guy I bought it from was a know drunk.

So instead of getting waved through, I got stopped. The Guard (not one of my drinking buddies) recognized the vehicle, which had up until I bought it been required to be parked just outside the main gate, in a parking lot know as the "drunk lot." GIs (such as the vehicles former owner) who got busted DUI could drive on base, and thus had to leave there cars in the "drunk lot."

So not knowing the former owner was in Germany, and that the car (now mine) was allowed on base stopped me. And I an two, maybe three sheets to the wind.

Sounds like the car is about to go back to the "drunk lot" doesn't it?

So I explain to the guard I bought the car (while trying not to look, or sound intoxicated). He wants to see the base registration. And he want me to get out of the vehicle and bring the documents to the guard shack so he can see them in the light.

I am so busted, right?

Nope!

The guard is so focused on verifying my document, he has totally missed:

• That I can't walk straight
• and I smell like a distillery

And you can imagine my surprise when, after looking over my paperwork, he hands it back to me, thanks me for my cooperation, and tells me to have a good night.

This was before 9/11. I'm sure the guards are more alert these days. 

So I was thinking maybe I'm not as drunk as I thought I was, until I started up the start to my room in the dormitory. That is until Iggy came around the corner.

This was the same Iggy mentioned in The Blizzard of '85.

Iggy informed me that I was as drunk as I thought I was (perhaps more) by exclaiming "How much did you have to drink??? I can @#$%ing smell it from here!"

I should have reported the guard for being unobservant, but then I would have had to confess to a DUI, and I didn't want to park my car in the "drunk lot."

---

The second time was around the mid 90s. At the time, I was working for the Crimson Crustacean, and by a stroke of luck I was scheduled 2 1/2 days off in a row.

I went to Portland, Oregon.

So I didn't have any idea of what I wanted to do or see. I thought Chinatown would be interesting (it was, and that in itself is another story entirely) so I parked my car, fed the meter, and wandered around in Chinatown, and then the downtown Portland area.

It was summer, and hot, so I found a few watering hole and had a beer. By the time my touring was winding down, I had a few too many beers. It was getting near 6pm, and if you have ever been to Portland you would know that the downtown area becomes a ghost town by 6pm, as all the business peoples have gone home.

Now, my first thought would have been to go to a coffee shop, and there are a plethora of coffee shops in downtown Portland, and they all close by 6. Therefor, sitting it out in a coffee shop was out, so I decided to find store that was still open ,buy a soda, and go sit in my car for a while until I was unfuzzy.

So I get in my car, put the ignition in auxiliary, tune the radio to the local Rock station, lean the seat back and jam out while I drank my soda.

That's when the cop showed up.

So as I said I am sitting in my (parked) car, jamming to some tunes on the radio when  I look in my rear view mirror, and notice that a police officer  was approaching my car.

No problem, I think to myself. I ain't doing anything.

So he comes up to my window and says "I've driven by a couple of times, and noticed that you are just sitting here. Is something wrong?"

"Yes" I responded. "I am too intoxicated to drive"

Now, in any other city, that would have got me arrested. Intoxicated, inside the vehicles, keys in the ignition (never mind it was only in the auxiliary position so I could play the radio) - that is, legally, DUI.

So the police officer, slightly caught off-guard by the comment glanced over at the meter and , seeing it still had time, told me to "feel free to sit until I was able to drive."

No arrest, no hand cuffs. Only in Portland.

So anyhow, back to the Jameson story:

It was a cold January night, late in the evening. I had just gotten of work, and decided on a drink before I went home. There was a bar and mini-casino across from the restaurant I was working at, which was convenient for me.

As I said, it was a cold night. There are several drinks I like when its cold, but the top of the list is Irish Coffee.

For those of you who aren't familiar with this drink:

Black coffee is poured into the mug. Whiskey and at least one level teaspoon of sugar is stirred in until fully dissolved. The sugar is essential for floating liquid cream on top. Thick cream is carefully poured over the back of a spoon initially held just above the surface of the coffee and gradually raised a little. The layer of cream will float on the coffee without mixing. The coffee is drunk through the layer of cream.

So I go it to the bar, and order an Irish Coffee, and the bartender tells me she can't make it. So I start to tell her how to make it, and she stops me and tells me that she knows how to make it, she can't make it - no Irish Whiskey.

So I order something else, something with brandy and coffee in it. I ask if she could get Irish Whiskey, and she didn't know, she'd have to ask the manager. When I asked, she (the manager) said they wouldn't get it, but never really said why.

I went on a campaign to get Jameson, or any Irish whiskey on stock. Around St Patrick's Day, I bought $20-30 of MDA Shamrocks, and wrote something like "This bar needs Jameson" (you were suppose to write your name. The bar was honor bound to tape them to the wall.

The Manager was not amused.

One particular evening, I was in the bar (same one) with a friend of mine, drinking, and I was complaining about the lack Jameson (or any other Irish Whiskey).

"In all fairness" my friend said "this is only a mini-casino, and they don't have a lot of room on the shelf for a large selection of alcohol. They don't have a lot of other whiskeys, like Canadian."

I looked across the bar at the liquor stock, and started naming of the assorted Canadian whiskeys I saw: Seagams, Crown Royal, Black Velvet, Canadian Club, R and R, Canadian Mist, etc. - then turned to my friend and said "Dude! There is enough Canadian on the bar to form a hockey team."

The Hockey Team

The bar eventually got Jameson on stock. To make a long story short, the owner(s) found out about the request, and asked the manager why she wasn't ordering something to please a regular. She was demoted, to assistant manager (quit shortly after that). And the job of ordering alcohol was given to the head bartender, who started stocking Jameson.

Now this was in July, when it was too hot for an Irish Coffee...

Barbecuing, Beer, and the Fourth of July.

With Independence Day (the 4th of July) coming up, I thought I would do a blog entry on one of the traditional rituals of the holiday: Barbecuing!

I ♥ BBQ

Barbecuing is a great pastime. It is a word-wide phenomena, a universal commonality that transcends borders and oceans, ethnicity, religion beliefs, and social status. Most cultures have some form of barbecuing tradition, stemming from the fact that before kitchens and stoves, everyone cooked with fire.

Traditionally, barbecuing has been considered a "man's activity." Even when cooking was considered "woman's work," it was the man who was responsible for the barbecue (although side dishes were usually the responsibility of the woman). But as our culture becomes more enlightened, the number of barbecuing women is increasing. Having participating in the activity frequently, I can assure you a penis is not required for barbecuing, and that having a vagina in no way impairs one's ability to barbecue.

Fire was discovered 125,000 years ago by Ogg "Sparky" O'Brien.

An hour later ,a few friends dropped by with a pig, and barbecuing was invented.

Barbecuing is a great pastime. It is a word-wide phenomena, a universal commonality that transcends borders and oceans, ethnicity, religion beliefs, and social status. Most cultures have some form of barbecuing tradition, stemming from the fact that before kitchens and stoves, everyone cooked with fire.

The word barbecue derives from the word barabicu, a Caribbean word  translated as "sacred fire pit." The word describes a grill for cooking meat, consisting of a wooden platform resting on sticks.

Traditional barbacoa involves digging a hole in the ground and placing some meat (usually a whole goat) with a pot underneath it, so that the juices can make a hearty broth. It is then covered with maguey leaves and coal and set alight. The cooking process takes a few hours.

The definition of barbecue vary The bylaws of the American Brotherhood of the Barbecue loosely define "barbecue," the primary requirements being:

• outdoors (covered patios are acceptable)
• a grill (or a fire pit); and
• a dead animal.

The preferred "dead animal" varies from culture to culture. In the U.S. the top choices are cow, pig, and chicken.

Muslim nations do not barbecue pig, but sheep and goat are common. Vietnam has an annual rat barbecue. The most bizarre (IMHO) is tribes in South America that roast tarantula on an open fire.

In New England, Clam-Bakes are popular. Some purists argue that a "clam-bake" is not barbecuing. But in that it fulfills the outdoors/fire/dead animal requirement, the Brotherhood acknowledge (reluctantly) that clam-baking is a form of barbecuing - much the same way that the Armed Forces acknowledges (reluctantly) the Coast Guard as a part of the military.
 

The term buccaneer derives from the

Caribbean Arawak word buccan, a

wooden frame for smoking meat,

preferably manatee. From this derived

the French word boucane and hence

the name boucanier for French hunters

who used such frames to smoke meat

from feral cattle and pigs on Hispaniola

(now Haiti and the Dominican Republic).

 

 English colonists anglicised the word

boucanier to buccaneer.

---

Barbecuers of the Caribbean: About 1630, some Frenchmen who were driven away from the island of Hispaniola fled to nearby Tortuga. The Spaniards tried to drive them out of Tortuga, but the buccaneers were joined by many other French, Dutch and English and turned to piracy against Spanish shipping, generally using small craft to attack galleons in the vicinity of the Windward Passage. Finally they became so strong that they even sailed to the mainland of Spanish America and sacked cities.
 

English settlers occupying Jamaica began to spread the name buccaneers with the meaning of pirates. The name became universally adopted later in 1684 when the first English translation of Alexandre Exquemelin's book The Buccaneers of America was published.

---

Theodore J. Barnes

In all fairness, I must defend my Uncle. Granted, he provided a beer to a 13 year old, but it wasn't as if he was giving me whiskey.

He didn't give me hard alcohol until I was old enough. Sixteen.

I will cover Uncle Theo in

future blog entries.

I was initiated into the BBQ Brotherhood at the age of 13 by my Uncle, Theodore J Barnes, who decided it was time that I became a man, and that I needed to know manly things.

He introduced me to the paraphernalia of barbecuing (spatulas, tongs, etc.) and demonstrated their usage, explained how (and how not to) start a barbecue, and dissertated on the various edible animals, and the best way to prepare and barbecue them.

He presented me with my first apron, along with a baseball-style cap (Seattle Seahawks) and a pair of tongs. He looked me over, paused, then decided something wasn't quite right. After a moment of thought, he discovered what it was, reached into the cooler, and handed me a can of beer, proclaiming my appearance now to be perfect.

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."          ~ Frank Zappa

Beer is an integral part of barbecuing, as well as the Fourth, Americana, and World Civilization as a whole. In fact, some believe beer was the reason for civilization. A summary of the arguments goes like this:

The Fertile Crescent
(Cradle of Civilization)

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  I ♥ Beer   

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If you remember from school, civilization began some 10,000 years ago in the middle east when nomad tribes settled down and began farming. But there was an abundance of food available in these areas, and there would have been no motivation to become agricultural.

Why work, when food is readily available?

Some archaeologists believe that beer was the catalyst for civilization. To brew beer, one needs to settle (at least temporarily) in one place. Inventing agriculture allows the settlement to continue after naturally occurring food sources are (quickly) depleted - as well as creating more grain to brew more beer. Pottery is developed (storage for grain, and beer), animal husbandry (animals for barbecuing), architecture (storage buildings for grain, and beer), and so on. Before you know it, you have civilization.

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Fire was discovered 125,000 years

ago, where as beer was only invented

10,000 years ago, which means that

for 115,000 mankind was forced to

barbecue without beer.

SARAH: So how does beer relate to the invention of a written language?

ME: I'm not sure.

MACKY: Maybe they invented writing to label beer cans.

SARAH: They didn't have aluminum cans back then.

FREEDOM: Beer bottles?

SARAH: The didn't have bottles, they had clay pots!

MACKY: So they invented it to label clay pots.

ME: Why did do that?

MACKY: So they would know which clay pot had regular beer, and which had light beer.

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Fireworks are also a traditional part of the Independence Day celebration. We fondly remember from our childhoods not only the city's annual firework show, but our own personal show with sparklers and other legal fireworks purchased at the firework stand.

And for those of us with "Uncle Theos," the illegal stuff purchased on the Indian reservation.



[Independence Day] ought to be

solemnized with pomp and parade…
bonfires and illuminations (fireworks)...
   (Letter to Abigail Adams,1776)

I wonder what John Adams would have

thought if he knew how much fire

damage (and personal injuries) occur

due to the misuse of fireworks.

On behalf of us dogs, thank-you to

all the firefighters who have to deal

with all the stupidity every year.

Even as adults we enjoy the city's annual show, as well as memories of the Independence Day barbecue, beer, Uncle Theo's illegal pyrotechnics, that trip to the ER with 2nd and 3rd degree burns...

Alcohol and fireworks don't mix.

That is probably why personal fireworks are becoming illegal.

That, and the grass fires.

The very first celebration of Independence Day was in 1777, six years before Americans knew whether the new nation would survive the war; fireworks were a part of all festivities. In 1789, George Washington's inauguration was also accompanied by a fireworks display. This early fascination with their noise and color continues today.

Macky Rae, my youngest dog is confused by this. He understood patriotism, he just didn't understand the need to blow things up with fireworks in order to celebrate. And quite frankly neither do I.

But he does love barbecue!

Although not mentioned by the founding fathers, barbecuing has become a traditional part of celebrating the Fourth. Independence Day is one of the three "official" barbecuing days of summer recognized by the American Barbecuing Brotherhood (the other two being Memorial Day and Labor Day).

Speaking of the Revolution...

Independence Day marks the official signing of the Declaration of Independence which spelled out out grievances with Britain. The American Revolution was started on two things: Terrorism (the Boston Tea Party) and Armed Rebellion (Lexington and Concord), two acts that the United States will not tolerate today.

Viva La France!

And the armed rebellion would have been lost, except for one thing: we decided not to follow the rules of war.

In other words we cheated.

And even then, we probably still would have lost had the French not decided to come to our aid.

More colonist supported Britain than those who supported Independence. And the majority of colonist really didn't care one way or the other as they were more concerned with the day to day affairs of making a living - who actually would govern them was not a major concern.

And as for Taxation without representation: An offer was made to allow colonist to send representatives to Parliament. Due to the low population of the colonies compared to the high population of Great Britain, the few representatives that the colonies would be entitled to would have negligible impact. The rebels decided against accepting the offer, preferring armed rebellion.

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 You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.

          ~Erma Bombeck

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Barbecuing during the summer is not restricted to these "official" days. The bylaws of the American Barbecuing Brotherhood allows for barbecuing on any day (summer or no), and calls for "sanctions" or members who fail to barbecue when an opportunity presents itself.



Last Independence Day, I  barbecued for me and my dogs. After going to the store for hamburgers and hotdogs, I began my preparations. I pulled the grill out of storage, loaded it with briquettes, doused them with starter fluid, and lit them ablaze The dogs watched with some interest as prepped my tools (tongs, spatulas, etc.) and, when the coals were ready, began cooking. The smell of cooking meat, smoke, and starter fluid permeated the air. As they finished cooking, I transferred the burgers and wieners to serving dishes, and it was then I noticed my canine trio heading across the street. "The food is almost ready" I hollered. "Where are you going?" "We got invited to the Johnsons' barbecue" Macky informed me. "Why? We're having our own barbecue. We got burgers and hotdogs."  "Yes, but the Johnsons are barbecuing a whole pig!"



The Orion Nebula, which Macky Rae

believes to be the residual smoke of an

intergalactic barbecue

In Where are the Aliens? I mentioned that Macky Rae enjoys science and science fiction. He believes that there is a race of dog-like aliens living on a planet around one (or both) of the dog stars. According to Macky, their primary form of recreation is barbecuing.

"Do they have beer?" I asked.

"Probably not, Dad."

"Why not?" 

"Dogs do not drink beer" he told me. "But they do have a football team." 

Have a Happy and safe 4th of July!!!