Geneology (part 2): Samuel "Chet" Barnes (1828-1903)

This entry is being published a day late. The reason is that I often make notes (in a notebook), and then organize them into a comprehensible story, and then post them to the blog. The problem is that I still have two of Sarah's pups, and without thinking I left the notebook on my chair when I left to go shopping, and when I returned, the pups had destroyed my manuscript.

That's right, my dogs ate my homework.

Samuel "Chet" Barnes (1828-1903)

Our family name was anglicized

from a Gaelic name that roughly

translates as "My, there are a lot

of black sheep in our family."

Like most families, mine has a few skeletons in the closet. Perhaps it's just the fact that our family history goes back a few hundred years, but it seems to me that there are (were) a higher proportion of derelicts in our family than other families. Or maybe it's just that one is more aware of what goes on in one's own family than  one does about others.

A lot of the information I have comes from oral traditions (that is, the stories told by the older members of the family at gatherings about family members that have shuffled off their mortal coils).

I have a cousin who got interested in genealogy and traced our family back several generations. If you have illusions of having descended from illustrious ancestry, genealogy is probably something you don't want to look into. Horse thieves and other ne'er-do-wells are more likely to appear than princes and potentates. And that's more or less what my cousin discovered.

One of  the family's "black sheep" in the 19th century was Samuel "Chet" Barnes. There was little about "Chet" that was remarkable, including his academical record. He graduated last in his graduating class, ranking below a fellow classmate who died of cholera a month before graduation. He scored poorly on his SATs, and the only college that would admit him was the Hoboken Community College (and even then they required an "endowment" from his father.) He studied bookkeeping, graduating in 1846 with a 2.9 GPA.

Which meant that if you were to ask "Chet" an accounting question, there was only a 72% chance that he knew the right answer.

After graduation "Chet" was hired by the accounting firm of Dewar, Jore, and MacMinn (they owed the family a few favors) and thus found himself gainfully employed. This lasted about two years, until "the problem" was discovered.

During the middle of the 19th century, many Americans were discovering a new card game that was becoming popular in the United States. The games was called Poker. Many gentlemen were becoming adherents of the game, amongst them was "Chet" - which wasn't "the problem." Nor was "the problem" that "Chet" played at every opportunity.

"The problem" was that he wasn't good at it.

In fact, he "wasn't good at it" to the rate of $76.92 per week, which wouldn't has been that much of a problem, except "Chet" only earned $72 per month. He began to accumulate a substantial debt (numerous IOUs to various gamblers and gangsters), and by the time the family discovered "Chet's" compulsion, he had been at it for over two years and had accumulated a debt of over $10,000 - which was a substantial amount in 1850.

Hell, it's a substantial amount these days.

In order to continue playing, "Chet" had signed markers, and several of them had come due (with interest) and several unsavory gentlemen wanted their money, and they wanted it immediately. Or they wanted "Chet" so they could extract a pound or two of flesh.

So, the family held a family meeting, and decided the best thing to do was to get "Chet" out of the country, preferably as far away as possible, preferably to somewhere in which Poker was unknown.

The family had contributed a substantial amount of money to the the 1848 campaign of Zachary Taylor, and so decided to cash in a chip (pun intended). A telegraph was sent to the President requesting a meeting, and a reply was received indicating the he (Taylor) was grateful for the campaign contribution and would be willing to meet with family members at the White House to discuss a possible remedy to the "Chet" dilemma. So a delegation of the family members boarded a train and arrived in Washington D.C. on July 10th, 1850.

However, Taylor died July 9th.

However, Millard Fillmore, Taylor's Vice-President who succeeded him as President was also aware of the family's campaign contributions (and was also grateful), and so met with the family delegation on July 12th. Fillmore was sympathetic to the family's situation, having a "black sheep" cousin himself. Fillmore referred the matter to then Secretary of State John Clayton, who it turned out had several "black sheep" family members. Clayton arranged an appointment for "Chet" to work at the American Consulate in Shanghai, China.

The family was most grateful.

On September 2nd, 1850, "Chet" boarded (some say forcefully) the M.S.Spitz, a somewhat aging Clipper ship bound for Shanghai via Rio de Janeiro, Cape Town, Bombay, Singapore, and Manilla. The ship averaged about 6 knots (about 7 mph).

Yes, "Chet" was placed on a slow boat to China.

"Chet" arrived in Shanghai February 10th, 1851. After meeting (briefly) with the Consul General (Clayton Middleton III) he has turned over to the consul's executive assistant, who assigned "Chet" the job of "cultural liaison," which meant going to meeting and other events at the other international consulates.

The ones that the Consul General didn't want to go to himself.

One such event was the 40th wedding anniversary of Sir Commodore James R. L. Chatham-Smythe (British Naval Liaison) and his lovely wife Elizabeth, held at their residence that overlooked Taihi Lake. It was here that "Chet" met General Jiang, Military attache from the Imperial Chinese Army to the British Delegation in Shanghai. Jiang was talking with George Baldwin (British Banking) regarding the "new American game of Poker" that was becoming popular in Shanghai (and elsewhere in the Orient).

"Chet" quickly introduced himself, and soon he and General Jiang were involved in a lengthy conversation on the merits of poker. Jiang told "Chet" that he, along with a few other Chinese potentates, had a weekly "friendly" poker game. He explained it was a "small stakes" game, and perhaps "Chet" would like to join them.

"Chet" accepted.

The game was held the following Thursday in a private room upstairs above Madame Wang's Tea House (and Gift Shop). Because Jiang was the only member of the potentate poker group that spoke English, "Chet" arrived with Mister Wu, his translator and personal assistant/valet. Other members of the potentate poker group were:

• Chen Weising, Deputy Minister of Agriculture,
• Fu Zhouzhang, Lieutenant Governor of Pungchow Province,
• Xing Yinhang, president of the First National Bank of the Orient,
• and Zhang Chengshì, Mayor of Shanghai.

Tea was served, and "Chet" was issued $1000 worth of poker chips. "Small stakes" has a different meaning to wealthy oriental autocrats than it does to a low level member of the embassy staff, and "Chet" soon found himself involved in a game of poker that was  higher staked than he originally thought, and the first $1000 was lost in about 45 minutes.

I mentioned "Chet' wasn't good at playing poker?

He "wasn't good" at the rate of of $13 per minute,  and he soon found himself down $2500.

His salary at the consulate was $115 per month. 

You can see where this was not good. 

The climax of the game came towards the end of the evening when a particular pot grew, and grew. The potentates were betting, and raising, in a rapid flurry of Chinese

Ah min! Ah jie! Ah zhong! Ah mao! Ah gou!

"Chet" was dealt four cards to a straight, so he stayed in, matching bets and raises despite the odds of drawing to an inside straight are 47 to 1.

As I said, "Chet" was not good at Poker. 

 Finally, bets were equalized. The pot had reached almost $5000 ($800 of it put in by our "hero"). Cards were drawn and "Chet" asked for one. Betting started up again

Ah tiao! Ah le! Ah lan! Ah duo! Ah huli!

"Chet" picked up his card and looked at it. Of course, it was not the carded he needed. 

Oh, @#$%!!! he thought.

Except he didn't didn't just think it. He said it. Out loud. 

The room suddenly became completely quite. "Chet" looked up and found five pairs of   eyes staring at him. At first he didn't understand what was going on, then he realized what he had said. Then a cold chill ran down his spine.

Oh, @#$%!!! he though. I have just insulted the potentates! I have just created an international incident.

Suddenly, all five of the Chinese dignitaries began talking at once, very fast. "Chet" was certain the worst had indeed occurred. But then Fu Zhouzhang (Lieutenant Governor of Pungchow Province) began to push the pile of chips towards "Chet."

Mr Wu ("Chet's" translator and personal assistant) leaned forward and examined his hand.

"Well played, honorable sir." Wu said. "Your one million dollar bluff was excellently played."

The Supreme Being vs The Supreme Court

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Warning: Although this blog entry is not one of the Bible as Comedy series, it does contains material that might be considered offensive to narrow minded Christian fanatics (NMCFs). If you are a NMCF you might want to skip this and maybe go to a  non-offensive website.

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Still here? Good!

My Uncle Theo was, for many years, a member of his local school board. Back in the 1980s, one of the controversies was images of the 10 commandments being displayed in public schools. The Supreme Court ruled that it violated separation of church and state and thus they needed to be removed.



Uncle Theo was a good God-fearing christian. The only thing he feared more that God was my Aunt Claire. So when the chairman of the school board announced that all that the 10 commandments were to be removed, he objected.

THEO: Who's bright idea was that?

CHAIRMAN: The Supreme Court.

THEO: So why do we need to take them down?

CHAIRMAN: They might be considered offensive.

THEO: To who? Everyone in this town is Methodists.

Agnes Dalrymple,
recording secretary for
the school board.

AGNES DALRYMPLE : Not everyone. The Cohens are Jewish.

THEO: Jews are where the 10 commandments came from! Seriously, who are we offending? There aren't any Buddhist in our town.

CHAIRMAN: It don't matter. The commandments must come down.

THEO: That's ridiculous. Next thing you know they will be telling us no praying in the class rooms.

JASPER WOODWICK: Well, actually...

THEO: Don't say it!

CHAIRMAN: Next item on the agenda: Theft has increased in the high-school. Any suggestions on a remedy?

THEO: Maybe we could put up signs in the hallways that say Thou shall not steal?

The Ten Commandments, also known as the Decalogue, are a set of biblical principles relating to ethics and worship, which play a fundamental role in Judaism and Christianity. They include instructions to worship only God and to keep the sabbath, and prohibitions against idolatry, blasphemy, murder, theft, dishonesty, and adultery. Different groups follow slightly different traditions for interpreting and numbering them. According to the story in Exodus, God inscribed them on two stone tablets, which he gave to Moses on Mount Sinai.

Moses was, according to the Bible a religious leader, lawgiver, and prophet (the most important prophet in Judaism), to whom the authorship of the Torah is traditionally attributed. He is also an important prophet in Christianity and Islam, as well as a number of other faiths.

According to the Book of Exodus, Moses was born in a time when his people, the Children of Israel, were increasing in numbers and the Egyptian Pharaoh was worried that they might help Egypt's enemies. Moses' Hebrew mother, Jochebed, hid him when the Pharaoh ordered all newborn Hebrew boys to be killed, and the child was adopted as a foundling by the Egyptian royal family. After killing an Egyptian slavemaster, Moses fled across the Red Sea to Midian, where he encountered the God of Israel in the form of a "burning bush".

God sent Moses back to Egypt to request the release of the Israelites. After the Ten Plagues, Moses led the Exodus of the Israelites out of Egypt and across the Red Sea, after which they based themselves at Mount Sinai, where Moses received the Ten Commandments. After 40 years of wandering in the desert, Moses died within sight of the Promised Land.

SARAH: 40 years? ME: That's what the Bible says. SARAH: That's ridiculous! Macky Rae, how far is it from Cairo to Jerusalem? MACKY RAE: How should I know? SARAH: Look it up on Google. MACKY RAE: 265 miles. SARAH: See? Seriously, Dad. They could have driven there in less than 5 hours. FREEDOM: They didn't have cars back then. They had to walk. SARAH: Forty years to walk 265 miles? FREEDOM: Maybe they stopped for lunch. MACKY RAE: Or for a potty break. SARAH: For 40 years? FREEDOM: That is one long potty break. According to our calculations, the Israelites average 6.625 miles a year. SARAH: You know what I think? I think he got lost. Guys are always getting lost and messing stuff up. ME: That's not true. SARAH: It is too. Just like our vacation last year. ME: What was wrong with our vacation? I thought you liked the beach. SARAH: We were suppose to be going to Yellowstone Park so Macky could see the bears! MACKY RAE: I didn't see any bears at the beach. SARAH: The reason we went to the beach is the same reason Moses took 40 years to reach the promised land: men will not stop and ask for directions!

Moses did many amazing things such as:

• Talked to God
• Brought 10 plagues down on the Pharaoh
• Freed the Israelites from slavery
• Parted the Red Sea
• And unparted it on the Egyptian army which, according to Macky Rae, is the most awesomest part of the movie
• Received the Ten Commandments from God
• Led "God's Chosen People" to the Promised Land (Although Sarah doesn't think this is as amazing as everyone else does)

---

MACKY: And he turned water into wine!

FREEDOM: That was Jesus

MACKY: Oh, yeah. But I bet he could have if he wanted too.

---

But Moses never went up
against the Supreme Court.

Moses did many amazing, miraculous things,
but he never went up against the Supreme Court.

There are many people who believe the ten commandments are the basis for our laws and legal system, but this is incorrect. They will tell you this, citing the fact that all our founding fathers were all Christians, but this proves nothing except the saying that even if a million people say something, it is still wrong.

OK, smartie. Where did our legal system come from?

If you may recall, we were originally British colonists, and therefore used the British legal system. When we revolted, we used the existing (British) legal system, with a few modifications.

Yeah? So they based their legal system on the ten commandments. After all, the British were Christians as well. 

Not originally. If you remember from history class, Britain was invaded in the 5th century by Angles, Saxons, and a variety of other pagans who brought there legal system with them from Germany. Thus, the foundations of our legal system are not biblically based, but rather based on the legal system of heathens!



Taken as a whole (and derived from a religious text) the ten commandments are unconstitutional (the violate separation of church and state). But how would each commandment stand by themselves? If each of them, one by one on their own merits, where reviewed by the nine honorable justices of the Supreme Court?

Congress shall make no law
respecting an establishment
of religion, or prohibiting the
free exercise thereof; or
abridging the freedom of speech,
or of the press; or the right of the
people peaceably to assemble, and
to petition the Government for a
redress of grievances.
- 1st Amendment, U.S. Constitution

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion (Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof).


2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion (see above). 


3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion (partially) and Freedom of Speech (kind of). Although profanity is considered free speech, you can't yell @#$%!!! in a crowded theater.


4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy
   Violation of the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Religion. Blue laws were once common in the United States. The Supreme Court have held blue laws as constitutional numerous times due to secular reason even though the origin of the blue laws were for religious purposes. But strictly for religious reasons, it would be held unconstitutional.


5. Honour thy father and thy mother - upheld (I think). This one is iffy, but if such a law was passed, I can't think of a constitution ground for it being overturned, except (maybe) freedom of speech.


6. Thou shalt not kill - upheld


7. Thou shalt not commit adultery - upheld. Adultery is a criminal offense in 23 states.


8. Thou shalt not steal - upheld


9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour - upheld. Perjury ("false witnessing" in a court of law) is illegal in all jurisdictions within the United States.


10. Thou shalt not covet - upheld. Conspiracy to deprive your neighbor's house, wife, manservant, maidservant, ox, ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour's is a crime.

As a whole, in addition to being unconstitutional on religious grounds, the ten commandments would have no legal standing as neither God nor Moses are/were elected officials.

In fact, neither could hold political office in the United States as neither are citizens of this country.

Joshua Ben Joseph

vs

The National Bible Publishing Company

Ever noticed the copyright notice in the front of the Bible? Unless yours is a King James version, there will be a notice like

Copyright © 2013 National Bible Publishing Co (all rights reserved)

followed by a warning that explains what happens if you violate the copyright. But how can someone copyright the Bible? They can't. What is copyrighted is the translation.


Other countries have similar laws,
and most countries worldwide adhere
to the Berne Convention regarding
intellectual property rights.

In the United States, books and other material are automatically copyrighted when they are created, giving the creator exclusive rights to the work for his entire life, plus 70 years, after which it becomes "public domain" and can be freely copied without anyone having to pay royalties (such as with the King James version).

Key words: "life, plus 70 years."

See where I am going with this?

Christianity has become a very popular religion in the past 2000 years. In the United States, over 85% of the population claims to believe in Christianity (although you sometimes wonder considering the overall behavior of Americans). Worldwide, over 2 billion people adhere to one form of Christianity or another, all of them unified in the belief that Jesus is the living, breathing Son of God.

Now do you see where I'm going with this?

If the Son of God is still alive, then his rights to the Bible are still valid. In other words, the Bible is not public domain.

God has blessed us with an abundance of many things in this country, and one of them is lawyers. All it would take is one lawyer to file a claim in court, suing the The National Bible Publishing Company (et al.) on behalf of the Savior over back royalties, and the next think you know we have a major law suit.

Don't think it would work?

Keep in mind that (usually) a case is not decided by the judge, but a jury of people who are (usually) neither judges, lawyers, or members of the legal profession. If a lawyer were to file such a lawsuit in the bible belt, it wouldn't be that hard to find 12 people who believe that the Son of God is alive and well, and entitled to back royalties.

In fact, in the bible belt, it would hard to find 12 that didn't.

Most of the clipart courtesy of  Phillip Martin.



Zombies!

Pomeranian Home

Security Systems (Part 2)

24 Hour Service

My youngest dog (Macky Rae) has a vivid imagination, but he is only 3 years old, so that's normal. He enjoys science fiction (he is a big fan of Star Trek), "1950s Era Black and White Giant Insect Films," and (thanks to Aunt Amy) Zombie Flicks.

If you have been a frequent reader to this blog, you are aware also that he is computer literate. He has a few PC games he likes to play, but his favorite is ZombieLand,™  where you go around your "neighborhood" hunting zombies and protect your home. Currently, he has reached level 42.

He also believes zombies are real. (I blame Aunt Amy for this as well.)

He is taking Zombie Preparedness seriously, and as a result has began laying in supplies in the basement, should the predicted Zombie Apocalypse occur and we are force to go into seclusion. Based on a checklist he found on the CDC's zombie page, stored in the basement are:

Apparently, the CDC does
have a zombie page.

• Food - 50# of dog food, and an MRE for me.
• Water - 1 gallon in a empty milk carton (I'm not sure how long he thinks this will last us).
• Tools and Supplies - my old Swiss army knife, and a roll of duct tape.
• Sanitation and Hygiene - a box of Kleenex, a bar of soap, and a roll of toilet paper.
• Clothing and Bedding - three old dog sweaters, my red flannel shirt, and my sleeping bag.
• Important documents - photocopies of their latest rabies vaccination certificates.
• Medications - flea collars and medication for ear mites. And a bottle of Ibuprofen.
• First Aid supplies - a box of band aids.

Although not on the list, he now keeps his toys in the basement.

He also took our radio down there, but Freedom and Sarah made him bring it back upstairs.

In addition to the aforementioned provisions, he has acquire what he refers to as his "zombie whacking stick" (also known as the ZWS), a 1" sycamore branch brought back from on of our trips to the park. It is strategically stored by the door, except when he goes outside after sundown.

In ZombieLand™ one of the ways to kill zombie is to "whack" them, according to Macky Rae.

But as I said, he believes zombies are real, and after sundown he will not go outside without his "stick," just in case of a zombie attack.

The other night, Macky had gone outside (along with his ZWS) to "do business." He came racing back a short time later, all excited.

"Dad! Dad! Come quick. I just whacked a zombie!"

"I'm proud of you. Turn you game off and go to bed."

"No, Dad. Not a game zombie. A real zombie! It was walking down the alley and I whacked him!"

"How do you know it was a zombie?" I asked.

The Zombie Walk

"Because it walked like a Zombie"

 "How do zombies walk?"

"Like this" he replied, then stood up and demonstrated "the zombie walk." Rearing up on his hind legs, he began to stagger around on the floor, taking a few steps forward, a step back, and then a half step to the side, teetering as if about to fall over. It reminded me much of my Uncle Theodore under the influence of a quart or two of Jack Daniel's.

"Interesting" I said.

"And it had the zombie face."

"The zombie face?" 

"Yea, like this"



"And it had the zombie face."

Suddenly, the dog transformed his facial features from sweet, innocent Pomeranian to something that resembled something that one would envision after reading a H.P.Lovecraft story. I was momentarily startled by the "dog from hell" face, and quite impressed by his ability.

It was then I noticed that his ZWS was broken.

"How did your stick get broken?" I enquired.

"I told you, I whacked a zombie!"

"So you said."

"I was outside going potty, and I heard a noise. So I started looking around and I saw him!"

"Saw who?"

"The Zombie! I saw it coming down the alley, so I hid behind the garbage can. After it walked past me, I sneaked up behind him and WHACK! I knocked it down."

Now I'm getting a bit nervous.

"But it started to get up, so I had to whack it again. It didn't dissolve, like in ZombieLand™. It kept moaning and trying to get back up, so I kept whacking and whacking until the stick broke. And that is when I came in to tell you about the zombie."

"So the zombie is still out there?"

"That is what I have been telling you. I whacked it and now it is laying in the alley. It did not dissolve like zombies are suppose to."

At this point, I decided it might be a good idea to investigate.

We went out side (with what was left of the ZWS) and went out to the alley. Macky showed me where the "whacking" took place, but there was nothing there - zombie, human, or otherwise.

"It was right here" Macky said.

"Well, it's gone now."

"It escaped."

"Maybe it dissolved" I suggested.

"Yeah, maybe."

He didn't seem so sure, and kept looking around.

"Better luck next time. Let's go back inside. It's bedtime."

As we waked back, he kept looking around cautiously, holding what remained of the ZWS in his mouth. We went inside, and Macky scanned the alley once more before I closed the door. Reluctantly, he went to bed, but not before strategically placing what remained of the ZWS by the door.

I thought little of the incident, until I found the following article in this morning's newspaper:

Police responded to a call after a man was admitted to the ER suffering injuries in which emergency personnel felt were indicative with assault. Otis Campbell, 58, arrived at the emergency room at approximately 11:38pm suffering numerous abrasions and contusions, primarily in the cranial region. After Campbell was treated, he was questioned by the responding officer, who was told by Campbell that he was attacked by a dog. According to Campbell, he had left the Bar'n'Grill and was walking home down an alley way when he was "whacked" on the head with a large stick wielded by a small dog, knocking Campbell to the ground. He attempted to stand, but the dog continued to "whack" him whenever he tried to get up. The dog eventually ran off, allowing Campbell to escape. Police investigated the area in which Campbell claimed the attack occurred, but found no evidence of an altercation. Police were able to confirm from staff at the Bar'n'Grill that Campbell had been drinking prior to the attack, and was  intoxicated when he left. Tests on Campbell's blood taken at the time he was admitted to the ER indicated a .19 blood alcohol content, more that twice the State's definition for being under the influence. "We have had other alcohol related contacts with Campbell in the past" reported Officer Malloy, "although this is the first time he claimed to have been mugged by a dog, or any other animal. I will file the report, but in all honesty I do not think anything will come of it. I do not believe the community has anything to fear from a crazed club wielding Pomeranian running loose."

I'm not saying it was or wasn't Macky Rae, but in all fairness I have seen Otis stumbling home in the evening. And in the dim light of the streetlamps, he does sort of resemble a zombie when he walks.

Have a safe and happy Halloween!

Birthdays

The dogs enjoy celebrating birthdays
because there is food involved.
But because birthday cake (sugar)
is not really good for dogs (and
chocolate is a definite no), we
celebrate by getting a birthday
Spam - the dogs prefer the bacon
flavored one. We all love bacon.

---

Visit the official Spam® website.

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Macky Rae, my youngest dog, celebrated his 3rd birthday last August. He's a Leo.

Freedom, the oldest, was born in April (Aries), Sarah in November (Scorpio).

Macky enjoy birthdays, as do my other two (Freedom and Sarah). We make a special event out of it, and I go get some tasty treat for them from the store.

I celebrated my birthday last summer (Gemini).

Actually, I did not "celebrate" as much as "observed" it. I just got up one morning, and there it was. And I might have actually completely missed it, except for the numerous "Happy Birthdays" plastered on my Facebook wall from friends and loved ones.

I would have been happy not celebrating (or observing) my birthday, but my dogs were not going to allow that. The dogs enjoy celebrating birthdays (any birthday) and for me to skip my birthday, and miss out on a bacon-flavored opportunity, was out of the question for them. So we (me and the dogs) celebrated. Well, they celebrated, I just observed.

Macky Rae, my youngest dog, asked me how old I was, so I told him.

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "That's over 300 in dog years."

Nothing like man's best friend to make you feel old.

The dogs love Spam, bacon, or any other pig-product. Their desire for bacon (or bacon flavored anything) is strong, and they have come up with some rather ingenious means to acquire it. Macky Rae came up to me one morning and said "Dad, you know what today is? It is my unbirthday!" I assume he got that from watching Alice in Wonderland. "We should celebrate it" he suggested. Later, I found a old, empty Spam can, and gave it to him. "What is this? he asked. "It's an unSpam for your unbirthday." He did not find that very amusing. After re-examined the can and snorting, he said "It is not even the bacon flavored one."

Birthdays are just not really all that fun anymore, at least for me. Birthdays are, for the most part, more fun for children than they are for adults.

As a child, birthdays mean you are getting older.

As an adult, birthdays mean you are getting older. 

When you are younger, there are more significant birthdays to look forward to:

• At 13, you become a teenager (much to the delight of your parents).
• At 16, you can drive the car (much to the delight of your parents).
• At 18, you are an adult. You can vote, buy cigarettes and smoke (legally), join the military - almost everything other adults can do.
• And at 21, you can drink (much to the delight of society). You can buy liquor, go into bars, get drunk, and wake up naked in the neighbors front lawn.

In addition to being 35,  to be president
you must also be a natural-born citizen,
have been a permanent resident for 14
years, and not have participated in a
rebellion against the United States.

Define "rebellion."

After your 21^st birthday, there is not much to look forward to until you are 67 and start collecting social security. Oh, there are a few insignificant birthdays of note:

• At 25, your insurance rates go down.
• At 35, you can run for President.
• At 40, you are as old as dirt.
• At 50, you are over the hill.
• At 55, you get a discount at Denny's.
• At 60, you are older than dirt.

And, if you are fortunate enough:

• At 100, you are officially ancient. If you live that long.

Hey, it could happen. Consider:

• George Burns - 100
• Moses - 120
• Abraham - 175
• Adam - 930
• Noah - 950
• Methuselah - 996

Surprise!

A lot of people do enjoy celebrating their birthday, I'm just not one of them. Many people treat their birthday as a personal holiday, going so far as to take the day off from work.

There are a few benefits to birthdays - like the free beer you get at the bar.

In our culture, birthday gifts from friends and loved ones are common, and many participate in the ritual of the birthday party.

And then there is the surprise birthday party, where the friends and loved ones plan a party without telling the birthday person. Everyone gathers and awaits the arrival of the unsuspecting birthday recipient, and then when he/she arrives, everyone yells "Surprise!' and sings the birthday song.

No one has ever thrown me a surprise birthday party.

Everyone knows I have a concealed weapons permit. 

 And you don't actually celebrate your birthday. You celebrate the anniversary of your birthday (although usually when one says "anniversary" one is referring to a wedding anniversary, unless qualified else wise, such as the anniversary of 9/11). But an anniversary, whether of a birthday, wedding, or some other event is the day that the Earth, in it's orbit around the sun reaches the approximate same position that it was at when the event being celebrated originally occurred.

When you look at it from that definition, birthdays seem a little silly.



Dog Latin The word anniversary comes from two
Latin words: Anno meaning "year, and
versar meaning "to return to the same
approximate position".

So, how did birthdays start? Many cultures, past and present, celebrated birthdays one way or another, but the origins predate written history.


The Earth has gone around

sun twenty-one times since

you were born. You are now

permitted to consume beer.

Many cultures use the birthday to delineate childhood from adulthood. The exact age depends upon the culture. In Jewish culture, you are a man at 13. In the United States, you are "a man" at 18, unless you want to drink (then it is 21). This can be traced back to the primitive rite of passages ceremonies of our hunting/gathering ancestors.

In  primate times, a "boy" was not automatically considered a man just because the Earth had gone around the Sun a perquisite number of times (and returned to the approximate same position that it was at when he was born).He had to prove he was worthy of being called a "man." There was usually a test of some sort, such as going out to hunt (and kill) a woolly mammoth (with only a sharpened stick). If he succeeded, he became a man and there was a feast held in his honor (roasted woolly mammoth). If he failed, he was probably killed (crushed by a woolly mammoth) and his unworthy DNA was removed from the tribal gene pool.

The female rite of passage was a bit simpler: Mother Nature (not the tribe) determined when a girl entered womanhood (the number of times the Earth had gone around the sun being irrelevant). The event was celebrated with craps and bloating.

Wolly Mammoth hunting has gone out of style (due in part to the lack of mammoths, woolly or otherwise). Which is sad, because there is a proliferation of stupid people in our culture. We need to return to "rites of passage" (or at least institute a written test) in order to weed out some of the "unworthy DNA" from the gene pool.

Just because the Earth has gone around sun eighteen times since you were born does not make you a man.

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Here's an interesting piece of information: If you have at least 57 Facebook friends, there is a 99% chance any two of them share the same birthday.

If you are interested in the math, see the

birthday problem on Wikipedia.org.

In probability theory, the  birthday paradox concerns the probability that, in a set of n randomly chosen people, some pair of them will have the same birthday. By the pigeonhole principle, the probability reaches 100% when the number of people reaches 367 (since there are 366 possible birthdays, including February 29). However, 99% probability is reached with just 57 people, and 50% probability with 23 people. These conclusions include the assumption that each day of the year (except February 29) is equally probable for a birthday.

Go to your events list and see how many of your friends share the same birthday.

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Actually, more people are born in October than any other month. This means more people were conceived in January (and this indicated that the national copulation rate increases in January). Several theories have been put forth to explain this, but do not adequately explain the phenomena. A common theory is that January is a cold, dark month, and people do not have much to do, other than have sex.

Copulating is a great way to warm up, I agree, but there are other cold, dark month which do not have an increased conception rate. So this theory also does not adequately explain the phenomena.

Since the NFL expanded, the

season has been extended and

the Superbowl now occurs in

February. If my theory is right,

November will soon become the

most common birthday month.

I has a theory of my own. What does January have that other months don't? The end of the football season.

Think about it: The die hard football fan has been glued to the TV every weekend since August. Suddenly, it's all over.  He become lost. Disoriented. He looks around, and notices a strange woman in the kitchen washes dishes.  

No, wait - that's his wife. Something stirs inside him. Its been awhile, since August. He slips up behind her and begins to fondle her... well, you know where.

"Hey, baby. You is lookin' good today." 

He wants sex. The dishes need to be washed, but she gives in easily. It has been awhile, since August.

Dogs Say the Darnedest Things (part 4)

Even more conversations with my dogs:

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MACKY: Hey, Dad. I need your cellphone.

ME: Why?

MACKY: So I can make a call.

Duh.

ME: Who are you calling?

MACKY: The Juice-O-Matic™ people.

ME: Why?

MACKY: To order a juicer!

As if that should have been obvious.

ME: But you don't drink juice.

MACKY: I know, but if we call in the next 30 minutes, they will include 12 space-age designed juice glasses, at no extra charge.

ME: We already have glasses, and we don't need a juicer.

MACKY: I also need your credit card. Hurry! Operators are standing-by to take our call.

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After being told they had to wear coats when going outside for our daily walk to the park:

MACKY: Why do we have to wear these?

ME: Because it's cold outside.

Sarah enters the living room.

SARAH: Does this outfit make me look fat?

Elton Pom

MACKY: I do not like wearing this sweater.

ME: What's wrong with it?

MACKY: I look stupid.

ME: You look handsome.

MACKY: I look gay. People are going to think I am a gay dog.

ME: No they aren't.

FREEDOM: Are there any "gay" dogs?

MACKY: Poodles.

SARAH: Poodles aren't gay.

FREEDOM: They just look like it.

MACKY: That's because people make them wear stupid sweaters. You can't look tough in a sweater.


Eastside Pomz

FREEDOM: Maybe if Dad got us matching jackets, people would think we are tough.

MACKY: How would that make us look tough?

FREEDOM: They'd think we were in a gang.

MACKY: Yeah! Eastside Pomz!

SARAH: You guys are stupid.

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Macky Rae, my youngest dog, won a goldfish at the county fair.

MACKY: Dad! I think my goldfish is sick!

ME: What's wrong with him.

MACKY: He keeps having seizures! I think he is a polectic.

I assumed he meant "epileptic".

ME: Why do you think that?

MACKY: Because he flops around a lot.

I lean over and examine the goldfish.

ME: He seems OK to me.

MACKY: Wait until I take him out of the bowl, then you will see!

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Sign posted at a local school yard

MACKY: That sign is stupid. Dogs do not even play golf.

FREEDOM: Or ride motorcycles.

MACKY: Do you know why we do not play golf?

ME: Why?

MACKY: Because we can not hold golf clubs because we do not have thumbs.

ME: Is that why dogs don't ride motorcycles?

FREEDOM: No. That's because our legs are to short.

MACKY: I wonder what they would do if a group of dogs rode up carrying golf clubs?

FREEDOM: They'd probably call the SWAT team.

SARAH: You guys are stupid.

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I enter the living room. Sarah is watching Oprah.

I found a page at Life and Dog called
Juicing For Dogs. OK, maybe they do
drink juice.

ME: Has the mail come?

SARAH: About an hour ago.

A loud whirring sound comes from the kitchen.

ME: What was that?

SARAH: The boys are making juice.

ME: When did we get a juicer?

SARAH: About an hour ago.

From the kitchen:

MACKY: Hey, Dad! Can we have this left over lasagna?

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