Yes First Sergeant, I belive in Santa Claus.

Upon entering the room, we noticed evidence that our room had been entered by someone besides us (we were elsewhere, drinking).

The "evidence" was Christmas stockings, one on each of our beds.

And who is "we?"

We is myself (your humble storyteller) and my (then - then being December of '85) roommate, Senior Airmen Stan "the Batman" Jackson.

Ok, let me back this story up a bit.

"Batman" Jackson, my roomate was a Radar technician assigned to my unit - the (now deactivated) 1923 communications group on (the now closed) Kellys AFB in San Antonio, Texas - which I believe is still open. I had known him from training in Biloxi (Keesler AFB Mississippi ), so this was our 2nd assignment together.

Stan was a colorful character, but what was most interesting was that he bore a striking resemblance to the comic strip character Andy Capp when he was out of uniform (or even when he was in uniform), especially when he wore the hat!

Stan's preferred beverage was "Bat Juice" - Rum and coke, specifically Bacardi and Coke (for those who don't know, Bacardi has a logo of a bat on the bottle, hence the name "Bat Juice" for Bacardi and Coke), which is how he earned the name "the Batman" (had nothing to do with the comic book hero).

So it was Christmas eve, 1985. Like a lot of GIs,  then and now, we were away from our friends and families at Christmas time...

Well, not entirely true. We had each other. You'd have to have been in the military to completely understabd, but the guys you served with were more than just co-workers, they were your military family.

So Christmas eve, after finishing the duty day we went to our room to watch the Thundercats...

Yes, Stan and I were fans of the Thundercats. Stan had a crush on Cheetara.

...and then went down for food at the chow hall, where Stan and I contemplated what to do with our evening.

It was a short contemplation. The answer was the Airman's Club. It was downstairs, which meant we didn't need to drive anywhere, which meant we could drink as much as we wanted because we didn't have to worry about DUI coming back from wherever we weren't going to go. And since Christmas was a non-duty day, the Club would be open until 2am - 4 extra drinking hours!

Now, it's not as bad as you might think. The Club had a Christmas eve buffet, there was dancing, a pool tournament and other games. Stan and I played darts...

"Real" darts, with steel tips. Not those plastic tips they use now - we lived dangerously back then.

It was actually a rather nice event. It wasn't just heavy drinking, it was moderate.

OK, it was more than moderate. But we weren't driving, OK?

At 2am the club closed and we all left. Stan and I went upstairs to our room, and that's where we come to the part of my story that I started this blog entry with.

Upon entering the room, we noticed evidence that our room had been entered by someone besides us (we were elsewhere, drinking).

The "evidence" was Christmas stockings, one on each of our beds.

Stan went over to his bed and picked up the stocking, examined it, the looked at me and said "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot."

That isn't actually what he said. What he actually said was something more colloquial.

Those who were in the military know what Whiskey Tango Foxtrot means (and what the Batman actually said).

We examined our stockings. They were the mesh type you could get at any store, full of nuts and candy. Nice gift, I suppose, except there was no tag that said Merry Christmas from whoever.

Was it possible that there really was a Santa Claus?

The next morning (Christmas morning) the Batman and I went down to the chow hall for breakfast, where we were joined by David "Mac" McLaughlin. Stan and I were talking about the stockings and I had just said "I'd like to know where those stocking came from" when he sat down.

"You guys got a stocking too?" he asked.

Upon returning to his room, Mac had found a stocking on his bed. So did, we discovered,  everyone else in the barracks.

Could Santa be real?

The chow hall had a rather nice dinner for us later that day - turkey AND ham, plus a wide assortment of side dishes like stuffing, mashed potato and gravy, salads (green, potato, and fruit salads), sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, assorted nuts, and a variety of holiday pies. All and all, not a bad way to spend Christmas.

And after dinner? The Airman's Club. But only until 10 as the 26th was a duty day.

Oh, and where did the stockings come from? According to Jack Bishop, the dorm supervisor, our First Sergeant intercepted him Christmas Eve coming back from a date with his girlfriend. He (the First Sergeant) was full of the Christmas spirit (literally - Jack said he was afraid to light a cigarette because of the whiskey fumes) and after Jack got out the master dorm room key, the two of them went from room to room distributing four cases of Christmas stockings which the First Sergeant had apparently purchased earlier that day which he had stored in the back of his car.

Merry Christmas, sir.

Election 2016 - Vote for my dogs

My dogs have decided to run for president.

Well not all of them, just Freedom. Macky is his running mate, and will be vice president.

Dog Trek

I came home the other day and found my living room full of dogs, lounging on the furniture and eating popcorn. Not just my dogs, but about two dozen other assorted dogs of assorted sizes ranging from Labrador to Chihuahua.

No, this wasn't a meeting of the 12th Dog Association

Although this was (more or less) the same group of dogs (and Cat) that occasionally gather in my home to watch the Seahawk game, I knew this was not the reason for the gathering. For one, there was no Seahawk game scheduled that day, and instead of Seahawk jerseys they were all wearing "classic" Star Trek shirts.

Old Lang Syne

On New Years Eve in 1983 I was on active duty in the Air Force, and that night I had guard duty from 2200 to 0000

For all you civilians, that from 10pm to midnight.

I was in training at the time, and part of the training was to learn about the importance of security by standing guard duty. Nothing every happens. Your not guarding anything of real importance, just the dormitory. There is a bigger picture, that is, learning to guard real assets by starting with the dormitory. You don't even get to carry a weapon yet, you just wear the web belt.

Dorm guard means checking everyone's ID card when they come in, and if a person is not on the authorized list of people authorized to come into the dorm, you must deny them access unless they have a pass from the CQ, or the Sergeant said it was OK to let them in..

Nobody comes in at night, so guard duty on night shift is boring. Much like being the Maytag repair man.

---

But the military is like that. Hours and hours of boredom, waiting for something to happen. And considering that war is the something that might happen, you hoped that everything remained boring. Nobody ever really dies of boredom. They die of war, however.

---

Guard duty in training was the beginning of a continual learning process that everything in the military needs to be secured. From basic training onward, you are continually learning to guard thing, secure things, and someone is occasionally monitoring your security.

I covered all this on a previous blog entry.

Regular readers of this blog will remember that was the blog page where I told the story about how Airman Brumble forced a Brigadier General to lay face down in the dirt. 

Security comes in various forms and various levels - Top Secret, Secret, Very Secret, Uber Secret, Classified, semi-classified, unclassified, and "between you, me and the lamp post."

And if it doesn't fit into any other category, there is the catch-all classification of "need to know." Basically, anything (and everything) is considered need to know, and if someone doesn't need to know you don't tell him anything.

And some of the oddest things get classified under the "Need to Know Doctrine." True story:

Once, during a routine check by security, I was quizzed on procedures and protocols, and one of the questions was who do I call in such-and-such event, and I answered Security Police (correct answer). I was then asked what the phone number was. I was suppose to remember that number, but even back then I had problems remembering numbers. But, seriously, even in the military, in the event of an emergency, dial 911

I told the man I couldn't remember the number, but it was in my pocket phone book, and I removed it from my pocket to show him. He asked to examine the "little black book" and after briefly going through it, he returned it to me that since I had (in addition to the phone numbers of every female I knew in San Antonio) military phone numbers inside, he informed me that my "little black book" was to be considered  a classified document - that is "need to know" information.

I knew some cuties in San Antonio, and I "needed to know" their numbers ;-)

But I digress 

2358 - I heard someone walking towards me. Airmen Jenson was coming to relieve me - he had duty from 0000 to 0200

That midnight to 2am

The clock hit Midnight. Elsewhere, at least in the Central Time Zone, people were yelling and tooting noisemakers and setting off fireworks. And maybe kissing that special someone.

Not in the dorm. Except for me and Jensen, everyone else was asleep.

"Happy New Years" I told him as he approached.

"Same to you" he replied.

Softly, Jensen began to sing. I joined in

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Jensen looked at me and said "You are relieved" he told me.

"I stand relieved" I replied, then walked to my bunk to go to sleep.

I did not kiss Jensen. He wasn't that special.

The first Noel

The following is (loosely) based on the accounts as recorded in the second chapter of the Gospel of St. Luke:

Dramatis Personae
Jacob - head Shepherd
Nathan - Shepherd
Caleb - Apprentice Shepherd
"Eddie" - Angel of the Lord
Host of Angels - Choir and Musicians

Time: 1AD (around 2am)

Scene: A Shepherd camp in a pasture near Bethlehem (the one in Israel, not the one in Pennsylvania). Two shepherds are sitting around a fire.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. [Luke 2:8]

NATHAN: Damn, it is cold.

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: I need something to warm me up. Is there anymore wine left?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: Let me have some.

CALEB: We're suppose to be watching the sheep.

NATHAN: So?

CALEB: Jacob don't like us drinking when we're watching the sheep

NATHAN: Yeah? Well Jacob is sound asleep in the tent. He ain't going to know unless someone tells him.

CALEB: I ain't no snitch.

NATHAN: Then pass over that wine.

CALEB: I don't think we should be drinking. We need to be alert.

NATHAN: Alert for what?

CALEB: What if a wolf shows up?

NATHAN: There ain't no wolves around here.

CALEB: Or a coyote.

NATHAN: A coyote?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: There can't be coyotes around here. Coyotes are only found in the new world, and the new world won't be discovered for another 1500 years.

CALEB: Really?

NATHAN: Really. Now hand over the wine.

[Caleb removes a wineskin from the bag and hands it to Nathan, who takes a drink. He hands the wine back to Caleb, who starts to drink then suddenly stops and looks around.]
       
CALEB: What was that?

NATHAN: What was what?

CALEB: I heard a noise.

NATHAN: It was probably just the wind.

CALEB: Maybe.

[Caleb starts to take a drink, then stops again.]

CALEB: There! Did you here that?

NATHAN: Hear what?

CALEB: That noise. It might be a wild animal

NATHAN: I don't hear nothing.

CALEB: It's a bear! Can't you hear it?

NATHAN: That's not a bear. That's Jacob snoring.

CALEB: It coming from out in the pasture. There is something out there.

NATHAN: There's nothing out there but sheep.

CALEB: There might be a wild animal...

NATHAN: Caleb, I'm telling you. There is nothing... Wait a minute.

CALEB: What?

NATHAN: I heard something.

CALEB: I told you!

NATHAN: It's coming this way.

CALEB: It's a wolf!

NATHAN: I told you, there are no wolves around here.

CALEB: It's a coyote!!!

NATHAN: It is not!

CALEB: Maybe it's a lion

NATHAN: Will you stop with the animals?

CALEB: It's coming into the camp!

[Nathan and Caleb stand up, both of them brandishing shepherd crooks.]

NATHAN: Halt!

CALEB: Who goes there?

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. [Luke2 :9]

[Enter: ANGEL of the Lord]

ANGEL: Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

NATHAN: Who are you?

ANGEL: I am the angel of the Lord.  I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall...

NATHAN: Wait a minute. You're an angel?

ANGEL: Verily, I am.

NATHAN: Can you prove that? Do you have ID or something?

ANGEL: Well, no, but...

CALEB: Where are your wings?

ANGEL: My what?

CALEB: Wings. Angels have wings.

ANGEL: Actually they don't.

CALEB: They don't?

ANGEL: No.

CALEB: That's what they told us in Sabbath school.

ANGEL: They told you wrong.

NATHAN: So, if you are an angel, why are you here?

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

NATHAN: Good tidings?

ANGEL: Good tidings indeed. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.

CALEB: Why is he talking like that?  

NATHAN: I don't know. Maybe that's how angel's talk.

ANGEL: And this shall be a sign unto you...

NATHAN: Wait a minute. I'm not saying you're lying, but how do we know you are telling the truth?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: Can you prove your an angel?

CALEB: Yeah. Prove it.

ANGEL: Prove it?

NATHAN: Yeah. Do something that shows us your legit.

CALEB: Yeah. Show us something angelic.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. [Luke 2:13-14]

CALEB: Holy @#$%!!!

NATHAN: Who are all these people?

ANGEL: This is the multitude of the heavenly host. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

NATHAN: Yeah? Well your multitude just scared the @#$% out of our sheep.

CALEB: They scared the @#$% out of me!

NATHAN: It will takes us all night to round them all up

CALEB: They're everywhere.

JACOB: [From inside the tent] What's going on out there???

CALEB: Now we're in trouble.

[Enter: JACOB]

JACOB: What's going on out here? [Looking at the ANGEL] Who is this man?

NATHAN: He says he is the angel of the Lord.

JACOB: Which lord?

NATHAN: THE Lord.

JACOB: You mean God?

NATHAN: Yeah.

JACOB: Why is he here?

NATHAN: He says he has a message

JACOB: From God?

NATHAN: I think so.

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

JACOB: Why is he talking like that? 

NATHAN: I don't know 

CALEB: Maybe that's how angels talk.

ANGEL: For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

NATHAN: City of David? 

CALEB: Where's that? 

JACOB: He probably means Jerusalem.

ANGEL: Nay. I meaneth Bethlehem.

CALEB: Bethlehem?? 

NATHAN: The Messiah is in Bethlehem?

JACOB: Why is the Messiah in Bethlehem?

ANGEL: It was prophesized in in the book of Micah: "But thou, Bethlehem, though thou be little among the thousands of Judah, yet out of thee shall he come forth unto me that is the ruler in Israel, whose goings forth have been from of old, from everlasting." [Micah 5:2]

NATHAN: Little is a good description of Bethlehem. 

CALEB: They don't get littlier than that.

[JACOB looks around]

JACOB:  Hey! Wait a minute. Where are all the sheep?

NATHAN: They ran off.

JACOB: What??

CALEB: It wasn't our fault Jake.

NATHAN: It was his fault

JACOB: Who's fault?

NATHAN: His. The angel of the Lord. While he was telling us about the Messiah and the city of David, a bunch of those angel fellows showed up and started singing and playing music...

CALEB: There were a lot of them.

NATHAN: ..and it scared the @#$% out of the sheep...

CALEB: It scared the @#$% out of me

NATHAN: ...and the sheep scattered.

JACOB: OK, let me get this straight. This guy shows up, says he's an angel, then more angels showed up and scared the sheep?

NATHAN: That's right

CALEB: It's true!

[JACOB turns and glares at the angel]

JACOB: Look, uh... What is your name?

ANGEL: I am the angel of the Lord.

JACOB: Do you have a real name?

ANGEL: It's Eddie.

NATHAN: Eddie?? 

CALEB: What kind of name for an angel is that?

JACOB: Look, Eddie. You can't just come in and scare off my flock.

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy...

JABOB: Yeah, yeah. So you are the angel of the Lord?

ANGEL: Verily.

JACOB: Show me an I.D.

ANGEL: I.D.?

NATHAN: We asked him that.

CALEB: He ain't got ID.

JACOB: Well, I need something to prove your really an angel of the Lord.

CALEB: Uh-oh.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

JACOB: Holy @#$%!!!

NATHAN: That's what I said.

JACOB: No wonder the sheep ran off. That must have scared the @#$% out of them.

CALEB: It scared the @#$% out of me!

NATHAN: What do you think, Jake? Is he legit?

JACOB: He might be. That was a pretty good trick.

CALEB: Maybe we should go check it out, just to see if it's true or not.

JACOB: Good Idea. Hey, Eddie, how do we find the Messiah?

ANGEL: And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

JACOB: Babe?

NATHAN: Swaddling clothes?

CALEB: What are swaddling clothes?

NATHAN: Diapers.

JACOB: The messiah is a baby?

ANGEL: Verily.

CALEB: What does "verily" mean? 

NATHAN: It means "true."

JACOB: How is a baby suppose to help?

NATHAN: He is a baby.

CALEB: In swaddling clothes.

JACOB: How can a baby do anything.

ANGEL: He will increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

NATHAN: And then he will save us rom the Romans?

ANGEL: The Savior is not her to help you against the Romans.

JACOB: Then why is he here?

ANGEL: To save mankind from sin.

JACOB: [Contemplating] Well, I suppose that is important too.

NATHAN: What about it, Jake. Do you think its true?

JACOB: Well, it seems a bit odd. Especially the babe in a manger part.

CALEB: In swaddling clothes.

JACOB: But Eddie here seems to be telling the truth.

NATHAN: Maybe we should go to Bethlehem, and see for ourselves.

JACOB: Good idea. So Eddie, you're sure the Messiah is in Bethlehem? Not Jerusalem?

ANGEL: Bethlehem.

JOSIAH: Well, come on then, let's go into Bethlehem and find the Messiah so we can adore him.

CALEB: Adore him?

NATHAN: He means go check him out.

ANGEL: I Shall leadeth the way

JACOB: Not so fast. You're not going anywhere. You and your angel buddies are going to round up all the sheep that you scattered. And no music!

NATHAN: It scares the @#$% out of the sheep.

CALEB: It scares the @#$% out of me.

ANGEL: But...

JACOB: No buts! You're the reason the sheep scattered, so you can round them up while we go to Bethlehem.

ANGEL: But...

JACOB: Look, pal. Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry. Now start collecting sheep!

ANGEL: Yes, sir.

JACOB: OK, let's go.

CALEB: Hey, Jake. If this really is the Messiah, we should bring him a present.

JACOB: Good idea.

NATHAN: Where do we get presents at this time of night?

JACOB: There's a convenience store on the main street thats open 24 hours.

NATHAN: Convenience store? What kind of presents can you get there?

JACOB: They got disposable diapers.

NATHAN: Diapers? What kind of a gift is that?

JACOB: Well, the angel did say the Messiah was a baby.

NATHAN: Good point.

JACOB: And they got cigars

CALEB: For a baby?

JACOB: Not for a baby you schdimwit. For the father, uh... what's his name??

ANGEL: Joseph

JACOB: What about the mother? What can we get her?

CALEB: I know. Chocolate!

JACOB: Oh, yeah. If there is something women like, it's chocolate.

[Exit: Shepherds]

Alien Chronicles: Expendable Ensign

Another episode from my unpublished book/TV series Alien Chronicles

FSC Leif Ericson
42 officers, 450 crewmen, 150 scientists

Dramatis Personae

Captain Horton - Commanding officer. Although he graduated 186th in his class at the Academy (out of 282), he is smart enough not to beam down to unknown and/or hostile planets. Species: Human.

Lt (SG) Kermad d'Frok - Logistics Officer. Kermad is an Anurian, an amphibious race of creatures from the 3rd planet (Anura) of the Rana system, which is located in the Henson star cluster. Three and a half feet tall and frog-like in appearance, the best way to briefly describe Kermad's (or other Anurians') appearance is to imagine what Kermit the frog would look like if he used anabolic steroids.

Lt (SG) Mackarae - Chief of Computer Operations. Known as "Mack" to his fellow officers, he is a Madran, a dog-like race from a planet in the Txakurra system. He stands about 4 3/4 feet tall, making him the second shortest being on the ship - the shortest being d'Frok.

Lt (JG) Kainen Keijo - Head of the Science Department. From Aldeberan, resembling a tolkienesque elf, except with blueish-grey skin. Androgynous in appearance, Keijo may be either male, female, both, or neither. Due to Captain Horton's policy regarding transgendered crewman, Keijo has been seen using both men's and ladies' bathrooms (so that cannot be used to ascertain Keijo's gender).

Robert "Bob" Rosenkrantz and Raymond "Ray" Guildenstern - two of the ship's security personel.

Ensign Dukane - appliance repairman and expendable crewman



Captains Log: We are in orbit around Montego VI. The Federation has sent us to investigate the lose of communications from a research station on the planet.

CAPTAIN: Any response from the planet?

COMMUNICATIONS: No sir.

CAPTAIN: Hmmm. Mr. D'Frok.

D'FROK: Yes sir?

CAPTAIN: I want you to lead an away team down to the Montego station to investigate. Take Lt. Mackarae, Lt Keijo, and... Yeoman, who is next on the expendable Ensign list?

YEOMAN: [looking at her computer tablet] Next up is Ensign Dukane.

CAPTAIN: What's his specialty?

YEOMAN: Appliance repair.

CAPTAIN: Seriously?

D'FROK: I'll need a couple of security officers.

YEOMAN: Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern are available

D'FROK: They'll do

CAPTAIN: Just remember to keep them safe. We need to avoid issues with the Security Force Union - they are worse than the teamsters.

D'FROK: Aye, sir

d'Frok turns and exits the bridge.

Scene: Hallway

Ships personnel are moving purposefully in the corridors.

VOICE: May I have your attention please, this is the Captain. The following people report to transporter room 4: Mackarae, Keijo, Guildenstern, Rosenkrantz, and Dukane.

Scene: Transporter Room 4

d'Frok enters and looks around

D'FROK: Is everyone here?

MACKARAE: Dukane is missing.

d'Frok walks over to the side and pushes the button next to the intercom speaker.

DFROK: Ensign Dukane, report.

d'Frok waits a few moments, and gets no reply. He pushes another button.

D'FROK: Computer, locate Ensign Dukane.

VOICE: Ensign Dukane is in his quarters, hiding under his bed.

d'Frok turns, shaking his head.

D'FROK: [To the security officers] You two go get him.

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz exit the room.

D'FROK: Great Bird of the Galaxy, we don't have time for this. We only have an hour each episode.

MACKARAE: That only gives us 43 minutes after you factor in commercials, and opening and closing credits

KEIJO: 42 point 857 minutes

d'Frok and Mackarae give him (or her, or it) a questioning look.

KEIJO: Approximately.

D'FROK: The point is, we don't have time for this.

Scene: Hallway

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz walk up to a door, open it, and step inside. Moments later they re-emerge, dragging Dukane between them by the arms.

Scene: Transporter Room 4

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz enter, still dragging Dukane.

DUKANE: No, no. I don't want to die.

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz step onto the transporter and drop Dukane unto the floor. d'Frok, Mackarae, and Keijo then also step onto the transporter.

D'FROK: Mr. O'Reilly, beam us down.

The transporter begins humming.

Lt Mackarae looks down at Dukane, who is still laying on the floor, crying.

MACKARAE: You are such a wuss.

A bright light, and the crew fades away

Scene: On the planet, the main control room of the research station

Humming, then the crew materializes in the middle of the room.

The team begins to look around, except for Dukane who remains laying on the floor. d'Frok stand over him and scowls.

D'FROK: Stand up you wuss.

 Dukane stands up, slowly

D'FROK: What is wrong with you?

DUKANE: [Sobbing] I don't want to die.

D'FROK: Your not going to die

DUKANE: The Expendable Ensign always dies.

MACKARAE: Not always. According to the Alien Chronicles fan page, there have been 64 expendable ensigns since the first episode, but only 37 have died. So your odds of living are better than 50/50

KEIJO: 57 point 8125 percent

Mackarae turns towards Keijo

MACKARAE: Approximately?

KEIJO: Exactly

D'FROK: The point is, Dukane, is you might live.

MACKARAE: And you might become a re-occuring character.

DUKANE: Really?

MACKARAE: Sure! That's what happened to O'Reilly. He even got promoted to Lieutenant.

DUKANE: That would be awesome.

D'FROK: Now, be awesome and go check out that dark, unlit hallway.

Dukane walks over to the hallway, then stops suddenly at the doorway and falls to the floor. There is what appears to be a harpoon in his chest.

D'FROK: What the @#$%?

MACKARAE: Holy %$#@!!

Laser fire comes from the hallway. The surviving crewmen hide behind furniture. The security officers begin firing laser into the hallway. Return fire comes back from the hallway.

D'FROK: We haven't been down here for two minutes, and he's already dead?

MACKARAE: That must be a new record.

D'FROK: So much for becoming a re-occurring character

KEIJO: What was that in his chest?

MACKARAE: It looked like a harpoon.

D'FROK: A Harpoon?

MACKARAE: Yeah.

d'Frok cautiously peeks over the counter

D'FROK: Wait a minute. That's not right.

d'Frok stands up amidst the laser blasts, making the T gesture with his hands.

D'FROK: Time out! Every one, time out!

The laser blasts abruptly stop.

D'FROK: You in the hallway, come in here for a moment.

Shadows move in the hallway, emerging into the room as two Predators.

KEIJO: They're Predators!

D'FROK: I thought so. I think you guys are lost. This is Alien Chronicles, you guys are on the wrong set.

The predators turn and look at each other, then back towards d'Frok.

MACKARAE: They're not even in the right Studio. Predator is 20th Century Fox, and that's on the other side of town.

One of the predator makes a gurgling sound.

D'FROK: That's OK, everyone makes mistakes now and then.

More gurgling.

D'FROK: Don't worry, I'll drive you there.

Even more gurgling.

D'FROK: It's no problem, I just need to tell my Captain where I'm going. My car is parked behind the building, its the Blue Honda Accord. I'll met you out there in a few minutes.

Predators exit through the door.

MACKARAE: You drive a Honda?

D'FROK: It gets great mileage.

d'Frok takes communicator from his belt.

D'FROK: d'Frok to Captain Horton.

VOICE: Horton hear.

D'FROK: Captain, I found out what happened to the scientists. There is a pair of Predators down here.

VOICE: Predators??

D'FROK: Yeah. They got the wrong set.

VOICE: They got the wrong studio. Predator is 20th Century Fox.

D'FROK: Yeah, I know. I'm going to drive them over there.

VOICE: Very thoughtful of you. Hey, since your going to be over in that part of town, stop and get tacos, enough for the whole crew.

D'FROK: Will do. Oh, by the way: Dukane died.

VOICE: So quickly?

D'FROK: Yeah, not even two minutes before we beamed down.

VOICE: That might be a new record.

Scene: Hallway

Ships personnel are moving purposefully in the corridors.

VOICE: May I have your attention please, this is the Captain. The official time for Ensign Dukane was 1 minute 51 seconds before being killed. Congratulations Lt. Chandra, winner of this week's expendable ensign pool.

Let's talk sh*t

According to an article I read recently, when dogs go out and are doing their business, they prefer to align themselves with the Earth's magnetic field.

By "doing their business", I mean going potty

Yes, someone actually did a scientific study of this, and published it in a scientific zoology journal.

And I wouldn't be surprised to find out that they got a government grant to do the study.

The study suggests that dogs are sensitive to small variations in Earth’s magnetic field. After examining 70 dogs — made up of 37 breeds — over two years, 1,893 defecations and 5,582 urinations, researchers found that under “calm magnetic field conditions,” dogs preferred to “excrete with the body being aligned along the north-south axis,” avoiding east-west altogether. Dogs were observed in a free-roaming environment, meaning they were not leashed and not influenced by walls or roads that would influence linear movement. 

It is still enigmatic why the dogs do align at all, whether they do it “consciously” (i.e., whether the magnetic field is sensorial perceived (the dogs “see”, “hear” or “smell” the compass direction or perceive it as a haptic stimulus) or whether its reception is controlled on the vegetative level (they “feel better/more comfortable or worse/less comfortable” in a certain direction).



So I got curious. I take my dogs out on a regular basis so the can "do business" and decided to see if my dogs aligned themselves with magnetic north. They didn't.

My dogs do not appear to have a compass.

Despite an elaborate ritual of sniffing, selecting just the right spot (which, I believe, is a dog-fengshui thing), circling, squatting, and finally defecating, my dogs did not align with the magnetic field.

I guess they didn't read the article.

Every time they went out, the aligned in a slightly different direction. But what I did notice was that all four aligned in the same direction as each other. At first I thought it was a "pack thing," but after a few weeks of observation, the answer became apparent:

They were facing into the wind.

And it made sense. By facing into the wind, the stink was blown away from their noses when they "did business."

How cleaver!

I'm thinking of doing up a paper, and submitting it to some scientific journal.

I wonder if I could get a government grant?