The Blizzard of '85

Less then pleased!

When we (me and my dogs) got up a while back, we were less than please to discover that the ground was covered in a thin layer of snow. We discovered this a bit past 6am, when we went outside to "do some business."

By "doing business" I mean they needed to do what everyone else needs to do when they first get up: They need to pee!

Peeing is not as pleasant of a task on cold, snowy days. The boys (Freedom and Macky) were reasonably OK with it, because all they needed to do is lift a leg. Sarah, however, being female, does not lift her leg. She squats. And I could see an expression of discomfort as she squatted, hovering just above the snow, and tinkled. As soon as she was finished, she ran (ran!) back to where I stood waiting by the door with my cup of coffee, ran past me, and ran back inside (where it was warm).

I'm sure many of you ladies reading this are sympathetic to Sarah's ordeal. For those of you who aren't, try this: Go outside (without pants) and hover just barely above the snow for 5-10 seconds. You will not only be sympathetic, you will be empathetic.

And I bet you run back to the door as well.

For those of you who are actually going to try this: From observing Sarah, I have discovered the proper method of thawing frozen genitalia is to curl up in front of the space heater and let the warm air blow over your body.

I dislike the snow, and the cold, and everything associated with winter.
Except spiced rum and eggnog.

When I hear about the polar vortexes coming down to freeze part of the U.S of A. that are rarely frozen, by vortexes or other, I am reminded the time that south Texas got covered in snow, a time fondly remembered as:

The Blizzard of '85.
Saturday, January 12th, 1985.

When I was in Basic Training, amongst the numerous forms we had to fill out was AF Form 392. Also called a dream sheet, this form allowed to to express your assignment preference to whoever was in charge of assigning you. What you did, using a alphanumeric code to indicate where you would like to be stationed, was select eight locations overseas and 8 locations CONUS (for all you civilians, CONUS means CONtinental United States) and turned the form into the personnel office. It would go into your personnel file, and would be consulted regarding your restationing.

They weren't under any obligation, however, to honor you request(s) - which is why it was called a "dream sheet."

In fact there was a story that there was a super-computer on Randolph AFB (in Texas) which could, based on your choices, determine with uncanny accuracy the one place you didn't want to go. And try to send you there!

Friends call me Snow Miser
 What ever I touch
Turns to snow in my clutch
 I'm too much!

Macky Rae (my youngest dog)
likes Christmas specials, including
The Year Without a Santa Claus.

He even learned the snow miser dance!

But as I said I dislike the snow and the cold and everything associated with winter, so I selected 8 warm places overseas and 8 warm (southern) locations CONUS. My eight overseas locations, and my first 5 CONUS, were overlooked, and after I completed Technical Training I was assigned to Kelly AFB - San Antonio, Texas.

South Texas. That should be warm, right?

Wrong!

Because there are no mountains to slow him down, the Snow Miser (and all his dancing minions) come charging down the great plains at full speed in the winter month, bringing the freezing cold, although rarely, however, does he grace the city of San Antonio with snow.

Which brings us to Saturday, January 12th, 1985.

The first indication that something was wrong was the fact that I was able to sleep late, past oh eight hundred (8am to all you civilians). I could usually sleep as late as I wanted on the weekends, but this was "Warrior Weekend" and I should not have been able to sleep past oh eight hundred.

McDonnell Douglas F-4C Phantom II

For those of you who don't know, "Warrior Weekend" is when the Air National Guard and/or Air Force Reserve units come in to do their "one weekend a month." On our base, that was (amongst others) the 182d Tactical Fighter Squadron (Texas Air National Guard).

I should also mention that the roar of
the F4s were also extremely disturbing
for those who were hungover.

The dormitory in which I lived was within close distance of the flight line. At oh eight hundred on "Warrior Weekend" the ROAR of the engines announced that F-4Cs were beginning there flights, and it was time for you to get up (whether you wanted to or not).

But that morning, the F-4Cs were mysteriously silent.

I got up, showered, and (needing a cup of coffee) went downstairs to the bar (yes, we had a bar in our barracks) where I helped myself to a cup of coffee. It was then that I noticed my friend and co-worker David "Mac" McLaughlin holding a cup of coffee, staring out the window. I poured my own cup of coffee, then went over to the window to see what he was staring at.

It was then that I learned why the Phantoms were silent:  

The base had been transformed into a winter wonderland!

I looked out the window to see what Mac was so intently staring at, and I saw the snow. And not just a little snow. Not a light dusting of snow. But lots of snow. Snow Miser (and his minions) dumped well over a foot of snow, not only on our lovely Air Base, but through-out Bexar County.

Mac, who had just transferred from Loring AFB (Maine) was in a daze. As he put it: "I was really looking forward to a winter where I didn't have to deal with @#$% snow."

Yeah, Mac. So was I.

So, as we stared out at the flight line and watch Red Horse (the base's civil engineers) pushing the snow off the runway with caterpillar bulldozers.

And the base was lucky to have those. Considering it had been almost 30 years since San Antonio had seen snow, you can be darn sure the nearest snow plow was hundreds of miles away, towards the north.

So as Mac and I were watching the snow, that's when Iggy came down, dressed in redneck winter appeal and began filling her 24oz travel mug with coffee.

So, what (you might ask) is an "Iggy"?

Scandihoovia

Iggy is (or was, at the time) an air traffic controller for the Air Force. Iggy's real name is Julie Ingerdahl.

Actually it was Juliette, but DON"T call her that.

Ever.

Everyone called her "Iggy" which was derived from her last name (Ingerdahl) and (as you might suspect) with a name like Ingerdahl, you would be correct to assume that she was of Scandihoovian decent.

A Scandihoovian, in case you didn't know, is:

a) someone from Scandihoovia, or

b) someone who is descended from someone from Scandihoovia.

When one thinks of a Scandahoovian, one thinks of a tall, statuesque Nordic goddess with fair skin, piercing blue eyes and golden hair. And above average breasts, at the very least D-cups.

This description did not apply to Iggy.

Juliette Ingerdahl was 5'2", 110# (wet), freckled face, hazel eyes, and mousy brown hair. And B-cups (maybe).

A counrty girl from Minnesota, she was the youngest of 5 children, and the only girl. Having grown up with 4 older brothers, she knew how to hold her own in an organization that was (and still is) predominantly male oriented.

She could also swear. Her favorite expression, especially when she was drinking, was @#$% you!!

I leave it to you to figure out what @#$% means.

1985 Ford F-250

Like a lot of servicemen... uh, servicepersons? Like a lot of military personnel, Iggy bought a new vehicle. In her case, a new truck - a Ford F-250, loaded with options and accessories. Including a C.B. radio.

This was, FYI, in the 80s. We didn't have cell phones back then, so if you wanted to talk and drive, you needed a citizen's band radio.

Iggy's truck is important to this story.

So, as I said, Iggy came down, dressed in redneck winter apparel and began filling her 24oz travel mug with coffee.

"You look like your going out for a drive."

"Yeah" Iggy said. "I am going get my hair done."

Iggy didn't got her hair done that day.

Like a lot of northerners, the sight of the snow registered in our minds of snow delays. But what we failed to realize at first was that San Antonio was not a northern town, and when it came to snow it was not snow delay but complete shut down. The locals couldn't get to work (or anywhere else) because the snow was blocking the roads. And as I mentioned earlier, the nearest snow plow was hundreds of miles to the north.

So, where as Iggy made it to the hair salon in her 4x4 truck, the stylist did not.

But at the time, us northerners weren't aware of this. So Mac gave her this warning:

"Be careful, Iggy. The snow is quite deep."

"I grew up in Minnesota" she replied. "I know how to drive in the snow." Famous last words.

For those who doubt, here is a picture
taken at the Alamo (in downtown San
Antonio) during the '85 blizzard. 

After a while, word reached us that the base exchange was finally opened, so Mac and decided to hike over and go shopping, as there was nothing else we could do, due to the snow.

I mean, other than drinking. But it just barely past noon-thirty, too early to start drinking. And with the snow, that was probably all we were going to be doing that evening, so it was best we not start too early and overdo it.

We decided to walk, mainly because it was easier than digging our cars out from under the snow. We hung out at the exchange for an hour or so, then returned to the barrack with our purchases.When we arrived at the barracks., we notices Julie's truck had return (and assumably so had Julie), and we could not help noticing it had a boo-boo that was not there earlier.

By boo-boo I mean that the driver's side door was pushed in several inch from the impact of a '72 Chevy El Camino, the front window was cracked, and where the drivers side window should have been there was only cardboard held in place by duct tape.

There was also some damage to the dash board, but we learned that was cause by Iggy repeatedly hitting it with her fist shortly after the accident.

"Where do you suppose she is?"

"Where would you be if someone T-Boned your brand new Ford Truck?"

The bar.

As expected, when we entered the bar, we found Iggy siting in her usual spot, drinking a beer which was probably not her first that afternoon.

Or her last.

And she looked mad. Beyond mad, she looked pissed!

Normal people would have left her alone. But Mac was far from normal. Mac had no fear. And Mac was going to tease Iggy.

"Hey Iggy! What happened to your truck?"

She turned towards us. She didn't say anything, but the look on her face spoke volume

"I thought you said you knew how to drive in snow. I guess the guy who hit you didn't."

She glared at Mac, and if looks could kill he would be dead. He face twitched. You could see it coming. She opened her mouth slightly, and words emerged:

"@#$% you!!!" she responded.

I'm Mister White Christmas
I'm Mister Snow
I'm Mister Icicle
I'm Mister Ten Below
Friends call me Snow Miser
What ever I touch
Turns to snow in my clutch
I'm too much!

Controversial NFL Ref placed on Standby

NFL Commissioner
Roger Goodell

With the likelihood of the Seattle Seahawks winning the playoffs (and playing in the 2014 Superbowl), NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced that Bill Leavy has been put on standby to be the Head Referee at Superbowl XLVIII should the Seahawks win the NFC championship.

"Seattle is doing well" Goodell said in a press conference. "We have told Bill to be ready for the possibility of the Seahawks making it to the Superbowl a second time."

Bill Leavy is best know as the referee who's erroneous calls resulted in Seattle's 21-10 loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2006. Leavy's erroneous call were:

• Receiver Darrell Jackson was called for offensive pass interference during a play, in which he caught a Matt Hasselbeck pass in the end zone. Seattle settled for a field goal instead of a 7-0 lead.
• The Seahawks appeared to have stopped Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger at the goal-line plane on his 1-yard score late in the first half that gave the Steelers a 7-3 lead. Leavy upheld the call after a replay review.
• Early in the fourth quarter, tackle Sean Locklear was called for holding on a pass completion that would have put the Seahawks at the Pittsburgh 1, poised for the go-ahead touchdown. After the penalty, Hasselbeck threw an interception.
• Hasselbeck was called for an illegal low block and given a 15-yard penalty on a tackle after the interception.

There were claims that Leavy had wagered on the game (a violation of NFL policy) against Seattle. Leavy was investigated, and cleared, of any illegality regarding his erroneous call by a Justice Department investigation. In the report to the Joint Congressional Subcommittee on Bogus Calls by Sport's Officials, the chief investigator stated that "stupidity and poor eye sight are not criminal offences."



Former Pittsburgh Steeler QB
Terry Bradshaw

Fearing possible retaliation from disgruntled Seattle fans, Steelers head coach Bill Cowher and Pittsburgh's mayor Bob O'Connor employed former quarterback Terry Bradshaw to serve as an ambassador to Seattle shortly after the game. Bradshaw visit the Puget Sound area for several days, meeting with Seattle residence and Seahawk fans. After meeting with several fans, including one who identified herself as "Erica," Bradshaw was able to redirect hostility from the Steelers and the Pittsburgh area to the offending referee, Bill Leavy.

Leavy received numerous death threats after Super Bowl XL, predominantly from the Pacific Northwest area. A number of  threats, sign by someone identifying herself as "Erica," threatened Leavy with various modes of death, the manner of which were all described as "slow and excruciatingly painful". As a result of these threats, Leavy was force to go into hiding. He lived in hiding for several years as part of a witness relocation program, until his location was discovered by disgruntled Seahawk fans.

"Upon reflection" stated Alan Smith (Department of Justice's Witness Relocation Program director, "I guess Wenatchee Washington was not the best location we could have come up with to send Mr. Leavy."

An FBI investigation was able to trace the "Erica" letters to Eastern Washington, but was unable to identify the person (or persons) sending the threats. No arrests were made, and the case is still unsolved.

Leavy eventually apologized in 2010 for his calls

Bill Leavy

"It was a tough thing for me. I kicked two calls in the fourth quarter and I impacted the game, and as an official you never want to do that. It left me with a lot of sleepless nights, and I think about it constantly. I'll go to my grave wishing that I'd been better.... I know that I did my best at that time, but it wasn't good enough.... When we make mistakes, you got to step up and own them. It's something that all officials have to deal with, but unfortunately when you have to deal with it in the Super Bowl it's difficult." 

A spokesperson for the Seahawk Fans of Eastern Washington (Moses Lake chapter), who identified herself as Erica (but not "that" Erica) said that his apology "was not good enough. Leavy needs to die a slow and excruciatingly painful death."

Head of Leavy's security team

Leavy has been taken to an undisclosed location, and is currently under 24 hour protection of U.S.Marshalls. If Seattle goes to the Super Bowl, the Marshalls will escort him to New Jersey for the game. Already, the at MetLife Stadium at the Meadowlands Sports Complex in East Rutherford, N.J. has been checked, and remains under surveillance in the event that an attempt is made against Leavy.

Asked if he was adequately protected, the head of the U.S.Marshall unit responsible for Leavy safety (who identified herself as "Erica") stated that all possible security precautions had been taken.

"He is quite safe under our protection. He will not be executed in any slow and excruciatingly painful manner."

Pomeranian Home Security Systems (X-mas edition)

December 25th, 12:01 a.m.
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...

MACKY: Freedom! Wake up!

FREEDOM: What for?

MACKY: I heard a noise.

FREEDOM: Go back to sleep.

MACKY: It might be a burglars.

Sarah wakes up.

SARAH: Why are you two awake?

FREEDOM: Macky thinks he heard a noise.

MACKY: I did!

SARAH: Go back to sleep.

MACKY: It might be a burglar. We should guard our food.

SARAH: You are a doof! Burglars are not going to break and steal food.

MACKY: They might.

FREEDOM: Go back to sleep. There is no burglars.

SARAH: Wait a minute. I just heard it too.

MACKY: I told you!

SARAH: It's coming from upstairs.

MACKY: I told you!

FREEDOM: We don't have an upstairs.

SARAH: Then someone's on the roof.

FREEDOM: Burglars?

MACKY: I told you!

FREEDOM: What kind of burglars go on roofs?

SARAH: Cat burglars.

MACKY: We do not have a cat.

SARAH: You are a doof.

MACKY: But if we did have a cat, I would not care if the burglars stole it. I do not like cats.

FREEDOM: We better keep watch. Macky, Guard the window, I'll guard the door.

SARAH: I hear something in the chimney.

FREEDOM: The chimney???


You're a mean one,
Mister Grinch
You really are a heel,
You're as cuddly as a cactus,
you're as charming as an eel,
Mister Grinch,
You're a bad banana
with a greasy black peel!

MACKY: OMG! It is the Grinch!!!

SARAH: The What?

MACKY: The Grinch! He is coming to steal our Christmas

SARAH: What the hell is a Grinch?

MACKY: It is a... It is a... I do not know what it is, but he is not a nice, and he steals people's Christmas.

SARAH: Where do you come up with stuff like this?

MACKY: It was on TV! It was called "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

FREEDOM: I saw that. But he changed to good at the end.

MACKY: Maybe he has an evil twin brother.

SARAH: Maybe you watch too much TV.

FREEDOM: What ever it is, it is coming down the chimney.

MACKY: Everyone grab something, and we'll whack him when he comes out.

SARAH: Whack him with what?

MACKY: With big sticks!!!

FREEDOM: We don't have any big sticks.

MACKY: Then what should we do?

SARAH: We need to scare them off.

FREEDOM: I got an idea. When he comes out, we will  bark really loud.

MACKY: Yeah!

FREEDOM: And them pounce on him.

SARAH: Here he comes!

FREEDOM: Everyone get ready... Now!!!

ALL THREE DOGS: Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark! Bark!  Bark!  Bark!

When out on the living room there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

ME: What's going on?

SARAH: It's their fault.

FREEDOM: Sorry, Dad.

MACKY: We thought he was a burglar.

SANTA: Can you understand why I hate coming to your house every year?

---

December 25th, 12:30 a.m.

MACKY: Dad was not happy with us.

SARAH: Neither was Santa.

FREEDOM: He left without eating his milk and cookies.

MACKY: That's OK, I will eat them for him.

FREEDOM: We'd better just go back to sleep.

MACKY: Hey! I just thought of something.

Macky gets up, and heads for the living room.

SARAH: Where are you going?

MACKY: To see what Santa left for me!

SARAH: After beating him up, he probably left us each a lump of coal.

MACKY: I am going to find out.

FREEDOM: Dude! It's 12:30am

MACKY: I know! That means it is Christmas morning.

SARAH: Barely.

MACKY: I am going to open my presents!

Rudolph Announces Retirement

Rudolph Ukkonen

In a press conference held at the Helsinki Hilton, Rudolph "the Red-Nosed Reindeer" announced that he would be retiring at the end of the 2013 Christmas season.

"It has truly been an honor, not only to be part of Santa's team, but to have been the lead reindeer. But I feel that it is time to step down and allow a younger reindeer to take over." 

Rudolph is best remembered as the young reindeer who, during the "foggy Christmas Eve" of 1964, was instrumental in preventing the cancellation of Christmas by providing navigational assistance to Santa, who would not have otherwise been able to deliver gifts that year.

---

Arvid Dingle
Public Relations
North Pole, Inc.

A spokesmanelf for the North Pole, Arvid Dingle, said that Rudolph would be missed after his retirement, but that Santa Claus understands and supports his decision to step down.

When asked by reporters if Rudolph's retirement will have any impact on navigation and delivery of presents, Mr. Dingle stated that:

"The advancement of aerospace navigational systems, especially GPS, has helped improved deliveries on Christmas eve. It would take the most extreme weather to force us to postpone, or even cancel Christmas. The likelihood of such a storm is remote."

Dingle also indicated that contingency plans existed, but did not elaborate on what they were.

---



Hermey currently serves as the President

of the Arctic Gay and Lesbian Coalition.

"It is sad to see him go" said Dr. Hermey Hammaslääkäri DDS, head of the North Pole Dental Facility. "He has truly been an inspiration to everyone, especially those with perceived disabilities. He is the one who not only inspired me to pursue my interest in dentistry, but to give me the courage to admit to my true sexual orientation."

Others associated with the North Pole expressed sadness with Rudolph's decision, but were also supportive.



Rudolph is the last remaining member of the "classic" line-up. The other eight members of the "foggy Christmas eve" team have all retired, with the exception of Dancer, who died in 2008 from antlerean cancer.
 

Rudolph and his wife, Clarice

Rudolph and his wife, Clarice, have purchased a condominium at Porokylä, a retirement community for reindeer outside of Rovaniemi in Lapland.

Although retired, Rudolph and his wife will still continue to be part of the Marine's Misfit Toys for Tots program.

---

According to the North Pole website, the official reindeer line-up for 2013 is:

• Leonard (21st year)
• Dasher, Jr. (13th year)
• Ida (8th year)
• Chico (5th year)
• Ole (3rd year)
• Bettie (2nd year)
• Gustav (1st year)
• Sven (1st year)

Veteran reindeer Furgussen was forced to withdraw from the line-up after he injured his knee last week during reindeer games. This would have been Fergussen's eighth consecutive year.



Arvid Dingle
Public Relations
North Pole, Inc.

Also removed from the line-up was Wilhelm, who was suspended after testing positive for drug usage. Arvid Dingle (Spokeself for North Pole Enterprises) decline to comment on Wilhelm specifically, but did make a general statement regarding drug usage:

"The North Pole has a policy of zero-tolerance regarding illegal drug usage. Anyone caught using controlled substances is automatically placed on the Naughty List"

When asked how this policy applied to Colorado and Washington State, where recreational use of marijuana is now legal, Mr. Dingle said the matter was still "under study."

According to the North Pole website, the Worldwide Naughty Index (WNI) is at 113.8, up 4.2 from last year.

The Bureau of Holiday Affairs (Part 2)

As Christmas went into full gear, Macky Rae (my youngest dog) got all excited with anticipation, not only for the eventual arrival of St Nick on Christmas Eve, but the arrival of Christmas specials.

Last Christmas, Macky was practically glued to the television, watching all the Christmas cartoons, stop-animations, and variety show. In the afternoons, when he wasn't going through the TV Guide to determine what was being shown that evening, he was wandering around the house singing songs he learned from the previous evening's specials.

He could even do the Peanuts dance.

This year, however, was not as joyous as last year.

MACKY: I am not happy.

ME: What's wrong? I thought you were watching Christmas specials.

MACKY: I was, but they were the same ones I watched last year.

ME: They are, huh?

MACKY: Yeah. Same stupid Rudolph, same stupid Frosty, same stupid Drummer boy.

ME: No new ones?

MACKY: Nope.

ME: Must be the economy.

Macky logs onto his computer

ME: Going to play your ZombieLand™ game?

MACKY: No. I am going to Hulu.com and see if I can find some of the Christmas specials you watched as a kid

I didn't have the heart to tell him.

The Bureau is currently taking
applications for staff positions.
Email your application to:
jobs@hohoho.gov

The Bureau of Holiday Affairs will probably be unable to get Macky new Christmas specials, but we will deal with some of the visual manifestations of the holidays: Lights and Decorations.

As if the the torrent of carols wasn't enough, we are overwhelmed by an assortment of lights, wreaths, trees, and other decorations. A virtual cacophony of colors that, up until now, has gone unchecked.

Outdoor Residential Decorations

I once had a neighbor who was either overflowing with Christmas spirit, or just had a lot of time on his hands. Maybe both. Every year, the front of his house was transformed into what could best be described as collision of holiday themes. It appeared that he had purchased every holiday lawn decoration available at Home Depot.

Well, not every available decoration, but that was probably only because he ran out of room in his yard.

Let me give you a description: The center piece, in the middle of the yard, was Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus in a manger, illuminated by two mini outdoor floodlights. To the right, near the fence that separated their yard with the Ferguson's, were three Wise Men and a camel. To the left, two shepherds and a sheep. And a plastic snowman.

I remember shepherds in the Bible, and Wise Men, but I don't remember any snowmen.

On the garage, just above the basketball hoop, was the Star of Bethlehem.

On the rooftop was Santa and four tiny reindeer.

Yes, only four. I guess that was all the room that was available. The other four may have been in the back yard, grazing or something. I didn't look to see.

Then there was the lights. Multi-colored lights were strung up everywhere! Around the windows, along the edge of the roof, in the shrubbery, on both sides of the walkway leading to the front door, around the front door - everywhere that there could be lights, there were.  

The luminescence was of such intensity that it actually washed out the street lamp!

Although this is more of an extreme example, it shows the extremes that some holiday fanatics will go to, and demonstrates that there is, indeed, a need for Bureau guidelines.

To those that want to decorate their house and/or yard, the Bureau offers the following advice: Moderation.

Themes: Please limit your yard to one theme. Multiple themes are confusing, often cluttered, and bordering on trashy.

In other words: If you do a Nativity scene (for example) keep Santa off the roof.

Power consumption: The total power consumption for any Christmas display may not exceed 10% of the average monthly electric bill. Luminosity may not exceed that of the street lamp.

Decorative Deer Outdoor Lights: These things are just freaky, especially the mechanical ones that move their heads. It like something out of science fiction, a deer/terminator or something. There is one of these down the street from us. The dogs do not like it. They bark at it when the head move. We have decided to ban these, so if you have one in your yard, please remove it immediately.

Giant Inflatable Outdoor Decorations: Does anyone really need a ginormous reindeer on their front lawn?

Do your neighbors want one in their neighborhood? Probably not.

My main problem with inflatable decorations is when they are uninflated. I went past a house that had a ginormous Santa Claus that had deflated.

It looked like Santa had gone on a bender, and had passed out in the front yard. Seriously, this is not a happy image.

Nearby was a deflated ginormous snowman. It looked like Frosty had melted, which was weird because it was 15°F out.

I don't want to see a deflated deer.

Indoor Holiday Decorations: The Bureau will make no rules or guidelines. What you do inside your home is your business. Unless it can be seen from the outside, in which case you must either keep your curtains closed, or comply with the Bureau's decorations guidelines.

And show a little respect.
Is this what we want small
children to see?

---

ME: What are you watching?

MACKY: Funky Skunky's Stinky Christmas.

ME: Is it any good?

MACKY: It stinks.

ME: Then why are you watching it?

MACKY: Because it's the only new Christmas special this year.

---

"Silver and Gold"

Snowmen: We cover snowmen (and other snow constructions) in Bureau, Part 1, but since snowmen may be part of yard decorations, we will cover it again. Snowmen (real ones) are not restricted to the Holiday Season (Dec 1st - Jan 15th), but are required to remain in the following guidelines:

• The number of snowmen is limited to the number of real persons living at the residence.
• Holiday specific apparel and accessories (e.g. "Santa" hats) will need to be removed after the 15th.
• Snowmen may not have "equipment" - the carrot goes on the face! 
• Snowwomen may have breasts, but they are required in good taste.
• Likewise snow sculptures must also be in "good taste."

Snowmen may be built and placed in the yard, even if another holiday theme has been displayed. But please, do not include snowmen in your nativity scenes.

Commercial Decorations

The worst offenders of excessive decorating are businesses. In there quest to obtain as much money as the can during the yuletide, they overwhelm us us with a plethora of decor that, hopefully, will interfere with our good senses and cause us to spend more than we should on gifts and other Christmas paraphernalia.

To those businesses that want to decorate their establishments, the Bureau offers the following advice: Moderation.

The Bureau is mandating that external displays con exceed 15% of the storefront, and that they adhere to similar guidelines as for residential displays. In other words: moderation.

Inside, well..  Try to be moderate. The Bureau realizes 'Tis the Season, but don't slap everyone in the face with it.

And ease back on the pine (and other holiday) scent. Have some consideration for those people with allergies!

---

The Bureau of Holiday Affairs has drafted a letter to the Department of Labor recommending legislation to prevent employers from forcing their employees to wear Christmas decorations as a condition of employment.

It's bad enough they are only making minimum wage. Must we humiliate them by forcing them to wear reindeer antlers?  

---

Fashion

This is over doing it.

There is something about the holiday season that causes some people to brighten up there wardrobe and begin wearing Christmassy 

To those who wish to "don their gay apparel", the Bureau offers the following advice: Moderation.

Christmas sweaters, and other seasonal apparel, will be governed more or less under the same guidelines and principles and other decorations. At this time, we will not make and/or enforce any rules or regulations. Everyone is on their honor, and if it appears that this is being abused, we will lay the smack down and write up some rules.

Christmas Hats: Please wear these sparingly. They look stupid, even if you are an elf.

Where are the Fashion Police
when you need them?

And speaking of hats

Animal Hats: These are those warm weather hats that have cute animal faces.

Although they are not exactly holiday hats, they are frequently seen around the holiday (although that is because they are winter hats and Christmas in a winter holiday) and since they are frequently seen during the holidays the bureau is taking jurisdiction over then because, well.. Someone has to.

Therefore, the bureau is issuing the following statement regarding "Animal hats."

The look stupid.

Seriously. They are cute if you are two, stupid when you are twelve, and retarded when you are twenty.

Grown-ups do not wear animals on there head!

---

SARAH: Dad, is there something our Bureau can do about the quality of Christmas specials shown on TV?

ME: Not really. Television is covered by the FCC. And then there are First Amendment issues.

Inappropriate!

SARAH: Too bad. There are some things that don't need to be aired.

ME: Such as?

SARAH: The Miley Cyrus Christmas Special.

ME: Really?

SARAH: Some things are very inappropriate for the yuletide season.

ME: I'll call the FCC tomorrow.

SARAH: And call Billy Ray and tell him to make his daughter wear some decent clothing.

FREEDOM: Sarah! The Justin Bieber Christmas show is starting!

SARAH: OMG!

MACKY: He has his shirt off. 

SARAH: Dad!

ME: I'll call first thing in the morning.

---

For now, that covers quite a bit, although as we go along, we will need to come up with more rules.

Freedom Elisha
Deputy Director
Bureau of Holiday Affairs

So with that, I would like to end with this thought: As we go through the Christmas season, everyone should remember that...

FREEDOM: Dad! You should come see this.

ME: I'm working on the blog.

As I was trying to say: As we go through the Christmas season, everyone should remember that...

FREEDOM: Dad you are missing it!

ME: Missing what?

FREEDOM: The Bikini Babes Gone Wild Christmas Special.

ME: Seriously?

SARAH: I can't believe they are going outside like that.

MACKY: Why? The got their snow boots on.

SARAH: And that's about all they have on.

ME: I'll be right there.

So, anyway, as I was saying...

I forgot.

 Well, it couldn't have been that important. Merry Christmas!

 

Sarah Lin
Executive Secretary
for Public Affairs
Bureau of Holiday Affair

As the Bureau's Executive Secretary for Public Affairs, Sarah wishes to remind everyone that she is available to serve as Grand Marshall of anyone's holiday parade (or at least ride on the float).

She has been practicing her parade wave in the mirror.

Inquiries may be emailed to dog.princess@hohoho.gov