Dog Trek

I came home the other day and found my living room full of dogs, lounging on the furniture and eating popcorn. Not just my dogs, but about two dozen other assorted dogs of assorted sizes ranging from Labrador to Chihuahua.

No, this wasn't a meeting of the 12th Dog Association

Although this was (more or less) the same group of dogs (and Cat) that occasionally gather in my home to watch the Seahawk game, I knew this was not the reason for the gathering. For one, there was no Seahawk game scheduled that day, and instead of Seahawk jerseys they were all wearing "classic" Star Trek shirts.

Old Lang Syne

On New Years Eve in 1983 I was on active duty in the Air Force, and that night I had guard duty from 2200 to 0000

For all you civilians, that from 10pm to midnight.

I was in training at the time, and part of the training was to learn about the importance of security by standing guard duty. Nothing every happens. Your not guarding anything of real importance, just the dormitory. There is a bigger picture, that is, learning to guard real assets by starting with the dormitory. You don't even get to carry a weapon yet, you just wear the web belt.

Dorm guard means checking everyone's ID card when they come in, and if a person is not on the authorized list of people authorized to come into the dorm, you must deny them access unless they have a pass from the CQ, or the Sergeant said it was OK to let them in..

Nobody comes in at night, so guard duty on night shift is boring. Much like being the Maytag repair man.

---

But the military is like that. Hours and hours of boredom, waiting for something to happen. And considering that war is the something that might happen, you hoped that everything remained boring. Nobody ever really dies of boredom. They die of war, however.

---

Guard duty in training was the beginning of a continual learning process that everything in the military needs to be secured. From basic training onward, you are continually learning to guard thing, secure things, and someone is occasionally monitoring your security.

I covered all this on a previous blog entry.

Regular readers of this blog will remember that was the blog page where I told the story about how Airman Brumble forced a Brigadier General to lay face down in the dirt. 

Security comes in various forms and various levels - Top Secret, Secret, Very Secret, Uber Secret, Classified, semi-classified, unclassified, and "between you, me and the lamp post."

And if it doesn't fit into any other category, there is the catch-all classification of "need to know." Basically, anything (and everything) is considered need to know, and if someone doesn't need to know you don't tell him anything.

And some of the oddest things get classified under the "Need to Know Doctrine." True story:

Once, during a routine check by security, I was quizzed on procedures and protocols, and one of the questions was who do I call in such-and-such event, and I answered Security Police (correct answer). I was then asked what the phone number was. I was suppose to remember that number, but even back then I had problems remembering numbers. But, seriously, even in the military, in the event of an emergency, dial 911

I told the man I couldn't remember the number, but it was in my pocket phone book, and I removed it from my pocket to show him. He asked to examine the "little black book" and after briefly going through it, he returned it to me that since I had (in addition to the phone numbers of every female I knew in San Antonio) military phone numbers inside, he informed me that my "little black book" was to be considered  a classified document - that is "need to know" information.

I knew some cuties in San Antonio, and I "needed to know" their numbers ;-)

But I digress 

2358 - I heard someone walking towards me. Airmen Jenson was coming to relieve me - he had duty from 0000 to 0200

That midnight to 2am

The clock hit Midnight. Elsewhere, at least in the Central Time Zone, people were yelling and tooting noisemakers and setting off fireworks. And maybe kissing that special someone.

Not in the dorm. Except for me and Jensen, everyone else was asleep.

"Happy New Years" I told him as he approached.

"Same to you" he replied.

Softly, Jensen began to sing. I joined in

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and old lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Jensen looked at me and said "You are relieved" he told me.

"I stand relieved" I replied, then walked to my bunk to go to sleep.

I did not kiss Jensen. He wasn't that special.

The first Noel

The following is (loosely) based on the accounts as recorded in the second chapter of the Gospel of St. Luke:

Dramatis Personae
Jacob - head Shepherd
Nathan - Shepherd
Caleb - Apprentice Shepherd
"Eddie" - Angel of the Lord
Host of Angels - Choir and Musicians

Time: 1AD (around 2am)

Scene: A Shepherd camp in a pasture near Bethlehem (the one in Israel, not the one in Pennsylvania). Two shepherds are sitting around a fire.

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. [Luke 2:8]

NATHAN: Damn, it is cold.

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: I need something to warm me up. Is there anymore wine left?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: Let me have some.

CALEB: We're suppose to be watching the sheep.

NATHAN: So?

CALEB: Jacob don't like us drinking when we're watching the sheep

NATHAN: Yeah? Well Jacob is sound asleep in the tent. He ain't going to know unless someone tells him.

CALEB: I ain't no snitch.

NATHAN: Then pass over that wine.

CALEB: I don't think we should be drinking. We need to be alert.

NATHAN: Alert for what?

CALEB: What if a wolf shows up?

NATHAN: There ain't no wolves around here.

CALEB: Or a coyote.

NATHAN: A coyote?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: There can't be coyotes around here. Coyotes are only found in the new world, and the new world won't be discovered for another 1500 years.

CALEB: Really?

NATHAN: Really. Now hand over the wine.

[Caleb removes a wineskin from the bag and hands it to Nathan, who takes a drink. He hands the wine back to Caleb, who starts to drink then suddenly stops and looks around.]
       
CALEB: What was that?

NATHAN: What was what?

CALEB: I heard a noise.

NATHAN: It was probably just the wind.

CALEB: Maybe.

[Caleb starts to take a drink, then stops again.]

CALEB: There! Did you here that?

NATHAN: Hear what?

CALEB: That noise. It might be a wild animal

NATHAN: I don't hear nothing.

CALEB: It's a bear! Can't you hear it?

NATHAN: That's not a bear. That's Jacob snoring.

CALEB: It coming from out in the pasture. There is something out there.

NATHAN: There's nothing out there but sheep.

CALEB: There might be a wild animal...

NATHAN: Caleb, I'm telling you. There is nothing... Wait a minute.

CALEB: What?

NATHAN: I heard something.

CALEB: I told you!

NATHAN: It's coming this way.

CALEB: It's a wolf!

NATHAN: I told you, there are no wolves around here.

CALEB: It's a coyote!!!

NATHAN: It is not!

CALEB: Maybe it's a lion

NATHAN: Will you stop with the animals?

CALEB: It's coming into the camp!

[Nathan and Caleb stand up, both of them brandishing shepherd crooks.]

NATHAN: Halt!

CALEB: Who goes there?

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. [Luke2 :9]

[Enter: ANGEL of the Lord]

ANGEL: Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

NATHAN: Who are you?

ANGEL: I am the angel of the Lord.  I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall...

NATHAN: Wait a minute. You're an angel?

ANGEL: Verily, I am.

NATHAN: Can you prove that? Do you have ID or something?

ANGEL: Well, no, but...

CALEB: Where are your wings?

ANGEL: My what?

CALEB: Wings. Angels have wings.

ANGEL: Actually they don't.

CALEB: They don't?

ANGEL: No.

CALEB: That's what they told us in Sabbath school.

ANGEL: They told you wrong.

NATHAN: So, if you are an angel, why are you here?

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

NATHAN: Good tidings?

ANGEL: Good tidings indeed. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.

CALEB: Why is he talking like that?  

NATHAN: I don't know. Maybe that's how angel's talk.

ANGEL: And this shall be a sign unto you...

NATHAN: Wait a minute. I'm not saying you're lying, but how do we know you are telling the truth?

CALEB: Yeah.

NATHAN: Can you prove your an angel?

CALEB: Yeah. Prove it.

ANGEL: Prove it?

NATHAN: Yeah. Do something that shows us your legit.

CALEB: Yeah. Show us something angelic.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. [Luke 2:13-14]

CALEB: Holy @#$%!!!

NATHAN: Who are all these people?

ANGEL: This is the multitude of the heavenly host. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

NATHAN: Yeah? Well your multitude just scared the @#$% out of our sheep.

CALEB: They scared the @#$% out of me!

NATHAN: It will takes us all night to round them all up

CALEB: They're everywhere.

JACOB: [From inside the tent] What's going on out there???

CALEB: Now we're in trouble.

[Enter: JACOB]

JACOB: What's going on out here? [Looking at the ANGEL] Who is this man?

NATHAN: He says he is the angel of the Lord.

JACOB: Which lord?

NATHAN: THE Lord.

JACOB: You mean God?

NATHAN: Yeah.

JACOB: Why is he here?

NATHAN: He says he has a message

JACOB: From God?

NATHAN: I think so.

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

JACOB: Why is he talking like that? 

NATHAN: I don't know 

CALEB: Maybe that's how angels talk.

ANGEL: For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

NATHAN: City of David? 

CALEB: Where's that? 

JACOB: He probably means Jerusalem.

ANGEL: Nay. I meaneth Bethlehem.

CALEB: Bethlehem?? 

NATHAN: The Messiah is in Bethlehem?

JACOB: Why is the Messiah in Bethlehem?

ANGEL: It was prophesized in in the book of Micah: "But thou, Bethlehem, though thou be little among the thousands of Judah, yet out of thee shall he come forth unto me that is the ruler in Israel, whose goings forth have been from of old, from everlasting." [Micah 5:2]

NATHAN: Little is a good description of Bethlehem. 

CALEB: They don't get littlier than that.

[JACOB looks around]

JACOB:  Hey! Wait a minute. Where are all the sheep?

NATHAN: They ran off.

JACOB: What??

CALEB: It wasn't our fault Jake.

NATHAN: It was his fault

JACOB: Who's fault?

NATHAN: His. The angel of the Lord. While he was telling us about the Messiah and the city of David, a bunch of those angel fellows showed up and started singing and playing music...

CALEB: There were a lot of them.

NATHAN: ..and it scared the @#$% out of the sheep...

CALEB: It scared the @#$% out of me

NATHAN: ...and the sheep scattered.

JACOB: OK, let me get this straight. This guy shows up, says he's an angel, then more angels showed up and scared the sheep?

NATHAN: That's right

CALEB: It's true!

[JACOB turns and glares at the angel]

JACOB: Look, uh... What is your name?

ANGEL: I am the angel of the Lord.

JACOB: Do you have a real name?

ANGEL: It's Eddie.

NATHAN: Eddie?? 

CALEB: What kind of name for an angel is that?

JACOB: Look, Eddie. You can't just come in and scare off my flock.

ANGEL: I bring you good tidings of great joy...

JABOB: Yeah, yeah. So you are the angel of the Lord?

ANGEL: Verily.

JACOB: Show me an I.D.

ANGEL: I.D.?

NATHAN: We asked him that.

CALEB: He ain't got ID.

JACOB: Well, I need something to prove your really an angel of the Lord.

CALEB: Uh-oh.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

JACOB: Holy @#$%!!!

NATHAN: That's what I said.

JACOB: No wonder the sheep ran off. That must have scared the @#$% out of them.

CALEB: It scared the @#$% out of me!

NATHAN: What do you think, Jake? Is he legit?

JACOB: He might be. That was a pretty good trick.

CALEB: Maybe we should go check it out, just to see if it's true or not.

JACOB: Good Idea. Hey, Eddie, how do we find the Messiah?

ANGEL: And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

JACOB: Babe?

NATHAN: Swaddling clothes?

CALEB: What are swaddling clothes?

NATHAN: Diapers.

JACOB: The messiah is a baby?

ANGEL: Verily.

CALEB: What does "verily" mean? 

NATHAN: It means "true."

JACOB: How is a baby suppose to help?

NATHAN: He is a baby.

CALEB: In swaddling clothes.

JACOB: How can a baby do anything.

ANGEL: He will increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man.

NATHAN: And then he will save us rom the Romans?

ANGEL: The Savior is not her to help you against the Romans.

JACOB: Then why is he here?

ANGEL: To save mankind from sin.

JACOB: [Contemplating] Well, I suppose that is important too.

NATHAN: What about it, Jake. Do you think its true?

JACOB: Well, it seems a bit odd. Especially the babe in a manger part.

CALEB: In swaddling clothes.

JACOB: But Eddie here seems to be telling the truth.

NATHAN: Maybe we should go to Bethlehem, and see for ourselves.

JACOB: Good idea. So Eddie, you're sure the Messiah is in Bethlehem? Not Jerusalem?

ANGEL: Bethlehem.

JOSIAH: Well, come on then, let's go into Bethlehem and find the Messiah so we can adore him.

CALEB: Adore him?

NATHAN: He means go check him out.

ANGEL: I Shall leadeth the way

JACOB: Not so fast. You're not going anywhere. You and your angel buddies are going to round up all the sheep that you scattered. And no music!

NATHAN: It scares the @#$% out of the sheep.

CALEB: It scares the @#$% out of me.

ANGEL: But...

JACOB: No buts! You're the reason the sheep scattered, so you can round them up while we go to Bethlehem.

ANGEL: But...

JACOB: Look, pal. Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry. Now start collecting sheep!

ANGEL: Yes, sir.

JACOB: OK, let's go.

CALEB: Hey, Jake. If this really is the Messiah, we should bring him a present.

JACOB: Good idea.

NATHAN: Where do we get presents at this time of night?

JACOB: There's a convenience store on the main street thats open 24 hours.

NATHAN: Convenience store? What kind of presents can you get there?

JACOB: They got disposable diapers.

NATHAN: Diapers? What kind of a gift is that?

JACOB: Well, the angel did say the Messiah was a baby.

NATHAN: Good point.

JACOB: And they got cigars

CALEB: For a baby?

JACOB: Not for a baby you schdimwit. For the father, uh... what's his name??

ANGEL: Joseph

JACOB: What about the mother? What can we get her?

CALEB: I know. Chocolate!

JACOB: Oh, yeah. If there is something women like, it's chocolate.

[Exit: Shepherds]

Alien Chronicles: Expendable Ensign

Another episode from my unpublished book/TV series Alien Chronicles

FSC Leif Ericson
42 officers, 450 crewmen, 150 scientists

Dramatis Personae

Captain Horton - Commanding officer. Although he graduated 186th in his class at the Academy (out of 282), he is smart enough not to beam down to unknown and/or hostile planets. Species: Human.

Lt (SG) Kermad d'Frok - Logistics Officer. Kermad is an Anurian, an amphibious race of creatures from the 3rd planet (Anura) of the Rana system, which is located in the Henson star cluster. Three and a half feet tall and frog-like in appearance, the best way to briefly describe Kermad's (or other Anurians') appearance is to imagine what Kermit the frog would look like if he used anabolic steroids.

Lt (SG) Mackarae - Chief of Computer Operations. Known as "Mack" to his fellow officers, he is a Madran, a dog-like race from a planet in the Txakurra system. He stands about 4 3/4 feet tall, making him the second shortest being on the ship - the shortest being d'Frok.

Lt (JG) Kainen Keijo - Head of the Science Department. From Aldeberan, resembling a tolkienesque elf, except with blueish-grey skin. Androgynous in appearance, Keijo may be either male, female, both, or neither. Due to Captain Horton's policy regarding transgendered crewman, Keijo has been seen using both men's and ladies' bathrooms (so that cannot be used to ascertain Keijo's gender).

Robert "Bob" Rosenkrantz and Raymond "Ray" Guildenstern - two of the ship's security personel.

Ensign Dukane - appliance repairman and expendable crewman



Captains Log: We are in orbit around Montego VI. The Federation has sent us to investigate the lose of communications from a research station on the planet.

CAPTAIN: Any response from the planet?

COMMUNICATIONS: No sir.

CAPTAIN: Hmmm. Mr. D'Frok.

D'FROK: Yes sir?

CAPTAIN: I want you to lead an away team down to the Montego station to investigate. Take Lt. Mackarae, Lt Keijo, and... Yeoman, who is next on the expendable Ensign list?

YEOMAN: [looking at her computer tablet] Next up is Ensign Dukane.

CAPTAIN: What's his specialty?

YEOMAN: Appliance repair.

CAPTAIN: Seriously?

D'FROK: I'll need a couple of security officers.

YEOMAN: Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern are available

D'FROK: They'll do

CAPTAIN: Just remember to keep them safe. We need to avoid issues with the Security Force Union - they are worse than the teamsters.

D'FROK: Aye, sir

d'Frok turns and exits the bridge.

Scene: Hallway

Ships personnel are moving purposefully in the corridors.

VOICE: May I have your attention please, this is the Captain. The following people report to transporter room 4: Mackarae, Keijo, Guildenstern, Rosenkrantz, and Dukane.

Scene: Transporter Room 4

d'Frok enters and looks around

D'FROK: Is everyone here?

MACKARAE: Dukane is missing.

d'Frok walks over to the side and pushes the button next to the intercom speaker.

DFROK: Ensign Dukane, report.

d'Frok waits a few moments, and gets no reply. He pushes another button.

D'FROK: Computer, locate Ensign Dukane.

VOICE: Ensign Dukane is in his quarters, hiding under his bed.

d'Frok turns, shaking his head.

D'FROK: [To the security officers] You two go get him.

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz exit the room.

D'FROK: Great Bird of the Galaxy, we don't have time for this. We only have an hour each episode.

MACKARAE: That only gives us 43 minutes after you factor in commercials, and opening and closing credits

KEIJO: 42 point 857 minutes

d'Frok and Mackarae give him (or her, or it) a questioning look.

KEIJO: Approximately.

D'FROK: The point is, we don't have time for this.

Scene: Hallway

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz walk up to a door, open it, and step inside. Moments later they re-emerge, dragging Dukane between them by the arms.

Scene: Transporter Room 4

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz enter, still dragging Dukane.

DUKANE: No, no. I don't want to die.

Guildenstern and Rosenkrantz step onto the transporter and drop Dukane unto the floor. d'Frok, Mackarae, and Keijo then also step onto the transporter.

D'FROK: Mr. O'Reilly, beam us down.

The transporter begins humming.

Lt Mackarae looks down at Dukane, who is still laying on the floor, crying.

MACKARAE: You are such a wuss.

A bright light, and the crew fades away

Scene: On the planet, the main control room of the research station

Humming, then the crew materializes in the middle of the room.

The team begins to look around, except for Dukane who remains laying on the floor. d'Frok stand over him and scowls.

D'FROK: Stand up you wuss.

 Dukane stands up, slowly

D'FROK: What is wrong with you?

DUKANE: [Sobbing] I don't want to die.

D'FROK: Your not going to die

DUKANE: The Expendable Ensign always dies.

MACKARAE: Not always. According to the Alien Chronicles fan page, there have been 64 expendable ensigns since the first episode, but only 37 have died. So your odds of living are better than 50/50

KEIJO: 57 point 8125 percent

Mackarae turns towards Keijo

MACKARAE: Approximately?

KEIJO: Exactly

D'FROK: The point is, Dukane, is you might live.

MACKARAE: And you might become a re-occuring character.

DUKANE: Really?

MACKARAE: Sure! That's what happened to O'Reilly. He even got promoted to Lieutenant.

DUKANE: That would be awesome.

D'FROK: Now, be awesome and go check out that dark, unlit hallway.

Dukane walks over to the hallway, then stops suddenly at the doorway and falls to the floor. There is what appears to be a harpoon in his chest.

D'FROK: What the @#$%?

MACKARAE: Holy %$#@!!

Laser fire comes from the hallway. The surviving crewmen hide behind furniture. The security officers begin firing laser into the hallway. Return fire comes back from the hallway.

D'FROK: We haven't been down here for two minutes, and he's already dead?

MACKARAE: That must be a new record.

D'FROK: So much for becoming a re-occurring character

KEIJO: What was that in his chest?

MACKARAE: It looked like a harpoon.

D'FROK: A Harpoon?

MACKARAE: Yeah.

d'Frok cautiously peeks over the counter

D'FROK: Wait a minute. That's not right.

d'Frok stands up amidst the laser blasts, making the T gesture with his hands.

D'FROK: Time out! Every one, time out!

The laser blasts abruptly stop.

D'FROK: You in the hallway, come in here for a moment.

Shadows move in the hallway, emerging into the room as two Predators.

KEIJO: They're Predators!

D'FROK: I thought so. I think you guys are lost. This is Alien Chronicles, you guys are on the wrong set.

The predators turn and look at each other, then back towards d'Frok.

MACKARAE: They're not even in the right Studio. Predator is 20th Century Fox, and that's on the other side of town.

One of the predator makes a gurgling sound.

D'FROK: That's OK, everyone makes mistakes now and then.

More gurgling.

D'FROK: Don't worry, I'll drive you there.

Even more gurgling.

D'FROK: It's no problem, I just need to tell my Captain where I'm going. My car is parked behind the building, its the Blue Honda Accord. I'll met you out there in a few minutes.

Predators exit through the door.

MACKARAE: You drive a Honda?

D'FROK: It gets great mileage.

d'Frok takes communicator from his belt.

D'FROK: d'Frok to Captain Horton.

VOICE: Horton hear.

D'FROK: Captain, I found out what happened to the scientists. There is a pair of Predators down here.

VOICE: Predators??

D'FROK: Yeah. They got the wrong set.

VOICE: They got the wrong studio. Predator is 20th Century Fox.

D'FROK: Yeah, I know. I'm going to drive them over there.

VOICE: Very thoughtful of you. Hey, since your going to be over in that part of town, stop and get tacos, enough for the whole crew.

D'FROK: Will do. Oh, by the way: Dukane died.

VOICE: So quickly?

D'FROK: Yeah, not even two minutes before we beamed down.

VOICE: That might be a new record.

Scene: Hallway

Ships personnel are moving purposefully in the corridors.

VOICE: May I have your attention please, this is the Captain. The official time for Ensign Dukane was 1 minute 51 seconds before being killed. Congratulations Lt. Chandra, winner of this week's expendable ensign pool.

Let's talk sh*t

According to an article I read recently, when dogs go out and are doing their business, they prefer to align themselves with the Earth's magnetic field.

By "doing their business", I mean going potty

Yes, someone actually did a scientific study of this, and published it in a scientific zoology journal.

And I wouldn't be surprised to find out that they got a government grant to do the study.

The study suggests that dogs are sensitive to small variations in Earth’s magnetic field. After examining 70 dogs — made up of 37 breeds — over two years, 1,893 defecations and 5,582 urinations, researchers found that under “calm magnetic field conditions,” dogs preferred to “excrete with the body being aligned along the north-south axis,” avoiding east-west altogether. Dogs were observed in a free-roaming environment, meaning they were not leashed and not influenced by walls or roads that would influence linear movement. 

It is still enigmatic why the dogs do align at all, whether they do it “consciously” (i.e., whether the magnetic field is sensorial perceived (the dogs “see”, “hear” or “smell” the compass direction or perceive it as a haptic stimulus) or whether its reception is controlled on the vegetative level (they “feel better/more comfortable or worse/less comfortable” in a certain direction).



So I got curious. I take my dogs out on a regular basis so the can "do business" and decided to see if my dogs aligned themselves with magnetic north. They didn't.

My dogs do not appear to have a compass.

Despite an elaborate ritual of sniffing, selecting just the right spot (which, I believe, is a dog-fengshui thing), circling, squatting, and finally defecating, my dogs did not align with the magnetic field.

I guess they didn't read the article.

Every time they went out, the aligned in a slightly different direction. But what I did notice was that all four aligned in the same direction as each other. At first I thought it was a "pack thing," but after a few weeks of observation, the answer became apparent:

They were facing into the wind.

And it made sense. By facing into the wind, the stink was blown away from their noses when they "did business."

How cleaver!

I'm thinking of doing up a paper, and submitting it to some scientific journal.

I wonder if I could get a government grant?

Return of the 12th Dog Association

The West Richland chapter of the 12th Dog Association had their annual barbecue on labor day weekend to celebrate the start of the football season.

Regular readers of this blog are aware that the 12th Dog Association is a group of canines - which includes mine -that are fans of the Seattle Seahawks.

There is also a cat, named Freddie, who is also a member.

The 12th Dog Association (and why there is a cat in the club) was covered in a previous blog.

It was a different type of barbecue than I like, but then it wasn't my barbecue. Most barbecues I go to there is beer involved, but since this was a dog barbecue, there was no beer. Just wieners. This may not sound like an exciting barbecue, but then you aren't a dog.

And the wieners were Oscar Meyer.

Macky  Rae making microwave popcorn

The dogs (and cat) enjoyed it though and after all it was their barbecue. After the wieners were roasted and consumed, the dogs came in side in order to watch the game and eat popcorn.



So I got an email from on of my readers, asking what ever happened to Macky and the other dogs that got arrested in February after the Super Bowl?

For those that missed it, or just forgot, Macky Rae and a few other members of the association - and Freddie - went on a rampage after Seattle lost the Super Bowl to New England - knocking over mail boxes, dumping garbage cans...

...and even tipped over a Geo Metro that had a Patriots bumpersticker.

The police responded, and the herd of rampaging pets were located. They were herded into the back of a police cruiser and were taken to the police station where they were booked, given a court date, then released into the custody of their people.

And I grounded Macky Rae for a month.

So, what happened at court:
Me, and the other people brought their little darlings to court. Court was presided over by Judge MacGregor. All the dogs were assigned a public defender (in that, being unemployed, did not have the means to hire a real lawyer). They were all assigned the same PD (public defender), a woman named Bernice Fankle.

Actually, this was their second lawyer. The dogs didn't like the first PD they were assigned - they didn't like the way he smelled. After some discussion between the assistant prosecuter, the first lawyer, and Judge MacGregor, it was agreed it would be in the best interest to all concerned that the dogs be assigned a PD whose smell the dogs approved of. This turned out to be Ms Fankle.

The charges were read (hooliganism, vandalism, and violating city leash ordinance) and the dogs (and the cat) were asked to make a plea.

And this is where it got a bit weird.

The dogs all insisted they didn't do it, and began whining despite the Judge's request for order in the court. The Bailiff attempted to calm the dogs down, but failed. After a few minutes, the Judge was force to call a recess.

Twenty minutes later, Judge MacGregor returned with with another Bailiff, Bill Walden, who prior to becoming a Bailiff for the court had spent 21 years on the police force, 12 of them as part of the K-9 corp - thus he knew how to handle dogs.

The Judge again asked how the dogs plead, and when the whining began Walden ordered the dogs to be quite in a very commanding voice, and when the dogs became silent, he rewarded each of them with a dog treat.

Ms Fankle entered a plea of "not guilty" on behalf of her clients, which was accepted by the court. The judge then requested that the prosecuter and Ms Fankle join him in his chambers. Sometime later, they returned and Ms Fankle confered with her clients (and their people). The assistant prosecuter, she told them, was offering a plea bargain deal. If the dogs (and cat) would plead guilty to hooliganism, the other charge would be dropped. In addition, there would be no jail time or fines - but the dogs (and cat) would have to do a week on work-crew.

The dogs (and cat) decided this was acceptable, and Ms Fankle amended their plea to "guilty." Judge MacGregor accepted the assistant prosecutors recommedation, and the dogs (and cat) were sentenced to one week on work crew.

Work crew began the following Monday. Every morning, us people packed a lunch for our pets, and then took our delinquents to the sheriff's department, where they all checked in and waited for the work crew officer to arrive. Deputy Sergeant Hanson was assigned to oversee the dogs (and cat) on work crew, and was assisted by Deputy Corporal Jenkins (from the k-9 corp). Each of the dogs was issued a bright orange vest, and then were loaded up in a van and taken out to pick up garbage along side of the highway. Work crew was from 10 to 3, with an hour break at noon for lunch. We would pick our pets up in the afternoon, and return the following morning.

Finally Friday came, the dogs had completed their sentence. After being warned to behave themselves in the future by Deputy Sergeant Hanson, the dogs said good-bye, loaded into their people's cars (and trucks) and went home.

Macky Rae kept all the aluminum cans they collected on work crew, and on Saturday he took them to Gus McPhersons salvage yards to be recycled.

Gus paid him $78 dollars and some change for the Aluminum. 

Zombieland - Heroes of the Apocalypse

Sarah, my older female dog, enters the room.

SARAH: Dad, you need to talk to Macky.

ME: Why?

SARAH: He's killing Firefighters!

ME: What?

SARAH: Can't you hear it?

MACKY: [From the other room]. Pow! Another Firefighter bites the dust!

ME: Those aren't real Firefighters. They are Zombie Firefighters on his game

(Regular readers of this blog are aware that Macky Rae, my younger male dog, is an avid player of ZombieLand™)

SARAH: It doesn't matter. It is still disrespectful. Firefighters are a very important part of our society.

ME: It's just a game,

SARAH: It teaches him bad habits.

ME: OK, I'll talk to him.

SARAH: Thank-you

ME: I'll ask him to focus on Police-Zombies

SARAH: No! They are an important part of our society as well.

ME: Farmer-Zombies?

SARAH: Where do you think food comes from?

ME: The store?

SARAH: Don't be smart.

ME: So which Zombies can he kill?

SARAH: He can kill the Dog Catcher Zombies.

ME: I don't think the game has those. It does have Postman Zombies.

SARAH: That would be OK

(Dog's have traditionally never been fond of Postmen)

ME: Hey, Macky.

MACKY: [From the other room]. Yes Dad?

ME: Focus on Postman Zombies today

MACKY: [From the other room]. OK.