Dances With Dogs: The Bible as Comedy (Part 2)

Warning: This blog entry contains material that would be considered offensive to narrow minded Christian fanatics (NMCFs).

If you fall into this category, please do not read any further.

In fact, maybe you should go

visit a non-offensive website.

Still here? Good!

This is part 2 of The Bible as Comedy.
If you missed part 1, click here.

Macky Rae, my youngest dog, watches a lot of TV. He enjoys science (especially PBS documentary on dogs and/or wolves), science fiction, (he is a big fan of Star Trek), "1950s Era Black and White Giant Insect Films," and (thanks to Aunt Amy) Zombie Flicks.

He also likes to channel surf, searching for the aforementioned subjects.

While channel surfing the other day, he encountered several Christian programs on a few of the hundreds of channels available on our cable package.

"Dad" he asked. "Why are there so many religious show on TV?"

"So everyone can find Jesus, I guess" I answered.

"Dogs don't need Jesus" he told me.

"Really? You don't believe in Jesus?"

"I did not say that, Dad. I said we do not "need" Jesus. Only people need Jesus. Humans disobeyed God by eating from the forbidden fruit, animals did not. That is why you need Jesus, so you can go to heaven.

"So only people need Jesus."

"And snakes."

"I see."

"And that's why a lot of animals do not like humans" he added. "We all had a very good thing going in the Garden of Eden, and then the people messed it up for the rest of us."

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam." ~George Carlin

The idea of using the Bible

as a source for comedy is not

a new one. A classic example

is Bill Cosby's Noah routine.

A while back, I did a blog called "The Bible as Comedy." In that God did not smite me down, and I did not receive any hate mail (hoping that God would smite me down), I have decided to revisit this theme with another offering of biblical humor.

Many Colleges and universities offer a variety of Bible-based courses. In additional to the religious based ones, there are also such classes as The Bible as Literature, The Bible as History, and The The Bible as Geography, The Bible as Social Science, etc. I want to teach a class called The Bible as Comedy.

The Bible as Comedy?

Verily...

Biblical scholars will tell you that there are no jokes in the Bible. But if you read between the lines (or between the verses, if you will) there are a few humorous moments to ponder. With that, I give you:

The Bible as Comedy
(Old testament - Genesis, Chapter 3)

Genesis chapter 3 tells of the "Fall of Man" (referenced above by my biblical savvy young hound). But before we begin...

Many Christians refer to God with the honorific "Father," as in "Our Father, Thou art in heaven..." But what if we took this more literal. What if we gave God the same attributes and motivation as real fathers? This would make God easier to understand. And considering that Adam and Eve were, essentially, children during the time of Eden, the relationship between them and God was no doubt quite similar to that of earthly families.

Keep that in mind when you read this.

Synopsis of Genesis chapters 1 and 2:

God made everything!

And he did it 6 days! which goes to show you what you can accomplish unencumbered by government regulations and restrictions.

Although we would like a bit more information regarding the platypus.

But there is one thing mentioned that makes me think:

[Gen 2:9] And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

[Gen 2:16] And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: [Gen 2:17] But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

In the midst of the Garden? God put the tree (pleasant to the sight) that he does NOT want them to eat from in the middle of the garden?

I think mankind got set up!

But I digress...

On to chapter three:

[3:1] Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

I dare you to eat the fruit.

[3:2] And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3:3] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

Dad said "no".

[3:4] And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: [3:5] For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

I double-dog dare you to eat it.

Temptation.

[3:6] And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

Women are always getting guys into trouble. Why do we put up with it? Oh, wait. I remember. Never mind.

[3:7] And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

Fig Leaves? What were they thinking.

And where did the sewing kit come from?

[3:8] And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

The kids hear Dad, home from work, pulling into the driveway. They hide, because they are in trouble.

[3:9] And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

Dad comes home and finds the kids missing. Usually, they run up, yelling "Dads home! Dads home!" but today the don't. He notices the broken lamp. He says "Children, where are you?"

[3:10] And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. [3:11] And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

Kids come out of hiding. Dad asks "Anyone know anything about the broken lamp?"

[3:12] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

The oldest always blames the younger kid. In this case, she was guilty, but this is not a requirement in order to pass the blame.

[3:13] And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

"The Devil made me do it."

[3:14] And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: [3:15] And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

Even today, most people do not like snakes.

[3:16] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Childbirth is going to hurt. Big-time.

[3:17] And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; [3:18] Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; [3:19] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Get a haircut, and get a real job!!

[3:20] And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.

I suppose up until this point, Adam just refered to her as "Hey, you." Up until now, a name was not really needed (after all she was the only woman around). But having aquired the knowledge of good and evil from the forbidden fruit, names were now required.

And clothes.

[3:21] Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

Leather has always been stylish. Fig leaves have not.

Or another "Dad" oriented comment: "You are not going out dressed like that!" We all heard that at least once growing up (especially if you were female), Dad making you go change before you could go out. Granted, we were not trying to go out in fig leaves...

[3:22] And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: [3:23] Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.

Get a haircut, and get a real job!!

[3:24] So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Every Father's fantasy: kicking the kids out when they turn eighteen.

And while we are on a role, Chapter 4, verse 1:

And Adam knew (made love to) Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord.