The Bible as Comedy (Part 2)

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Warning: This blog entry contains material that would be considered offensive to narrow minded Christian fanatics (NMCFs).

If you fall into this category, please do not read any further.

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In fact, maybe you should go

visit a non-offensive website.

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Still here? Good! 

This is part 2 of The Bible as Comedy.
If you missed part 1, click here.

Macky Rae, my youngest dog, watches a lot of TV. He enjoys science (especially PBS documentary on dogs and/or wolves), science fiction, (he is a big fan of Star Trek), "1950s Era Black and White Giant Insect Films," and (thanks to Aunt Amy) Zombie Flicks.

He also likes to channel surf, searching for the aforementioned subjects.

While channel surfing the other day, he encountered several Christian programs on a few of the hundreds of channels available on our cable package.

"Dad" he asked. "Why are there so many religious show on TV?"

 "So everyone can find Jesus, I guess" I answered.

"Dogs don't need Jesus" he told me.

"Really? You don't believe in Jesus?"

"I did not say that, Dad. I said we do not "need" Jesus. Only people need Jesus. Humans disobeyed God by eating from the forbidden fruit, animals did not. That is why you need Jesus, so you can go to heaven.

"So only people need Jesus."

"And snakes."

"I see."

"And that's why a lot of animals do not like humans" he added. "We all had a very good thing going in the Garden of Eden, and then the people messed it up for the rest of us."

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"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam." ~George Carlin

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The idea of using the Bible

as a source for comedy is not

a new one. A classic example

is Bill Cosby's Noah routine.

A while back, I did a blog called "The Bible as Comedy." In that God did not smite me down, and I did not receive any hate mail (hoping that God would smite me down), I have decided to revisit this theme with another offering of biblical humor.

Many Colleges and universities offer a variety of Bible-based courses. In additional to the religious based ones, there are also such classes as The Bible as Literature, The Bible as History, and The The Bible as Geography, The Bible as Social Science, etc. I want to teach a class called The Bible as Comedy.

The Bible as Comedy?

Verily...

Biblical scholars will tell you that there are no jokes in the Bible. But if you read between the lines (or between the verses, if you will) there are a few humorous moments to ponder. With that, I give you:

The Bible as Comedy
(Old testament - Genesis, Chapter 3)

Genesis chapter 3 tells of the "Fall of Man" (referenced above by my biblical savvy young hound). But before we begin...

Many Christians refer to God with the honorific "Father," as in "Our Father, Thou art in heaven..." But what if we took this more literal. What if we gave God the same attributes and motivation as real fathers? This would make God easier to understand. And considering that Adam and Eve were, essentially, children during the time of Eden, the relationship between them and God was no doubt quite similar to that of earthly families.

Keep that in mind when you read this. 

Synopsis of Genesis chapters 1 and 2:

God made everything!

 And he did it 6 days! which goes to show you what you can accomplish unencumbered by government regulations and restrictions.

 Although we would like a bit more information regarding the platypus.

But there is one thing mentioned that makes me think:

[Gen 2:9] And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

[Gen 2:16] And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: [Gen 2:17] But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

In the midst of the Garden? God put the tree (pleasant to the sight) that he does NOT want them to eat from in the middle of the garden?

I think mankind got set up!

But I digress...

On to chapter three:

[3:1] Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

I dare you to eat the fruit.

[3:2] And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden: 3:3] But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die. 

Dad said "no".

[3:4] And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: [3:5] For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

I double-dog dare you to eat it.

Temptation.

[3:6] And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

Women are always getting guys into trouble. Why do we put up with it? Oh, wait. I remember. Never mind.

[3:7] And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

Fig Leaves? What were they thinking.

And where did the sewing kit come from?

 [3:8] And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

The kids hear Dad, home from work, pulling into the driveway. They hide, because they are in trouble.

[3:9] And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

Dad comes home and finds the kids missing. Usually, they run up, yelling "Dads home! Dads home!" but today the don't. He notices the broken lamp. He says "Children, where are you?"

[3:10] And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. [3:11] And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

Kids come out of hiding. Dad asks "Anyone know anything about the broken lamp?"

[3:12] And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

The oldest always blames the younger kid. In this case, she was guilty, but this is not a requirement in order to pass the blame.

[3:13] And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

"The Devil made me do it."

[3:14] And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life: [3:15] And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

Even today, most people do not like snakes.

[3:16] Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Childbirth is going to hurt. Big-time.

[3:17] And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; [3:18] Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; [3:19] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Get a haircut, and get a real job!!

[3:20] And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.

I suppose up until this point, Adam just refered to her as "Hey, you." Up until now, a name was not really needed (after all she was the only woman around). But having aquired the knowledge of good and evil from the forbidden fruit, names were now required.

And clothes. 

[3:21] Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

Leather has always been stylish. Fig leaves have not.

Or another "Dad" oriented comment: "You are not going out dressed like that!" We all heard that at least once growing up (especially if you were female), Dad making you go change before you could go out. Granted, we were not trying to go out in fig leaves...

[3:22] And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: [3:23] Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.

Get a haircut, and get a real job!!

[3:24] So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Every Father's fantasy: kicking the kids out when they turn eighteen.

And while we are on a role, Chapter 4, verse 1:

And Adam knew (made love to) Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the Lord. 



Two comments:   From the beginning, it seems, the first thing to go through a man's mind after he moves out from his parents is sex. And despite what you may have heard, you can get pregnant the first time. It says so in the Bible. It happened on the first first time.

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"With soap, baptism is a good thing." ~Robert Ingersoll

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For those who may be interested, these are the three "Noah" routines by Bill Cosby from his 1963 album Bill Cosby Is a Very Funny Fellow...Right!

  

Some of the clip art used on this blog
entry is courtesy of Phillip Martin.



Pomeranian Home Security Systems, Inc.

24 hour service

Around 3 a.m.

MACKY: Freedom! Wake up!

FREEDOM: What for?

MACKY: I heard a noise.

FREEDOM: Go back to sleep.

MACKY: It might be a burglars.

Sarah wakes up.

SARAH: Why are you two awake

FREEDOM: Macky thinks he heard a noise.

MACKY: I did!

SARAH: Go back to sleep.

MACKY It might be a burglar. I should hide my toys.

SARAH: You are a doof! Burglars are not going to break in just to steal your toys.

MACKY: They might.

FREEDOM: Go back to sleep. There is no burglars.

SARAH: Wait a minute. I just heard it too.

MACKY: I told you!

SARAH: It's coming from the bathroom.

FREEDOM: It probably just Dad.

SARAH: No, I hear Dad snoring in the bedroom.

FREEDOM: Maybe it is burglars.

MACKY: I told you!

FREEDOM: Why would burglars be in the bathroom?

MACKY: They are stealing my rubber duck!

SARAH: Burglars are not stealing your toys!

MACKY: They might be.

FREEDOM: I bet they're junkies trying to steal drugs.

MACKY: What should we do?

SARAH: We need to scare them off.

FREEDOM: I got an idea. Everyone follow me.

SARAH: What are we going to do?

FREEDOM: We'll sneak up on them, then bark really loud.

MACKY: Yeah!

The dogs head down the hall towards the bathroom, and stop outside the door.

FREEDOM: Everyone ready?

MACKY: Yeah.

FREEDOM: On three. One... Two... Three!!!

ALL THREE DOGS: Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark!  Bark! Bark!  Bark!  Bark!

At this point, the barking, followed by a woman screaming, wakes me up. I get up quickly and head towards the commotion.

ME: What's going on?

SARAH: It's their fault.

FREEDOM: Sorry, Dad.

MACKY: We thought she was a burglar.

GIRLFRIEND: This is why I don't spend the night very often.

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Around 3:10 a.m.

MACKY: Dad was not happy with us.

SARAH: Neither was his girlfriend.

FREEDOM: Did you see the look on her face?

MACKY: Yeah! We scared the pee out of her!

SARAH: Literally!

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Around 4 a.m.

MACKY: Freedom! Wake up!

FREEDOM: What for?

MACKY: I heard a noise . . .

Latine Canini (Latin for Dogs)

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latrare, ergo sum
(I bark, therefor I am)

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Tota Graeca mihi.
It all Greek to me.

Latin is an ancient Italic language originally spoken in Ancient Rome. Although it is considered a dead language, many modern languages are in fact living continuations of this language, and Latin is still used in the creation of new words in modern languages of many different families, including English, and in biological taxonomy. 

Latin has been considered a language spoken by scholarly people. Ironically, during the Roman Empire (when Latin was spoken as a living language), Greek was the language of the educated.

For the longest time, Latin was required as part of a schools curriculum, even as early as grammar school. This practice continued into the 20th century, until someone asked "Why do we need to learn Latin? When will we ever encounter an ancient Roman?"

Academia held firm, primarily for the reason of quod semper fuit sic (it has always been thus), but eventually, they conceded that education would be better served by learning a more practical, living language. Like Spanish.

Latin is not entirely a dead language. It is still taught in some primary, secondary and post-secondary educational institutions around the world, and many students, scholars, and members of the Roman Catholic clergy speak it fluently.

It is interesting that the "official" language of the church is Latin, considering its founder was a the son of a Jewish carpenter who spoke Hebrew.

Ars Gratia Artis
Art for art's sake

FYI: I discovered there is a "Dog Latin." Also known as mock Latin, Canis Latinicus, and other names, it refers to the creation of a phrase or jargon in imitation of Latin, often by "translating" English words (or those of other languages) into Latin by conjugating or declining them as if they were Latin words. Sometimes "Dog Latin" can mean a poor-quality genuine attempt at writing in Latin. Dog Latin is used, inter alia, by art directors, advertising agencies, publishers, etc. to present advertisement and page layouts for appearance and balance, and not meant to be read.

This blog entry is Dog Latin

Henry N. Beard (an American humorist and one of the founders of the magazine National Lampoon) is the author of several best-selling humor books, which include French for Cats and Latin for All Occasions. Stealing borrowing an idea from Henry, me and my dogs wish to present:

Latine Canini (Latin for Dogs)

Latina verba et locutii pro vestri canis

Latin words and phrases for your dog


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Verborum Sententiarumque

(Words and Phrases)

Sedere! Veni! Mane! Manibus excutiam! Voluto! Ludere mortuis! bono cane malum cani non crustulum

Sit! Come! Stay! Shake hands! Roll over! Play dead! good dog bad dog no biscuit

ego odi feles feles stolidis canes regula! numerus unum numerus duo canis cibum aquatio

I hate cats Cats are stupid Dogs rule! number one number two dog food fresh water

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 Proverbium
(Proverbs)

Hominis est amicus canem.

A man's best friend is his dog.

Canis manducare canis.
Dog eat dog.

Ratem morsu deterior.

His bark is worse than his bite.

Sit canes dormientes mendacium.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

Omnis canis est dies ejus.

Every dog has his day.

Da canis os.
Give the dog a bone.

Qui dormierit cum canum resurrecturum pulices.

Those who sleep with dogs will rise with fleas.

Rabidarum canum solum Angli et egredieris in meridie sol.

Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun.

Clamate stragemque! et dimit canibus qyutit.
Cry havoc! and let loose the dogs of war.

Non cani, quanta est in pugna belli molem in canis est.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

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Canis suus vita

Ecce Canis
Behold the dog

(It's a dog's life)

Volo ire extra.

I want to go outside.

 

Ego postulo... ad mio /assidere.

I need to...  urinate /defecate.

 

Antonius! Non bibere de latrinum! Quod crassum est!

Tony! Don't drink out of the toilet! That's gross!

Tibus tibi tollere grabatum a magistro domum mox erit.

Get your butt off the couch, the master will be home soon.

Non licet in dolor.
You are not allowed on the furniture.
Si te nulla rapit, vos mos adepto flagellari.

If he catches you up there, you will get whipped.

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Cave Canem
Beware of the dog

Subitis

(Emergency)


Omnis absconde! Auceps canis est adventum!

Everyone hide! The dog catcher is coming!

Flavii transitu curru percussus platea.

Flavius was hit by a chariot while crossing the street.

Novem Unum unum appellamus!

Call nine one one!

Ego vix mephtis. Balineum opus est.

I scared a skunk. I need a bath.

Currere! Demens canis!

Run! Mad dog!
 

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Victus

(Food)

Ego similis suilla /pullum /bubulae.

I like pork /chicken /beef.

Ego diligentes callum!

I love bacon!

Crustulum!

Cookies!

Esurio. Prandium est cum tempore?

I'm hungry. When is lunch time?

Prandium est delectamentum. Cum suus prandium tempus?

Lunch was delicious. When's dinner time?

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Veni, Vidi, Latravi
(I came, I saw, I barked)

Veterinarius

(Veterinary & Medical)


No! No! Veterinarius ire nolo!

No! No! I don't want to go to the veterinarian!

Tu exaudies de Iulius? Testiculorum eius perierit!

Have you hear about Julius? He got neutered!

Diligenter circa Maximus.

Be careful around Max.

Habet (pulices /pediculus /scabies /inritatio /hydrophobia).

He has (fleas /lice /mange /distemper /rabies).

Quod est canis anorexic? Non est leporarius.

Is that dog anorexic? No she is a greyhound.

Demetrius ​​habuerunt ponere dormire.

They had to put Demetrius to sleep.
Erat senex valde. Humanum factu fuit.
He was very old. It was the humane thing to do.

Paenitet testes tuos, Iulius.

Sorry about your testicles, Julius.

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Hospitii et Recreatio

(Entertainment and Recreation)



Nobilis Canes
Noble Hounds

Habuimus tempus ad coliseum hodie.
We had  good time at the coliseum today.

Observabant leonum devorabit nos Christianos.
We watched lions devour Christians.

Heri deambulabat in pomerio.

Yesterday we went for a walk in the park.

Crastino nos...
... venabuntur.
... persequatur feles.
... corticibus in tabellarius. 
... servi mordebit.

Tomorrow we will...

... go hunting.

... chase cats.
... bark at the mailman.
... we will bite a slave.

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Qui Flatus? 

Culpam in Cane
Blame the Dog

(Who Farted?)

 

Per Deos! Quid est quod odoratus?

By the Gods! What is that smell?

Antonius! Ut noxium fuit!

Quod dominus pascentium vobis?

Tony! That was gross!

What is the master feeding you?

Non erat mecum. Erat canis.

It wasn't me. It was the dog.

Tu canis!

You are the dog!

Quis aperire fenestram.

Someone open a window.

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Artis
(The Arts)

Estis in tribulation!

You are in trouble!

Fregisti armis!

You broke the arms off!

Vestibulum domini erat simulacrum.

That was the master's favorite statue.

Sicut servus autem cædam vos.

He will beat you like a slave.

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Erimus remit cum in Pompeianum

nostrum dominae.

We will be relaxing in Pompeii

with our mistress.

Suus a bellus locum ad visendum,

nolim tamen illic uiuere

It's a nice place to visit,

but I would not want to live there.

Peregrinari

(Travel)

Familia Flavio Ceperuntque canes ad Hispanias.

The Flavius family took there dogs to Spain.

Audio suus pulchellus, sed numquam fui ibi.

I hear it's pretty, but I've never been.

Transivimus per mare.
We travelled by sea.
Sicut canis ego quasi male.
I was as sick as a dog.
Ego emicantem in triremem ancilla.

I vomited on a galley slave.

Nolite intrare Aegyptum. Ibi colunt feles!

Don't go to Egypt. They worship cats there!

Athenis, canis homini optimus amicus est.

A dog is not a man's best friend in Athens.

Antonius minxit Acropolis. Numquam ita oneris vita.

Tony urinated on the Acropolis. I was never so embarrassed in whole life.

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Miscellaneous

(Miscellaneous)

Ave, Dominus. Trahere pede!

Hey, Master. Pull my paw!

Throughout history, languages have come and gone, and it is probable that English, too, will go the way of Latin and Greek. In the year 3000AD, someone will ask "Why do we need to learn English? When will we ever encounter a Ancient American?"

Academia will hold firm, primarily for the reason of quod semper fuit sic (it has always been thus), but eventually, they will concede that education will be better served by learning a more practical, living language. Like Tralfamadorean.





Antonius, portet te mio super omnia Romam?

Tony, must you pee on everything in Rome?



Much of the clipart used on this blog entry is courtesy of Phillip Martin.



Delicatus Asinum!

Nice Ass!

Dogs Say the Darnedest Things (Part 2)

More conversations with my dogs:

MACKY: Hey, Sarah. Pull my paw.

SARAH: What for?

MACKY: Just do it.

SARAH: No.

MACKY: Come on. It will be funny.

SARAH: Pull your own paw.

MACKY: Hey, Freedom. Pull my paw.

SARAH: Don't do it.

Freedom pulls Macky's paw, and the "traditional" effect results.

FREEDOM: Ewww!

SARAH: That is so gross.

FREEDOM: What has Dad been feeding you???

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Gang Sign?

I asked my boys why they felt the need to pee on every corner in town. 

MACKY: It is because we do not have thumbs, so we can not use spray paint.

FREEDOM: Even if we did, they would not let us into the store to buy paint.

SARAH: That is so gross.

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from the Family Album:

	Tell me you are not going out dressed like that? OMG! Seriously, Dad. Who taught you to dress? I have seen better coordinated outfits on golfers!

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Wild Kingdom

Sarah enters the living room and sees the boys watching television.

SARAH: What are you watching?

MAY: Television

 SARAH: I knew that.

MACKY: Then why did you ask?

FREEDOM: It's a documentary on Wolves

MACKY: Yeah, we are learning about our roots.

SARAH: We're Pomeranians, we come from Europe.

FREEDOM: Before that we were Wolves.

Sarah sits down and watches

SARAH: What are they doing?

FREEDOM: They just killed a deer...

MACKY: ...And now they are going to eat it!

They continue watching. 

SARAH: OMG!  They're eating it raw???

MACKY: Yeah! That is so cool.

SARAH: No it's not, it's gross! Why don't they at least cook it first?

FREEDOM: Why don't have ovens in the wild.

SARAH: Well, they should. No wonder we became dogs.

MACKY: No wonder they call us animals.

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A common comment, usually when the food is almost in my mouth:

ANY OF THE THREE: Hey, Dad. are you going to eat that?

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And the ever popular:

MACKY: Hey, Dad! Pull my paw.

Marines: The Few, the Proud, the Clowns?

Today's blog entry is on Jarheads.

Macky Rae, my youngest dog, has become an admirer of the Marines after he found out they are sometimes called "Devil Dogs." 


The Marine Corp was also originally

organized in a tavern, which explains

a lot about them.

According to Macky (who looked it up online) The United States Marine Corps is currently the largest marine force in the world, responsible for much of the United States of America's expeditionary operations. Created in 1775, they were originally intended only to guard naval vessels during the American Revolutionary War.

While the USMC is a component part of the Department of the Navy in the military command structure, it is a military branch separate from the Navy. The USMC also provides marines as security guards at U.S. diplomatic posts throughout the world. They also provide helicopter transportation for the President of the United States aboard Marine One.

The Marine Corp motto is Semper Fidelis, which means "always faithful" in Latin, but most Marines just say "Semper Fi," the reason (I believe ) is that it is easier for a Marine to remember three syllable as opposed to five.

Keep it simple, trooper.

Many former Marines have gone on to successful and honorable career, such as businessmen, sports figures, mall cops, writers and journalists, some even elected to congress (as to whether this is successful and/or honorable is subject to debate).

Others, however...


Send in the Clowns

Mr Moose was not a Marine (although

from his looks, it is easy to believe that

he was.)

Robert James "Bob" Keeshan was an American television producer and actor. He is most notable as the title character of the children's television program Captain Kangaroo, which became an icon for millions of people during its 30-year run from 1955 to 1984.

He was also the original "Clarabelle the Clown" on the Howdy Doody Show.

Bob's co-star on the show Hugh Brannum, better known  as "Mr. Green Jeans," was also a jarhead. 

Robert Lewis (Bob) Bell was famous for his alter-ego, Bozo the Clown. He was the original portrayer of the character for Chicago superstation WGN-TV

FYI: One of the top ten fears is coulrophobia, the fear of clowns. Gyreneophobia is the fear that the U.S.Marine Corp is going to invade your country, a fear suffered by many third world dictators.  

Clinton is currently applying to the

Government to start a Clown

College for veterans. 

And speaking of clowns: Clinton Crowder.

Although neither a celebrity or famous, Clinton was a former Marine. I've know him for decades, since Junior High School. Unlike the other clowns (above), Clint started out as a clown, and later became a Marine.

 The few, the proud, the brave...  

...ask him about the hour he spent trapped in the wood shop class sawdust bin.

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Semper Fi, Mofos!

(Former Marines turned Rappers)

Nathaniel Dwayne Hale, better known by his stage name Nate Dogg, was an American rapper, singer and actor. He was noted for his membership in rap trio 213 and his solo career in which he collaborated with other rap artists.

Orville Richard Burrell, better known by his stage name Shaggy, is a Jamaican-American pop singer and rapper. He is known for his hit singles "Boombastic", "It Wasn't Me" and "Angel". He is said to have taken his stage name from his shaggy hair.


Some years ago, I worked in a fast food restaurant with a young man by the name of Ernie, who was enrolled in the Junior ROTC program at his High School. Ernie wanted to be a Marine Admirable, except Ernie stood 5'2" and maybe 115 pounds (soaking wet). Also working there was Dewayne "Red" Wilson, who was a former Marine. Red, like myself, was one of the shift supervisors. And like myself, Red thought Ernie had two chances of making it the Marine Corp: Slim and None. One evening, Red and I (and Ernie) were working the same shift. The other High Schoolers decided to have a bit of fun at Ernie's expense, and when Ernie went into the walk-in refrigerator, they barricaded the door and turned of the light. Ernie could only get the door opened about two inches, not enough to escape. He was pleading, tearfully, for the others to let him out. Red and I came out of the office to investigate, only to find Ernie's face sticking out of the door, still pleading for them to release him. Red just shook his head in disbelief. "Ernie!" Wilson yelled. "Marines don't cry!"  I couldn't stop laughing for an hour.

Get Smart

Who is that man talking on his shoe?

"You missed it by that much,

jarhead! Drop and give me 99!

Don Adams was an American actor, comedian and director. In his five decades on television, he was best known as Maxwell Smart (Agent 86) in the television situation comedy Get Smart (1965–1970), which he also sometimes directed and wrote. Adams won three consecutive Emmy Awards for his portrayal of Smart (1967–1969). He provided the voices for the animated series Tennessee Tuxedo and His Tales (1963–1966) and Inspector Gadget (1983–1986) as their title characters,  as well as others.

He, too, was a Marine.

During World War II, he joined United States Marine Corps at 16 by lying about his age. Adams participated in the Battle of Guadalcanal in the Pacific Theater of Operations. His combat service was short-lived; he was shot and contracted blackwater fever, a serious complication of malaria, known for a 90% rate of fatality. He was evacuated and then hospitalized for more than a year at a Navy hospital in Wellington, New Zealand. After his recovery, he served as a Marine drill instructor in the United States.

Macky Rae likes Get Smart, which he watches it on TVLand. He tells me it is like James Bond, except stupid. He also thinks TVLand is a real place. He wants to "visit" some of his favorite show, but so far has been unable to find where TVLand is on GoogleMaps.

 

Yo, Jarhead. Come on down!

Drew Allison Carey - After serving in the U.S. Marine Corps and making a name for himself in stand-up comedy, Carey eventually gained popularity starring on his own sitcom, The Drew Carey Show, and serving as host of the U.S. version of the improv comedy show Whose Line Is It Anyway?. He replaced Bob Barker (Navy fighter pilot, WW2) as the host of  The Price Is Right in 2007.

All three of my dogs enjoy The Price is Right.



The Golden Marine?
Although she denied being a Marine,

official records confirm her military
service. The photo on the left is her
military ID photo.

Another famous entertainer (and former Marine) was Bea Arthur. An American actress, comedienne, and singer whose career spanned seven decades. Arthur achieved fame as the character Maude Findlay on the 1970s sitcoms All in the Family and Maude, and as Dorothy Zbornak on the 1980s sitcom The Golden Girls, winning Emmy Awards for both roles. A stage actress both before and after her television success, she won the Tony Award for Best Featured Actress in a Musical for her performance as Vera Charles in the original cast of Mame (1966).Bea Arthur (Bernice Frankel), who served during WW2, later denied being in the Corp (for reasons unknown). Her Marine Corps records, however, are available for perusal at the  National Archives and Records Administration.

 Sadly, real female Marines personnel do not look this good. FYI, a female Marine is called a B.A.M. - Broad Ass Marine. Commonly used by the Marines themselves, the term is "unofficial." Bea Arthur was, therefore, a B.A.M. True story: Marine MPs are trained on Lackland Air Force Base, the school being located near the squadron were I did basic training. During our second week of training, we were give partial liberty (mainly the exchange and the student recreational facility). Before we went, our Sergeant gave us the following warnings: Alcohol is available at the rec center. Do not drink! Don't even think about it. (We were not permitted alcohol until after basic training. You may encounter female Marine personnel. Do not f--- with them! Female Marines has the same genitalia as you do. (I cleaned this up a bit).

 

Mail Call!

And perhaps the most famous Jarhead turned entertainer is R. Lee Ermey, and for me to exclude him would be unforgivable.

Best known for his role as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in Full Metal Jacket, which earned him a Golden Globe Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor. He is a retired U.S. Marine and an honorary Gunnery Sergeant; during his tenure in the U.S. Marine Corps, he served as a drill instructor.

Cast as tough drill instructor Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket, he was initially intended to be only the technical advisor. Director Stanley Kubrick changed his mind after Ermey put together an instructional tape, in which Ermey went on an extended hair-raising drill instructor tirade towards several extras, convincing Kubrick he was the right person for the role.

FYI: What does Taco Bell, Little Caesars, and Domino's have in common? All three were founded by former U.S. Marines. (Glenn Bell, Mike Ilitch, and Tom Monaghan)

Onward Christian Soldiers



Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson  an American media mogul  and a former Southern Baptist minister. Robertson has a distinguished career as the founder of several major organizations, such as The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) and the International Family Entertainment Inc. (ABC Family Channel). He is the host of The 700 Club. He also ran (unsuccessfully) for the office of the President of the United States.

He is also a former Marine.

I had a friend in college who's brother, a Marine reservist, was engaged to a devout Mormon. While having lunch at the Student Union, I jokingly asked "What do you get when you cross a Mormon with a Marine?" Although the question was rhetorical, our devious minds clicked on, He, I, and several others came up with a list of about two dozen answers, such as: There were others, but after all these years time has partially erased our memories, and neither myself (or the others I am still in contact with) could remember them all. Children born in squads Amphibious landing craft full of bicycles. One year supply of C-rations in the basement (today it would be MREs). Semper fidelis (ad Dominum) - Always faithful (to the Lord) Q: Have you found Jesus? A: Sir! Yes, sir! Missionaries in Camo Mission/Recon teams of two. LDS-ROTC Improvise, Adapt, Baptize. and the obvious one: "Onward Christian Soldiers"

 

Although none have been

President, one former Marine

did assassinate a President.

 Presidential Marines.

In the history of the United States 31 Presidents served in the military: Mostly in the Army (or the Militia), six Navy (or Reserves), and one Air Force (Actually, it was the Texas Air National Guard. It was George, Jr.).

There has never been a Marine to go on to become Commander-in-Chief.

One former Marine went on to become president of another country.



The former Corporal Aidid

Hussein Mohamed Farrah Aidid emigrated to the United States when he was 17 years old. In April 1987, Farrah enlisted in the United States Marine Corps. Following his training, he was stationed at the Marine Corps reserve base in Pico Rivera, California as a gunner in Battery B of the 14th Marine Regiment. He served in Somalia as a translator during Operation Restore Hope, having been chosen because he was the only United States Marine who spoke Somali. Following his discharge, he remained in the United States and became a naturalized citizen.

In 192 Farrah was selected by the Habar Gidir clan as successor to his father and returned to Somalia. Upon his father's death on August 1, 1996, Hussein was sworn in as President, serving from August 2, 1996 to December 22, 1997.

Has our government considered this as an alternative to full-force invasions?

---

Private James Buchanan,
United States Army

James Buchanan, our 15th President of the United States (1857–1861), held the rank of private in the Army during the War of 1812. When the British invaded neighboring Maryland, he joined a volunteer light dragoon unit and served in the defense of Baltimore. He is the only future President who enlisted without going on to become an officer.

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Famous non-Marines

Actor/singer Jim Nabors played Gomer Pyle on The Andy Griffith Show who became so popular that he was made a regular on the show and was later given his own show, the spin-off Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., in which his character joined the United States Marine Corps.

Shazam! Jim was never a real Marine (surprise! surprise! surprise!).

Frank Sutton, who played Sgt Carter, served in the Army during the World War 2.

Can you say Semper Fi? I knew you could.



I love the smell of Napalm

in the neighborhood.

Fred "Mister"Rogers, famous for creating and hosting Mister Rogers' Neighborhood (1968–2001), which featured his gentle, soft-spoken personality and directness to his audiences. In spite of rumors, he was not a Marine Corp sniper, nor did he serve in any branch of the service.

He was an ordained minister. For all you veterans can you imagine Fred as your chaplain?

Macky Rae likes Mister Rogers. But he's only 3 years old, so that is understandable. He often often tells me he is going to "the land of make believe." 

He also like Sesame Street, except he does not like Elmo (but who does?) and he suspect Bet and Ernie are gay.

He once came up to me and proudly announced that he could count to ten.

"Want to hear me do it?" he asked.

"Sure" I answered.

"One! Ah-ah-ah. Two! Ah-ah-ah. Three..."

But I digress...



Count von Count was also not a Marine

 My cousin Herb's son, Alfred, is currently on his second term as a Marine and just made Corporal (E-4). After misspelling his name on the ASVAB, joining the Corp was his only option.

Cousin Herb sent me an e-mail recently, relating the following story:

Alfred was placed in charge of a work detail to square up the headquarters area for a pending visit by a high ranking General from Washington, D.C.  Square up, as in mowing, raking, painting, etc. "Yard work." Around eleven-hundred hours, Alfred dismissed his work detail in order to get chow. Shortly after they left, the female Lieutenant in charge of "squaring up" came out, looked around. Noticing that nobody was working, she went up to Alfred and asked "Corporal! Where are your privates?"